URGENT!!! HELP!!-Making them feel special or treat them bad?

surfdog · Oct 15, 2008

I have a date coming up this weekend I am looking for a LTR with this girl, so obviously I want to keep her interest levels high and I want her to have to work hard for me, at the same time I want her to know that I am different to other guys that she's dated (AFCs that takes her to boring dates like dinner and movies everytime, and buying affection with a sh*t load of cash from their parents)

Just wondering what you DJs here think whether it is better to make a girl feel special like "I've never done anything liek this for a girl before, so you should consider yourself lucky!"

or say "Yeah I do this for most of the girls I dated, so you are nothing special and you have to work to prove to me that you are different to other girls" kind of thing?

I planned on on making it memorable-amusement park, dinner, quite place with an amazing view(kinda like one of those cliff overlooking the city kind of thing in the movies haha) and by doing things like making the waiters sing happy bday to her infront of everyone, this will embarrass her but in a good way haha, while showing her that I am interesting and fun to be with and different from the AFCs that she dated before.

So yeah which approach should I take?

abcd_z · Oct 15, 2008

Here's a better question: Why are you putting all this time and effort into this date? I know I've said it before, but for every date you go on before sleeping with a woman, (and most of them afterwards), you don't want to put out that much energy. In fact, it shouldn't even be a formal thing at all, more of a "hey, I'm doing such and such, you should tag along, it'll be fun".

Second, you NEVER want to have plans for an LTR this early in the relationship. That will make you needy and unable to cut it off if she fails to pass your screening. You *are* screening her for an LTR, right? Because if she doesn't have every, and I mean EVERY single quality that you want in a woman, and you get stuck in a LTR, you will be miserable. And if you couldn't cut it off before it got serious, you won't be able to cut it off later on down the road.

Also, don't assume that just because she's a woman who'll sleep with you (or, in this case, shows some interest in you), that she's your perfect woman. Simpy put, there is NO WAY for you to gauge all her qualities before about 3 months. Your brain chemicals will interfere and give you false signals. "She's the one!" "Go for it now!" "Don't wait, don't let her get away!"

Don't fall for it, it's a trap.

As for the original question: don't do either. Don't do any of the stuff you'd planned, so that you will actually be congruent with "it's no big thing," which is the attitude you need.

Also, don't have them sing to her. If it's not her birthday, it'll just be embarassing to her. Not really something you want associated with yourself.

Rounder · Oct 15, 2008

You are trying WAYYY too hard. You are 18. FREAKING 18 MAN!!

Play the field, go out with lots of women while you have the chance, do NOT pass up that opportunity.

Pay close attention to what I'm about to say - let me say that again - Pay close attention to what I'm about to say - don't "plan" a LTR with anyone.

Many guys have this problem of not listening to people who are older, have experiences and can tell them about some seriously huge mistakes.

You are about to make a huge mistake - you know I'm right, you can feel it, you are sitting there telling yourself you aren't and that I don't know what I'm talking about - but I do. Be honest with yourself.

You don't "need" a LTR to be happy. Be happy with yourself first - become attractive to women because of the man you are and will become.

Invest in yourself, better yourself, get in school, push yourself, work hard at being better in every aspect of your life.

You are 18 - your entire life is ahead of you, you have the chance right now to grab it by the balls and to make it what you want - DO NOT PASS UP THIS OPPORTUNITY!

The choice is yours - your post is screaming for help and not for date ideas.

DonGorgon · Oct 15, 2008

Do both... be unpredictable.

Alle_Gory · Oct 15, 2008

Make it a roller coaster ride of emotions and events.

OMG, does he like me?
He likes me!
Does he?
Yes!
No!

etc...

You have to time things. Make it appropriate. e.g. You don't do something special when she does something that may be disrespectful.

Miguel · Oct 15, 2008

Man, this is the attitude you should adopt in both life and PUA. Watch this guy, hee's got it down. (Watch Cajun.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCja8Alj488

surfdog · Oct 15, 2008

abcd_z said:
Here's a better question: Why are you putting all this time and effort into this date? I know I've said it before, but for every date you go on before sleeping with a woman, (and most of them afterwards), you don't want to put out that much energy. In fact, it shouldn't even be a formal thing at all, more of a "hey, I'm doing such and such, you should tag along, it'll be fun".

Second, you NEVER want to have plans for an LTR this early in the relationship. That will make you needy and unable to cut it off if she fails to pass your screening. You *are* screening her for an LTR, right? Because if she doesn't have every, and I mean EVERY single quality that you want in a woman, and you get stuck in a LTR, you will be miserable. And if you couldn't cut it off before it got serious, you won't be able to cut it off later on down the road.

Also, don't assume that just because she's a woman who'll sleep with you (or, in this case, shows some interest in you), that she's your perfect woman. Simpy put, there is NO WAY for you to gauge all her qualities before about 3 months. Your brain chemicals will interfere and give you false signals. "She's the one!" "Go for it now!" "Don't wait, don't let her get away!"

