Wow what am I doing?

I recently met this girl at my job and she's totally cool. Good personality, easy to get along with, smart, funny etc etc and she's really easy on the eyes too (good face, AWESOME rack, use to be a dancer) and I lay down my game. Finally I get her number, as she's seperating from our company so we won't be working together ever again, and I think that's a positve at the time. I set up a date and she drops it on me that she's two months pregnant by her ex boyfriend. Apparently she dumped the guy and found out later she was pregnant (after she passed out while at work). So I'd already set up the date and I don't want to be a **** so I say we can still go, ofcourse having full intentions of saying things aren'tgoing to work out between us in one way or the other, and since she doesn't work at my job I wouldn't have to worry about any reprecutions.

Anyway tonight I had said date and to my dismay it was the best dinner date I've ever had. We have a tremendous amount in common, she's a great story teller, very intelligent, very funny, and despite being over two months pregnant she looked spectacular. She hugged me at the end of the evening and asked if we were going to go out again and I was quick to say "Oh, definately". I've never been able to talk to a girl for 6 hours straight without a drink and with no akward pauses for just about the duration.

I don't know what to say guys. I've lost it. There are literally COUNTLESS reasons why getting involved with someone who's recently pregnant is a HORRIBLE idea, I am completely aware of this. But I can't get over how well I mesh with this person. I'm really at a loss here and am not sure exactly what's happening or where this is going.

I'd like to hear some thoughts on the situation. Flamers, feel free to flame a way, I don't care obviously because I've been here for eons and your stupidity amuses me. For the rest of you with with legitamate awnsers, thank you in advance.

Well her not telling me she was pregnant isn't completely her fault. At work and in life I follow the mind your own buisness clause where I don't ask about peoples personal lives and honestly I don't care anyway. Unforntately keeping myself out of the "gossip"circle was my demise. Apparently EVERYBODY knew she was pregnant, EXCEPT me. After I found out I asked around work and yep, I was the only one in the dark about this.

Also she doesn't party or anything anymore either. When I first asked her out, before I found out she was pregnant, I asked her if she'd like to have drinks and she said "I don't drink". At the time I thought that was unusal especially since that's kinda my nitche. I didn't put one and one together where she's not drinking because she's pregnant. She also doesn't have too much of a life outside of hanging out with her room mate (also a former co worker) as has been the trend for her since she's been here. I did some investigating, breaking my MYOB clause but I needed some information here.

She gave me an opportunity to back out of the whole thing but me, I had to go out like a gentleman and follow through with my intentions so as not too look like an a hole . I don't know why I care what people think of me but I do for some reason and my reputation around town is and always has been well groomed.

Also her family is butt rich so she doesn't need to worry about survival or anything. She has good work ethics, her own house that she's paid for, and is looking forward to being a single parent. I'm really the first guy she's dated since she broke up with her boyfriend (the one who knocked her up). I just don't see where this is going. I'm not sure I am ready to or am willing to get involved with the complexities of raising a child that isn't mine.

oh come on, not every single pregnant woman is looking for someone to marry and save her. you can take my word on it because i have been a single pregnant woman twice in my lifetime.
if she is a good woman and you want to date her , then thats up to you.
you gotta live life, and $hit happens.
however if you really dont want a relationship with someone who is going to have a baby, then you should be honest. she sounds like she would honestly understand .

the thing that stands out to me here is the biological angle -

she gets knocked up with someone else's seed and she needs another guy to take care of her (but not his) offspring... biological benefit to her (100), biological benefit to the guy (0)....

an evolutionary trap.

i agree that women can make things easy when it is convenient for them.

do as you will... but JUST in terms of the biology game, it's lose lose for you... unless of course you knock her up too. then it's only lose.

meh - just my tainted thoughts on it. ignore as necessary and luck.

delta

It's not too late to abort the fetus. If she really is the girl for you great - she should abort it and have yours.

