Problems with disrespect from wife

[heroshima]

Originally Posted by jophil28

" ...perception of peace for the sake of the kids.."

I understand what and why you are saying that, BUT perception is not reality.

You need to create the REALITY of a re-establishment of your rightful leadership... no smoke and mirrors, and no lame "perception".
Your children do not deserved to be deceived even if your intentions are honorable.
They deserve a father who is in charge, nothing less will do.

I understand. I have created peace because I now feel that I am in a strong enough position to not fight.

What I trying to figure out now is how do I continue to view my wife (or my wife's bloated ego) as an adversary while maintaining peace in the house?

[Falcon25]

Are you guys still discussing this guy's dysfunctional life and relationship? Let this thread die. This guy is hopeless.

[Danger]

Originally Posted by heroshima

I understand. I have created peace because I now feel that I am in a strong enough position to not fight.

What I trying to figure out now is how do I continue to view my wife (or my wife's bloated ego) as an adversary while maintaining peace in the house?

Go with Jophil and Rollo's advice. Between the two of them I have righted my own ship and their knowledge has serverd me very well. Listen carefully to what they say and never be afraid to walk away.

First thing is first though, and that means generating higher value for yourself once again. It looks like you are on the right path.

I would continue down that road and also prepare for the worst. That being your wife eventually leaving you. It may seriously be too late for any sort of "damage control". But then again, maybe it isn't. Your wife did lay down her own intentions when she said she was not going to give up singing. That is a serious problem that you need to consider.

Good luck mate, I truly hope this turns out well for you.

[Franky Four Fingers]

Originally Posted by Falcon25

I liked Rolo's response. I will go one step further and say she has already fuvked him. Many times. She will find another guitarist. This time, you won't know. You did something that no man should do, you verbalized your feelings. When she wanted her "hobby" you should have put your foot down. No hobbies that take time away from her children. Second, when she started getting the hots for this guy, all of a sudden, you have a blonde that is calling you or texting. Nothing, nothing, flames a relationship like a woman scorned and jealous. She has you. I suggest; 1) hide money 2) make sure she sees or hears about women in your hobbies 3) stop giving a fuvk and talking, don't touch her. You fuvking *****. Look at what she is doing to you. Slap this ***** around a bit. A woman should FEAR you, as well as LOVE you. She doesn't fear or respect you. Why do you think divorce rate is so low in other parts of the world? Is it because they let their wives have singing careers and male lead's at 40? Unbelievable some of these guys.

You apologized? For what? Being a man? A husband? A dad? WTF?

You gave an ultimatum? Us men don't give ultimatums. Girls do that. We speak with our actions.

I can go on and on. I'm so tired of seeing this happen to men. I just wish that men understood that love alone means nothing to a woman. It's fear of losing you, fear of getting her ass beat, putting her in place BEFORE these things happen. Training her like a dog. Does that sound too vulgar? Does it offend your ears? What happens when you reward bad behavior in a dog? Sure, she's not a dog, but she's a woman. SHE WILL FUVK OTHER MEN IF YOU DON"T STEP UP. SHE HAS TO GO TO BED NEXT TO YOU EVERY NIGHT, KNOWING THAT YOU COULD BE GONE OR SOME VERY BAD **** WILL HAPPEN IF SHE CROSSES THAT LINE OF DISRESPECT.

So, if you don't like tasting another man's *** in your wife's vagina. I suggest you start acting a little crazy, a little off, a little weird the next few weeks. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER.

Amen! This guy got it right.

Like Falcon mentioned about third world countries and why their divorce rates are typically FAR lower than the US; Consequences if she cheats or disrespects you in anyway. The result of this? Men get respected in the majority of those third world countries.

The old 'give em an inch they take a mile' applies here. I am a HUGE believer in holding someone accountable if they act badly especially if it's a significant other in a relationship.

They treat you well you treat them well, simple enough. They treat you badly you treat them badly x3 because it was them that was stupid enough to start it all the while you were being good to them.

