How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

[Vulpine]

Originally Posted by JonnyWWW

Why doesn't she just disappear after shafting me like she did?

It's not for you to care about anymore, Jonny.

Instead, rage out with some TooL and go lift.

I recommend you pump "Flood" in your earholes as soon as possible. And, I don't mean at a friendly volume, I mean make your ears bleed, dude. (this goes for any breakup, really)

Flood
Here comes the water.

All I knew and all I believed
are crumbling images

that no longer comfort me.
I scramble to
reach higher ground,
some order and sanity,
or something to comfort me.

So I take what is mine,
and hold what is mine,

suffocate what is mine,
and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place now.

This ground is not the rock I...
thought it to be.

Thought I was high;
thought I was free;
thought I was there:
divine destiny.

I was wrong.
This changes everything.

(runnin' away, runnin' away now...)

I take what is mine,
and hold what is mine;
suffocate what is mine,
and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place -
The water is rising up on me.
Said the water's rising up on me.
Thought the sun would come deliver me,
but the truth has come to punish me instead.

The ground is breaking down right under me.
Cleanse and purge me
in the water.

Then, proceed to listen to "H." and "forty-six and two".
You'll feel better about it in no time.

Nevermind her, that's your past now, move forward and work on yourself.

[jophil28]

Originally Posted by JonnyWWW

I agree 100% about not contacting her and I haven't for 2 months. But she is still "hovering" around me when she could easily disappear.

You cannot make sense out of nonsense, and BPD women make no sense- not even to the professionals who try to treat them.

THie point is that she and you failed to create a fulfilling relationship .
Why ? Who really cares.

I gather that you might be harboring some flicker of hope that she REALLY does like you and is hovering around waiting for the right time to reappoach you? Perhaps - perhaps she is just doing what BPD women do - bizarre, meaningless, stupid, mindless gameplaying..BPD women are master mindfvckers and game players with NO conscience. They enjoy hurting men whom thay have snared into their sex trap. These women are called "Vampires" for very good reason.

JUst ignore her. ANY contact initiated by you will probably be interpreted by her as a sign of interest by you. Even if you screamed at her to "f**k off forever" she will twist that into a sure sign that you are still enamoured by her.
They are NUTS ...remember that and stay NO CONTACT for your own sanity.

[Knight's Cross]

OK How do you get rid of her? YOU DON'T LET HER IN TO BEGIN WITH. If there's anything I've learned it's this. I started this silly thread all because I let one IN! SET YOUR BOUNDARIES IN THE BEGINNING.
Good Lord isn't that easier?

KC

[JonnyWWW]

Originally Posted by jophil28

I gather that you might be harboring some flicker of hope that she REALLY does like you and is hovering around waiting for the right time to reappoach you?

No, maybe the first week or two after the sudden breakup but certainly not now - two months later. That window of opportunity where a normal person realizes they made a mistake or said some things out of anger, and apologizes, has long since past.

After reading some links (like http://sharischreiber.com/anycost.html), threads, listening to you guys, and after speaking with one of her former girlfriends, I realize my ex is a textbook BPD case. Probably stemming from her mom's suicide when she was young. Her mother had terminal cancer and committed suicide by jumping off the balcony where they lived.

Knowing what I know now I am almost glad that she cheated on me, left me for another guy, and was so unbelievably cold and cruel about it afterwards -- thus burning any bridges she could have used to try and slither her way back into my life and allowing me time to recover.

[KontrollerX]

"I have the option of blocking her IPs from the site and disabling her account. Should I do this? Or should I continue to ignore her no matter what she does and no matter how much it aggravates me?"

Block her from the sites.

Do this not out of any petty revenge.

Don't lower yourself to her level like that.

Instead block her from the sites to prevent her from harming anyone else under your watch.

Also you could put a link to BPDfamily.org somewhere on your site and sticky it since yours are dating sites and the link would be appropriate there.

These predators must be identified by the general public to avoid anymore people getting damaged by them.

If your BPD contacts you again you can tell her to stay away from you or if possible you could change all your contact info now or block her from it such as telephone/email/etc.

Under no circumstance though do you make contact with her.

Your main job is to stay no contact.

