Handling IHAB: Don't NC, Backburner Her

Uncharted

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Got a nice surprise today:

In February, I met a girl in a class. We flirted almost every time we saw each other. I got her number, asked her out, she said something like "well my boyfriend probably wouldn't like it." I responded "Yeah he probably wouldn't trust you around me. Let me know when you break up and we'll hang out if I don't have a girlfriend then." Confidently and calmly, not mad at all.

Then when I saw her in class, I did not ignore her. I kept everything the same. Flirting, smiling, talking to her - maybe a little more reserved than before. But I didn't text or call, I didn't ask her to hang out, I didn't talk to her about her boyfriend. I didn't go out of my way to talk to her, but if I saw her I treated her like a regular person (or a low priority plate). I also flirted with other girls in class. Our last class was around May 5th.

Today I get a text from the girl:

HB: Hi what's up?
Me: Hey there miss what's up with you?
HB: Haha nothing much just enjoying the sunshine.
HB: So I was thinking we should hang out

Date set. I'm assuming she broke up with her boyfriend. Even if not I will escalate until she tells me she's not single.

I know everyone here is quick to next/NC a girl with a boyfriend, but if you plant the seed that she can feel free to contact you, you have nothing to lose. Some people say "that's being beta". Who gives a sh!t if you're "nexting" her anyway. Just act like the rejection doesn't affect you and if something happens, it happens. You may get a nice surprise.
 

TheException

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I was honestly considering making a post on this subject. We got some real "harda$$es" on this site who give some pretty sh1t advice when it comes to this topic specifically. Uncharted you played this scenario well. Thats what i always do with plates that want to "spin away"....I NEVER have fights/confrontations like most chumps do and have that awkward LJBF talk or the "hmmm im busy every time we try to hang out scenario". Seems the majority of posters advocate for the ultimatum/NC line way toooo much.

NC is mainly reserved for when you break up so you dont turn into that chump sending her 5 page text love notes and begging for her back....its a tool to get OVER someone(mainly). Just dont blow up plates' phones if they spin away or act distant. Just chill and when they hit you up, make plans. Good topic uncharted.
 

Uncharted

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I think maybe NC is a good idea if you are still a noob/AFC or you can't handle rejection. You next/NC because you don't know how to handle it yet. You can't get attached and "wait" for a girl with a boyfriend. That will never work.

Once you realize that you don't need her, it gets much easier. In this case, I almost forgot about this girl because I was too busy dating others or being busy with my own life. I wasn't sitting home thinking about her - that would have made me want to call/text her.
 

TheCWord

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TheException said:
I was honestly considering making a post on this subject. We got some real "harda$$es" on this site who give some pretty sh1t advice when it comes to this topic specifically. Uncharted you played this scenario well. Thats what i always do with plates that want to "spin away"....I NEVER have fights/confrontations like most chumps do and have that awkward LJBF talk or the "hmmm im busy every time we try to hang out scenario". Seems the majority of posters advocate for the ultimatum/NC line way toooo much.

NC is mainly reserved for when you break up so you dont turn into that chump sending her 5 page text love notes and begging for her back....its a tool to get OVER someone(mainly). Just dont blow up plates' phones if they spin away or act distant. Just chill and when they hit you up, make plans. Good topic uncharted.
Good topic by Uncharted and good contribution by TheException. Since I've become more active on this site, I have noticed me playing the NC card too quickly or going really cold on a girl if she doesn't reciprocate the way I want her to right away. It's good to read some more level headed advice.
 

TheCWord

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Uncharted said:
I think maybe NC is a good idea if you are still a noob/AFC or you can't handle rejection. You next/NC because you don't know how to handle it yet. You can't get attached and "wait" for a girl with a boyfriend. That will never work.

Once you realize that you don't need her, it gets much easier. In this case, I almost forgot about this girl because I was too busy dating others or being busy with my own life. I wasn't sitting home thinking about her - that would have made me want to call/text her.
Hey Unchartered, let me get your opinion on something because it's on-topic.

