The Lesson

FreeMan1971 · 04-24-2009, 12:46 PM

I, FreeMan1971, am an rAFC when it comes to LTRs.

I am a strong successful man. I enjoy being single. I enjoy my life. I have failed more often than most when it comes to dating but I have learned my lessons, taken my lumps, and am better as a result. I could stand to be more rigid when it comes to my non-negotiables: I have struggled with the 'so-close' woman, letting her in and it biting me in the azz.

I struggle with learning my lessons in LTRs. I must, however, because I am getting similar results. My last two ended in similar ways: silent treatments, loss of IL, an explosion of IL and then LBJF. The pattern I find disturbing.

My marriage: I recall our wedding reception. She told family and friends that we were moving back to Ohio. We had never discussed it. Four months later, after the silent treatment, I get a burst of attention and sex like we used to have. She writes me some five page love letter and a week later disappears with my kid. Took me three months to find them, she sets me up to get jumped during my first visit but I evade. Divorce.

Took a five year hiatus from LTRs. Enjoyed life, being single, and accomplishing lots of goals from my 'bucket list.' Meet a woman with almost all of my qualifications. Where I screwed up this one, in retrospect:

1. Didn't control the pace. Moved too fast. When her lease was up, I of course, asked her to move in.
2. Showed stress. When she started disrespecting me in response, I walked out. I let her walk back in with gibberish where an apology at the least should've been.
3. Treated her mother poorly. Discounted it.
4. Had very shallow friendships. Rationalized it.
5. When our sex life slowed, I was direct about my discontent. Typical AFC 'verbal communication solves everything' error. Played the waiting game when I got no response.
6. Addressed every instance of disrespect and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate it. Did not see the forest for the trees, that she would continue the attempts just in new ways. Jumped through hoops enforcing my own damned boundaries.

etc...
What disturbs me is this: Deteriorating loss of IL. Silent treatment. Talking of marriage wanting to name first kid after herself. Burst of IL for a week. Then 'See Ya!' on her part. Same Pattern!

I am stronger and more confident every day. I grow. I value myself. I treat myself right. I just think that there is another lesson that I have yet to learn, but I can't put my finger on it.

Rollo Tomassi · 04-24-2009, 12:59 PM

Put an age on your profile, or this thread will be moved.

piranha45 · 04-24-2009, 01:00 PM

this is kind of redundant since the thread is right next to yours, but for your convenience
http://novaresources.blogspot.com/20...an-mating.html

FreeMan1971 · 04-24-2009, 01:12 PM

Oh yes.
It is society's fault.
It is a bad woman's fault.
It is the feminist's fault.

Great. Got it. The novaresources article isn't saying anything new.
I choose to remain in this messed up society. I love it despite the flaws.

I want success not someone or something to blame when I fail.
I can only take responsibility for myself.

decades · 04-24-2009, 01:20 PM

it seems like you are being really hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you ended up with relationship "challenged" women. Perhaps you are somewhat needy for long term companionship? For example, would you be perfectly OK with You if you never again have a LTR? could you be perfectly happy with that outcome and make the most of it? Work on establishing strong boundaries. Your weak boundaries kept you in bad situations for too long.

FreeMan1971 · 04-24-2009, 02:55 PM

Yeah, PE.
I tried to hammer a square peg into a round hole in my last LTR.
My ex-wife ended up going to jail for a while for child endangerment last year. I think I tried to make that last LTR work when I should have walked because I was wanted someone to help with my daughter and was afraid that I couldn't do it on my own.

samspade · 04-24-2009, 04:05 PM

With your ex-wife, it sounds like a good thing (overall) that it didn't "last." I hope your kid is okay. There probably was nothing you could have done to sustain that relationship.

Otherwise, you seem to know where you are screwing up. You are just having a hard time executing behavioral changes when you're in the actual situation. Obviously a common affliction.

Your best bet is to err on the side of patience and calmness. When something isn't going your way, take a walk and think about it before calling out your girlfriend on her b.s. Think about whether it's better to say something or use action. When you start thinking "I could marry this girl and have kids with her," say it to your best buddies and see what THEY say. Don't say it to her. Be quiet and keep your perspective. When she starts talking about moving in and getting married, then you can open your mouth.

