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Old 06-22-2011, 12:36 PM   #1
thegoodstuff92
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Could you still be friends with someone after a "hooking up"

This girl and I have been "talking" since Mid March, and things officially ended on June 20th. She was not upfront about how she felt, and she tried gradually moving it into a friendship before I caught her doing it. At first things went great, we had a lot of great hook ups... I even went to her college and slept with her in her dorm (not sex, we could've had sex but I denied and I feel pretty proud of myself for that weirdly enough). Then things started going down hill, she started distancing herself and the hook ups became less, eventually we stopped making out and hooking up but we still talked. It all came to an end when I called her up asking what we were doing, and she said she just wants to be friends. She doesn't want me to from her life.

The thing is, I don't know if I can stay friends with her. I didn't really know her before we started messing around. Needless to say, she is also a mutual friend with a lot of my friends. I don't want to be friends with her, with the feeling of expecting something more. But I also don't want to be a jerk, and just go No Contact with her at all.
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:38 PM   #2
thegoodstuff92
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I also cannot respect the fact that she was not upfront about things, and rather she tried gradually turning it into a friendship. She ****ed with my feelings doing that, giving me mix signals and what not. I called it too, the moment she started distancing herself. So it's like I told you so, but it's coming from myself...
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:44 PM   #3
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Just be aloof about it man. Just be like "alright, kool" and still flirt and what not but also focus on other gals. You dont have to flat out ignore her but dont make all your time and thoughts about her.

And did she start getting distant right after you rejected the sex?
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:49 PM   #4
thegoodstuff92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaylan

And did she start getting distant right after you rejected the sex?


we hooked up 4 more times after I rejected the sex. What I mean by hook up is, oral sex, intense make out sessions and other things...but no sex. I told her that I didn't want sex until we both knew what we wanted (at the beginning to end, she wasn't ready for a relationship because she just got out of a four year relationship with a guy and it ended bad). So not necessarily.

Would it be a bad idea to ask her what made her feelings for me change?
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:53 PM   #5
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i'm friends with a fair few of the people i've hooked up with in the past - and yes, there's definitely a lot of mutual friends with some of them - i mean, this is going to happen if you have a lot of friends or wide social groups. personally i think its a good thing to have lots of different types of friendships at different levels with people, some strong, some less so - and good to have friendships with girls, it makes you a lot more balanced, it opens doors to more people. and...well...hot girls tend to have other hot girls as friends, its good if there's a general sense that you are someone fun to hang out with and not someone who throws a strop and storms off in a huff or is a stressful kinda person that can't handle stuff

i've said this before but i liken these kinds of relationships to peoples relationships with alcohol. too many dudes can only cope with either a relationship with a girl or nothing at all, nothing in between - just in the way alcoholics can't just have a couple drinks, its cold turkey or a bender. i think this is a really bad look! it means you are an overly serious and intense person and this is picked up on really easily! it also means you're not widening your social circle, every girl you meet - its a relationship or cutting them dead, always with the cutting people out, its melodramatic and histrionic. overfocusing on someone and overly avoiding someone, they're kind of the same thing - too much thinking about that one person, a lack of naturalness and easyness in both cases

i just think its kinda better not to get so up in arms about all this, to be a bit more composed and able to deal with stuff without having to go cold turkey, to be a bit more relaxed and.....fun?
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Old 06-22-2011, 01:01 PM   #6
thegoodstuff92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mahoney
i'm friends with a fair few of the people i've hooked up with in the past - and yes, there's definitely a lot of mutual friends with some of them - i mean, this is going to happen if you have a lot of friends or wide social groups. personally i think its a good thing to have lots of different types of friendships at different levels with people, some strong, some less so - and good to have friendships with girls, it makes you a lot more balanced, it opens doors to more people. and...well...hot girls tend to have other hot girls as friends, its good if there's a general sense that you are someone fun to hang out with and not someone who throws a strop and storms off in a huff or is a stressful kinda person that can't handle stuff

i've said this before but i liken these kinds of relationships to peoples relationships with alcohol. too many dudes can only cope with either a relationship with a girl or nothing at all, nothing in between - just in the way alcoholics can't just have a couple drinks, its cold turkey or a bender. i think this is a really bad look! it means you are an overly serious and intense person and this is picked up on really easily! it also means you're not widening your social circle, every girl you meet - its a relationship or cutting them dead, always with the cutting people out, its melodramatic and histrionic. overfocusing on someone and overly avoiding someone, they're kind of the same thing - too much thinking about that one person, a lack of naturalness and easyness in both cases

i just think its kinda better not to get so up in arms about all this, to be a bit more composed and able to deal with stuff without having to go cold turkey, to be a bit more.....fun?


i believe in balance, and expanding my social horizons. Thank you for your input, I found a new attitude to believe in. And she does have a lot of hot friends haha, one of her friend's cousins was really into me at this party we were at together now that I realize it. Thank you good person.
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Old 06-22-2011, 01:11 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegoodstuff92
we hooked up 4 more times after I rejected the sex. What I mean by hook up is, oral sex, intense make out sessions and other things...but no sex. I told her that I didn't want sex until we both knew what we wanted (at the beginning to end, she wasn't ready for a relationship because she just got out of a four year relationship with a guy and it ended bad). So not necessarily.