If she confronts you in person tell her the same stay away from you message.

The idea here is not to turn over anymore of your power to the BPD who only wants to get a reaction out of you that she would want to see such as a desire from you to take her back at which point she would either get with you for a while only to betray you callously and brutally later or immediately after she hears the words indicating you still want her so she can get her pathetic validation fix.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgXaVL1qkHw

Anyway I just found this song tonight and I thought it summed up the emptiness and searching for who we are after the BPD relationship has come to an end far after the majority of the pain we go through has finally ended in our minds or at least subsided.

The song is haunting similarly to how the BPD experiences haunts many of us for a very long time.

"Why doesn't she just disappear after shafting me like she did?"

Again she just wants validation, she wants an emotional reaction out of you, anything to validate her pathetic existance. She has no sense of self like normal humans do so she must vampire personality and feeling out of others to feel alive. She is hovering because she likely doesn't feel like she's gotten her fix from you emotionally yet completely. In other words you haven't been broken yet as fully as she wants and there is still some light in your soul for her to vampire away before she can totally let you go.

[decades]

She hovers because she wants to know that you can be used again in the future when she needs you. She can use you to create drama, jealousy, to hear her war stories, and tale of woe, to give her an ego boost and emotional support, to set up an "I dumped him and he still can't resist me" dynamic to once again USE against you in an "I'm better than you are" modality. It's nuts but that's how they survive. Dumping you takes the pressure off. It's this part of the relationship arc, the part that comes after the dump, that they work so diligently to construct, because keeping you around is building security for the future. Oh and she's like a chess master at the park keeping five games going simultaneously---- you aren't the only one she is "playing".

[DJDamage]

Originally Posted by KontrollerX

The song is haunting similarly to how the BPD experiences haunts many of us for a very long time.

When I think of BPD song I think of: Soul Asylum, Runaway Train.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xf4j0NKRfW0

Sad song but holds true to BPD who are like a runaway train waiting til disaster happens.

[PTC]

hmmm....

[Janez]

I've been with BPD girl for 4 years. 2,5 years we were officially together, last 1.5yr I was like her puppy dog doing everything she wanted and she never doing what I wanted. Just sex few times and I was hooked.

This summer we had sex more often, like 10 times or so, then she started behaving bad again and in next 14 days she got new bf. Which was "my fault" again lol.

Anyway, I go through this thread, I find Facing the facts page, read stories there and here, see that my ex must definitely be BPD.

I go few times with her on a drink, while trying to talk to her with new perspective. Can't work things out the way I would want and today after drink I sent her goodbye message.

I am actually still so hooked that i am actually prepared to be with her if I make it for her to get psichiatric treatment. I believe she will be quite devastated if I make no contact and truly abandon her. But this things is part of me now, my challenge.

Big problem is that this girl is my first LTR after I found this site and we played so many mind games it is sick. Fortunately enough I found out she is BPD and that these tricks and things simply don't work with this kind of people. It is very hurtful and my last 4 years were really ****ty. When we were together and things between us were good, I was like a king of the world. But when things were not ok, and that was most of last 2 years, I felt terrible.

Sex was great, she did many dirty things. And first 2 years we had sex everytime we were together. Sex was just great.... but everything else... it damaged me so bad.

Fortunately I am only 25 yrs old at the moment so after I will heal my wounds I have all life in front of me. But when those vampires suck your soul its hard to get true and good perspective.

Will see in future how things will go. Until then I must stay strong.



Was wondering how to revenge to her. But I realised that... if i make her some pain she might actually do something really bad to her and I don't really want that.

[KontrollerX]

"if I make it for her to get psichiatric treatment."

I thought I could do the same with the second one I got involved with.

That ended in disaster just like the first Cluster B experience I had.

Don't play therapist with one of these chicks or even with any normal chick.

Doing that always ends in disaster.

And know that for this BPD to be helped going to a psych doc has to be a decision she makes on her own and not motivated by any external influence ie pressure from you that she go.

All that would happen if you forced her to go is she would lie to you and the doctor about improvement, the good times would last for a little while and then she'd suddenly quit or keep going but brutally betray you again by sucking off and fvcking some other guy or gang of guys behind your back and then quitting therapy.

