Girlfriend suffers from depression

Ok, so my girlfriend of about a month opened up to me a few days ago and told me she suffers from depression. (I suspect she is bipolar). She also told me she tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago.

I know the mentality of this board, and you will all say run for the hills, shes unstable etc. But Im not here for that!

I like her, think shes a great person, and said I am here to support her. Despite her problems, the person inside is fantastic.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out the other day, but she cancelled saying she didn't feel right. (she was on a downer). So I phoned her...she didn't really talk properly...said she'd call me back but didn't. I called her again, and she was still not sounding right on the phone. I wanted to see her but she wasn't having it. Then I asked her what she was up to tonight...she said she was chilling with a friend but said im welcome...then she text me today asking if we made plans for tonight or not....and I sent a snappy text back because I felt disrespected by the way she has been with me the last day or two.

I know i'm being selfish, but she has stressed me out with this. I can't cope with her if she is just going to shut me out all the time when she feels down...all the uncertainty seems really cruel way to treat someone who wants to help you. I feel so useless and upset about it....

Yet, when we are together we are fine.

I don't know what to do.

F!DELITY said:

I know the mentality of this board, and you will all say run for the hills, shes unstable etc. But Im not here for that!

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We are here to give you the RIGHT advice, not tell you what you want to hear. You are not this girls' psychiatrist, let someone else deal with her problems (I'm sure there are plenty of nice chumps out there who are more than willing.) You should be having fun, not putting up with this sh!t.

agreed. Its not fun to deal with a negative, unstable person. You CAN do better. Its only been a month. Bail now before it gets worse.

Bail.

I agree Captain.

F!DELITY, remember one thing and remember it well:

"Just because you feel like helping someone, it doesn't mean that they want you to."

All I'm saying is that even though your heart goes out to this girl and you want to be there by supporting her in such a tough time, her actions are clearly indicating that she does NOT want your help. So why waste your time?

Here's what you should do, this is also something I would do if I were in your shoes:

The next time you are together (on the phone or in person, preferably in person), ask her if she would like your help while she's battling her depression. Like this:

You: "Hey, go make me a sandwich b*tch!"

Her: "Yes master, I aim to please your every desire."

LMAO, just kidding.

You: " (gf's name), let's talk for a little bit.

Her: "About what?"

You: "Remember when you told me that you've been going through depression? Well, I'd like to be there and help you when I can but lately I've just been getting the impression you don't want me to. So I'm asking you now, do you need my help or would you rather I mind my own business?"

Her: "Where is this coming from? I'm confused."

You: "It's pretty simple actually. When someone we care about is going through a difficult time, it's only natural to feel like you should support them. But the thing is, I also know that sometimes an individual doesn't really want this type of help and would rather focus on other things. So that's why I'm asking if you would like my help or not."

The next move is hers. If she says that she wants your help, then let her know she needs to start treating you better because the way she's been behaving lately towards you is very disrespectful. Don't whine and list everything she's done, just let her know that you deserve to be treated with respect and that she hasn't been doing so. If she begs you to say what she's been doing, just tell her 3-4 important things and not 10-20.

If she says she doesn't want your help then tell her she should consider signing up with a counselor and that you feel the two of you would be better off as friends. Let her girlfriends take care of her mentally, especially if she admits to not wanting your help.

Besides, are you even qualified to help her? Do you know what a depressed person feels like or goes through? If you end up breaking up with her, just tell her that you're not qualified to be the support she needs and that you only want the best for her. Also, if the two of you break up, be sure to get in contact with her close friends and immediate family to let them know that they should pay extra attention to her since the two of you just broke things off.

Now make sure you understand that I'm NOT telling you to dump her. Whatever you do is your choice and your choice alone. Hell, who knows...maybe you can help her get through this and she'll love you even more in the end. It's always best to see both sides of the story.

You're gonna have to keep your balls in check throughout this entire conversation so only do it if you can man up and take the heat.

Keep us posted & all the best.

F!DELITY said:

I don't know what to do.

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F!DELITY said:

I know the mentality of this board, and you will all say run for the hills, shes unstable.

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You clearly do know what to do. You just don't want to do it, which means you're the only one who's stopping yourself from making the right decision. Nothing we say is going to change your mind unless you face the truth you've already recognized.

People like this are always going to be unhappy and miserable because they themselves want to be, whether they realise it or not. Nothing you can do is going to make a difference to this girl's life except feed her need for attention and drama. No-one can help these people except themselves. Do yourself a favour and get out of this before she ruins you too.

Get out.

I know you think she'll change, I know you think the person underneath her is different, I know you think that enduring this is worth it. Let me tell you that it is NOT worth it. I was in a relationship with a girl like this for 4 months and the first month went pretty well, until her depression came back and she tried to kill herself. For the next 2 months I was unhappy but afraid of breaking up with her because she would take her life. I had to finally realize that it is not my duty to take care of her and make her better, that it may seem cold at first glance, but when you realize that when you are sacrificing your happiness the decision doesn't seem so heartless. It was a hard decision, because I cared a lot about her and I felt like I had to help her.