Pen - I'm not sure if she's looking for me to "save" her per say. Ofcourse I don't know if she's not looking for a savior either. I'm not saying I don't want to date this girl, the situation is just different from what I'm use to so for once, I don't know what to expect and it makes it hard for me to come to terms with my predictions as to where the relationship could go. There are alot more obviouse factors in this situation then I'm use to.

Delta - I see what you're saying but again she doesn't really need me to take care of her. She's plenty strong on her own and it's not that she says it, that's the way I read her character and one of the reasons I wanted to date her in the first place.

Bignell - I am defenately not allowed to suggest that she abort her child. That's not something you as a guy are allowed to bring up in a case where the child isn't yours. I definately didn't say I want her to have my kid, as we've only gone out a few times now and I'm not sure if that's whre I want to go.

Devane - I don't know where you're coming up with the idea that pregnant women have to have zero social life. As long as she's making good healthy decisions then that's not really necessary. I'm the first guy she's gone out with since she broke up with her b/f (kinda making me the rebound guy which worries me as well) so it's not like she's "dating around" Besides that, she's not dating as in going to the bar and potentially poisioning her kid. She doesn't drink, she's been to the doctors several times to get check ups and advice about what she should be doing. (she had fruit for dessert at dinner because her doctor told her she wasn't getting enough) Having dinner with me and what not isn't baby threating activity.

PRMoon said:

She gave me an opportunity to back out of the whole thing but me, I had to go out like a gentleman and follow through with my intentions so as not too look like an a hole . I don't know why I care what people think of me but I do for some reason and my reputation around town is and always has been well groomed.
.

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I don't understand why you went if you don't want to see her since she's pregnant. Why would you look bad for pursuing only what you want? If other people have a problem it's their issues. If anything the woman SHE be looked down upon for getting pregnant outside of a solid relationship/marriage.

And even if people look down on you for it, why do you care?

Ruckus - I shouldn't of cared about what anybody thought if I declined to go out with her after finding out she's pregnant. Infact I should have taken that out when it was presented to me some time last week but I didn't now I'm in this spot. I probably wouldn't of looked bad in anyone's eyes because no one would have blamed me for not wanting to date some one who's pregnant. Still the fact remains, I made a choice (Be it an illadvised one) and I am digging this hole for some reason.

Devane - I guess I'm still missing your point. What do you mean "getting her sh*t together"? Can you explain a little more in depth what you mean by that? The rest of your post(s) I've already condicidered. I don't know what happened to her ex boyfriend, or if he even knows she's carrying his child. I'm not sure if I want to pursue this relationship to the point where I end up being this childs father either. Heck I could even just be her rebound guy after breaking up with her boyfriend and finding out she's pregnant. I'm litterally the first guy she's gone out with and I don't think she was expecting that at all. Is she settling? I dunno. All of these things will have to be resolved so I can get a decent picture on exactly what I want to do but honestly, right now I'm freakin lost.

Maybe I'm a bit dim - wait I'm definitely a bit dim - but I still think this is a valid question: WHO CARES that's she's pregnant? Who cares? Seriously, her being pregnant has major benefits. For one thing, her boobs get bigger. You get to witness the whole pregnancy (sonar, testing, how to be a parent etc) without any responsibility at all. Good preparation if you ever have nightmares of being a dad.

Most importantly, her already being pregnant means you can't possibly get her more pregnant.

Tell me, where is a single disadvantage to her being pregnant. She can't drink? That's obviously not what's bothering you.

When she actually has a kid, ok that might be weirder, but that's 7 months from now.

I think you're letting irrational fears control you. I don't care how stupid it sounds, get any objection to dating her on the table, right here, right now. I can honestly think of no reason you shouldn't date her. I would.

I think you're afraid you will marry her. You're afraid of ending up responsible for this child! I think you're afraid you'll feel terrible if you ever break up with her, for leaving her all alone with a kid. You're afraid you don't have the balls to ever break up with her if you go out with her. You're afraid because you would be pulling your hair out if you were in her shoes... you feel sorry for her! How would you be able to leave such a poor thing when she has no one else, you bad bad man? You'd feel downright selfish. And think of what would happen to your reputation around town for being so selfish!

