Knock Some Sense Into Me (please)

JooJooBean · Apr 17, 2014

So I'm back to post again. It seems I only come back to complain and ask for help, but then again, where else am I going to go.

So after I last posted here over a year ago, I solved my issues with a past girl without a hitch. In fact, she still occasionally contacts me from time to time, which is a first for me in terms of exes. It shocks me how much contact you get back when you basically tell a woman "nope, go away" in a calm and determined manner. I never tried to get back with her. She eventually asked me to call and message her, but I ended up refraining.

Fast forward though, while I've read plenty of Red Pill material since then, I've found myself finally just following my normal impulses and plunging back in. I tried online dating. That sucked. No need to elaborate.

I eventually got hooked up with someone through a mutual friend. It was a girl that I had generated plenty of attraction with over a year ago, and here we were getting in contact. I decided to go for it, and two dates later we're doing the usual ****ing.

But here's the part where I need sense knocked into me.

22. Single mom. Two kids. One dude for the kids. He's older than me (I'm 31). Both pregnancies were accidents, and within a year of each other. They're not together now, but still raise their kids and such. On top of that, the girlfriend's dad is quite racist and 5 months in doesn't know I exist. Mom's passed on.

So I literally went and just LTR'd this person, it's going reasonably well, but only for now. In my heart and head, I'm feeling like this is a train wreck that's just waiting to crash.

I don't sweet talk, or apologize. I don't let her rule me around. I'm not raising her kids. I don't buy stuff. It's actually quite a good relationship in that regard. Sex is great. But... yeah, I can't be objective. Lately, she has to work a lot to make money, I see her here and there, I get sex when I want. I guess that's all fine and good. I'm in shape, I work out, I have reasonable social skills, I work, I have goals, I've accomplished things. I'm not worried about any of that.

Just more reasonably, I think I'm the kind of guy that just likes LTR's... but I guess that's ultimately a bad thing. I realize I'm rambling... but I'm super confused with what I'm doing right now. I like the girl, but it I suppose the Red Pill would tell me that I'm making a really dumb decision.

No worries, I haven't proposed or moved in or done anything like that.

speed dawg · Apr 17, 2014

Before I start, let me say this: DO NOT get involved with her kids. If you have any dignity at all, let them be. Let their dad be their dad. Don't f*ck with that. Give them a chance to grow up normally and not be messed up in the head, ie at least give them a chance to respect their mother, even if she doesn't deserve it. It's about the kids, not you.

Now, after that. Red flag #1: Single mom. Red flag #2: Dad doesn't like you. Those are two pretty big disadvantages right there. So ask yourself if you really want to fight that battle daily. I don't care if he's racist, it's just how it is. That's the reality of the situation.

I suggest you pump and dump. And pack it up please, do not get this chick pregnant. Have her come to your place and be your f*ck buddy. However, I sense from your post that you're already involved heavily with this chick so all my advice could be rendered useless.

To answer your question about LTRs - this doesn't seem the one. Sorry. Look for a better match.

The_411 · Apr 17, 2014

JooJooBean said:
So I'm back to post again. It seems I only come back to complain and ask for help, but then again, where else am I going to go.

So after I last posted here over a year ago, I solved my issues with a past girl without a hitch. In fact, she still occasionally contacts me from time to time, which is a first for me in terms of exes. It shocks me how much contact you get back when you basically tell a woman "nope, go away" in a calm and determined manner. I never tried to get back with her. She eventually asked me to call and message her, but I ended up refraining.

Fast forward though, while I've read plenty of Red Pill material since then, I've found myself finally just following my normal impulses and plunging back in. I tried online dating. That sucked. No need to elaborate.

I eventually got hooked up with someone through a mutual friend. It was a girl that I had generated plenty of attraction with over a year ago, and here we were getting in contact. I decided to go for it, and two dates later we're doing the usual ****ing.

But here's the part where I need sense knocked into me.

22. Single mom. Two kids. One dude for the kids. He's older than me (I'm 31). Both pregnancies were accidents, and within a year of each other. They're not together now, but still raise their kids and such. On top of that, the girlfriend's dad is quite racist and 5 months in doesn't know I exist. Mom's passed on.

So I literally went and just LTR'd this person, it's going reasonably well, but only for now. In my heart and head, I'm feeling like this is a train wreck that's just waiting to crash.

I don't sweet talk, or apologize. I don't let her rule me around. I'm not raising her kids. I don't buy stuff. It's actually quite a good relationship in that regard. Sex is great. But... yeah, I can't be objective. Lately, she has to work a lot to make money, I see her here and there, I get sex when I want. I guess that's all fine and good. I'm in shape, I work out, I have reasonable social skills, I work, I have goals, I've accomplished things. I'm not worried about any of that.