She would only ever go to therapy at your behest if she thought it was necessary to keep you and she wanted to keep you for whatever reason.

Its a part of the giving you what you want that is so common of Cluster B people and its only a manipulation to draw you in so that they can get what they want of you.

Her going to therapy if you pressured her would be absolutely useless for her and your relationship as it would be a phony manipulative act on her part to appease you.

I believe she will be quite devastated if I make no contact and truly abandon her."

Fvck her.

Fvck her feelings.

She's a human piece of sh!t as are all these Cluster B women and men.

She does not care about you, she does not love you, she does not like you and she never did.

And that goes the same for her with other people, other guys and girls she's been with and around.

She doesn't care about or love them either.

The only thing that matters to her is herself and her own amusement and feelings in the moment.

That is the sick, sad and brutal truth about Cluster B Personality Disordered people.

Selfishness is what they are completely at their core.

Moreso than natural human selfishness as unlike normal humans they lack empathy and feelings of reciprocity, they lack object constancy which means out of sight out of mind.

You are an object to her no different than a toaster.

When you think you see the light of love in her eyes for you or anyone else its the same kind of love someone has for the new car smell or getting a new videogame that they've wanted or getting their huge paycheck if they've got a good job.

Its not real love but objectified love.

You are only good to them so long as you can fulfill your momentary purpose to them, your object function and once they've decided you've broke on them like a toaster you will be replaced by a new undamaged (by them) model.

So stop thinking about this cvnt's fvcking feelings and worry about your own.

Go no contact and stay no contact and whenever thoughts of white picket fences, eternal love and all that rot comes into your mind surrounding her remember that at the very moment you are thinking this and imagining her thinking the same about you she is mostly like giving a wicked Jenna Jameson in her prime style bl0wj0b to some stranger she just met in a bathroom stall.

Oh not my BPD KontrollerX!

Yes your BPD sir.

I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on.

Its all bullsh!t.

Academy award winning bullsh!t.

So save yourself and walk away.

No contact.

Ever again.

Get yourself some psychotherapy if you need it and be mindful about future girls you get involved with and never solve their life problems for them.

You are there with a girl for a hookup or to have a relationship with them which consists of having fun together and loving one another.

Not there to try and be Dr. Phil and listen to her tell you about her depression/cutting herself/drug addiction etc.

Leave that sh!t to the professionals.

And don't be trying to get any revenge on this cvnt as she'll get you back 10,000 times worse by going on a massive smear campaign about how you raped her or beat her up etc and before you know it the cops will be knock knock knocking at your door over this slimey piece of sh!t's false allegations about you.

Going no contact will hurt her more than any revenge you could possibly do to her.

It hurts them more than a punch to the face, slashing their tires or telling them off ever would because they thrive on feeding off your emotions both happy and sad, they thrive off your continued attention.

Do not feed that beast.

Control yourself and walk away.

You have full power over your life and emotions and can walk away at any time.

She only has the power over you that you turn over to her willingly.

Click on the link in my sig and start listening to the Tom Leykis show free podcasts and let the healing of your mind and soul begin.

Cry out the pain if you need to without regret or shame, talk out the pain for as long as you have to on forums or to your psych doc even if it takes months or years but do not, I repeat do not look for this cvnt to be the answer to it.

She's not.

She'll only heap more pain onto your life.

She's the mirage in the desert.

She's not a fountain of water to preserve your life from the cruel heat.

She is the heat.

She is spiritual death and physical death.

Avoid her like your very life depended upon it because it does!

[decades]

The biggest mistake we make is believing their "act" that they care about us. X is right on. They care about what you can give them, what you can "supply" them, and nothing more. Once she finds a way to replace what you give her, the emotional SUPPLY, she can be done with you as easily as she could be done with her Ipod, were she to leave that at a Bar or Restaurant.

[PTC]

Originally Posted by KontrollerX

"if I make it for her to get psichiatric treatment."

I thought I could do the same with the second one I got involved with.

That ended in disaster just like the first Cluster B experience I had.

Don't play therapist with one of these chicks or even with any normal chick.

Doing that always ends in disaster.