Can I get an amen! Do you think you can just walk up to a bum on the street and get insight like that? Man, hell naw!

Izza

If you end up trying to play daddy to this kid and you live in the US, watch out.
Guys have ended up paying child support for kids that aren't theirs after assuming the father role and then bailing later.

Don't believe me? Google it, it's rare but happens.

izza said:

I think you're afraid you will marry her. You're afraid of ending up responsible for this child! I think you're afraid you'll feel terrible if you ever break up with her, for leaving her all alone with a kid. You're afraid you don't have the balls to ever break up with her if you go out with her. You're afraid because you would be pulling your hair out if you were in her shoes... you feel sorry for her! How would you be able to leave such a poor thing when she has no one else, you bad bad man? You'd feel downright selfish. And think of what would happen to your reputation around town for being so selfish!
Izza

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I think you're somewhat correct (even if you are a little over zelouse and preachy). My biggest fear here is my fear of the unknown. I'm use to being for the most part in control of the situation and can see where it's going and know how to manipulate things into changing if I need them too. In this case how ever I don't know where this is going to go and I have a lot less control of the situation and that makes me uncomfortable. Can still kind of guess where it's going and some of the outcomes are pretty terrifying for me. What if I do end up making her "the one" and we end up all till death do us part? What if she's just feeling vounerable and is with me because I didn't flinch when she told me she was pregnant and later decides she made a mistake and i'm commited at that point? What is my mother going to think (yeah her opinion is important) about me being in a relationship with a girl who already has a child on the way...actualy she'd probably be happy now that I look at that statment. Still these are things that I'm not use to dealing with especially since there's another innocent life inovolved here and I think that this is very important. I'm sure she'd/she'll be fine on her own but there are still some questions I want awnsered and so far I really dig this chick. Maybe I'll take it one day at a time and see where it goes.

izza,

some good points. but one bad thing - she gets fatter... not just her tits. that's as close to a deal breaker as there is.

prmoon,

she may have her stuff together but no matter how together she may be, being a single mom is not anyone's idea of a good time. trying to juggle JUST a job and a kid with no help can knock you the f out.

i don't know. in my mind, i still think she's got a pragmatic angle on this.

actually, it's funny - in thinking of this situation, i keeping thinking of the word "****old" even though it is not at all what it means... but it seems related... a "reverse cuckold"?

anyway, the part of me that recoils against the idea lies in the same region that recoils against adoption. biologically/evolutionarily speaking, you are being wrangled to care for someone else's genetic lineage.

that's the PURE ANIMAL consideration - without any consideration of social mores.

but in your situation, i may indeed opt to go for it anyway too... so good luck, keep your wits about you and do what ya gotta do.

delta

Thanks for the insite delta. I've seen what male lions do to cubs after they've overthrown the former pride leaders and I get the concept. I have dated single moms before so I THINK I wouldn't harbor any animosity towards the child but who knows right? What I'm more concerned with is the fact that I don't know who her ex (the actuall father) was. I don't know if he's aware that she's having his child, what the guy was like, why they broke up, etc etc. Part of me wants to meet the guy face to face, not so I can talk him up about getting back w/her for the sake of the child, or so I can tell him that I'm with her now and he's free to go, but so I can see what kind of shape he's in (mentally). I know that sounds weird but when presented with a conditioned situation I'm a very good observer and will better gauge what I need/want to do and where I can/want to go.

thanks for your advice on MY problem, so now let me give you advice on YOURS:

First off, i have never delt with anything like what you are dealing with. My advice is - get out, get out fast, and move on as fast as you can!!

You might be fine for now, but when her stomach starts to show, you will feel plain AWKWARD (if you choose to have a relationship with her that is), and it WILL eat u up inside knowing the baby is not yours........also, speaking of her ex bf the daddy, who says he wont come back into the picture to cause drama?? (its like what you said in MY thread about my girl's ex). He could come back, stalk her, stalk you, or try to win her back over........there are so many bad things that can come out of this!!!!

