I feel like I only want to fukc girls to overcompensate for my past,and feel superior
Warning: Long post/rant.
My past sucks and is saturated with low self-esteem and low confidence.
In high school, I got hit on a lot. So many opportunities. I had such low self-esteem I thought that every girl that hit on me was engaging in a practical joke (wtf was wrong with me).
In college, man, college. I could have banged so many chicks. Looking back, I remember so many IOIs, all which I dismissed as meaningless, and not indicators that the girl wants anything to do with me. I only smartened up after reading Attraction Is Not A Choice by David DeAngelo right before I went to Cancun where at the age of 21 I finally had my first kiss. Never even held a girl's hand before that.
It was still pretty bad advice to apply to Cancun, since women weren't playing games there, although it did give me the balls to make out with a couple of girls (was still scared shytless 99% of the time).
The cocky/funny stuff did was my senior year, and the cocky/funny stuff helped me nail this (hot) chick in my group project. That was my first lay at 23. It was also the first time I felt a boob.
Since then (I'm 28) I've been in a 2 year LTR and nailed 7 girls total, one which has been a slut I met off a dating site, which I put 0 effort into, so its really 6.
Notice my way of thinking I have a tendency not to count my last lay because she was a slut and I didn't have to work for it at all.
Because of my sh!tty, non-existent past with females, I feel the need to overcompensate. All my friends and family assume I fukced dozens and dozens of women (I never told them that) and therefore regard me as high status and respect me as such.
In other words, I would be treated differently if I knew the truth. Sure, they would still love me. But their opinion of me would change because that's how they've been raised in society.
I'm actually kind of picky with women. I don't want to fukc 5/10s or even 6/10s... But I would (and have), to get my numbers up. Its pathetic.
The point is, I'm not interested in nailing dozens of women. I feel like I could be content with one woman for the rest of my life:
1) If I didn't feel the need to overcompensate for my past.
2) If I didn't associate nailing dozens of women to be high status.
But I do feel both of those things, and it hurts me more than it helps me in life.
I'm wondering if anyone can relate.