I'm such a freaking scumbag...

This is a long read, but it shows how complicated things can be.

I was in NYC last summer for 4 months. I live in NYC during summer and Xmas college breaks. Love this city!

I met a girl at work. I hired her and trained her. Naturally, my behavior exhibited dominance because I was giving training and bossing her around a bit. She found me really really cute (will explain later). We hung out a few times and she really liked my stories about living in another state and saw that as entertainment for herself. I didn't want to f*ck her... We were kind of like friends... kind of like.... but I constantly heard how she would tell her girls about how good I look and she compared me to her ex-BF. She told them those things away from me (to make sure I didn't hear them, so I know she didn't say those things to lead me on).

We never made out or even hugged, but flirted for fun.

She was done with HS relationships and wanted something different, someone mature.

I went back to the other state to college. I had a crappy semester regarding any kind of success (grades, social life, family life, girls too...). It was just not good. I felt bad and depressed, and I talked to her all the time.

I was telling this girl all my problems and I was sincere. She didn't tell me about her problems...she discussed them with her girls, not me. I wasn't the "Oh, you are such a good friend!" to her. She was like that to ME.

I told her about like every freaking date and she would help me out in a REAL way. She'd give me hint on how to be a better player and not an AFC. I could tell she didn't like hearing about my girl problems. MAYBE because she liked me....I don't know...

She was very very very nice to me, very helpful, very sincere, sweet, and just everything! She, however, did use me as funny college story entertainment guy. She just loved my funny stories (that did happen). I just shared my ENTIRE self with her.

She gave me so much confidence. When we parted she actually told me that she thinks I am very attractive and such. She kept boosting my ego when we talked online and help me out emotionally.

Hell, I would be the one sending her "I'm bored" messages when I was in class...

I never had anyone like that in my life before...ever. I never had such feeling for girls I f*cked either.

Now I went back to NYC and this girl has been waiting for me to hang out with her. BUT I AM A RETARD WHO READS TOO MUCH SOSUAVE.

So, I developed this concept in me about "You're not doing her, then you are a GIRL to her". So I meet her at work and I am being REALLY COLD to her and indifferent and then ended up bossing her around and being MEAN for no reason.

She was pissed and then really sad... I ignored her phone calls and things like that.

She tried to be a little playful but that didn't work because I kept ignoring her...

Why? Well...I'm not f*cking her and probably never will but I care about her so so so so much for all the nice things she did to me and said to me!

Why the hell should I be afraid of being considered a friend???

So, me trying to get her OUT of my life makes me a MAN and hanging out with her as a friend makes me a WOMAN?

Is that not retarded as hell? I owe her so much and I am not even being NICE because supposedly being nice makes you a p*ssy!

When she gets a BF I will be a little jealous, but not REALLY because I f*cked hotter looking girls. Its not about that...its just that I care for her and I truly adhere to her needs no matter how AFC this sounds. Why? I don't know...I'm just so emotional about her but not sexual. I don't feel like I'm a girl when I am around her. She only makes me a better man and opens my eyes on the TRUTHS of things!


Now that I was such a jerk...I don't know how to ask forgiveness... What do I tell her? "Hey, I thought that by being friends with you I am becoming a p*ssy and I found out its wrong"...

I know she wants to hang out and I know I SHOULD give her that attention. She deserves it! She gave me so much and I gave her sh*t! I want to give her that attention because I care and I want nothing back. Nothing at ALL!

Other guys try to play her and refuse to be her "friend" because they know they won't get any that way. Thing is...they aren't getting squat from her either...



What can I do now? How do I fix this situation?

Based upon the first part of your story, this girl seems like one that highly values honesty; it was the part about you that drew her to you.

That being said, why not go for the homerun? Tell her exactly why you acted the way you did; .... because you were trying to "kill" the "friendship only" part of you guys relationship so that you could shift the focus to a more romantic one. She's either going to be receptive to this, and you get both your friend back as well as a new girlfriend/lover, or she is going to run alltogether because it would be too awkward to be just friends with someone that wants more. The first part of your story suggests she might indeed like you in that way too, so i think you have decent odds here.

I'm afraid the friendship only part of that relationship is dead. Its all or nothing now. If you just go with an apology only and make up something, then you're eventually just going to revert back to wanting something more within little time. All that will do is prolong the inevitable; returning back to this situation, except you'll be even more "just friends" with her and your odds of elevating will be even lower then.

So good luck; hit that ball out of the park!

azanon said:

Based upon the first part of your story, this girl seems like one that highly values honesty; it was the part about you that drew her to you.