Would it be a bad idea to ask her what made her feelings for me change?

Erm...what? Its like you're not even speaking English.

Bang first. Ask questions later.
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Old 06-22-2011, 01:20 PM   #8
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Short Answer: Yes.

Long Answer : After some time has passed. I'm on friendly turns with a few of my old hook ups. We chat and might hang out every now and then. BUT. They are not my bros. We don't hang every day, we don't talk every day or see each other every day. (then again I don't do that with my bros either). We are 'fond acquaintances'. You get me? After we stopped hooking up, I usually took a break from them (to chase other girls) and then after some time we may occasionally talk or hang out. But very few of them are true friends like my bros are. The got your back type of friends.

The point of your post OP is that you have been dumped. Plain and simple. You don't go hanging out with the person that dumped you. It's pathetic. You would feel the same way about some chic you dumped and didn't like and she kept hanging around you. You would wonder what was wrong with her. 'Just be friends' is code for 'go away except when I want something'. So do what it says and move on. Don't call, don't hang out. Be polite and move on. It's not being a jerk to go no contact. It's being nothing at all. Being a jerk would be constantly calling her or harrassing her to hook up again, being a chump would be pvssy begging. Being a man is to know how to move on when its over and when you see her in your social circle you are relaxed, unphased, not bitter and polite. Man up.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:19 PM   #9
thegoodstuff92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Warrior74
Short Answer: Yes.

Long Answer : After some time has passed. I'm on friendly turns with a few of my old hook ups. We chat and might hang out every now and then. BUT. They are not my bros. We don't hang every day, we don't talk every day or see each other every day. (then again I don't do that with my bros either). We are 'fond acquaintances'. You get me? After we stopped hooking up, I usually took a break from them (to chase other girls) and then after some time we may occasionally talk or hang out. But very few of them are true friends like my bros are. The got your back type of friends.

The point of your post OP is that you have been dumped. Plain and simple. You don't go hanging out with the person that dumped you. It's pathetic. You would feel the same way about some chic you dumped and didn't like and she kept hanging around you. You would wonder what was wrong with her. 'Just be friends' is code for 'go away except when I want something'. So do what it says and move on. Don't call, don't hang out. Be polite and move on. It's not being a jerk to go no contact. It's being nothing at all. Being a jerk would be constantly calling her or harrassing her to hook up again, being a chump would be pvssy begging. Being a man is to know how to move on when its over and when you see her in your social circle you are relaxed, unphased, not bitter and polite. Man up.

I understand. However, before things happened between us, she asked me if things didn't turn out well or how it was supposed to, that she still wanted me to keep in touch with her. She made me try to promise that nothing will change between us. I told her I couldn't promise it, but I'd like to try. But I can see your point of view on being a Man. What do you think? I still feel attracted towards her, I think I should still give it a little time before we actually hang out as friends.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:26 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegoodstuff92
I understand. However, before things happened between us, she asked me if things didn't turn out well or how it was supposed to, that she still wanted me to keep in touch with her. She made me try to promise that nothing will change between us. I told her I couldn't promise it, but I'd like to try. But I can see your point of view on being a Man. What do you think? I still feel attracted towards her, I think I should still give it a little time before we actually hang out as friends.

That bit in bold, that's not a contract. It means absolutely nothing. It's just something people say at the time because it feels good. It's "god bless you" after a sneeze. Ignore it.

Because you still feel attracted to her, you NEED some time. You aren't going to be LESS attracted to her by spending time with her and not being able to have her like you used to. You will be frustrated and a chump (as for average, yah, you'll be that too). Wake up. If she calls you, chat for 5-10 mins and get off the phone, if she wants to meet up, politely decline, you're busy. But what you should not be doing is calling/texting/IMing/Hanging Out with her. You should be meeting other women and being social and focusing on your career and studies. Realize that it may not have been an official relationship, but it was an official dump. You have been dumped.

