Divorced Men: Give Your Advice.

This is a bit of a spin-off from my other thread, but I'd like to get some input here and have it printed off to give to my relative who's in the process of getting seperated and eventually divorced.

To those who have previously been divorced, what advice would you give to another man who's currently going through what you went through? What mistakes did you make? How would you correct those mistakes if you could? How would you split assets? When should you move out? How did you handle the children (if any)? Did you stop your income from going into a joint account?

Your input and answers to all these questions would be much appreciated.

My biggest mistake was going AFC and literally begging my wife not to divorce me, which only made her want to do it more. If I had taken a lesson from her, and gotten my needs filled elsewhere when she neglected me, I would probably still be married. We remained friends, because she never quit calling me, even after I told her to stop several times and never once called her. Now, after I have had several new GFs, which I should have been doing when she first started cheating on me, she wants me back, but I am not in a hurry to go back to a woman who gained 100 pounds off antidepressants, cheated on me, and divorced me. The first two I actually forgave, but it got me nowhere.

What helped me, and I think would help a lot of guys, is to not make it World War III. Swallow your pride and sweet-talk the b!tch. Words mean nothing except for the actions they elicit. She loved you enough to marry you, there are still a few buttons left deep down that you can push to get yourself out of the divorce intact - guilt, love, parenthood, whatever. Lawyers are trained to fight, so all of them are against you if you don't want a giant battle - they get paid to fight, but that costs you money. Like Danny DeVito's character said in the movie War of the Roses, "There is no winning; there are only degrees of losing." I think in a fight you can only lose, you win by not fighting that fight.

The easiest way, what my father did, twice, and I did once is to give her whatever she wants and move on. If you want to battle for kids and property, you will turn yourself into a major frustrated broke chump.

The only way to handle it is the DJ way as far as I'm concerned.

1. Be a stand-up guy by making it as simple and reasonable as possible
2. Dont be petty
3. Dont be cheap
4. Set your feelings and grudges aside
5. If you have kids, never say anything bad about the other parent - this creates low self esteem and other problems for the kids.
6. Dont envolve lawyers if possible - only to handle the forms, etc.
7. Go to the divorce parenting classes. mandatory in my state.
8. Involve the kids in some of the decision making if they are old enough
9. Read the last chapter of my book - "Befriend in the end"
10. Get laid ASAP - it will help you deal and transition you into your new life.
11. Join SOSUAVE and share the wisdom you have gained from the experience.

The book is free if you'd like to pass it on to your friend.

i think the best advise is not to be the one that walks away.
let the other person move out and leave.
keep the kids in the home.
go to church.
go to therapy.
be the first one to file all the paperwork.

whomever stays, gets the most respect in the eyes of the court.

penkitten said:

i think the best advise is not to be the one that walks away.
let the other person move out and leave.
keep the kids in the home.
go to church.
go to therapy.
be the first one to file all the paperwork.

whomever stays, gets the most respect in the eyes of the court.

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Why Henkitten, I did'nt realize you were a divorced man. That explains alot

My advice is to make sure you don't get crushed financially while you are going through an emotional crushing. The emotional pain will subside(hopefully) in a shorter time than the financil pain.


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Dongfu said:

Why Henkitten, I did'nt realize you were a divorced man. That explains alot

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who are you calling a hen?
and i was divorced, and i know divorced men, and im pretty sure that advice is good stuff, so why not?

Since I am a 2 time divorced man I do have some experience.

But, every situation is different. I’ll try to touch on some universals.