Break it off with her before you regret it man. Seriously. And turns out she didn't take her life when I broke up with her and she's doing just fine now, and if that psychob!tch didnt kill herself, then I REALLY doubt yours will.

But you probably won't anyway. I knew when I was first told to break it off that I didn't want to and that I made up excuses or convinced myself that she wasn't like that, and maybe you will too to try and justify staying with her. I promise you that things will not end pretty between you and a dramatic/emotional girl once you guys get really invested, things never do. I suppose it is your mistake to make, though, I just hope that it works out for you in the end.

Just be careful man, the longer you stay in a relationship with a depressed/emotional girl, the more addicted you get to the drama it brings, in a twisted way. It's almost scary man. It's pretty scary how that sh!t rubs off on you, and we've been broken up for two or three weeks now and I'm just now finishing "detoxing", if that makes any sense to anyone else.

If she's been a good girlfreind up to this point, then don't get out. Her being rude is probly just the medicne / depressoin talking. When all else fails imagin you being in her shoes. don't just give up beucase things are getting hard. Plus you should try to have sex with her. It's proven it makes girls feel better.

hellohowru1234 said:

If she's been a good girlfreind up to this point, then don't get out. Her being rude is probly just the medicne / depressoin talking. When all else fails imagin you being in her shoes. don't just give up beucase things are getting hard. Plus you should try to have sex with her. It's proven it makes girls feel better.

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I sure wish I had time to give you a clue, but i dont. I will say this: Captain Save-a-ho NEVER ends up in a good place. That Booty will be plundered by other pirates. Nuff said.

And, as much as I'd like to agree with the sex part, the fact is its only a temporary fix.

You want to be her therapist or her boyfriend. Pick one and stick with it. You can't have both.

Suggest she sees a doctor. It's not the end of the world. It's treatable.

Or you can play Captain-Save-A-Ho, but you will lose that game like everyone else before you. Try it anyways. You look like you need to hit rock bottom to learn the rules of game and this is the fastest and most painful way. Have fun!

i would leave seriously

Well, thanks for all the advice guys. Especially Brightys post, as he been through something similar.

I think I need to talk to her properly about this issue again.

It's a difficult decision for me because when we are together we are fine...But im not happy with the situation as it stands...so I need to hear from her about all this sh!t, and talk about what she expects and what I expect from one another.

BLEURGH!! lol

F!DELITY said:

But Im not here for that!

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Are you waiting for the moment when she tries to kill you for a change - or something ? Self-preservation rings any bells ?

F!DELITY said:

Ok, so my girlfriend of about a month opened up to me a few days ago and told me she suffers from depression. (I suspect she is bipolar). She also told me she tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago.

I know the mentality of this board, and you will all say run for the hills, shes unstable etc. But Im not here for that!

I like her, think shes a great person, and said I am here to support her. Despite her problems, the person inside is fantastic.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out the other day, but she cancelled saying she didn't feel right. (she was on a downer). So I phoned her...she didn't really talk properly...said she'd call me back but didn't. I called her again, and she was still not sounding right on the phone. I wanted to see her but she wasn't having it. Then I asked her what she was up to tonight...she said she was chilling with a friend but said im welcome...then she text me today asking if we made plans for tonight or not....and I sent a snappy text back because I felt disrespected by the way she has been with me the last day or two.

I know i'm being selfish, but she has stressed me out with this. I can't cope with her if she is just going to shut me out all the time when she feels down...all the uncertainty seems really cruel way to treat someone who wants to help you. I feel so useless and upset about it....

Yet, when we are together we are fine.
I don't know what to do.

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I was the same but quickly learnt.You have to be super patient and loving to help her through this issue. She needs a psychaitrist and medication to help. The problem can linger alot for up to 2 years but if you are committed to her then its just tIme. The secret is patience lovw and tolerance. They say the most irrational things....have patience

F!DELITY said:

I like her, think shes a great person, and said I am here to support her. Despite her problems, the person inside is fantastic.

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She has clearly sucked you in. Listen being there to support her as a friend is fine but know with every ounce of your being that your "support" will never beat her ilness. She sound BPD or bipolar to me.

They are capapble of the most devious sht and will convince you you're the one they want to spend the rest of their life with then a week later go off with someone they met at a gas station and ride the high hard for the entire weekend then come home and tell you "they need space" leaving you there wondering what you ever did wrong.

Pull eject NOW, there's no saving this one

hellohowru1234 said:

If she's been a good girlfreind up to this point, then don't get out. Her being rude is probly just the medicne / depressoin talking. When all else fails imagin you being in her shoes. don't just give up beucase things are getting hard. Plus you should try to have sex with her. It's proven it makes girls feel better.

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This is up there as one of the Top 5 worst advice posts I've ever read since I've been here and that's on and off for over 6 years...




PIMP

Pimp-sicle said:

This is up there as one of the Top 5 worst advice posts I've ever read since I've been here and that's on and off for over 6 years...