I went hardcore NC on a oneitis girl at the start of the year. I was definitely in AFC obsessed land with this girl and, while we had a good bond, I would constantly try to make plans and she'd be busy and have no counter-offer, or I'd text all the time and she'd take hours/days to respond.

Even though we'd only been on a couple dates to go along with a year of being flirting friends, I felt I had to go complete NC - I deleted her off facebook and everything. She seemed shocked that I took such extreme measures and I at times question my decision - wondering if I should've been more like you in your post.

Do oneitis girls have to be put into NC?
 

Uncharted

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It depends on you. I think you always have oneitis for one of your plates, but the other plates just keep your mind off of her.

It sounds like you had to take some extreme measures because that worked for you and kept you from chasing her. Who cares what she thinks - if she doesn't want to date you then fvck her. She probably still has your number though, so if she wants to contact you she can. If not, then whatever.

NC is really to protect yourself, as TheException stated. If YOU can handle it, you don't have to go NC, just tone it down.

But also remember that if you ask her out and she declines, it's time to next because she isn't interested. In the IHAB case, it's possible that she is interested but that she really does have a boyfriend.
 

TheException

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I almost forgot about this girl because I was too busy dating others or being busy with my own life.

This^

Made me lol because this is exactly what happens when you dont get obsessed over a girl and she comes back. One of the little pleasant surprises of life...
 

nismo-4

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I read mixed signals as low interest.

I have little tolerance for female bullsh*t. IHAB is code for "I don't find you attractive enough for me." Yes, act as if the rejection didn't faze you, but spin more plates at the same time.

It's my one hit point wonder rule. One mess up means I drop you. If you're gonna make it difficult for me in the beginning, what's gonna happen later? Yep, a girl's first impression is a lasting impression.

Sure you might luck out like the case here, but don't hold your breath.

Case closed.
 

TheCWord

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If the girl in your post didn't have a boyfriend, if she turned down your invitation simply because she wasn't interested, how would you interact with her in the future? Would you keep up the smiles and flirtation like you did when she told you she had a boyfriend, or would you dial it all the way down to a polite hello and that's it?

I always wonder if the change in behaviour stands out as being odd - you know, going from being aggressive and trying to make chit chat with her all the time to shutting it down completely because she rejected you. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be: she isn't interested so she's no longer entitled to your charming interactions.

Edit: Because I've been called out on that before. I was flirting with this girl hard, always making excuses to see her at her end of the building at work, then when she flaked on plans I stopped the visits and stopped the texting. She said, "I thought we were friends, but obviously you were only being nice to me on the condition that I'd go out with you."
 

Uncharted

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If I knew 100% that she was not interested, I would dial it all the way down to minimal politeness.

Who cares what she thinks? She's not interested in you anyway.

If she said that she thought you were friends, it's possible that you took too long to ask her out or were never forward enough. She needs to know ASAP that you have some interest or she will friendzone you.
 

Pimp-sicle

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The thing that most people on this board don't understand is that interest level is dynamic; its constantly changing in one direction or another.

From a Sosuave perspective if interest level isn't sky-high from the get go, most people advise automatically NEXTING a girl, which is just bad practice in my opinion.

If you shift your attention elsewhere, while also maintaining your composure as the OP did, many times the girl will come back to you.

Furthermore, you never know why her actions might not be carrying all the way thru at any given point.

Boyfriend, outside issues, stress, life in general.....

Spin plates, have a life and don't take women too seriously and you will win more times than not.


Props to the OP on a hand well played.










PIMP
 

VladPatton

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I agree with this tactic. No need to be offended or butthurt. Just be normal, carry on, and say, "yeah, call me", and you just may get that nice surprise one day. At the same time, you should NOT bank on that girl calling you...ever, for 90% of the time she won't. 10% is still better than zero, so let the ball be in her court.
 

expos

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Pimp-sicle said:
The thing that most people on this board don't understand is that interest level is dynamic; its constantly changing in one direction or another.
This. I've been in situations where I lost and gained interest.