Everyone from my dearest family member to the bum living on the street is either my loved one or my friend until THEY prove otherwise.

My current LTR who is generally very sweet and who I treat EXTREMELY well in return, while "maintaining the frame" as it's termed here at SS, had a 'women moment' and tried a few disrespectful hints in the beginning of our relationship. I dropped the hammer on her (metaphorically speaking) instantly. 2 years later and she's still extremely gun shy to try it again.

Once bitten twice shy. If I let her get away with it back then then we wouldn't be here 2 years later as things would have just gotten worse.

I read a book called "Love Tactics" like 7-10 years ago (strikingly similar philosophy on relationship & DJ tactics as SS) and they said a relationship is like a house. One wall holding up the house was Friendship. The other wall was Respect. The roof was Passion. If you lose any one of these (especially respect) the house comes crumbling down. Interesting metaphor.

If the need arises whether with relationships, strangers etc., someone gets out of line while you are being respectful to them then you either step up immediately right then or step off permanently because once they get away with it once forget it.

[jophil28]

Originally Posted by heroshima

I understand.
What I trying to figure out now is how do I continue to view my wife (or my wife's bloated ego) as an adversary while maintaining peace in the house?

Whilever you are focussed on her actions, thoughts, feelings, intentions or mindgames you are playing in her sandbox. And you will remain reactive.

Your mission is first and foremost to rebuild your own sense of personal power from the inside.
Ultimately the only legitimate power we all have is the power to live our lives in sensible, productive ways.

In your position I would be working on ridding myself of all that marriage "flab"..
The flab I am talking about is your willingness to be less than the best you can be because it is 'easy' to be that way.
We men can "settle" inside relationships -we become tolerant of the intolerable, and accept the unacceptable for the sake of "peace" and compromise.
Your "recovery" depends on implementing a gradual but concerted campaign of self disciplined resistance to your old ways of shaping and molding yourself to accomodate her whims and wishes..

She will change herself only after YOU change yourself.

The key to reversing her 'lost direction' is not by exerting overt power over her, but by creating a list of dominant qualities and attributes that you need for yourself, and then being willing to do whatever it takes to acquire them.

[frivolousz21]

Originally Posted by jophil28

Whilever you are focussed on her actions, thoughts, feelings, intentions or mindgames you are playing in her sandbox. And you will remain reactive.

Your mission is first and foremost to rebuild your own sense of personal power from the inside.
Ultimately the only legitimate power we all have is the power to live our lives in sensible, productive ways.

In your position I would be working on ridding myself of all that marriage "flab"..
The flab I am talking about is your willingness to be less than the best you can be because it is 'easy' to be that way.
We men can "settle" inside relationships -we become tolerant of the intolerable, and accept the unacceptable for the sake of "peace" and compromise.
Your "recovery" depends on implementing a gradual but concerted campaign of self disciplined resistance to your old ways of shaping and molding yourself to accomodate her whims and wishes..

She will change herself only after YOU change yourself.

The key to reversing her 'lost direction' is not by exerting overt power over her, but by creating a list of dominant qualities and attributes that you need for yourself, and then being willing to do whatever it takes to acquire them.

This is gold. And dead on. If this guy gets his **** together for him and for his kids to give them what he believes is a strong father.

his wife will either get in line or resist and possibly leave and while it is really hard to see passed that after 20 years. He will be much better off for it, if he does this for himself and not her.

Honestly no matter what she is doing now, if he "man" up she will likely fall in line like my cat does.

during my 2 year pill popping life...my woman told me first and foremost she wants a say and equality but she wants me wearing the pants and being an addict will ruin that.

I learned quickly when I got clean for me and took my life back and made it what I WANT IT TO BE. EVERYONE FELL IN LINE OR GOT THE **** OUT.

so many of us are terrified to take that ownership because we are afraid someone will leave.


this goes all the way back to my ONE I TIS in 2004 that got me here. I was such a huge *****. And when I finally found this place and manned up...she finally after me being a ***** writing love letters begging for her. Chases me, wanted me. I was done with it.

that opened my eyes.

