Stick at it or give up?

I'm a married guy, happy in all areas except the sack. The Mrs. is just too reserved for me. I don't want out, have kids etc.. A few years ago a younger married woman, familiar with my marriage, approached me with the offer of an affair. Her husband had no sex drive and she figured we could solve each other's problem. What followed was 3 years of wild, sweaty monkey sex once a week. No pressure, no hassle, it was perfect with the exception of 3 times over the years that she pushed for more because things were extra bad at home, I would bail until she cooled off again and we'd just pick up where we left off. Overall though it was amazing, and there were a few times when things were really bad at home, this lady's attentions and friendship allowed me to tough it out. Now things are better, thanks partly to her.

A few months back I got busy with work and couldn't make my weekly sessions for a while. Last month my friend told me she had lost her connection with me because I had "squeezed her out of my life too much" and that we couldn't sleep together anymore. She also said she was leaving her husband.

I was shocked. Didn't see it coming. Worse, this lady and I were good friends. We talked each other through issues with our spouses and kids etc. Despite her age, she was very wise, not an airhead like a lot of young women. She was my best bud, that I just happened to sleep with once a week. What was weird was that she said she still wanted to keep that side of things up, wanted to hang out all the time talk personal stuff, just no more nookie.

I've no interest in being an emotional tampon and listening to her tell me about her new boyfriend so I said "no thanks, it was great while it lasted, call me if you change your mind." She was pretty upset, cried and asked me to change my mind. First time I ever ran into that.

Fast forward a month. Two weeks ago I'm jonesing for the quality sex, miss the friendship too, so I call her for a coffee. We go for a coffee and it's like old times. We're laughing, and having a great time. Then she brings up the relationship, tells me she missed me, misses the physical stuff, can't eat, can't sleep, is basically falling apart at the seams. The answer seems simple to me "so let's start fresh" I say "stay with your husband, and let me fill that aching void in your life" (ok I didn't say it exactly that way but c'mon it's funny).

Anyway she flips out, starts giving me hell, says I should have been more consistent with my attention, that I "misbehaved". Anyway, this pissed me off, I thought it was very disrespectful. I was also embarrassed at misreading what seemed like pretty damned obvious signals and once again I said this isn't for me. We haven't spoken since.

Now I'm just trying to sort through this and wish I'd never met her. I've no intention of leaving my wife, but I'm really struggling with losing the great sex and the friendship at the same time. The problem is that I have no respect for emotional tampons, and don't want to be a pathetic approval-seeker. I'd like to be friends with her but just being around her makes my **** twitch, so that's gonna be tough. I could work the platonic but unavailable friend angle to try and rebuild attraction (Tao of Steve, love it but am trying to decide if I want to put myself through that.

I was going to take another month breather and try to approach her again. I'm just trying to sort out my feelings from my ego and whether or not I should tough it out and see if I can re-spark or get away while the getting is good.

My friends all say to run like hell 'cuz she's going through some sort of meltdown and could take me down with her. The problem with friends is that sometimes their affection for you colors their advice. So I found this site and figured I'd give it a try.

Any thoughts?

DANGER! WARNING- WARNING - DANGER!

If you plan on staying happily married - RUN from this women. She has already ruined one marriage, prepare for yours to be the next one unless you make some good decisions.

Last month my friend told me she had lost her connection with me

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Whoah! How many people already know about your extramarital affairs!?

I think you suffer from "small town syndrome". It's getting pretty obvious that any time you call her, you are calling her for sex. I wouldn't try to annoy her anymore, or she'll see to it that it gets back to your wife. Surprising that it hasn't already.

Phyzzle said:

Whoah! How many people already know about your extramarital affairs!?

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Hmm...I guess I explained that poorly.

It's affair, singular. The only one in 20 years.

Only 3 people know, lifelong buddies that I've been to hell and back with all of whom have their own dirty laundry. We're first on each other's kidney donor lists if you know what I mean. Not worried about that part.

You've got a great handle on the situation. Props for going through the analyzing phase.

Here's what I believe you should do: Leave her forever.Have no resentment, or animosity towards her.

And find something that satisfies your mind, body, and spirit.

