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Old 07-26-2006, 09:58 AM   #1
8ball
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Thumbs down Wife treats me like dog sh*t. How can I turn this around?

Hey gang...it's been awhile.

My wife shows absolutely zero affection or interest. She initiates no contact, hasn't kissed me in years, doesn't touch me, say "I love you". When I go to hug her, she stiffens up and looks away.

I have to always ASK for sex. And it's in the dark, missionary only, and she doesn't kiss or even put her arms around me.

She gives me zero respect and shows zero appreciation for anything I do for her. I am always, always praising her.

I kiss her ass, constantly compliment her, and try to put an upbeat spin on things, but this is wearing me down. I would leave her, but it is just not financially feasible at this point. I have to stay for the time being.

Yeah...I know I'm being AFC. What steps do I need to take to get her attracted or interested?

I need a good kick in the ass here. Can you guys set me straight?
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Old 07-26-2006, 10:05 AM   #2
Desdinova
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The relationship is damaged beyond repair. There's no point in carrying on with this charade. When a woman loses all respect for you, there's no winning it back while you're in the relationship.

You know it as well as I do. It's time to move on.

I'm going to ask you, why are you willing to stay in an unhappy living situation? Being there is only going to make you feel like 5hit. ANYTHING is better than living with a wife who doesn't love you.

You're already dependent on her for financial reasons. You need to break that "bond" and move on with your life. Become financially dependent on yourself. There is no need to depend on someone who doesn't respect you.
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Old 07-26-2006, 10:10 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desdinova
I'm going to ask you, why are you willing to stay in an unhappy living situation? Being there is only going to make you feel like 5hit. ANYTHING is better than living with a wife who doesn't love you.

You're already dependent on her for financial reasons.

I can't leave her. I am too far in debt and the subsequent child support payments would put me on the street.

Before I can entertain the thought of leaving her, I have to alleviate some of this crushing debt.

I could go bankrupt, but then, how could I get a place to live?

I have to stay for the time being, no matter how unattractive the option.
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Old 07-26-2006, 10:27 AM   #4
Bonhomme
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First things first: stop kissing her ass and always complimenting her.

Part of the reason she doesn't respect you is that you're being such a wussy. Start standing up to her, don't be available or ask for sex, and you might find her attraction to you increases...
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Old 07-26-2006, 11:20 AM   #5
NewMan
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your fvcked.

In the meantime -

1 Stop kissing her ass

2 stop showing her affection - asking for sex

3 stop telling her you love her

4 clean up your finances

5 be a man
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Old 07-26-2006, 11:24 AM   #6
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You have been here for 4 years and have not applied anything from the community, why haven't you???
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Old 07-26-2006, 11:38 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJDamage
You have been here for 4 years and have not applied anything from the community, why haven't you???


My wife and I were separated for two years. During this time, I applied a great deal from this community with fantastic results.

The dynamic is different when small children are involved (at least for me). I want the relationship to work so bad, and want everyone to be happy, that I morph into a wuss hoping to make things OK.

It hope this makes some sense.
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:04 PM   #8
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I'm inclined to agree with DESDINOVA, but I think you should try a takeaway before you write her off. Your attention has become worthless to her because she never has to earn it - make her earn it now. Affection, compliments, etc. in a marriage should be reciprocal, but they are based on desire. Your wife has no desire for you because your attention is a given and therefore valueless. You wont be getting laid with any more frequency or intensity by removing your attention from her. You'll be surprised by her reaction to your takeaway. When you do, be sure to make it matter of fact and not sulking - you have to be all business.

How long have you been married? How old are the kids? What kind of debt are you facing? It would help to know details before formulating a plan.
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:32 PM   #9
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With the economy as far in the sh1tter as it is, improving one's financial situation independently is far easier said than done.

Rollo T put it better than I did. That's what you need to do to reverse the dynamic in your marriage.
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:37 PM   #10
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I should be debt free in about 2 years.
The kids are 5 and 1.

I'm inclined to think now that the kids would be better off in a household where the parents are divorced but happy, than in a household where the parents are married and miserable.

I agree with the "takeaway" approach and I am going to employ it for the time being. The millisecond I am debt free and my credit is repaired I am moving into an apartment and starting a new life.

I can't see living this way for the rest of my life.
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
I can't leave her. I am too far in debt and the subsequent child support payments would put me on the street.

Well, let's look at what you've got right now...

- A woman who doesn't like you
- debt

Let's look at what you'd have if you left her

- debt
- freedom to date any woman you like

But I have to agree with Rollo. You need to come up with a plan. Also don't assume that she automatically gets the kids. Perhaps you can work out joint custody.
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Old 07-26-2006, 01:03 PM   #12
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Plan sounds good, 8ball. And you're right on that it would be better for the kids to have parents that are happily divorced than unhappily married. But make sure to save up for a good lawyer to make sure you don't get it up the azz, and don't have your kids cut out of your life.
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Old 07-26-2006, 01:03 PM   #13
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If you are going to stay in this relationship, have you talked to your wife about councilling?

If you have and she flat out refused, I am more inclined to believe that she is cheating on you. Which I would confirm with hiring a private eye.
Someone that finds you so dispicable that does what she is doing, makes me believe that she is fooling around behind your back or is at least thinking about it.

I would definitely ask her about going to marraige councilling together.
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Old 07-26-2006, 01:59 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8ball
Hey gang...it's been awhile.

