A Beneficial Marriage

I rarely ask advice here but I'm very curious about you guys's opinion on my situation. I've been in an LTR with my girl for a little over a year. She has made it clear that she wants to marry me. Naturally given the fact that I'm young and this is my first real relationship I'm completely against the idea. However, when I think about it I'm finding that there are more positives than negatives. She has been the model GF so far; no red flags, not a bombshell but still attractive, comes from a good home, does whatever I want in bed, etc.

If I'm honest with myself I've been slacking a bit since I graduated high school. I have an associates degree but its pretty much useless unless I get a bachelors in my field. I'm still living with my parents and I work a part time job which leaves me with barely any money. My GF has a job opportunity where she'll have to move but she'll be making significantly more money than me. She knows that if she marries me she'll be the sole breadwinner of the household and she's ok with that.

Now the question that I'm struggling with is why shouldn't I take up this offer? Her basically playing sugar momma while I focus on getting myself established seems like a win win situation. I get to finally get out of my parents house, create a life with a woman who I believe will make a fine wife, and not have to worry about any financial issues while I focus on starting a career. I avoid any risk of getting screwed over because I have nothing financially to offer. The risks of marriage are only valid to the one making the most money. In the event that things don't work out we can end the marriage and I'll start back at square one unscathed. This all sounds great but in spite of all this I'm still apprehensive about marriage. If anyone can point out any flaws in my logic I'd greatly appreciate it. Why shouldn't I take up an offer that has minimal risks and big rewards..

I'm with u when it comes to not getting married but if ever there was a female that could even make me consider considering it I would give her the test

If you're not sure, then therein lies your answer.
It's also only been a year, and you should give things more time (another year or two?) and it sounds like you're young (under 30) - so there's no real urgency is there Ie: "her hitting the wall, and wanting/ needing babies" before her "times up"

I'd just take a chill mate...
Plus - you've not even lived together yet? You should suggest that as an idea first - to see how living together will work out before you get married...

I don't really see a flaw in your logic. The real risk in marriage, besides the woman becoming a complete, fat b!tch is losing assets in a divorce. That doesn't seem to be a risk here. There's the child custody thing which is the real risk, but that's a risk whether you're married or not.

I know many people here say getting married is all downsides and no upsides, but I don't believe that is always the case. There's downsides and upsides to both paths.

I'm not saying to jump into it, but give it some time and consideration, and make her convince you.

I've seen some of the advice you have given on here OP and you sound like a smart kid. I was not at your level @ 22.

You've already answered your own question here:
Naturally given the fact that I'm young and this is my first real relationship I'm completely against the idea.

Don't marry her for the wrong reasons, it will come back and haunt you.

Is this a religious deal where you have to marry her to live her? I'm with Betterz on this one, you've only dated for a little over a year? Try living with her for a year or more and then maybe consider marriage. The faster things progress the faster then tend to fall apart.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't believe you should ever go into a marriage with divorce as a viable option. That mentality will prove extremely detrimental to any marriage.

Being young and in your first relationship are not good reasons to dismiss the idea of marriage right now. If you've managed to find a great girl first up, then that's not a problem. There are people out there who married their first love and have been together since (my parents are one, they've been together for over 40 years now).

Don't worry about the money thing either. I have friends who were in exactly the same situation and after the guy got established, they were well and truly the breadwinners of the family.

The only reasons I can see right now that you'd want to be cautious is, as Betterz says, you've only been together for a year and haven't lived together yet. This is a real eye opener. I'd suggest you do that for at least a couple of years. If you still have the same opinion of her as a great girl and want to get married, then go for it.

I lived with my girl for three years before getting married. Life isn't always perfect, but I knew what I was getting.

Good luck.

If you're not sure, then therein lies your answer.
It's also only been a year, and you should give things more time (another year or two?) and it sounds like you're young (under 30) - so there's no real urgency is there Ie: "her hitting the wall, and wanting/ needing babies" before her "times up"

I'd just take a chill mate...
Plus - you've not even lived together yet? You should suggest that as an idea first - to see how living together will work out before you get married...

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Well she'll probably be moving for her new job sometime next year so there is a bit of urgency. As far as living together first we both come from conservative families. I'd rather not deal with the drama that living together would create.

I know many people here say getting married is all downsides and no upsides, but I don't believe that is always the case. There's downsides and upsides to both paths.

I'm not saying to jump into it, but give it some time and consideration, and make her convince you.