Your generation (and I noticed this in younger girls I date) don't like to define things. You'll say hooking up instead of dating, so it's in theory emotionally easier to break it off. But it's not, because it leaves people in limbo. You are in limbo. Look at it in old school terms. You guys were dating, now you are not.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:57 PM   #11
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For me it used to be hard but as I get older its not that big a deal as you learn to see things for how they are without getting all bent out of shape about it.

Even if you really liked a girl and you guys had sex and what not but it didn't work out the mature side of you learns how to remain friendly and put her in some 3rd category in your mind

1) stricly friends, 2) dating/girlfriend, and 3) girls you briefly had something with but something happend and it stopped.

Its just a category on its own and has its own dynamics that can be kind of fun.
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Old 06-22-2011, 03:14 PM   #12
thegoodstuff92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Warrior74
That bit in bold, that's not a contract. It means absolutely nothing. It's just something people say at the time because it feels good. It's "god bless you" after a sneeze. Ignore it.

Because you still feel attracted to her, you NEED some time. You aren't going to be LESS attracted to her by spending time with her and not being able to have her like you used to. You will be frustrated and a chump (as for average, yah, you'll be that too). Wake up. If she calls you, chat for 5-10 mins and get off the phone, if she wants to meet up, politely decline, you're busy. But what you should not be doing is calling/texting/IMing/Hanging Out with her. You should be meeting other women and being social and focusing on your career and studies. Realize that it may not have been an official relationship, but it was an official dump. You have been dumped.

Your generation (and I noticed this in younger girls I date) don't like to define things. You'll say hooking up instead of dating, so it's in theory emotionally easier to break it off. But it's not, because it leaves people in limbo. You are in limbo. Look at it in old school terms. You guys were dating, now you are not.

I understand and agree with everything you said. I do need time. I liked her a lot, but she does not feel the same way anymore. It is over between us. It just sucks because we have a lot of close mutual friends, so if I hang out with any of them, I'm bound to run into her...and that is not what I need right now.
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:21 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegoodstuff92
It just sucks because we have a lot of close mutual friends, so if I hang out with any of them, I'm bound to run into her...and that is not what I need right now.

in fact, its exactly what you need. the sooner you do this, the better - it will normalize more quickly. plus its a good thing in life to be able to see girls you had a thing with and not be all wound up and bitter about it - don't be the alcoholic that can't cope with the site of a beer.

the people you know who are super popular, the life of everything, the ones who seem to glide through life, get things right, the ones that people gravitate towards,

how you think they deal with seeing an ex?
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:25 PM   #14
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hmmmm

you can try the one where you distance yourself from her and make her miss you(assuming she doesnt want to loose you as a "friend")


i see that tip a lot around here it seems like it works

and then after not seeing her for like 3-4 weeks act like you dont even miss her and things couldnt have been better for you
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:36 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegoodstuff92
we hooked up 4 more times after I rejected the sex. What I mean by hook up is, oral sex, intense make out sessions and other things...but no sex. I told her that I didn't want sex until we both knew what we wanted (at the beginning to end, she wasn't ready for a relationship because she just got out of a four year relationship with a guy and it ended bad).

Would it be a bad idea to ask her what made her feelings for me change?

Beg your pardon? You told a hot girl willing to sleep with you that there was to be no sex until you knew what you wanted? You turned her off 110% right there. You are the guy, unless you are extremely stressed or lost family, you should always want sex.

And now you are getting emotional and trying to salvage it because she may have moved on. The world's not going to stop according to your schedule.
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:42 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trump
Beg your pardon? You told a hot girl willing to sleep with you that there was to be no sex until you knew what you wanted? You turned her off 110% right there. You are the guy, unless you are extremely stressed or lost family, you should always want sex.

And now you are getting emotional and trying to salvage it because she may have moved on. The world's not going to stop according to your schedule.
Um not true. And he clarified that they still hooked up after that.

I just dont like perpetuating the idea that whenever a woman wants sex she can get it from us. That mode of thinking is completely opposite of abundance theory and gives the puzsy the ridiculous amount of power it already has.

In my experience the girls who I dont always put out for end up chasing me and wanting it more since they cant always have it on demand. Absence makes the snatch grow fonder in my experience. Not too much absence though.

And even in the couple of cases where I had a girl get all pissy, or the one gal who told people I was gay, I still got play from them later. Girls are not used to having sex dictated to them so it does screw with their egos and confidence but also shows them that you are a man who enjoys sex, but you are above needing it. And that they might not be the only ones who will provide it to you.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:46 PM   #17
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why not? I have friends i have banged. Friends with benefits are the best be Friends to have.
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