Drinkers and Non-Drinkers

sosimpole · 09-27-2006, 09:42 AM

Hey guys, I need some input. I've been dating this girl (LTR) on and off for the past 6 years. The last three years, we have not communicated at all. Well, we decided to give it one more shot. I'm about a month deep in the relationship so far, and I've got one issue, other than that, everything is all gravy. In the past year I quit drinking alchohol. It's something that I thought I would never be able to do. Well, she still drinks...and actually has persuaded me into drinking twice so far. I feel as though I am compromising my integrity by drinking and feel horrible about it. I can't be with a girl that drinks....I just can't. The temptation is too great....and I could easily slip back to my old habits. How do I tell her this in an elegant and classy way? This girl is wifey material, so I don't want to bounce out.....any insight you guys have on this would be most helpful.

RecoveringAFC · 09-27-2006, 10:09 AM

Just tell her strait out. If she really is wifey material she'll respect that and not bother you anymore. I don't drink either. No real reason why, just don't. It's never been an issue in any relationship I've been in.

Francisco d'Anconia · 09-27-2006, 10:24 AM

Yeah, you're sacrificing your lifestyle for someone who doesn't respect your choices. Either be steadfast in your lifestyle choice and not waver or drop the girl because she is a bad influence.

squirrels · 09-27-2006, 10:32 AM

If it's THAT important to you, yeah, break it off, but it sounds like you're just being weak-willed and blaming her.

I mean, is she a lush? Does she get obnoxiously drunk or stumbling-trashed? If so, I can understand where you're coming from. If not, then you need to get over it, because the majority of people DO drink in social situations and you're really limiting yourself if you can't go into an environment like that and resist the temptation.

But whatever works best for you.

wayword · 09-27-2006, 10:45 AM

Let's face it, EVE was the downfall of MAN. Since the dawn of time, women are weak to temptation and immune to logical responsibility. They are childlike creatures.

And, curiosity killed the cat...

Latinoman · 09-27-2006, 10:49 AM

A "drunk" wifey material?

Give me a break!

Latinoman · 09-27-2006, 10:51 AM

Note:
Relationships are about compromise. There is no other way around that. However, there are two things you should NEVER compromise

1- Your Values/Moral
2- Your Self-Respect

Please note that not compromising your Masculinity is technically a by-product of #2.

amoka · 09-27-2006, 11:12 AM

Why don't you tell her to drink in moderation and not on regular basis. Just like other fellas have stated ealier, your girl should understand if she is trully a "wifey" person....

Latinoman · 09-27-2006, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amoka

Why don't you tell her to drink in moderation and not on regular basis. Just like other fellas have stated ealier, your girl should understand if she is trully a "wifey" person....

You don't tell a woman what to do when it comes to her habits. I mean, she is not his daughter.

All you can do is say that it "bothers" you that she drinks too much. Or something to that effect. She will get the point. In fact, you can say very early in a relationship that you would never marry a drunk.

They will get the hint. If they truly want to be with you...they will adjust that behavior.

Mr. Fancy Pants · 09-27-2006, 02:07 PM

She is not "wifey material." Do you want a wife that supports you for trying to better your life or do you want a wife that brings you down to her level?

You are compromising your integrity. You should never be with a woman that forces you to do this.

There is no need to tell her in a classy way. Tell her you are looking for a woman that doesn't drink and she doesn't fit the bill. Then tell her goodbye.

wayword · 09-27-2006, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Fancy Pants

There is no need to tell her in a classy way. Tell her you are looking for a woman that doesn't drink and she doesn't fit the bill. Then tell her goodbye.

Why just tell her? DO it first, THEN tell her if you want...

Actions speak louder than words, my friend. And always better to SHOW, then TELL.

sosimpole · 09-27-2006, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Latinoman

You don't tell a woman what to do when it comes to her habits. I mean, she is not his daughter.

Exactly...I don't want to come off as some controlling jerk....

sosimpole · 09-27-2006, 06:10 PM

Do you guys think the indirect approach is the way to go? Dropping hints like "I would never marry a lush." Or should I sit her down and have a talk?

Latinoman · 09-28-2006, 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sosimpole

Do you guys think the indirect approach is the way to go? Dropping hints like "I would never marry a lush." Or should I sit her down and have a talk?

Communication is VERY important. After all, people don't read minds. And women would take advantage of men IF we allow it. Another thing, she is very young and she can actually be "shaped" if done correctly (especially if she is more into you that you are into her - but that's another topic).

Personally, I tend to send "hints" by talking about "values". No preaching...but talking. Many times I use the News as a way to provide what I feel is wrong with society, etc. (e.g. Paul McCarthy from the Beatles losing 50% of his networth in the divorce and how AFC he was). But my situation is different, because I am not with a woman in her 20s.