Once your eyes are opened you are free to make this whatever you want it to be. That is where we can sit and debate all day what is the right way.

but once the eyes are open, you can make whatever right way you want

[heroshima]

I like it.

I'm on it.

[DMEDFISIK]

How is this playing out? I'm curious.

[JT7890]

This is why the hell I'm NEVER getting married. You guys gave the OP some good advice, but here's the real truth:

"AT ANY GIVEN TIME, NO MATTER HOW STRONG YOUR FRAME, NO MATTER HOW STRONG YOUR GAME, THE CHICK CAN STILL LOSE INTEREST."

Women have been liberated to a point where they don't need men no damn more. So if she feels that she just wants to walk the hell out, she will! And it's not a damn thing you can do about it!

Yet they will shame men in the media and talk about where are all the good men and why are most men players? Ummm, you MADE US THAT WAY!

[Die Hard]

Exactly, they made us that way. Now act like it and have fun! Enjoy life, enjoy women! Punani and azz for everyone!!!!

[heroshima]

Well it's been about 9 months and I have been meaning to give you guys an update on this situation.

I am still with my wife but things, on the whole, are much better for me now than they were a year ago when I was in the midst of the situation with guitar man. I've done a lot of work on myself. Also, I've worked to unravel some of the unproductive and destructive parts of my relationship with my wife.

I can say that, aside from my own motivation to change, I have acquired a lot of inspiration from the Game community, the manosphere, or what have you. I can honestly say that Roissy's The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon is absolute gold. Most of the changes that I've made reflect what I learned from that list. http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-s...ments-of-poon/

I'd also like to mention the excellent writing and information that is coming from Rollo http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/ and Shark http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/

My outlook has changed and I've learned much about my own life and my interactions with women. The last year has been a huge challenge but I am grateful to be unplugging from the Matrix.

[Rubirosa]

It's great to hear that things are better...good job bro, but can you possibly elaborate ?

[heroshima]

Let my try to give a rundown of what worked for me.

At first I had to really disconnect from her to get some distance on the situation. As soon as I started in that direction she started to notice. All the while I was investigating to see how deep/intimate their relationship had become. I felt relatively sure that this situation had not gone too far and that my relationship was worth salvaging.

I worked on myself. Working out, spending time with friends, spending time alone, started taking better care of myself, dropped 10 pounds, bought some better clothes and shoes.

I worked to destroy her pedestal. C&F and A&A helped a lot with that.

I also told her that I was not interested in any interaction with guitar man. I told her that I didn't trust him and would never come to any of her shows. I backed off and let her think about this.

She was noticing the changes I had been making. I also started to interact with other women more. I saw that I could easily have started new relationships and that helped break me out of the ONEitis.

She decided to stop playing music with guitar man and told him they could no longer be friends.

I had a much better hand in the relationship. After that it has been really about fine tuning. I keep learning about Game and leveling the field.

There have been speed bumps along the way. At times I have had to lean into her. At times the punishment has been severe. I've also rewarded her when she is moving in the right direction.

For the most part I am much stronger and she is supplicating to me. My work now is to balance her anxiety with a bit of reward.

I have definitely learned how to "caffeinate" her hamster.

[heroshima]

I know some of you are going to flame me for staying with her. I got plenty of that input.

I thought about leaving her many times and put that clearly on the table with her. The idea of divorce scared her and I could see that she didn't want our relationship to end.

I also looked very hard at how far their relationship had gone. I am relatively certain that she didn't fvck him. That being said I do feel like there was "emotional infidelity". There are times when I still feel resentful and I question if I should be in this relationship.

In the end I really had to leave it up to my gut. I pay much better attention to it now. That was a big lesson for me. I really didn't do a good job of paying attention to my gut when she was developing the relationship with guitar man. The thing I'm the most angry about is that I didn't listen to my gut and respond more quickly. I ignored my gut feeling that I didn't trust the guy and didn't want her hanging around him.