And know that for this BPD to be helped going to a psych doc has to be a decision she makes on her own and not motivated by any external influence ie pressure from you that she go.

All that would happen if you forced her to go is she would lie to you and the doctor about improvement, the good times would last for a little while and then she'd suddenly quit or keep going but brutally betray you again by sucking off and fvcking some other guy or gang of guys behind your back and then quitting therapy.

She would only ever go to therapy at your behest if she thought it was necessary to keep you and she wanted to keep you for whatever reason.

Its a part of the giving you what you want that is so common of Cluster B people and its only a manipulation to draw you in so that they can get what they want of you.

Her going to therapy if you pressured her would be absolutely useless for her and your relationship as it would be a phony manipulative act on her part to appease you.

This is SOOO true!!! In my my long stint with my BPD she went to 3 different therapists, 1 with me and 1 by herself and we saw one separately. The first one we went to together lasted for about 3 sessions and she ended up getting mad and pissed off because it seemed like more of the sessions were about her,..go figure. The second one she went to lasted about 4-5 sessions and she quit going. The third one she went to, whom I went to as well after our last breakup, only lasted about 2 times. Like KontrollerX said, BPD women don't like counselers, therapist,.etc.. telling them how screwed up they are. My BPD even told me that one of the therapist she went to, the last one I went to, was crazier than a sh!thouse rat!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Her calling a therapist crazy!!! Haha! I went to this therapist for about 3 months after our final breakup and she told me she had seen her(my BPD) 2 times and never heard from her again. She told me too, like KontrollerX said, that in order for BPD women to get help it has to be on their own and unfortunately that is a rare occurance. She(my therapist) also told me that they(BPD's) can only use their bait(sex) for so long and eventually when they can no longer use sex to lure men in, when they get older and unattractive, all this pain and misery they created will hit them like a brick wall. She said they won't feel any guilt or pain what so ever now because they don't ever take the time to heal but they just move on to the next victim. But sooner or later they will she said, and when they do, it will be too late.

[Aenigma]

I wonder if once could deal with these women by beating them at their own games. Kon-X said that Sociopaths can- they're the master manipulators and have no feels- thus they are immune to their games and can pull off counter moves of their own.

Examples:

BPD accuses him of not caring about her feelings by leaving up toilet seat- and has crying breakdown. Sociopath ingores her feelings and accueses her of not caring about the relationship because of her making a deal of such a tiny thing.

BPD accuses him of looking at other women/infidelity and Sociopath does (blank) mindgame to counter her ploy (help me out her Kontroller- you watch Dexter and read all those psych books- so you probably know a few good plays that these guys use)

At any rate, the point is that Sociopaths counter the Drama games and manipulations of these women by playing games and using manipulations of their owns. I'm wondering, however, that maybe (if you actually wanted to live with them) the best way to deal with them would be to provide them with the drama and emotion that they need- pre-emptively on your terms. Maybe even act crazy and go overboard with the emotions.

Accuse her of looking at other men- "lose your temper" and then start throwing stuff around the house/destroying stuff (cheap stuff preferably).

Say she dosen't care about you because she didn't flush the toilet- and then start throwing tampons at her or something.

**** her sister or best friend ahead of time- then pull it out when she says she cheated on you.

Basically cut yourself off emotionally, and then go hog wild and do any/every crazy thing that you could possibly think of. Push/Pull her premptively. If she tried to do it to you go overboard in both directions. If she pushes- don't give a **** and disparage her. If she pulls- go AFC and give her undying declarations of love (which may or may not be true). Keep her on her toes. Don't be predictable. Give her something different every day. Hell- take a dump on her car (or in it) one day just for ****tz and giggles. Laugh about it and say "WHY SO SERIOUS" in a joker tone if she brings it up! Drink your self stupid then deilberitly puke in her purse. Give her MORE drama then she can handle. Instead of out-manipulating her and shutting off your emotions- Be crazier then her and then laugh about it. BE AS CRAZY AS YOU CAN (its not like you'll find a better person who deserves it- or might even appreciate it)

Thoughts?