Just more reasonably, I think I'm the kind of guy that just likes LTR's... but I guess that's ultimately a bad thing. I realize I'm rambling... but I'm super confused with what I'm doing right now. I like the girl, but it I suppose the Red Pill would tell me that I'm making a really dumb decision.

No worries, I haven't proposed or moved in or done anything like that.

I'd get out like yesterday.

Red flags:
1. single mom
2. 2 kids at 22
3. 2 "accidental" pregnancies
4. Dad is a racist
5. Mom is dead
6. Gut tells you it's going to be a train wreck.

You already know this won't end well so why stick around. At 31 you can get a 22 year old without all that baggage.

hithard · Apr 17, 2014

Yeah its a train wreck in the making and you know it, yet you are still getting on board.
In cases like this it usually comes down to lack of options. Listen you can enjoy a girls company like the above if you have a few more plates spinning (but as a rule avoid girls with this many red flags) but don't use LTR in the same sentence.

If you are after an LTR know what you are looking for:
what qualities
what look
Personality
job etc
You need to know what you want, not what you can grab a hold of in desperation from lack of options. You then need to start dating, spinning plates till you can comfortably get into the mindset of not wanting to instantly LTR a chick with issues. More from the frame of which one ticks the boxes of what I want in a woman.

So start practicing the social game a bit more and date a lot more women to help form a better picture and skill set into what it is you actually want. Imo ltr one wrong woman at a time will waste years of your life.

zekko · Apr 18, 2014

JooJooBean said:
Just more reasonably, I think I'm the kind of guy that just likes LTR's... but I guess that's ultimately a bad thing

Don't let sites like this brainwash you into thinking that's a bad thing.
It's only a bad thing if you settle for low quality.

The_411 said:
5. Mom is dead

Just curious, why is this a red flag?

The_411 said:
At 31 you can get a 22 year old without all that baggage.

True. And note that the baby daddy is even older. I point this out because there are some on the general forum who maintain that girls that age only want to fvck guys from their peer group (other guys their age).

Bible_Belt · Apr 18, 2014

Every time there is a sosuave thread about a relationship, the consensus advice is always RUN!!!!!

LTR can mean different things. It can mean monogamous fvck-buddy, or it can mean marriage. The red flags about this girl are red flags if you're going to marry her. Is that the coming train wreck you see?

There's nothing wrong with wanting a wife, if that is what you want. But regardless, you have to know what you want before you can tell if a relationship is going to give it to you.

hithard · Apr 18, 2014

zekko said:
Just curious, why is this a red flag?

.

In my experiance its been a big flag. Seems to be the domain of bpd or other behavior issues. There can be a fair bit of white knighting to help them through their issues.
These are the girls who have lost a parent at a young age though.

Colossus · Apr 18, 2014

You know I had to go through several sh!tty, awful relationships before I realized what a good one is. Maybe it's the same with you.

The_411 · Apr 18, 2014

zekko said:
Just curious, why is this a red flag?

Zekko,

A parent's death affects people. Of course it will make a difference when and why it happened, but chances are it's going to create baggage.

It's what I'd call a secondary red flag which is something that requires close scrutiny and when seen in conjunction with other red flags it becomes a big issue because in most cases it tends to underline the source of the issues for an individual.

I wouldn't drop a girl for a parent having been deceased but I'd damn well get to the bottom of what happened and when it happened and I'd also look for other red flags before moving forward.

In this case it's just a cherry on top of a crazy sundae.

Click to expand...

JooJooBean · Apr 18, 2014

Well, the parent death was right after high school. Then baby daddy plus two kids immediately after. Her home life is pretty crappy. But this is the dialogue I was hoping for. Ill play by ear. No bpd thus far.

Scormus · Apr 18, 2014

Dock 1.5 points for each kid.

So if she is an 8 that makes her a 5 as an LTR.

speed dawg · Apr 18, 2014

Bible_Belt said:
Every time there is a sosuave thread about a relationship, the consensus advice is always RUN!!!!!

Not necessarily for a bad reason. Most threads are started because there is some sort of problem to begin with.

The_411 · Apr 18, 2014

Bible_Belt said:
Every time there is a sosuave thread about a relationship, the consensus advice is always RUN!!!!!

LTR can mean different things. It can mean monogamous fvck-buddy, or it can mean marriage. The red flags about this girl are red flags if you're going to marry her. Is that the coming train wreck you see?

There's nothing wrong with wanting a wife, if that is what you want. But regardless, you have to know what you want before you can tell if a relationship is going to give it to you.