Going on with this is just going to be torture for the Hell of it.
You already know the answer deep inside. you just want to have someone convince you to do it.
You just need to find the real strength you have inside to let this woman go.

You are positive you will NOT leave your Wife.
The only option, at least the only Healthy option, is to let the other woman go, and stop being so selfish in the negative sens.
Let her find her own happiness.
And stop any cycle of Co Dependancy.

Would your children be proud of Dad if they knew what you were doing?
Is that the Father you really wanted to be?
Sure, things are bad at home, but you're a grown man, and you accept full responsibility for your actions and decision. Don';t you?

Don't you?

So why don't you act with Courage, and step aside and let this woman get over her failed marriage, and let go of the dream that you're going to save her and rescue her. Because we both know that you won't and likely, can't.
Let her heal, man. An dheal yourself too.

WIsh her well and bless her for the good she did for you.Sure, it was an affair.
That is something that you and she will carry in your conscience forever.

But maybe, you can move past that.

Bottom line, this woman cheated on her husband. I don't know if we can assume that she won't cheat on you if you ever drop the ball even once.
You are certainly not of the character to fix your marriage right now.
So do the most obvious thing, let her go.
You have a Oneitis for a mistress, and adulteress. A woman who is just recently split from her husband is on the rebound and feeling vulnerable.
Are you the Man, or a vulture? Sex, companionship, and intimacy are at stake. That's a tough deal to beat. But at what price?
The mistress ain't gonna give it up unless you leave wifey. She's got "conditions" now. What kind of relationship would the two of you have?
What about your kids?

How much is that sex, intimacy, and companionship worth to you?

Think about it, now....
Think real hard now....
Is it your gut talking? Or are you rationalziing now?
It's easier to rationalize our behavior, it doesn't hurt as much.
It's harder to act with Courage, and do the RIGHT thing.
Even if the right thing doesn't look like it benefits us, and is going to be emotionally painful as well.



Work on yourself.
Stimulate your mind. Be creative. man.
Find a hobby, man. Anything. You have to move on from this. IF you don't, your depression or resentment, guilt , shame, gulity conscience whatever..is going to start bubbling over. Next thing you know...

Blam! You open your big mouth and out comes a clue.
Your wife notices it and now her instincts kick in...and you're done.


Find something that can fulfill you other than sex. I mean, you sound like you're totally against trying to work on your marriage, IMHO. And you don't seem willing to approach the old lady for a reconciliation to get things physical again.

Again, I think you know the answer, you're probably trying to get some motivation or consensus.

Doing the right thing takes Courage.

Good luck.

my 2

You bastards! Saying exactly the same things as my friends

There's always the whole "a women never looks better than when she's showing you the door" thing too haha.

Yes, I know what I have to do. Truth be told, I actually miss having the friendship more than the wild monkey sex, must be getting old (I'm older than my profile states, wasn't comfortable with the identity clue).

Anyway, I know that I can't be friends with this lady because the tension is palpable and it will always screw me up. Never hurts to hear it confirmed by impartial 3rd parties.

Thanks for the fast responses guys.

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Sounds like you're pretty much on track. Your attitudes about the deal between the two of you and your "relationship" were RIGHT. Good boundaries. Nice work not knuckling under to her "friends" thing.

Let her go. Find another "back-door" girl. You'll be OK. Don't cave to "secondary" oneitis.
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why did you marry your wife if the sex sucked?

if the sex use to be good but sucked after you had kids, why didn't you work on your relationship and getting the sex back rather than going outside the marriage?

you ended it with this woman you were cheating on, then when you got horny you tried to start it up again, make up your mind.

all in all it sounds to me like you have no idea what you are doing with your life, and probably never did.

las vegas odds say 10:1 long shot that you make it to 50 without ruining your marriage and you relationship with your kids.

good luck though

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joekerrr---

Sex doesn't always stay the same throughout a marriage. Sometimes it gets boring, predictable and unexciting. (I was lucky in this regard, my ex was a FREAK, all the way 'till the end -- but she was also an unrepentant, cheating, crazy SLUT --> life is full of "trade-offs.")