[KontrollerX]

It might sound easy to pull off on the surface Aenigma but to do this you'd have to live with a sociopathic mindset 24/7 which would over time effect you extremely negatively.

The reason real sociopaths are so successful at what they do is they have almost zero emotion and no conscience. They know the textbook definitions of right and wrong but do not feel when something is right or wrong like we do.

This is why Casey Anthony is not affected by her daughter being gone, why she gave that hideously inappropriate smile in the court room, why she was smirking when she got arrested and a whole host of other oddities surrounding her that normal people found to be well...odd.

She is most likely a sociopath.

Not a Borderline, not a Histrionic, not your standard AW but a sociopath like Dexter/Hannibal Lecter/BTK/Ted Bundy etc.

Thats what we're talking about here with my Casey Anthony example.

Someone like that teacher who screwed her student Deborah Lefave well thats a Histrionic.

Someone like Amy Winehouse thats a Borderline with severe ASPD characteristics.

Anyway just laid this out to give you a frame of reference that you can think about of how the various Cluster B personality disordered people appear to act on the surface.

So getting back to the point why its bad to try and mimic a sociopath to have success with a Borderline is a bad idea to try for a normal person is well for one thing its extremely sick behavior on that normal person's part and the other reasons are as follows:

You'll expend a tremendous amount of energy keeping up the act and because you are not actually a sociopath and do not think like them at all times you may be outgamed by the borderline at a critical moment or allow her to get away with something the sociopath would most certainly respond to with violence or walking away.

I bring up a normal person not being able to walk away after a while because you as a normal will think of all the effort you've put in to keep her thus far and not want it to go to waste and not only that you will probably come to love her if you are sick enough to try this in the first place. You'll realize your love when you try to do the right game move at the moment which would be to walk away or to physically abuse her. Not being a sociopath you wouldn't lack that much humanity to the point you could do those things.

And she predator that she is will smell the weakness in you or identify it and will do things to gradually chip away at it.

What normals who try and tame these sickos don't understand is they do not think like you on any level.

They are a different kind of human being.

Disordered and childlike but possessing a great intelligence that helps them outgame and play people.

Well adjusted normal men and women who have had good parents raise them that showed them the proper amount of love and what to look for and avoid when getting into relationships will identify one of these people as harmful almost immediately and remove them from their life but former AFC's of this site get some kind of oddball idea that they can tame this kind of person.

Its not going to happen.

Their disorder is literally who they are, it is their entire personality, there is no lasting connection you will be able to make with one of them. You are an object to them to be treasured one moment and discarded the next.

Now I know a lot of would be tamers don't want to hear all that they think they can tame one if only they get the knowledge to do so and all will be well in their lives but what I'm telling you guys is you will play your game good for a while but what you won't get or understand is its not just a game to the borderline or histrionic AW it is their life and what they live for like a person drinks water to live or breathes are. They never stop. Its like that scene from the Terminator where Kyle Reese says it doesn't feel pity remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop ever until you are dead.

Well AW's are similar. Not that they are going to kill you of course (though that can happen with a BPD or ASPD female sometimes) but that you are not going to be able to turn this h0 into a loyal house wife.

Even if you can get her interest enough to the point she makes you her main boyfriend who she keeps around what you are going to have to swallow and accept is she will fvck other guys and girls behind your back. She'll fvck old men, young men, nerdy otaku tards, guys she met randomly in bathroom stalls etc. The sky is the limit or rather the gutter. An AW has no shame nor any scruples or lasting guilt if even guilt.

Anyway I'll end with some cliff notes to try and condense all my points that I think you and others that want to do this need to take in...

-If you want an AW you have to take on a sociopathic mindset 24/7 and live it for as long as you want this AW in your life and obsessed with you.

-You must accept much more than your semen will be drained while with the AW as even under the best circumstances where you manipulate her well she will require exorbitant amounts of your time and attention and she has many clever ways of getting this out of you. It is all about control and generating drama. You have to walk a tightrope and not quite give her as much of this as she wants but just enough to keep her wanting you. So accept that you will be incredibly drained of energy the longer you are involved with her.

-You must understand that even going into this kind of scenario with an active plan you risk losing yourself in the process as you become more and more sociopathic in thought patterns to outsmart your AW.