Bible_Belt,

If you have ask other people about a relationship on a message board, chances are the relationship is a hot mess or heading in that direction in a hurry.

hithard · Apr 18, 2014

Colossus said:
You know I had to go through several sh!tty, awful relationships before I realized what a good one is. Maybe it's the same with you.

I think its the same for the majority of guys that start out. The more options you have on the table the less likely you are to overlook all the red flags. Dating a few at a time also means you are less likely to have all your focus pushing you into the arms of a girl with issues. Having one girl at a time leads the brain to think 'this is my option' instead of 'what is the best option for me.
I don't really have a problem with the op dating a girl like this. Just make sure you are not coming from a place of beta neediness, cause it starts with a lay and ends in a nightmare.

Just remember for each red flag you see it means you have to put in an extra x amount of work into the relationship if it does go LTR. So the higher the list gets the less you get to do for yourself, the more stress you take on and the more backward you will go. Oh and just don't knock her up. Considering her track record, one guy ruined on her is enough.

Die Hard · Apr 18, 2014

September 2012, you asking advice on your relationship:

JooJooBean said:
Dated a 22 year old single mom. A year in, and relationship starts to wane a bit.

April 2014, you asking advice on another relationship:

JooJooBean said:
22. Single mom. Two kids.

Do you plan to get into a relationship with every 22 year old single mom on the planet???

Anyway, your problem is very clear. Forget about red flags, forget about her, the dead mom, the racist dad, the kids etc. That's all of secondary importance.
The real problem here is the fact that you decided to get into a LTR with a girl while you have only been involved with her for a short while. You have allowed yourself to become too attached, too fast...

That's what your gut is warning you about. Your gut feeling is not about HER and whether she is a good girl for you, it's about YOU and whether you should commit so much to a girl so soon.

And your gut is right. You've agreed to be exclusive with this girl, I assume you've actually said this with words and you are probably saying it with your actions too, behaving like the two of you are a real couple...
Which is all too much too soon. You like LTR's too much, you get into them way too easily and seem to have a very simplistic view of what it means to be in one, along these lines:

1. I like her and she likes me
2. We have expressed this to each other
3. So now we're together
4. THE END

That's how 12 year olds do it... They go out on one date, kiss each other, hold hands, then agree: "We are now going steady, we are now boyfriend and girlfriend, we are in a long term relationship." As if the decision to be in an LTR automatically means there will be an LTR...

You can't put the cart before the horse, man. Yet, it seems that you are trying to do just that...

JooJooBean · Apr 28, 2014

You're right.

As an update. It's done. The red flags and everything else came to a head. I could feel it ending weeks ago, hence my posting, but as usual I didn't have the balls to face and call a spade a spade.

Right around February or March, her **** in life just became too much. Between the job, the unaccepting family, a broken down car, and my own busy schedule... well, yeah, we grew apart, as she put it.

But then again, I was constant. She grew apart from me. Tonight was ****ty. I told her to come over, and when she wouldn't even embrace me enough to sleep with me, I knew it was done. We hung out, I kissed here and there, then just told her the anxiety I was feeling, and she pretty much gave the classic, "I don't know what I want right now, in my life" line, that every man has heard before.

I have to say, on top of accepting women as LTR's far too quickly, I must also say that I seem to pick women that I will never be enough for. I couldn't have been more stable. I wasn't needy, I didn't call or text every friggin' day, I was sexy and aggressive when needed. But ultimately it wasn't enough. I told her no judgment and said she needs to move on. And that was that. A hug, the end.

I kind of feel pathetic about it. Indignant. I let myself do the single mommy thing twice. And both times it was a big "thanks, but no thanks."

And on top of that, I think to myself, "okay, your life will get stable later down the road you'll simply move out, and then just find another **** or two to ride, perhaps something better (she is pretty high smv... I just don't have money or logistics to support two kids and fight a racist family). And that's that.

It's like I just dance for nothing. Granted, you could say I got sex, and I needed it, especially from a girl like her. But now that I'm content, I almost feel like... really, that was it? I'm just... done.

Shake reality into me? I suppose I should secretly be cheering. No outside drama to even worry about.

Knock Some Sense Into Me (please)

JooJooBean

Don Juan

speed dawg

Master Don Juan

The_411

Master Don Juan

hithard

Master Don Juan

zekko

Master Don Juan

Bible_Belt

Master Don Juan

hithard

Master Don Juan

Colossus

Master Don Juan

The_411

Master Don Juan

JooJooBean

Don Juan

Scormus

Senior Don Juan

speed dawg

Master Don Juan

The_411

Master Don Juan

hithard

Master Don Juan

Die Hard

Master Don Juan

JooJooBean

Don Juan