But our OP is in a "typical" marriage. The early, frenetic, hot sex almost always fades. That's what he means. Some of this may indeed be HIS fault. It is important for a guy to be forceful in keeping the "hotness" level up in the sex department, but often, no matter how he tries, it just dwindles off to ------> "You do this to me... I do that to you.... bang.. bang... g'nite honey."


Anyway, I urge the OP to COMPLETELY eject from his little honey immediately and irreversibly.


Get a new one, dude.
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joekerr31 said:

why did you marry your wife if the sex sucked?

if the sex use to be good but sucked after you had kids, why didn't you work on your relationship and getting the sex back rather than going outside the marriage?

you ended it with this woman you were cheating on, then when you got horny you tried to start it up again, make up your mind.

all in all it sounds to me like you have no idea what you are doing with your life, and probably never did.

las vegas odds say 10:1 long shot that you make it to 50 without ruining your marriage and you relationship with your kids.

good luck though

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Please read messages thoroughly and ensure you comprehend them before responding. She ended it not me, and I'm struggling with the loss of the sex AND the loss of the friendship and forgoing the former to save the latter is an alternative I've been struggling with. It's all there in the message.

Your comments about sex and marriage speak to a complete and utter lack of experience.

As for your sweeping and totally asinine comment about my life direction again, that's not an issue I'm just pondering whether or not continue to try and fit this lady into my very good life. I suspect we're just from different socio-economic backgrounds and you can't grasp that it's possible to struggle with a relationship and still be successful in life. For successful people relationships are just a part of life not their entire life.

And the little passive/aggressive smiley at the end of your nasty little post isn't fooling anyone. You're a drag queen - go away, at least until you've finished menstruating.

Seriously this isn't a contest, it's just people looking for advice. Get over yourself. You're not really a "Master Don Juan" - just a guy who posts a lot.

As for the rest, the advice is appreciated, with perhaps the exception of grandma "do you, do you!?" haha. That was too much.

First off I've got no tolerance for *****y women, especially the ones masquerading as men. And passive/aggressive cowards are the worst. If anyone wants to have a discussion I'm a good listener and willing to offer friendly advice when asked, but for those of you who just want to lecture me don't bother. I'll just add you to my ignore list so you'll just be trying to impress each other with your wit.

Moving right along...

I'm probably not being fair, the married sex isn't actually that bad and truthfully really only pales in comparison to what I had with the Mistress who was a "no boundaries" kind of chick. I kept pushing her boundaries and she never once said "no way". That's pretty damn addictive and letting it go is tough.

She caught me during a tough time with the Mrs., in fact I passed on the original offer but then changed my mind later after a vicious row at home.

She really was an amazing friend too though. A couple times when I was considering leaving the Mrs., she talked me out of it, gave me advice on how to rectify things. It was the strangest relationship I've ever had with a woman, and believe me I've had plenty of relationships to compare to.

So now I admit I'm struggling, but things are pretty good in the bedroom at home, I can be content with my memories of threesomes, gasoline-powered sex toys and the occasional one-legged hooker in the mix.

And again, as anyone with a lick of real experience can attest to, despite the pull of the affair, family life is good, my business is thriving and I suspect that time will help things fade as long as I don't try to keep the friendship alive.

Thanks guys. The anonymity of the forum makes it easier and less risky than talking about this stuff with friends.

Eddie, why did this woman's marriage fail? Also, would your marriage fail if your wife discovered the affair?

I'm guessing, the affair was discovered by this woman's husband...and is sounds like you are playing with fire, IMO.

I'm completely against any extramarital involvment, and this is yet another reason. You gave up all your power to this woman for a little "nookie".

This woman has the capabilities to ruin your marriage, your reputation, your financial situation (false claims), and could basically turn your life upsidedown.

Two things:

1) This woman is likely hurting from her failed marriage, and trying to rebuild her life. She may, or may not, want to drag you down with her. The whole 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned thing'.

2) Her now ex-husband could be on the warpath for you, if she broke down and passed all the blame of the affair onto your shoulders.

Someone posted let her heal. That's great advise, and also keep on this womans good side and break away from her gentlly. Frame it that you are trying to help her by not helping her.