Even still my gut tells me to stay with her. She and I have had a powerful relationship. I have always been very attracted to her and we have a very good sex life. Also, she is a great mother to my two boys. My situation is definitely complicated by the fact that we have children.

All that being said, I feel like I've made a big change in my life. She treats me very well now and demonstrates her interest level in me often.

I want to encourage you guys to trust your gut and be honest with what you think with your girl. Letting my wife know exactly where I stood changed the relationship. Now, I let her know clearly what I like and don't like and she responds very well to that attitude.

[macagent]

Just want to back up heroshima's process here. We're pretty good mates, and hang out fairly often, so I can say with certainty the changes he speaks of are fact. He has made great strides working on himself, and continues to do the work, which has allowed him to mold his life and relationship into something far more fitting for him. He has become a different and better man, and has inspired me on my own journey of awakening. From what I see his wife is now all about pleasing him, and being a good wife and partner. Observing them interact now is so different from a year ago. He has the frame back, and is driving the relationship. From my perspective this is a success story, and I know the advice, encouragement, and maybe even the flaming too, has helped a great deal on his road to healing.

Love ya bro! keep up the good work

[Danger]

The power of knowing your own value.

Excellent work Mate.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Glad to see you're in a better place now. I'm not sure I agree with your sticking it out with her, but if you were going to (for your sons) at least it's on your terms, not hers.

Well done.

[heroshima]

Originally Posted by Rollo Tomassi

Glad to see you're in a better place now. I'm not sure I agree with your sticking it out with her, but if you were going to (for your sons) at least it's on your terms, not hers.

Rollo, can you tell me why you wouldn't stick it out with her? What would you be watching out for? Do you think too much damage has already been done?

[cordoncordon]

Originally Posted by Falcon25

This marriage is over in less than seven months. I don't care even if he had to hire actresses to play the role of other women interested in him. He has made severe mistakes. She has, and will continue, to have sex with other men. I had sex with a married woman last year, I know exactly what she's doing. She has the cards, and she knows how to use them. She's a smart one. By the way, even if she has sex with him everyday, it still doesn't subside her craving another man's covk. What subsides that is FEAR.

You will see a divorce thread from him before the Summer, if not, he will find out she is cheating and will KEEP her for the sake of children. Just like the married woman I banged and her husband. This man needs a complete change of character. He needs to go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and spit on the mirror, for being a weak man. He should read my first post over and over again if he wants to save his marriage. She is playing this guy like you won't believe. Why did she all of a sudden say "okay, you win, I won't see him"? Because she understood that he is finally figuring this all out. The fuvking ***** that she is. What 40 yr old woman pursues a singing career with a single man while she has two kids at home? The one that craves a strange covk.


Women never lie. They can lie to you with words, but can never lie in their actions. They're not savy as us men. Men try to rationalize women's bad behavior. They say things like "it's her hobby, she's just doing this because of..... or because of......" what they don't understand is her ACTIONS. There is no reason on this God's green earth why a 40 yr old married woman should be out late at night with a single man. Especially if she had two kids at home. WAKE THE FUVK UP!

Wrongo!

[sull313]

Wow, this story has many similarities to what happened to my 17 year relationship.. It seems Heroshima has pulled it back from the brink (for better or for worse, his call).
A married or LTR man needs to be on the lookout constantly for rival predators or he will pay the price of his complacency.
In a nutshell: My partner of 17yrs began spending a LOT of time on the 'net in the Second Life virtual reality game, to the point of obsession.
It got to the point where she would come to bed at 3am, and then be on it most of the day. Turned out that she had a "friend" on there..
She would go on about what they did in this virtual world, make business's house etc, and just hang out..
Progressed from chat to voice communication, this guy was in Germany, us in Australia.
To cut a long story short, they are now married, and I see my 4yo daughter once a week... this was three years ago.