-If you want to take this game all the way you will have to resort to disgusting levels of physical violence, intimidation and fear, I've read many ASPD's talking about tying BPD's up and beating them with a belt to give you all a disgusting example of their tactics and of course the BPD remained obsessed with the ASPD afterwards. The reason ASPD's use fear and intimidation is because it is the simplest form of controlling someone though they will tend towards charm if that will work even easier and especially so if they consider their mark will try and have them imprisoned for the physical violence so if you are going to go this sociopathic route you must establish in the BPD's mind that you are a man that takes no sh!t and she and anyone that crosses you will get whats coming to them with your fists and possibly worse and you must follow through as the BPD will take note of idle threats and judge it as a weakness and you will be exposed as a fraud.

-The AW responding well to your schemes for a very long period of time may begin to give you a false sense of confidence where you then fall in love with her and start to believe she is tamed and that you can relax. In reality this was just her bait and you are about to be destroyed. So remember no matter how hot or how tempting an AW is keep your emotions out of it. She's a fvcked up pincushion basically and you need to think of her in this way if you are to succeed with your plans.

-Don't try to out crazy her in the sense of going on huge rants to top hers. Instead walk away when she begins a rant or do the other sociopathic method which would be the threat of violence if she does not behave. Note that even if you carry out the violence she could escalate with violence of her own or call the cops on you as revenge so make sure she is obsessively in love with you before you start the policy of sociopathic violence and basically let her know directly or indirectly that if she lays a hand to you or calls the cops on you her life is in danger.

So yeah if you want to go the sociopathic route you have to become a gigantic piece of sh!t disgrace of a human being.

I don't recommend this at all but I do answer questions when asked.

[Aenigma]

Yea... well the fact of the matter is that I'm still in love with my soon to be Ex-Wife. The fact that I banged her Wednesday/Thrusday (less then a week after I filed for divorce) isn't helping matters.

Really, what I guess what I'm trying to determine is whether or not the woman I fell for is savageable; whether she is a girl who has a few problems- but will turn out ok if they're resovled... or if she's a sadist who's out to destroy me as a way of getting back a daddy/men/whoever. Sometimes I feel that she's being genuine with me-= other times I know she's not- espically when she's "crying". (Its funny how much a bit of expirence will let you see through games and manipulations.) Its those genine moments that I love- the ones where we're just laughing and having a good time together. The times like these http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=149650 on the other hand.....

Sometimes I think she's BPD. Sometimes I think just a controller/manipulator- just like 99% of women. I blame myself somtimes. As Pook said- the nagging frustrated wife dosent come from nowhere. I blame myself.... I say "well- maybe if I were more outgoing, didn't play video games as much- or came up with more activities- or didn't complain about hating my profession so much then she would have stayed happy". She's supportive of me- tells me to quit med school and find a profession that I love. Tells me that I'll be successful in whatever I do since I'm so smart, intelligent, and capable.

My parents, and sister, on the other hand think she's the devil. They're sure she's a ***** and that she cheated on me while we were married and together. My sister went as far as to say that she would bet everything that she owned that she did.

I wish I had all the facts. If I knew she was a BPD slut who cheated on me constantly then I could go own with no regrets- right now I still care for her and (call me AFC if you will) love her- even after all what's happened. We had alot of great and happy times. Hell, we slept together every night, holding hands, for 8 months straight. I would like to think that all that was geniune and that she cares for me- and that it can be worked out. But I don't want to be the fool either. I'm no ostrich- but I'm not an expert. I can deal with a little crazy- hell I'm a little crazy- maybe more then a bit- I'm the one who asked her back less then a week after filing .

We'd be a good match. But I'm not going to stay with a malicious psychopath who's out to break me emotionally and psychologically (if not finanically as well). What do you guy's think?

[KontrollerX]

"The fact that I banged her Wednesday/Thrusday (less then a week after I filed for divorce) isn't helping matters."

Hey man sex and the promise of sex is one of the strongest weapon in a Cluster B's arsenal.

Well that and the false love idealization they create for you through mirroring your best qualities back at you to make you believe you've met the perfect person for you.

So of course you met the perfect person for you!