Don't fall for it, it's a trap.

As for the original question: don't do either. Don't do any of the stuff you'd planned, so that you will actually be congruent with "it's no big thing," which is the attitude you need.

Also, don't have them sing to her. If it's not her birthday, it'll just be embarassing to her. Not really something you want associated with yourself.

Well I've been with this girl for about 3 or 4 months now, I have done all the screening while spinning other plates and I am happy when I'm with her so I am hoping to make it long term.

No she does not have EVERY single quality I wanted in a woman, infact I don't think there is one woman out there that possesses all the qualities I want, does that mean I shouldn't persue a long term relationship then? That I shouldn't try and keep the girl that I like?

I like this girl alot, but I am not 'crazy' about her and I can definitely cut it off and walk away in the future if I want to.

and yeah it is her birthday haha, and yeah I plan to embarrass her but in a good way you know..:rock:

But yeah I still appreciate your advice because you DO have a very valid argument, it's just not applicable in my situation. I should have given more info sorry guys!

surfdog · Oct 15, 2008

Rounder said:
You are trying WAYYY too hard. You are 18. FREAKING 18 MAN!!

Play the field, go out with lots of women while you have the chance, do NOT pass up that opportunity.

Pay close attention to what I'm about to say - let me say that again - Pay close attention to what I'm about to say - don't "plan" a LTR with anyone.

Many guys have this problem of not listening to people who are older, have experiences and can tell them about some seriously huge mistakes.

You are about to make a huge mistake - you know I'm right, you can feel it, you are sitting there telling yourself you aren't and that I don't know what I'm talking about - but I do. Be honest with yourself.

You don't "need" a LTR to be happy. Be happy with yourself first - become attractive to women because of the man you are and will become.

Invest in yourself, better yourself, get in school, push yourself, work hard at being better in every aspect of your life.

You are 18 - your entire life is ahead of you, you have the chance right now to grab it by the balls and to make it what you want - DO NOT PASS UP THIS OPPORTUNITY!

The choice is yours - your post is screaming for help and not for date ideas.

Hi Rounder,

I can see where you're coming from, it is just I've been playing the field since I was 16 and I have satisfied most of my physical needs just not the emotional ones. I just want to have a girl that I can rely on, that I can tell stuff to and that I can always call when I need a quickie

What you are saying is very true, and I appreciate the advice you've given me on living life, I will keep them in mind.

I don't think I am making a mistake, I like the girl, she likes me, we like being with each other..why is making it long term a problem?

But if I AM making mistake, I am 18, maybe I SHOULD BE making a mistake? Experience is the best teacher right? I'll know what to do next time.

Anyway I think some of the guys here need to start reading the posts more carefully... I wasn't asking for date ideas, that stuff is for people in the HS forums.
What I was asking is that whether I should make her feel more special to show that I am different from the others that she went out with and she made the right choice being with me

or make her feel like she needs to work harder in order to show that SHE is different from other girls that I COULD be dating!

abcd_z · Oct 17, 2008

surfdog said:
Well I've been with this girl for about 3 or 4 months now, I have done all the screening while spinning other plates and I am happy when I'm with her so I am hoping to make it long term.

No she does not have EVERY single quality I wanted in a woman, infact I don't think there is one woman out there that possesses all the qualities I want, does that mean I shouldn't persue a long term relationship then? That I shouldn't try and keep the girl that I like?

I like this girl alot, but I am not 'crazy' about her and I can definitely cut it off and walk away in the future if I want to.

and yeah it is her birthday haha, and yeah I plan to embarrass her but in a good way you know..:rock:

But yeah I still appreciate your advice because you DO have a very valid argument, it's just not applicable in my situation. I should have given more info sorry guys!

Fair enough. In that case, what you're worrying about is balancing attainability with qualification. You want her to feel good about herself, that she has good things to offer you, and that you appreciate her for those things (qualification), but you don't want her to feel like there's no challenge, that she's got you and she couldn't possibly lose you (attainability).

Unfortunately, there's no correct answer. If she's giving you grief for no good reason, lower your attainability. If she feels like she can't possibly have you, qualify her. Anything between those extremes should be okay, so it's really a matter of what you're comfortable and what works best in whatever the situation is.

No real hard-and-fast rules, just something you get a feel for after a while.

surfdog · Oct 17, 2008

abcd_z said:
Fair enough. In that case, what you're worrying about is balancing attainability with qualification. You want her to feel good about herself, that she has good things to offer you, and that you appreciate her for those things (qualification), but you don't want her to feel like there's no challenge, that she's got you and she couldn't possibly lose you (attainability).

Unfortunately, there's no correct answer. If she's giving you grief for no good reason, lower your attainability. If she feels like she can't possibly have you, qualify her. Anything between those extremes should be okay, so it's really a matter of what you're comfortable and what works best in whatever the situation is.

No real hard-and-fast rules, just something you get a feel for after a while.

Thank you thank you thank you:rock:

Rounder · Oct 17, 2008

surfdog said:
I don't think I am making a mistake, I like the girl, she likes me, we like being with each other..why is making it long term a problem?

Because when it comes to "matters of the heart" it is nearly impossible to tell someone what to do. People do what their heart tells them to do, they let their heart lead them rather than using some simple common sense as well - or listening to their friends and family.

All I'm saying - you're 18 - don't become overly involved with her. It's easy to get so involved and then you feel like you can't get out. You'll wake up in 4 years and still be with her, feel "obligated" to marry her - because while she might not be everything you want, she will be close enough (or that's what you'll tell yourself because you don't know any different). You won't want to "get out" because then you won't have a girl.

So you've played the field since you're 16 - that's 2 years - and it's the 2 years when people are just starting to date and find their way in life. Those 2 years are almost meaningless.

You're 18. Make yourself your priority. Do not sacrifice anything for a girl. Easy to get into a LTR and you pass up opportunities because you "love her". It happens all the time. You can tell yourself YOU won't do that, but unless you are very good at keeping yourself in check, it will.

For some people, many people, learning the hard way is best - but it sure isn't the easiest. If I could have 16 years of my life back and had really listened to someone telling me these things and taken them to heart, my life would have turned out very different.

We all speak from experience, what has happened to us and it shifts our view on the world and relationships. I am speaking from my experience but I'm also speaking from a point where I've seen so many other guys go through similar experiences.

Lastly, this might sound odd, but make sure you're making some good guy friends - having an intelligent male friend who you are very close to and can bounce ideas and thoughts off of is invaluable.

The girl - date her, spend time with her, get close to her, even be "exclusive" with her if you want, but keep yourself as the priority. Do not let her impose her will on the things you do or don't do. You are way too young for that. And she won't do that for some time - right now everything is all sugar coated and it's the "puppy love" stage - everything seems great. After a while though, 6 to 8 months, things start to change.

Best of luck.

abcd_z · Oct 17, 2008

Rounder said:
Really good advice

Quoted For Truth

trd323 · Oct 17, 2008

Bro, If you like her treat her how you would treat your dream girl. LOVE is not difficult.

Every LTR i have been with I have treated like wht the site considers "AFC", but not first qualifying her. If you guys like each other a lot then say it. YOU should never be with someone that you have to change for because you are perfect the way you are.

Love is not a script. it is spontaneous. When you feel like you dont want to be with anyone else and she makes you laugh and become a better man then it is worth pursuing.

LOVE OPENLY

surfdog · Oct 17, 2008

Rounder said:
Because when it comes to "matters of the heart" it is nearly impossible to tell someone what to do. People do what their heart tells them to do, they let their heart lead them rather than using some simple common sense as well - or listening to their friends and family.

All I'm saying - you're 18 - don't become overly involved with her. It's easy to get so involved and then you feel like you can't get out. You'll wake up in 4 years and still be with her, feel "obligated" to marry her - because while she might not be everything you want, she will be close enough (or that's what you'll tell yourself because you don't know any different). You won't want to "get out" because then you won't have a girl.

So you've played the field since you're 16 - that's 2 years - and it's the 2 years when people are just starting to date and find their way in life. Those 2 years are almost meaningless.

You're 18. Make yourself your priority. Do not sacrifice anything for a girl. Easy to get into a LTR and you pass up opportunities because you "love her". It happens all the time. You can tell yourself YOU won't do that, but unless you are very good at keeping yourself in check, it will.

For some people, many people, learning the hard way is best - but it sure isn't the easiest. If I could have 16 years of my life back and had really listened to someone telling me these things and taken them to heart, my life would have turned out very different.

We all speak from experience, what has happened to us and it shifts our view on the world and relationships. I am speaking from my experience but I'm also speaking from a point where I've seen so many other guys go through similar experiences.

Lastly, this might sound odd, but make sure you're making some good guy friends - having an intelligent male friend who you are very close to and can bounce ideas and thoughts off of is invaluable.

The girl - date her, spend time with her, get close to her, even be "exclusive" with her if you want, but keep yourself as the priority. Do not let her impose her will on the things you do or don't do. You are way too young for that. And she won't do that for some time - right now everything is all sugar coated and it's the "puppy love" stage - everything seems great. After a while though, 6 to 8 months, things start to change.

Best of luck.

I started this thread with a simple question in mind, I never knew that I was going to get insightful advices like these on life!

Thanks Rounder, I am pretty sure what you've said here will somehow change my life in the future, I'll keep them in mind

Thanks alot!

URGENT!!! HELP!!-Making them feel special or treat them bad?

surfdog

Don Juan

abcd_z

Senior Don Juan

Rounder

Senior Don Juan

DonGorgon

Master Don Juan

Alle_Gory

Master Don Juan

Miguel

Don Juan

surfdog

Don Juan

surfdog

Don Juan

abcd_z

Senior Don Juan

surfdog

Don Juan

Rounder

Senior Don Juan

abcd_z

Senior Don Juan

trd323

Senior Don Juan

surfdog

Don Juan