PIMP

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I have noticed an increase in newbie posters giving out advice too, advice so bad that it makes me think this forum is being sabotaged by women posing as guys.

OP, show a picture of drying babies in haiti to your gf and tell her to stop b|tchin cause whatever worthless bs excuse for being depressed she might have is worthless compared to what others are suffering. This is what happens when young girls are given a sence of entitlement by the media and culture.

f283000 said:

I have noticed an increase in newbie posters giving out advice too, advice so bad that it makes me think this forum is being sabotaged by women posing as guys.

OP, show a picture of drying babies in haiti to your gf and tell her to stop b|tchin cause whatever worthless bs excuse for being depressed she might have is worthless compared to what others are suffering. This is what happens when young girls are given a sence of entitlement by the media and culture.

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Having had a girlfriend who has had depression, I know that when you yourself don't have depression it is really hard to relate to them. See, for them, its usually a chemical imbalance and they can't help but feel depressed. My ex would be depressed and not know what about, and for women its worse because they tend to think with their emotions more than logic, and no matter how much I convinced her that her life was doing great it didn't make a difference. It was horrible. Seriously, draining stuff.

Throughout our relationship she occasionally got depressed, but it was nothing serious and I always cheered her up and it never lasted long, so I didn't pay it any attention.

However, it all climaxed one night when I watched her try to kill herself when she was blackout drunk and I literally saved her life. She and I had gotten back from a party, she had been irresponsible and had way too much to drink and had been throwing up. We ended up going back to her room and she wouldn't stop talking and making zero sense, and we ended up getting into a fight because I was trying to sleep. I stormed out of the room and two minutes later I got a text simply reading:

"I'm done with life, bye."

I tried calling her, but she didn't answer, so I ran back to her room. I busted into the bathroom to a scene with pills scattered everywhere, one of her wrists cut with a shaving razor, and her about to imbibe all of her prozac/Tylenol. The worst part was that halfway through the ordeal of me sitting down there and trying to talk to her, she went from being upset to just showing no emotion at all, that she spoke to me in a completely calm and somber tone that this was what she wanted and she wanted to be happy this way. And then she smiled at me. I will never, ever forget that haunting, twisted smile, and even though the night was hazy because I was drunk, that smile will stick out in my mind until the day I die.

I'm strong willed and a tough guy and I'm good at hiding my emotions, but after that smile I broke down and started crying that night in front of her, realizing that there was no way at all to reason with her because she was so drunk. Like, uncontrollable crying, like I have cried like that since... I can't even remember. I had to take the pills and the razor from her and sit with her in the bathroom until 6am. She passed out in her bed at 6 and I stayed up right next to her until she woke up six or seven hours later because I was scared to death she would try something when I was asleep.

To see someone you care about so much do that to themselves, right in front of you, smiling about it and telling you in a calm voice that this is what they want, getting mad at you for not letting them "be happy and end it", and realizing that there is nothing you can say to reason with them because they are too drunk... I've seen fvcked up videos on the internet, but they pale in comparison, this is the most haunting, disturbing thing I have ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. No one should have to go through that. I'm surprised I didn't need therapy for it, to be honest.

The next day she didn't really even recall much of the night and told me she was so sorry. She implied, never said, but implied that I shouldn't hold her accountable because she was so drunk. The fvcking audacity of it. Every day after until I broke up with her I always feared in the back of my mind that it would happen again and soon I felt like I had to stay in the relationship to make her happy and soon I decided that it was my job to make sure she was happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. I haven't gone into this much detail about this event to anyone before, and retyping it makes me remember things I guess my brain naturally try and forget.

And you know what the fvcked up part is? There's still a little part of me that wants her back - I don't even know if its me wanting her back, its more along the lines of me just wanting to be with her, to protect her and make everything better even LONG after we've broken up. The intense emotions that I felt that night hit something in me and even though we're broken up I still miss her occasionally and I feel close to her, I can't decide if it was because I saved her life or just that all of the drama she brought with her has rubbed off on me and now that I subconsciously crave it or what.

Like I said, it is your mistake to make to be in a relationship with a girl like this, no one on this board can convince you and I know you won't listen to us about it. Hell, I didn't listen to these guys either when I first got in a relationship with that girl (the phrase "Nah, my girl isn't like that" ring a bell?). Still man, I wish there was something I could do or say to convince you otherwise. But there isn't.

Give her a better man to follow. I'm guessing she has a no good relationship with father? Who knows, who cares. You care so much about her then why is she depressed? Man up son

Having had a girlfriend who has had depression, I know that when you yourself don't have depression it is really hard to relate to them.

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I had girls with depression and it's true, I couldn't relate to them. What's more important is that I don't have to. I told them let's take a break, it's for the better, and left them to their shrinks.

OP, you're young (and Brighty, you're only a 19 y.o) and have only dated this chick for a month (shouldn't even be in a serious relationship at this point). This isn't your wife of 10 years that you should stick by.

Get out now.