Help with Family Drama

Having a rough time deciding if I should go to a family cookout at my sister's house that starts in a couple hours. Here is the background as to why:

- This particular sister and I, I will call her sister B, used to be extremely close. When I was having trouble with my ex the bigamist between 2010-2011 and thinking of leaving her, sister B and her BF who she lives with always said "Whatever happens, we are family and will always have your back"

- In 2012 when the sh!t hit the fan with the ex, she got an OP on me and I was literally homeless. Not allowed to go back to my own home for 3 weeks

- Sister B and ber BF let me stay with them for a couple weeks

- Finally one day out of the blue, I return to her house to have all of my stuff packed and sister B say "you have to leave, and you have to leave now"

- When I asked why, she said "we are tired of seeing you so depressed". Again, this was in 2012 when my life hit rock bottom.

- So I left and had to drive 2 hours to my other sister's house, but I really felt betrayed. Yeah I could have stayed with friends closer by but I didn't want to burden them and their families. Many offered.

Its been over 2 years an I am still not over what my sister did to me. She kicked me to the curb on literally the lowest night/point in my life.

Should I suck it up and go to her cookout, or do I have a right to still not be over this?

Personally, I would not go until my sister apologizes. You should have more respect for yourself and politely decline the invite. By showing up, you are announcing that you forgive her for throwing you out into the streets.

Thank you for the replies fellas. Midnight, you are exactly right. There was a point in my life where I trusted this sister more than anyone else, including my mother who was the close second. Families are no different than anyone else; all talk until the sh!t hits the fan, then they back peddle like ducks in a gator's mouth.

I decided NOT to go to this thing. My mom called me a little bit ago kind of upset. I asked her "What specifically have you said to Sister B about how you feel about what she did to me? Do you think it was right?". Mom paused and said "welll, no, I don't, and I can't blame you for being mad over it".

I am still interested in keeping this conversation going if anyone else has input. I have a feeling this will come up again. But I feel I made the right decision today.

If you weren't over it, then it would have been pointless for you to go.

Not just for you, but for them as well because I'm sure the topic would have surfaced at some point. We are to believe that because family is family, that we should just gloss over how we feel or how we were betrayed without taking into consideration that family is the one thing you are supposed to depend on.

If you can't feel like someone has your back as much as you have theirs, then you have a right to feel upset. It doesn't matter whether you are right or wrong... in some cases, it's not even about that.

If you didn't feel comfortable at all with showing up, then you pretty much did everyone a favor by not showing up at all.

Dear Lefty,
Blood is thicker than water...I am sure she acted under duress from her Boyfriend and feels bad about it...Go to the Cook-out and tell her you forgive her...the best way in the long term Promise!

You only get one set of family. All of them are going to disappoint you at some point in your life, but they are still your family.

It's very hard to keep houseguests, I know it is for me.
She let you stay at her house for two weeks, I would be grateful for that instead of being p!ssed about how it ended. She was under no obligation to take you in.

Your presence was probably stressing her and her boyfriend out, more than you realize. It wasn't an ideal situation for either of you. Like Bible Belt says, you only have one family. I don't think she meant to hurt you, she tried to help you out, but just wasn't quite up to it.

logicallefty said:

Should I suck it up and go to her cookout, or do I have a right to still not be over this?

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We can't tell you that. Only you can decide if you are over it or not. Don't listen to anyone who would tell you to forgive her and don't listen to anyone would tell you to NEVER forgive her. Only you know what is in your heart.

For me comfort and time changes things. I get over things with enough time and success in my own life. Family has done me wrong like this but I've forgiven them. Never forgotten though!

zekko said:

It's very hard to keep houseguests, I know it is for me.
She let you stay at her house for two weeks, I would be grateful for that instead of being p!ssed about how it ended. She was under no obligation to take you in.

Your presence was probably stressing her and her boyfriend out, more than you realize. It wasn't an ideal situation for either of you. Like Bible Belt says, you only have one family. I don't think she meant to hurt you, she tried to help you out, but just wasn't quite up to it.

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I find these two paragraphs somewhat contradictory. The fact that you have only ONE family is all the more reason to take him in for as long as he needs, and yes this is an obligation...and it doesn't matter if they lived in a studio apartment either.

I also wouldn't have gone with such strong feelings still present. You can move pass this, but "never" forget it.

I try not to hold grudges, but I remember the sh-t people have done to me and once you've betrayed my trust and confidence things will never be the same, especially if the incident was never made right with an acknowledgement/apology.

You were in a bad place and instead of having a heart-to-heart about it, possibly saying "Hey, Logicallefty, you really need to get your head straight because it's starting to have an effect on us." She chose to simply kick you out without any explanation. Given you were "blood" you were owed at least that much. It's not like you were trashing their house in a drunken rage.

yyc12 said:

I find these two paragraphs somewhat contradictory. The fact that you have only ONE family is all the more reason to take him in for as long as he needs, and yes this is an obligation...and it doesn't matter if they lived in a studio apartment either.

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Yeah.

Your "blood" can screw you over more than perfect strangers. Some actually exploit the whole "blood is thicker..." to take advantage of you. There are people I'm related to that I don't talk to for good reason. I'm not losing any sleep over it, believe me.

Thank you for all of the feedback, everyone.

@zekko I agree that it's tough to keep houseguests. In my sister's case though she and her BF live alone in a 3000 square foot 5 bedroom house, with a basement that's 100% finished including it's own kitchen, and that's where I stayed. Plus I was feeding her money all the time for food that I wasn't even eating. I have trouble buying that I was in their way because I was on a different floor of the house.

I am one who is bad at holding grudges. I give people my entire trust with everything I have. Then when they betray me, I never forgive or forget. It's something I need to continue to work on, not giving them so much so thus they can't take so much.

Shoot with this sister, I actually had $5000.00 cash in an envelope in her BF's gun safe that I was keeping out of the banks for a rainy day. That's how much trust I had for her, and for him too. She has been with him 22 years but they aren't married. As soon as this all went down I asked her for my cash, and she gave it to me immediately. I think she knew at that point, though, that things were not the same anymore between her and I.

Thank you again all.

logicallefty said:

@zekko I agree that it's tough to keep houseguests. In my sister's case though she and her BF live alone in a 3000 square foot 5 bedroom house, with a basement that's 100% finished including it's own kitchen, and that's where I stayed. Plus I was feeding her money all the time for food that I wasn't even eating. I have trouble buying that I was in their way because I was on a different floor of the house.

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That's a lot of space, all right.

Although I still think they were under no obligation to take you in, family or not. The boyfriend wasn't related to you, whose house was it? I do agree the way they threw you out was crap. They probably wanted to do it quick like ripping off a bandaid.

Bible_Belt said:

You only get one set of family. All of them are going to disappoint you at some point in your life, but they are still your family.

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Bad people are bad people. I actually expect MORE from my family. And they have WORSE consequences when they f*ck me over.

No way would I go to this cookout assuming the OP is being truthful. Who knows what went on while he was living there, he may have been a sh*t head and mooched. But assuming he did not, she kicked him out and if they haven't spoken and she didn't invite you, NO WAY I go to a party on HER territory. She'll just make you look stupid. Have more respect for yourself.

In 2 years, have you talked to your sister? Did she invite you to the cookout?