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Yes I don't plan on making a decision right away but like I said earlier there is a bit of urgency.

Being young and in your first relationship are not good reasons to dismiss the idea of marriage right now. If you've managed to find a great girl first up, then that's not a problem. There are people out there who married their first love and have been together since (my parents are one, they've been together for over 40 years now).

Don't worry about the money thing either. I have friends who were in exactly the same situation and after the guy got established, they were well and truly the breadwinners of the family.

The only reasons I can see right now that you'd want to be cautious is, as Betterz says, you've only been together for a year and haven't lived together yet. This is a real eye opener. I'd suggest you do that for at least a couple of years. If you still have the same opinion of her as a great girl and want to get married, then go for it.

I lived with my girl for three years before getting married. Life isn't always perfect, but I knew what I was getting.

Good luck.

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I've never understood the whole "sow your wild oats before you settle down" mantra. If you've found a gem in a sea of trash why waste time trying to look for more gems. We have had vacations where we've spent a week or so "living" together but I know that's not really a good indication of how she'll be in day to day life. I might not have responded directly to everyone but I appreciate the advice. I was expecting to get flamed lol

your to young, its only been a year. don't do it. maybe eventually if you really want to. your 22 man, its going to be a mistake to do it after only one year.

I'd give it another year or two, how do you know the infatuation has worn off, what troubling things have you guys been through ? Is there any good reason to move out now and get married ? You'll be uprooting your entire life and moving to a new city, moving and getting settled in there is going to take time and it will be difficult. What if it doesn't work out, how much time will you have wasted ?

Married at 22... I plan on "trying" for marriage at like 33. You're not that older than me so that idea just seems crazy. Plus its your first LTR.

Try this, find a way to live with her for at least a year. If you can tolerate her for more than that, then maybe consider marriage.

People change behind closed doors.

Frayzer said:

Married at 22... I plan on "trying" for marriage at like 33. You're not that older than me so that idea just seems crazy. Plus its your first LTR.

Try this, find a way to live with her for at least a year. If you can live with her for more than that, then maybe consider marriage.

People change behind closed doors.

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Do not move in with her, or have her move in with you.:trouble:

noobolgy said:

your to young, its only been a year. don't do it. maybe eventually if you really want to. your 22 man, its going to be a mistake to do it after only one year.

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There is no eventually though, its pretty much now or never. Once she leaves it'll have to be a long distance relationship and that's simply not gonna work. I still can't see how it could possibly turn out to be a mistake. The worse case scenario I can think of is us finding out that we aren't compatible, separating, and me going back to square one having lost nothing. As fvcked up as this sounds I'm seeing this marriage more like a good business decision than a lifelong commitment.

GetFit66 said:

I'd give it another year or two, how do you know the infatuation has worn off, what troubling things have you guys been through ? Is there any good reason to move out now and get married ? You'll be uprooting your entire life and moving to a new city, moving and getting settled in there is going to take time and it will be difficult. What if it doesn't work out, how much time will you have wasted ?

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I really don't have any reason to stay where I'm at. Its a small town without many job prospects. I would end up moving soon anyways. You have a good point about it being a waste of time should it not work out. What I stand to gain if it works out seems to be worth the risk however.

JoeMarron said:

I get to finally get out of my parents house, create a life with a woman who I believe will make a fine wife, and not have to worry about any financial issues while I focus on starting a career. I avoid any risk of getting screwed over because I have nothing financially to offer. The risks of marriage are only valid to the one making the most money. In the event that things don't work out we can end the marriage and I'll start back at square one unscathed. This all sounds great but in spite of all this I'm still apprehensive about marriage. If anyone can point out any flaws in my logic I'd greatly appreciate it. Why shouldn't I take up an offer that has minimal risks and big rewards..

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YET.

You have nothing financially to offer YET. You are in your early 20's. You're fresh out of college. You're just getting started in the world. Of course you have nothing financially to offer. I didn't either when I was 22. :crackup:

This woman is smart because she sees potential. She sees you as someone who will LATER have much more to offer. Do you really believe she would want to marry you if she believed you'd be a pot-smoking hobo your entire life? I doubt it.

And trust me on this.. she will light a fire under your ass to be successful once you marry her. She will MAKE SURE you pass her financially at some point. Then the game changes.

However.. its totally possible that you lucked out here and found an idiot woman who you can actually benefit from marrying. Is she fat?

I say.. if you do it.. make sure you stay below her financially for the entire marriage. But that would suck. You don't want to be in your 30's and 40's making Taco Bell money.