04-24-2009, 12:46 PM	#1
FreeMan1971 Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2009 Age: 41 Posts: 12	The Lesson I, FreeMan1971, am an rAFC when it comes to LTRs. I am a strong successful man. I enjoy being single. I enjoy my life. I have failed more often than most when it comes to dating but I have learned my lessons, taken my lumps, and am better as a result. I could stand to be more rigid when it comes to my non-negotiables: I have struggled with the 'so-close' woman, letting her in and it biting me in the azz. I struggle with learning my lessons in LTRs. I must, however, because I am getting similar results. My last two ended in similar ways: silent treatments, loss of IL, an explosion of IL and then LBJF. The pattern I find disturbing. My marriage: I recall our wedding reception. She told family and friends that we were moving back to Ohio. We had never discussed it. Four months later, after the silent treatment, I get a burst of attention and sex like we used to have. She writes me some five page love letter and a week later disappears with my kid. Took me three months to find them, she sets me up to get jumped during my first visit but I evade. Divorce. Took a five year hiatus from LTRs. Enjoyed life, being single, and accomplishing lots of goals from my 'bucket list.' Meet a woman with almost all of my qualifications. Where I screwed up this one, in retrospect: 1. Didn't control the pace. Moved too fast. When her lease was up, I of course, asked her to move in. 2. Showed stress. When she started disrespecting me in response, I walked out. I let her walk back in with gibberish where an apology at the least should've been. 3. Treated her mother poorly. Discounted it. 4. Had very shallow friendships. Rationalized it. 5. When our sex life slowed, I was direct about my discontent. Typical AFC 'verbal communication solves everything' error. Played the waiting game when I got no response. 6. Addressed every instance of disrespect and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate it. Did not see the forest for the trees, that she would continue the attempts just in new ways. Jumped through hoops enforcing my own damned boundaries. etc... What disturbs me is this: Deteriorating loss of IL. Silent treatment. Talking of marriage wanting to name first kid after herself. Burst of IL for a week. Then 'See Ya!' on her part. Same Pattern! I am stronger and more confident every day. I grow. I value myself. I treat myself right. I just think that there is another lesson that I have yet to learn, but I can't put my finger on it.

04-24-2009, 12:59 PM	#2
Rollo Tomassi Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 45 Posts: 5,319	Put an age on your profile, or this thread will be moved. __________________ The Rational Male

04-24-2009, 04:05 PM	#7
samspade Master Don Juan Join Date: Jan 2008 Age: 37 Posts: 2,294	With your ex-wife, it sounds like a good thing (overall) that it didn't "last." I hope your kid is okay. There probably was nothing you could have done to sustain that relationship. Otherwise, you seem to know where you are screwing up. You are just having a hard time executing behavioral changes when you're in the actual situation. Obviously a common affliction. Your best bet is to err on the side of patience and calmness. When something isn't going your way, take a walk and think about it before calling out your girlfriend on her b.s. Think about whether it's better to say something or use action. When you start thinking "I could marry this girl and have kids with her," say it to your best buddies and see what THEY say. Don't say it to her. Be quiet and keep your perspective. When she starts talking about moving in and getting married, then you can open your mouth. __________________ http://theuniversalmale.wordpress.com/

04-24-2009, 01:12 PM	#4
FreeMan1971 Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2009 Age: 41 Posts: 12	Oh yes. It is society's fault. It is a bad woman's fault. It is the feminist's fault. Great. Got it. The novaresources article isn't saying anything new. I choose to remain in this messed up society. I love it despite the flaws. I want success not someone or something to blame when I fail. I can only take responsibility for myself.

04-24-2009, 01:20 PM	#5
decades Master Don Juan Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: sf ca Posts: 1,236	it seems like you are being really hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you ended up with relationship "challenged" women. Perhaps you are somewhat needy for long term companionship? For example, would you be perfectly OK with You if you never again have a LTR? could you be perfectly happy with that outcome and make the most of it? Work on establishing strong boundaries. Your weak boundaries kept you in bad situations for too long.

04-24-2009, 02:55 PM	#6
FreeMan1971 Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2009 Age: 41 Posts: 12	Yeah, PE. I tried to hammer a square peg into a round hole in my last LTR. My ex-wife ended up going to jail for a while for child endangerment last year. I think I tried to make that last LTR work when I should have walked because I was wanted someone to help with my daughter and was afraid that I couldn't do it on my own.