She has become you!!!

LOL.

"Really, what I guess what I'm trying to determine is whether or not the woman I fell for is savageable; whether she is a girl who has a few problems- but will turn out ok if they're resovled... or if she's a sadist who's out to destroy me as a way of getting back a daddy/men/whoever. Sometimes I feel that she's being genuine with me-= other times I know she's not- espically when she's "crying"."

My friend your gut instinct feeling has led you to this thread in particular for answers and if there is one thing I learned about these people it is to trust your gut instinct reaction!

Anyway its not really that she's out to destroy you per se, its more or less she is incredibly terrified on intimacy and being abandoned on a deep conscious and unconscious level due to some form of parental abandonment as a child. This is the kind of fear that cannot be appeased with kind gentle words and caring from a lover or loved one but is deeply rooted within her and will take the work of a trained psychotherapist specialist in the personality disorders and her own willingness to participate in therapy to get better. They can never be fully cured but they can be...improved. Remember BPD is a personality and thus cannot be eliminated. Only managed really and management is a best case scenario as therapy for even the ones that want it doesn't guarantee they will be helped by it at all the condition is so terribly ingrained.

It may seem that she is actually angry at you at times and attacking you like a normal woman with a legitimate grievance might but that is not what is happening. In reality you have done nothing wrong and her attacks are motivated by an absolute belief that you will abandon her at some point and because of this unshakeable belief she has to be the one to try and abandon you first and does this through cheating and many other bad things.

And yes crying is a common weapon of all Cluster B's most often utilized by Histrionics which are the lighter variation of the BPD disorder. HPD's don't cut or rage but they do all the other negative cheating, lying type things that BPD's are well known for.

As for genuiness even that is motivated by an entirely selfish need on her part and is never honesty for honesty's sake.

All four Cluster B Personality Disorders come with pathological lying as part of the package. They will lie about the most trivial of matters to the biggest of matters like its nothing and they will do this with academy award winning amazingness. Think Heath Ledger as the Joker or Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter. Both believable electrifying performances by both actors. Well thats the inborn quality of acting and showmanship you'll see from Cluster B's.

"My parents, and sister, on the other hand think she's the devil. They're sure she's a ***** and that she cheated on me while we were married and together. My sister went as far as to say that she would bet everything that she owned that she did."

Well if you've had a relatively good relationship with your parents and sister and they've not led you astray during your life I'd definitely listen to them if I were you. Thats three against one that still believes in the BPD. Keep that in mind and also keep in mind that the victims of BPD's are so gradually broken down by being involved with them that the victim rationalizes away the bad behavior of the BPD and makes many excuses to themself for why the BPD is the way he or she is in order so that the victim can justify to themself of why they stay with the BPD and why they should continue to do so. Of course a normal person who sees this from the outside who has not undertaken these victim rationalizations is absolutely horrified when they get a glimpse of the true nature of the relationship. They see it with different eyes than yours and thus reveal the painful truth to you that you definitely cannot see being so wrapped up in the BPD's world.

"I wish I had all the facts. If I knew she was a BPD slut who cheated on me constantly then I could go own with no regrets- right now I still care for her and (call me AFC if you will) love her"

I'd never call you an AFC over a BPD experience and still thinking you love one. In reality you don't love her and I'm not being presumptuous or doubting your general sincerity as a man to say this but because I know them so well I can say that if indeed your soon to be ex wife is a BPD you only loved the mirror image of yourself that she presented to you. It really was impossible to love her because she did not exist. She assimilated your personality like the Borg and created a perfect connection for you. Now maybe a person can love them for their beauty, looks and voice as that is all that is real about them. The rest is a well constructed facade using your own personality against you. Its cruel, its sucks but that is BPD for you.

"hell I'm a little crazy- maybe more then a bit- I'm the one who asked her back less then a week after filing"

Don't worry. Right now you are addicted to drama like a drug addict. You may need the help of a 12 step group, the book Rational Recovery or outright psychotherapy to break her hold on your life but you can get through the urges by fighting them in one of these ways and most importantly of all going cold no contact as soon as you possibly can. I see possibly can because I have no idea what your living arrangement is now. If you share a house and money is tight then you are pretty well fvcked. On the other hand if you can live somewhere else easily that'd be a good idea for you to do that.