When I see that many negatives in the situation, I would just bail while I got my health (both physical and mental lol)

lol delta you need to get laid

PRMoon said:

I think you're somewhat correct (even if you are a little over zelouse and preachy). My biggest fear here is my fear of the unknown. I'm use to being for the most part in control of the situation and can see where it's going and know how to manipulate things into changing if I need them too. In this case how ever I don't know where this is going to go and I have a lot less control of the situation and that makes me uncomfortable. Can still kind of guess where it's going and some of the outcomes are pretty terrifying for me. What if I do end up making her "the one" and we end up all till death do us part? What if she's just feeling vounerable and is with me because I didn't flinch when she told me she was pregnant and later decides she made a mistake and i'm commited at that point? What is my mother going to think (yeah her opinion is important) about me being in a relationship with a girl who already has a child on the way...actualy she'd probably be happy now that I look at that statment. Still these are things that I'm not use to dealing with especially since there's another innocent life inovolved here and I think that this is very important. I'm sure she'd/she'll be fine on her own but there are still some questions I want awnsered and so far I really dig this chick. Maybe I'll take it one day at a time and see where it goes.

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Fear of the unknown bahahaha. Ok Captain Kirk.

Here's what's going to happen. You're going to ignore what I say, which is only normal, and think I'm wrong or not quite hitting the mark. Then in about three months, one day, if you're really lucky, you're gonna be like "oh sh!t that guy was right." Right now, you see me as too arrogant, to self-sure - which is absolutely true.

The problem with most of what I say is this: I know myself better than most people. It's not an idle boast like "oh I was born with nice hands." No, I've made enormous lists of people events of my life, I relive them, I remember exactly how I felt at given moments, even when one instant later my true feelings disappeared and I said to myself "striking out doesn't bother me." The one lesson I've learned is that we live in utter ignorance of how we actually feel about things. The problem is, when I post advice, people are like "that's not true, that's not me." Uh, sorry, yeah it is. We're not so different you and I, we both piss and crap, we both walk on two legs, if you know what I mean.

Not that I can't possibly be wrong - oh man I'm wrong allll the time. Maybe I'm wrong here again. If nothing hits you in the shower in about three months, I stand corrected. Three months is about how long it takes to connect somebody's advice you don't want to hear with emotional experience. Right now, I can say something and you will either accept or reject it based on its logic and how well it fits with what you believe already. It takes about three months to see if it connects with what you know emotionally.

I'll put it all in one sentence for you: you're afraid you're going to fall in love with her. Right now you are mentally sorting through all the various scenarios that would entail - getting beat up by the ex, scorned by your mom etc. Most of all, it would entail change from your status quo and your eye-glazing routines. Everybody secretly loves the status quo, you are no different.

fvck you bvbidd.

delta

One correction: Three months is how long it takes to connect experience with theory whether you logically agree with a person or not.

Good luck bro, she sounds like a great girl. Nothing wrong with one day at a time.

izza said:

One correction: Three months is how long it takes to connect experience with theory whether you logically agree with a person or not.

Good luck bro, she sounds like a great girl. Nothing wrong with one day at a time.

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Yeah I'm scared of falling for her (and the child which is important to note) THEN having things go horribly wrong. Though they say better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, I think the commitment here, especially for me personally, and then losing said commitment would be life changing.

Okay so three months, at least there's some what of a time line there and one day at a time for three months there abouts, we'll see where I am at that point...If I even make it that far day by day.

Ultimately, I want to get married and have kids of my own and for alot of people, it comes out of nowhere and when you least expect it. Honestly I don't have much more to acheive with women other then a serious commitment, possibly marriage and children. I've been "the outlaw" for the better part of 9 years now. In these last 4 years in vegas, I've done/experience more then the average guy will in his entire life. Maybe this is destinies way of hinting to me that it might be time for me to hang up the six shooters.

prmoon - if you have ****ed enough random girls in ur life already, then serious LTR is the only way to go for you!

problem is, THIS girl would really mess you up in the long run, look at my post from before in this thread