You posted here to get people's advise, and it sounds like you don't want to hear it...so I'll spare that you reap what you sow. Since you can't change the past now, if I were you, I'd be looking at a worst case scenario with this woman and focus 100% on your marriage.

Thanks Mr. Positive. Until 3 years ago I felt exactly the same and believe me I've struggled with the guilt, but like a junkie I kept going back for the sugar.

Your advice suggesting the kid gloves treatment is well taken. I've come close to going scorched earth out of sheer frustration with the inconsistent behaviour I'm dealing with but obviously that won't help anyone. I'd like to think she'd honor our agreement to never involve the families regardless, but that's one of those things you don't want to even take a chance of being wrong about. Lot's of divorced folk out there who probably thought they could trust their secret lover until they ended it and the boiling rabbit showed up on the stove.

Eddie, just curious, but do you think your wife is getting her rocks off somewhere as well? Why or why not? And if so, do you mind?

"the boiling rabbit showed up on the stove"

LMAO, glad to see you've watched Fatal Attraction too.

In anycase I agree with Mr. Positive.

He gave really outstanding advice for your situation.

Sucks to lose a good piece though huh?

Oh and before I go I just want to let ya know that joekerr is one of the good guys here, he really means everyone well and tries to help the best he can and has made many outstanding posts and topics here but obviously his post in this instance didn't help ya.

Oh well though just letting you know it wasn't his intention to troll you or anything even if it came off that way.

KontrollerX said:

"the boiling rabbit showed up on the stove"
Sucks to lose a good piece though huh?

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Thanks KontrollerX

You know it. Just a shame that in the end she went over to the dark side and ruined a perfectly good friendship in the process. Before I got married I usually had an FB or two whenever I wasn't in a committed relationship.
Without fail these always went sour when FB wanted to become LTR. I have a friend that says a woman and a man can't be best buddies unless one of them is carrying a torch. I used to think he was full of crap. I'm starting to think that he's right.

Anyway, I figure I'm lucky to get out of this unscathed. I say I wouldn't do it again but that would make me full of crap. If another young hottie dropped out of the sky into my lap.....I guess it would depend on how things were at home. Right now they're pretty good so I'm not going to go looking for it.

Eddie417 said:

Please read messages thoroughly and ensure you comprehend them before responding. She ended it not me.

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I've no interest in being an emotional tampon and listening to her tell me about her new boyfriend so I said "no thanks, it was great while it lasted, call me if you change your mind." She was pretty upset, cried and asked me to change my mind. First time I ever ran into that.


sounds like you ended dipsh*t.

How long have you been in a sexless marriage?

Eddie--


Clearly you should cut ties with this woman, but it seems everyone is missing the obvious here.

Not trying to be captain morality, but im a little dissapointed that even our more seasoned posters are not only validating your 3 year affair but encouraging you to find someone else.

Circumstantially there has been some good advice, but why is everyone ignoring the glaring ethical issues here? I understand you didnt post here to be chastised for adultery, and thats not what im trying to do...but your post begs some fundamental questions:

-Why are you in a sexually unfulfilling marriage?

Or, alternatively, why did you marry her in the first place? Was the sex boring before you married? Or did it become that way over time, and because of what factors?

-Its probably safe to assume your wife is not aware of the whole ordeal, but what if she found out? And is there a possibility that she has sought extramarital sexual fulfillment as well?

I guess im a little taken aback that the actual affair seems to be a non-issue; its what to do with the woman in question, as if she were the long-time FB of a single man.

Just my 2, maybe you could fill us in.

Colossus said:

Not trying to be captain morality, but im a little dissapointed that even our more seasoned posters are not only validating your 3 year affair but encouraging you to find someone else.

Circumstantially there has been some good advice, but why is everyone ignoring the glaring ethical issues here? I understand you didnt post here to be chastised for adultery, and thats not what im trying to do...but your post begs some fundamental questions:

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Well we know Captain Obvious' job is safe because (so far) pretty much everyone (with the exception of the guy saying he's gonna miss that piece) that posted directly or indirectly opposed his affair in typical morally perfect Sosuave fashion. In fact, he's the only one I know of off the top of my head that even acknowledges having a martial affair on Sosuave, so I guess our perfection here is now in jeopardy.