Anyway in closing and going back to responding a bit more to the last line you wrote I'll say this...

If you've got the money to hire a private detective do that and if she is a BPD you'll most certainly get her caught on tape cheating with some guy or gang of guys.

[mtnkng]

Here's the thing....

You don't need to stay attached to a disordered woman. You don't need to "game" them for the sex. You don't owe them anything.

PDs are adults and are responsible for themselves. They'll continue on they way they are and burn through all the relationships in their lives. Note: they usually do not have an close friendships. There's a reason for this.

There is no good reason to stay with a toxic woman. Remember, we allow people into our lives because they add to our lives. There are so many women out there that are far better than PDs and AWs.... keep the toxic people out, and the good ones in.

A relationship with a BPD is hard to get over. You have to defeat the enmeshment, fear, obligation and guilt. Trust me, if you've been in a relationship with one, you've been manipulated and twisted. Exiting the relationship is difficult, more so than a relationship with a non-BPD, because of the mind fvcking you've endured.

Get out, stay out. Learn to recognize the disorder and pass them by. There are many other women out there that are far better for you. (read up on the abundant/scarcity mindset).

And yeah, props to KX....JoPhil, PTC, PE and the other BPD vets.

[jophil28]

The post that KX wrote is good advice . HE is the BPD 'go to' man here.

I want to refer to scripture for another warning regarding protecting yourself from evil. ( gee, they know all about Cluster B folk 2000 years ago )

" Satan transforms himself ( or herself ) into an angel of light. "

Do you know what a Borderline Waif is? That is the 'sweeter than sweet' ,passive and compliant, uber feminine, starry eyed girl/woman that perhaps you (and I ) fell for. THis is the china doll type with that beaming sunny smile and that magnetic presence which flipped ON all your circuit breakers.
THis is the magical princess, the Rapunzel, who looks at you with adoration and shows such pleasure to be in your presence.
DOes any of this sound familiar ? Do you have any memories of this type of experience with her in the first few months ?
And then it changed didn't it...That gorgeous female - that perfect creature started behaving inconsistently. Her words did not match her actions, and even her actions did not follow a pattern of consistency. Other men appeared in her conversations with you . Of course they were just "friends" or work colleagues BUT she found way to let you know that you had rivals. The mind fukking had begun.

SHe stated acting slightly unreliably or she was "unavailable " occasionally,BUT she insisted on your absolute attention and committment to her. Your slightest departure from your normal way of being with her were met with suspicion and mistrust. She hinted that she did not trust you and inferred that your are a person of poor character (of course all this is said with sweetness and light) Little did you know that she was seeing other men while hinting that YOu were the untrustworthy one.

Perhaps she started saying and doing things with callous indifference to your feelings and with an utter disregard for your relationship.. Do you remember the confusion that followed those times when she behaved appallingly and had NO remorse. Remember the child-like evasions of accountability when she twisted it all back on you?

Remember ?

Any of this ring bells for you ?

You are filing divorce for very good reasons and now you are second guessing your decision in case your are making the wrong decision.
You 'soon to be EX' may be BPD (or one of its variants) OR she may have other psych problems , BUT you would not be filing unless you have had enough.
THat is the point.

[decades]

Originally Posted by Aenigma

Yea... well the fact of the matter is that I'm still in love with my soon to be Ex-Wife. The fact that I banged her Wednesday/Thrusday (less then a week after I filed for divorce) isn't helping matters.

You're bargaining with yourself right now. That's a phase all of us who came across a borderline in the wild and survived, went through. You're at the stage where you know it's all going to schit. But you're still hooked. And you're desperately trying to figure out a way for you two love birds to be together forever. That's a dream. But if you take our advice and go NO CONTACT, you can eventually emerge from the darkness and live the rest of your days in the light. But you will have to quit bargaining for a future with this toxic presence now, and accept the stark reality of life without her.

[DJDamage]

A good movie quote regarding BPD woman came from the movie Fight Club (told by Tyler Durdan regarding Marla Singer):

"She is a predator posing as a house pet".