Think hard about this. You know the girl better than I do.

You're too young to do this. At least get your BA or MA, a job and then you'll see what her real intentions are. Let your value increase. More options will follow as a result.

Not saying you are wrong but, be ever watchful when it comes to estrogen.

The future is full of possibilities, I don't plan on getting married without some sort of a prenup. The way this country hands everything over to your spouse after divorce is stupid. Yes the home maker should get something, but not the way it is setup.

You are putting your time, and life on the line. And your outlook is kind of simplistic. Definitely needs more thinking, hopefully this thread takes it there. I'll add more when I get home.

If you don't think you can make a long distance relationship work, nor do you have the desire to do so then you should not even attempt a marriage with this girl.

You kind of sound like the woman in the relationship. Don't fault you for thinking like you do, but you are looking at the relationship just like a woman would. Interesting.

YET.

You have nothing financially to offer YET. You are in your early 20's. You're fresh out of college. You're just getting started in the world. Of course you have nothing financially to offer. I didn't either when I was 22.

This woman is smart because she sees potential. She sees you as someone who will LATER have much more to offer. Do you really believe she would want to marry you if she believed you'd be a pot-smoking hobo your entire life? I doubt it.

And trust me on this.. she will light a fire under your ass to be successful once you marry her. She will MAKE SURE you pass her financially at some point. Then the game changes.

However.. its totally possible that you lucked out here and found an idiot woman who you can actually benefit from marrying. Is she fat?

I say.. if you do it.. make sure you stay below her financially for the entire marriage. But that would suck. You don't want to be in your 30's and 40's making Taco Bell money.

Think hard about this. You know the girl better than I do.

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It has crossed my mind that I'll eventually be more successful financially than her in the future and of course that's when the typical risks of marriage will kick in. However, two modest incomes is plenty to live of off and still have some left over to play with. I admit that this mindset is short sighted though. I don't know what ambitions I may have in the future. Lol she's not fat but she's not the type of chick that most of you here would go after. Like I said before she isn't the most attractive chick in the world but the boner test approves. Sex is great, she treats me like a King, I'm satisfied.

You're too young to do this. At least get your BA or MA, a job and then you'll see what her real intentions are. Let your value increase. More options will follow as a result.

Not saying you are wrong but, be ever watchful when it comes to estrogen.

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True. I guess the reason I'm a bit conflicted comes down to the dreaded scarcity mindset. Everyone likes to talk about how there are no quality women left, all women are devilish wh0res, etc. and I feel like I've found a needle in a haystack. It seems silly to throw away a good thing now for the possibility of a good thing in the future.

The future is full of possibilities, I don't plan on getting married without some sort of a prenup. The way this country hands everything over to your spouse after divorce is stupid. Yes the home maker should get something, but not the way it is setup.

You are putting your time, and life on the line. And your outlook is kind of simplistic. Definitely needs more thinking, hopefully this thread takes it there. I'll add more when I get home.

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I'd appreciate anything more you have to add.

If you don't think you can make a long distance relationship work, nor do you have the desire to do so then you should not even attempt a marriage with this girl.

You kind of sound like the woman in the relationship. Don't fault you for thinking like you do, but you are looking at the relationship just like a woman would. Interesting.

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Its more a question of why try to make long distance work. It'll only make me less sure about her since I'm spending less time with her. Plus we all know the risks involved with LDR's. Hah yeah I do sound like the woman. I don't think that's a bad thing though. Less men would be getting screwed over if they took a long hard look at what the woman has that they can benefit from. Most men on the planet would jump at the opportunity to marry a billionaire who they have a fulfilling relationship with.

Would you hand over your life to this woman, put it completely in her hands and give her the absolute ability to destroy you without any repercussions.

Also your reason to get married isn't that good, like others have said your giving marriage a weak name - starting in on what seems like a weak/unknown/shaky foundation.

Say you get married, what's gonna happen when trouble arises? Your family seems to have a strong say in what you do and they don't seem all that understanding if they are making you marry her and live elsewhere without the option of just living together and maturing your relationship.

Do you guys have any experience living and fending for yourselves? What about friends? Being around each other 24/7 might make you want to kill each other ... Just saying, it can happen to the best of us.

Your idea isn't doomed from the get-go, you just need to think about a bit more. Do you really trust this woman? Are you prepared to live on your own with her? What's your plan for college? What are your backup plans? How do you plan on defeating sh1t that happens.