That being said, why not go for the homerun? Tell her exactly why you acted the way you did; .... because you were trying to "kill" the "friendship only" part of you guys relationship so that you could shift the focus to a more romantic one. She's either going to be receptive to this, and you get both your friend back as well as a new girlfriend/lover, or she is going to run alltogether because it would be too awkward to be just friends with someone that wants more. The first part of your story suggests she might indeed like you in that way too, so i think you have decent odds here.

I'm afraid the friendship only part of that relationship is dead. Its all or nothing now. If you just go with an apology only and make up something, then you're eventually just going to revert back to wanting something more within little time. All that will do is prolong the inevitable; returning back to this situation, except you'll be even more "just friends" with her and your odds of elevating will be even lower then.

So good luck; hit that ball out of the park!

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Well....er....see....I would have to play her because of things she told me...."Never tell a girl how you feel...do how you feel! So, if you want to kiss her then just kiss her!"

So, I can't just go and tell her...everything would end right there. I would have to flirt and etc...


What I want is for her not to hate me and not to be SAD! It kills me when she is sad...

Actions transcend words.

So kiss her.

HolyG said:

Actions transcend words.

So kiss her.

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I don't want to!

But see...now I'm stuck...with this girl....because girls I want to play and **** is one thing but when u were friends with a girl for 5 months and u KNOW she is worth it....Im scared cuz I never met a girl like that before...

I'd never just f*ck her and leave her...I want to be much more with her or just stay friends.

To me, emotional and sharing experience with her is WAY above sexual.

Babnik said:

I don't want to!

...............
To me, emotional and sharing experience with her is WAY above sexual.

Click to expand...

Fine, and i believe you, but you have this situation now, and there's no going back. So, call her and say you have to see her (meet her somewhere), and just freakin kiss her before you say anything. Maybe start by moving in for a kiss on the cheek but play close attention to how she reacts; she'll either give you her cheek or kiss you on the lips.

THEN explain what happened.

So you wouldnt take both her friendship and her affection? Sounds like you would.......

azanon said:

Fine, and i believe you, but you have this situation now, and there's no going back. So, call her and say you have to see her (meet her somewhere), and just freakin kiss her before you say anything. Maybe start by moving in for a kiss on the cheek but play close attention to how she reacts; she'll either give you her cheek or kiss you on the lips.

THEN explain what happened.

So you wouldnt take both her friendship and her affection? Sounds like you would.......

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Well, see...I don't see how me being such a jerk pulled her closer...it pushed her away. It wasn't romantic at all.

I think you misread the advice on here - you are not suppose to be friends with girls who you want to be romantic with. But you said that you don't want to pursue her romantically - correct?

Last Man Standing said:

I think you misread the advice on here - you are not suppose to be friends with girls who you want to be romantic with. But you said that you don't want to pursue her romantically - correct?

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I don't know...I just know that losing her entirely as a friend is not worth the attempt of being romantic.

I want to hug her and hold her and be next to her...but I never imagined having sex with her. NOT because I think she is an angel who doesn't want to get dirty (because she does with the right guy) but because its not what I want from her...

I don't know, maybe she is the type of girl I would marry...

SEE...I didn't want to be romantic at first!! But NOW its different....feeling shifted!

You need to go sit down and figure out what you want from this relationship.

Friendship or love? Go figure it out.

Babnik said:

I don't know, maybe she is the type of girl I would marry...

SEE...I didn't want to be romantic at first!! But NOW its different....feeling shifted!

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Ok, this is what I was thinking.

So you don't want to just be her next pimp but are looking for a road that will lead to marriage? You want her to see you differently then her past sexual partners?

How do you know that she sees you in the same way? Is the distance thing a problem?

What is it that you fear? Rejection?

Maybe something wrong with me, but i've never been able to be really close to a woman that i didn't want to f*** too if I had the chance.

You don't have to be romatically involved with every girl you meet. If you like the girl as a friend then be her friend. Time will pass and you'll grow apart just like the male friend you've had in the past. You don't owe her anything either. You two enjoyed time together but for one reason or another you decided you couldn't handle being just her friend but don't want to take it any further. This is completely understandable and shouldn't be viewed as burden on you. You both have seperate lives and you can both, as individuals, chose to direct them in whatever way you want. I have friends who are girls who I learned a great deal from but wanted more and didn't want to put in the necessary effort to advace things futher or didn't see the point. I don't talk to them even though they send me random text messages every now and again and call me just to check in from time to time. They don't seem to be devistated by the fact that I don't respond to often, nor do I care, and nor should they. We all have to make choices pretaning to us as individuals as we're really all we've got. She'll meet new people and so will you over your lifetimes so don't get upset about just one encounter with someone.