One of my weirdest hookups took place in college...with a old high school classmate that I had no interest in while we attended high school together. She went to the same college and she saw me out one night and I started flirting with her like crazy. I don't think she ever had any interest in me while we were teenagers. Next thing I know I'm in her dorm room sucking on her t!ts.

You can definitely change interest levels...but you need to come off completely different from the person you were when you originally made the move on her and failed. Either up your wardrobe, gain some muscle or lose some weight, become more Alpha than Beta. Date a hotter woman and get her jealous and pique the interest.
 

LongLostFriend

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The only times you should NC a chick:

1. She dumped you (the NC is for "detoxing" and permanently moving on and staying out of her orbit).
2. You have been friendzoned (the NC is in order not to turn into her beta orbiter chump).
3. It is clear that she is merely an attention ***** who does nothing but flake on you (the NC is order that you not get sucked into that pattern).

In all three of these cases, the chick essentially wants something from you without having to give you what you want from her. If the chick is merely showing lack of interest without trying to make you her "straight gay BFF" or her emotional tampon or whatever, just backburner her and don't go nuclear about it.

Think of it this way, in "spinning plates" terms: NC is breaking the plate into a million pieces, while the backburner is putting the plate in the cupboard and forgetting about it.
 

j0504s

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You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Uncharted again. Good Stuff!
 

BigSmooth

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I agree. Good thread.

Going NC for most situations results in burning too many unnecessary bridges. Just keep on doing what you're doing...and you'll be planting the seed that might eventually pay off.
 

HalfAddict

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I used to be the first to say ehhh next ehhh go NC... but once you can learn the difference between desperation and persistence, you really do not need to do this anymore. Sometime she just NEEDS you to jump through these hoops to feel right about letting you in. Obviously you should play this by ear.

Recently I met a girl who had a very high initial IL, she approached me, she gave me her number, we hung out and she came over...she didn't put out, we ended up going to second base, snuggling and watching movies. Over the course of the last month we'd exchange text here and there, see each other a few times blah blah blah...she even flaked out on me last week.

Know what I did? I didn't say **** about it and I did not let it affect me, I went out with other girls and kept treating her the same. Last night, well ;).

Having an abundance mindset is a self fulfilling prophecy, just be comfortable and if she does not like you move on.. she'll let you know she does not like you when you make a move, so make a move.
 

Uncharted

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Thread Update: We've gone on three "dates" and had sex on #2/3. She is extremely high IL (initiating text every other day). I'm going to see her this weekend.

Whoever said that women are branch swingers is absolutely telling the truth. She asked on the third date if I was seeing anyone else. I'm assuming at some point she will want to be exclusive. In the meantime I'm enjoying it and not taking it too seriously. I will keep the thread updated.
 

TheException

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We've gone on three "dates" and had sex on #2/3. She is extremely high IL

Nice^

She asked on the third date if I was seeing anyone else. I'm assuming at some point she will want to be exclusive. In the meantime I'm enjoying it and not taking it too seriously.

Good assumption. Hope you didnt respond with a "yes" or a "no" or try to explain yourself. Its a common sh1t test, and its best to deflect or just agree and amplify.

HB:Are you seeing anyone else?
Me:You know i got a girlfriend for every day of the week. Your my favorite though.

or the classic
HB: Are you seeing anyone else?
Me: Its complicated

Dont worry about it though...let her think about relationships while you just have a good time like you stated. Dont forget to be screening her...its great you guys are hooking up and having a good time, but dont let sex get in the way of her flaws.
 

Uncharted

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TheException said:
HB: Are you seeing anyone else?
Me: Its complicated
Basically what I told her - said "it's complicated, i'm just looking for the best person for me" then changed the subject.
 
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