1) Set up a separate bank account as quickly as you can. No one divorces without huge problems long before the divorce process begins. So, the sooner the better.
2) Before the actual separation it will pay you HUGELY to get a separation agreement hammered out between the two of you. Even if it is agony, it is much cheaper this way. If you want to pay $300 and hour to let somebody else do it, go right ahead.
3) You and her do as much as humanly possible to nail down the details of the separation including property, insurance, taxes, cars, and, of course, THE HOUSE.
4) Kids: Unless your spouse is a druggie loser (my second was) you may very well have your ass handed to you in court if you fight for custody. Although it is changing, men still lose horrifically overall. Your costs here if you fight are for witnesses, sworn testimony, etc etc. All extremely expensive. And then…you lose.
5) Red flags!! Not the SoSuave type, I’m talking the your ass being barbequed on a grill type. If you make all the money, be ready to pay. The longer you were married, the MORE you pay. The more kids, the MORE you pay. The less capable she appears, the MORE you pay.
6) DO NOT EVER NEVER EVER NEVER leave the premises without a separation agreement or you could get hit with abandonment charges.
7) You must conduct yourself in a presidential manner. Be aware that every word, action, deed, behavior, can and will be used against you in court. Once you separate, and until you divorce, your behavior can still cost you money if you do not conduct yourself in an “upstanding” manner.
8) Immediately after divorce/separation your head is fvcked up for a while. Your focus should be on YOU not pvssy. Pvssy will fvck you over. You will be weak and desperate until you get your sh*t together; like a bowling pin set up for the first ho to knock down.
9) Unless you get your sh*t together to be a man you will become, as I did for a while, the oneitis king. Fixating on one chick after the other endlessly pining for them and wasting your valuable time.
10) Plan plan plan. Failure to plan is planning to fail.
11) You can be diplomatic, but don’t be nice and generous. Remember, whatever you agree to will likely be increased in the future.

I would say this:

If it is over, do what you have/ are required to do as quickly as possible. Get on with your life and don't waste time looking back or thinking about what if.... Life is too short to waste another minute worrying about some woman that you will never be with again. There is a reason why the two of you are splitting up. You can decide it is for the best and better yourself and move on. Or you can do what I did which is to sit around and waste 2 years of your life, realize she aint coming back, and then better yourself and move on (see I just saved you 2 years).

grinder said:

Since I am a 2 time divorced man I do have some experience.

But, every situation is different. I’ll try to touch on some universals.
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Most excellent post!

I'll add something that dovetails off #8 and 9. Don't believe the BS that time heals all wounds, time without action is worthless. A guy needs to deal with the situation and like Grinder said, women ain't the way to do it.

A guy needs to sit down and give the relationship an autopsy. Comb through every detail of what worked and what didn't while considering what could have been done sooner to deal with the problems which caused the divorCe.

This is in no way meant to place any blame but it is to recognize all of the gritty, nasty, grimy crap, accept what happened and to learn from it. That's the crap that so many guys get hung up on and wallow in hoping that time alone will somehow make them forget it all. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

When a guy can come to grips with it all and let any emotions completely wash over him, he can work on moving forward with less weight on his shoulders slowing his momentum. A divorce is a great time to work redesigning yourself and installing a few upgrades. Once the new version is solid, you can release Version 2.0 (or 3.0 Grinder) and begin interfacing with other women.

1. Hire the best "family law" attorney you can afford. Tomorrow. Do what he says.

2. Although what Frank of Anconia says above will be correct in a couple or three months (or maybe longer), navel gazing and ruminating over "what went wrong" is no good just yet. Your brain doesn't think right so soon after the big event. Wait a bit for the post-mortem. You will see things differently in a while. Conclusions you reach today are not to be trusted.

3. As someone wrote above, be on your BEST behavior. Don't go out and get drunk in public. Don't be seen out cavorting with skanks. On the other hand, I differ with the above poster who advised avoiding all women. I think that if you've got some booty to call, then CALL it. Just stay indoors, preferably HER place. And don't get in a "relationship," for god's sake. F*cking only.

4.Don't move out of the house (as advised above), don't argue, don't "discuss," don't make ANY "deals" with her, don't agree to ANYTHING. Don't b*tch her out, don't accuse her of anything. Don't TALK to her at all, unless it's directly about a significant issue about the kids that CANNOT wait (like an EMERGENCY.) DON'T SHOW ANY OF YOUR CARDS. Let the lawyer handle how all that stuff is used revealed, used, whatever.

5. No messages on answering machines or voice mail. AT ALL. NO TEXTS (EVER) and ignore her texts. AVOID PHONE CONVERSATIONS. AVOID ANY CONVERSATIONS. If you MUST speak on the phone or in person, speak as if EVERY word is being recorded --- because it MIGHT BE.

5. Be nice to your kids, and be careful what you say within earshot of them. Don't bash the b*tch when they might hear you.

6. Prepare for the worst in spite of doing all the right things, and doing your best.

7. Keep your wits about you at work. Don't let this mess up your career. Be sharper than EVER.

8. KEEP your eyes open for other trouble in your life. The distraction of all this can open the door for OTHER bad things to happen. Sounds weird, but it's true.