Once again, it is NOT preaching, but more of adding a bit here and a bit there. And of course, NEVER overdoing it (you don't want to be considered a pesimist or whiner).

If she starts behaving a certain way...I simply talk to her. I don't and won't tell her what to do. I would simply say that certain things make me uncomfortable or that I don't like them. However, NEVER tell her what to do (unless it deals with your house, children, YOUR vehicle, YOUR finances). Simply tell her what you like or dislike and try to reach a compromise...but under the understanding that you cannot compromise your values nor your self-respect.

And also make her understand that you have some deal breakers. However, if you have a deal breaker and you share it with her, you better be SURE it is a REAL deal breaker (e.g. you would walk away NO SECOND CHANCES if she does it). Because if you share a deal breaker with her and she still does it and you end up giving her a second chance...she will NEVER respect you as a man.

And avoid ultimatums.

09-27-2006, 09:42 AM	#1
sosimpole Don Juan Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: OC, CA Age: 32 Posts: 5	Drinkers and Non-Drinkers Hey guys, I need some input. I've been dating this girl (LTR) on and off for the past 6 years. The last three years, we have not communicated at all. Well, we decided to give it one more shot. I'm about a month deep in the relationship so far, and I've got one issue, other than that, everything is all gravy. In the past year I quit drinking alchohol. It's something that I thought I would never be able to do. Well, she still drinks...and actually has persuaded me into drinking twice so far. I feel as though I am compromising my integrity by drinking and feel horrible about it. I can't be with a girl that drinks....I just can't. The temptation is too great....and I could easily slip back to my old habits. How do I tell her this in an elegant and classy way? This girl is wifey material, so I don't want to bounce out.....any insight you guys have on this would be most helpful.

09-27-2006, 10:32 AM	#4
squirrels Master Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: A universe...where heartbreak and sadness have been replaced...by Old Spice Age: 33 Posts: 6,682	If it's THAT important to you, yeah, break it off, but it sounds like you're just being weak-willed and blaming her. I mean, is she a lush? Does she get obnoxiously drunk or stumbling-trashed? If so, I can understand where you're coming from. If not, then you need to get over it, because the majority of people DO drink in social situations and you're really limiting yourself if you can't go into an environment like that and resist the temptation. But whatever works best for you. __________________ What you know does not matter - what you do matters. - Mark Twight I've seen a million faces...and I've rocked 'em all!

09-27-2006, 10:45 AM	#5
wayword Master Don Juan Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: BFE Posts: 1,491	Let's face it, EVE was the downfall of MAN. Since the dawn of time, women are weak to temptation and immune to logical responsibility. They are childlike creatures. And, curiosity killed the cat... __________________ "The best way to find the women of your dreams is..." "Women would rather share a successful man than..." Want advice from a 42-yo single mom with 4 kids and an ex-con ex?

09-27-2006, 10:09 AM	#2
RecoveringAFC Don Juan Join Date: Sep 2006 Age: 38 Posts: 45	Just tell her strait out. If she really is wifey material she'll respect that and not bother you anymore. I don't drink either. No real reason why, just don't. It's never been an issue in any relationship I've been in.

09-27-2006, 10:49 AM	#6
Latinoman Master Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2006 Age: 45 Posts: 4,062	A "drunk" wifey material? Give me a break!

09-27-2006, 10:51 AM	#7
Latinoman Master Don Juan Join Date: Apr 2006 Age: 45 Posts: 4,062	Note: Relationships are about compromise. There is no other way around that. However, there are two things you should NEVER compromise 1- Your Values/Moral 2- Your Self-Respect Please note that not compromising your Masculinity is technically a by-product of #2.

09-27-2006, 11:12 AM	#8
amoka Master Don Juan Join Date: Jan 2006 Age: 32 Posts: 1,686	Why don't you tell her to drink in moderation and not on regular basis. Just like other fellas have stated ealier, your girl should understand if she is trully a "wifey" person....

09-27-2006, 02:07 PM	#10
Mr. Fancy Pants Don Juan Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 26	She is not "wifey material." Do you want a wife that supports you for trying to better your life or do you want a wife that brings you down to her level? You are compromising your integrity. You should never be with a woman that forces you to do this. There is no need to tell her in a classy way. Tell her you are looking for a woman that doesn't drink and she doesn't fit the bill. Then tell her goodbye.

09-27-2006, 06:10 PM	#13
sosimpole Don Juan Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: OC, CA Age: 32 Posts: 5	Do you guys think the indirect approach is the way to go? Dropping hints like "I would never marry a lush." Or should I sit her down and have a talk?