My wife shows absolutely zero affection or interest. She initiates no contact, hasn't kissed me in years, doesn't touch me, say "I love you". When I go to hug her, she stiffens up and looks away.

I have to always ASK for sex. And it's in the dark, missionary only, and she doesn't kiss or even put her arms around me.

She gives me zero respect and shows zero appreciation for anything I do for her. I am always, always praising her.

I kiss her ass, constantly compliment her, and try to put an upbeat spin on things, but this is wearing me down. I would leave her, but it is just not financially feasible at this point. I have to stay for the time being.

Yeah...I know I'm being AFC. What steps do I need to take to get her attracted or interested?

I need a good kick in the ass here. Can you guys set me straight?

What you have to remember is that people change every 7 years. Their interests change and they are not the same person they used to be. Your wife most likely doesn't understand that. You have to make her aware of that. You need to remind her of the oath that she took when she was married to you. Marriage is not about a selfish desire. It is about giving yourself to the other person.

What you need to do is study up one what a marriage is about. You need to start teaching her about these things. Her father most likely failed in his role in preparing his daughter for marriage. So, you have your work cut out for you.

Don't forget that you are the husband and as such YOU are the head of the family regardless of what your wife thinks.

What troubles me is that there are many people here who want you to break up with her. I say that they are cowards and you would be the coward to leave your children. Unlike what opra thinks, Marriage is not about YOU it is about the other person and your children. Your wife needs to realize that and she needs to start giving and showing appreciation for you. This can change but it will take a few years. You have to hang in there and you need to attack this problem.

Sometimes you have to set your wife (and children) right with you. Stop pretending that everything is ok when it isn't. Finally, stop rewarding her for being so nasty to you!
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Old 07-26-2006, 02:09 PM   #15
Luveno
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Try what the other guys say.
However, think about it this way: if she's not getting it from you, she's getting it elsewhere.
Therefore, my course of action would be to hire a PI, and to install a keylogger on your computer, so that if you do catch her in an affair, you can break it off at no cost to you.
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Old 07-26-2006, 02:28 PM   #16
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Takeaway + self-improvement, repeat as necessary if/until she respects you again.
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Old 07-26-2006, 02:59 PM   #17
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Id rather live 20 years happy than 80 living a hell.

First Off, **** Her! Stop kissing her ass hell even avoid her. Work on improving yourself, study for that dream job, take that dream hobby.

Do you want to enjoy YOUR life?
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Old 07-26-2006, 06:15 PM   #18
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You need to get yourself over to mASF pronto and do a search in the relationships board for all posts by 'esk6969' concerning betaisation.....he chronicles a successful turnaround in his marrige of 10 years plus.

He started out in pretty much the same situation as yourself and over a period of 6 months or so by using the principles and advice from franco,Ocean Eyes etc. he managed to get his balls back from his wife and is now in the process of building his dream life with his family.....you really need to read a real life example of how this stuff works,what hurdles you can expect and how to handle them if you want to have any chance of pulling this off...this ain't the time for theories and what not.

Good luck!

P.S. You MUST be FULLY prepared to destroy the relationship completely if you are to have any chance in rescuing it.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:57 PM   #19
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8ball, I sure hope your not trolling us cause you have noted every single AFC behaviour that exists; but I'll take a whack at it:

Basic Economics: Are both your names on the lease/deed?

If both, then neither one can throw the other out no matter what you do. Can't change locks either, even if she leaves.

Upstanding citizen crap:

Do you do or say stuff that would make you look like a looser in front of a judge? If not, you have a chance. If so CHange it.

Legal crap:

Does your state/locality screw men in a divorce? Some do, some don't. FIND OUT!

Evil Bastard Angle:

Can you drive her nuts and make her go away without being abusive or not being an upstanding citizen? Many cannot, but some can and, yes, it works.

Inside/Outside game:

This is the overreaching paradigm: In my work I visit many offices and hear much *****ing and complaining about people's supervisors or overall management, and their love lives.

They/YOU have two choices: 1) Work from within the system (marriage/work/whatever) as you have more leverage/potential to change it from within. 2) GET OUT. But give up on influencing the system cause you have no leverage from without.

I really do have a hard time believing you have been on this site so long and have not implemented the concepts here. I mean, seriously, if you REALLY have not tried the stuff here, then she is way over-ripe to be properly DJ'd. It will blind-side her if what you have told us is true. No sh*t, would'nt it be nice to have her patiently waiting to suck your dink while you finish watching sportscenter? Only partially kidding here dude.
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Old 07-26-2006, 09:14 PM   #20
Francisco d'Anconia
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Damn, I though I could be a cold @ss son of a b1tch but some of you guys are raw like sushi! 8Ball knows the mistakes he's made and the fact is that whatever AFC-like things he did, he was getting some type of payoff for it. Whatever it was, what's done is done.

What no one has asked as of yet is why his woman is acting the way she is. Without knowing why she's being distant why would a guy give up? That sounds pretty AFC to me.

8Ball, think back to the last time things seemed alright. What happened later that would have pissed of your girl? You need to find out what that may be and ask her about it. If she gives you some off the wall answer and has no interest in going further then it's your call whether to beat a dead horse or not. If she tells your why, the two of you could have a chance to turn things around.

The fact is a woman who wants out wouldn't have sex with you. If she tells you (even in a round about way) what's going on, it's a definite sign that she wants things to change. That's at least a starting point to steer things toward the right direction.
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