9. Use your resources. Family above all. You don't want to be a crybaby, but your parents, if alive, may be a significant help and sounding board. Sibs, too. Don't trust ANYONE else with sensitive stuff. (Except the lifelong friend.)

!0. DON'T expect fairness or justice from the family law machine. You will get neither.



----Best of luck.
----The above comes from my experience as well as the experiences of my close friends

Good advice thus far. Anything I add would be redundant at this point.

Main thing: keep that ego locked up cause it will really cause more pain and sorrow than you ever could imagine. Especially with children in the picture.

On the flipside, always be on your guard and assume the worst. Don't get blindsided. Of course, there is much we don't know about this situation.

He definitely needs to educate himself in the whole process or divorce and separation. He needs to acquaint himself with the laws of his state and walk into this period of his life with open eyes.

Marriage is a legal business contract that you enter into with a woman that gives you the obligations to be with this person until "death do you part."

I never understood why anybody had to or would do something like this, you grow tired of people, people grow tired of you, things happen that causes break-ups, etc.

Call me crazy, but what's wrong with just staying boyfriend and girlfriend? Tax-wise you can obtain some breaks by marrying, but why else? To make it official?

I think if you and your girl truly love each other, you are already married, the wedding, the contracts, the law, and the rest of all that other stuff just shouldn't be involved.

For this reason I will never truly "get married" under the law, but will I settle down with one woman eventually, probably.

For the OP, it's basically too late if you didn't get a pre-nup to protect some of your assets I believe but I'm not a Divorce Attorney, I suggest you research it.

Yeah, NOW I think you are right, Gerard. But too late for me.

I'd be happy to make some promises to a woman, maybe even in a church.

But I'll NEVER get the state involved in my relationships with women EVER again.

I was fortunate in my divorce. It was completely amicable and we both realized we were leading seperate paths in life. She wanted the house, I wanted cash. She got the house and I emptied out 9 years of her 401K.

Fair enough.

We were both mature enough to know what we would be willing to sacrifice and what we held dear, so we compromised.

We did not go through attorneys but settled and divorced through a paralegal which was of minimal cost and time.

I know I'm the exception to the rule but this is what happens when you respect your own boundaries and know what you will and will not accept into your life.

Des,

This brother cannot afford to waste time or energy regretting what happened. He needs to see it for what it is and do what he can to soldify his future and that of his children. She can blow the wind for all that matters.

One question. What rights do single fathers have? Would you have any rights to your children if you split after a few years?

I would have no problem exchanging vows, I just dont know if I am keen to involve the state in my marriage one day. If you were to have children but never marry,then seperate, are you worse off then married men who divorce?

Agony it depends on the situation, typically they look at the financial stability, emotional stability, personal matters, and past history of both parents.

Majority of marriages are ending in divorce today because unlike years ago, people are more independent today and have way more options.

1.) There's more business owners today then ever before.
2.) Women have just as powerful positions today as men (aren't we about to have a woman President?)

Women no longer need to play housewife anymore while a big, strong guy goes out and provides for the family, those days are over. Today, women are just as strong mentally (and sometimes physically) as men.

Marriage today, to be successful, I think needs to be positioned as two independent people going in the same direction and helping the other get there. They help each other win and enjoy each other's successes together.

When marriage today becomes a one partner left behind while the other gets the glory, we are heading towards divorce court real soon.

I'm still confused on why a guy would seriously want to get married, sign a contract with the state, and make vows to a woman claiming "forever love"? Most of the couples have only been dating for under a year, but they already know each other?

Marriage today is doing nothing but increasing and maintaining a Divorce Attorney's Salary.

I truly believe that ALL men must get married one time in order to skeet it out of our systems. Forever bachelors are looked at with contempt and hushed ridicule as they are seen as commitment-phobes. I think it also helps to reshape a man's perspective as a coupled brother and not a single crazy creep.

I'm sure I'll catch a ton of sh!t for this but nonetheless you guys know it's true.

penkitten said:

who are you calling a hen?
and i was divorced, and i know divorced men, and im pretty sure that advice is good stuff, so why not?

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Hey now, I'm just playin. In a funny mood today is all.

KarmaSutra said:

I truly believe that ALL men must get married one time in order to skeet it out of our systems. ...

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Kinda like doing a chubby chick... :crackup: