Updates on WTF is going on

This was my last thread where I broke up with a chick I was seeing:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=213602

It's been difficult getting over that one. She was pretty damn hot. She wanted to try and work it out, and I stupidly went for it. Of course, it didn't and she got herself into a LTR five days later with a guy she's known for 8 years. That hurts a bit, but I'll get over it.

Some of the people who commented in that thread mentioned that I may have pulled the trigger a bit quick on it. This has been a problem ever since I kicked my ex-wife out of my house, and here it was to haunt me again. I've been trying to figure out why I've been like this for the last 4 years. I used to think things through before pulling the trigger, but now I get these emotional surges and I act on them. Not a good thing!

I thought about my marriage and how the bytch was never home during those 6 years. I was lonely as hell while married. So this time, I REALLY started thinking about it, and wondered if I had abandonment issues. I did a search, and came up with experiences that mirrored exactly how I terminated this last relationship.

So I went to a counselling session and I did more searching. I eventually came across a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Guys, if you go through a lot of emotional 5hit while in your LTRs or after you end them, you NEED this fvcking book. It goes into detail about how the brain works, and how emotional memories get stored differently from visual memories. It also gives you exercises to do to fix all the abandonment 5hit from your past and present. This damn book is putting me outside my comfort zone. I haven't had a book do that since I found the DJ Bible. I'm still reading it, and it's been slow but good thus far.

Now onto my current situation. I have two women in my life. One has been pursuing me for months. She's ugly as fvck, but offered to give me a massage, so I'm gonna let her do that on Friday. I've been on the fence about fvcking her and throwing her away. We'll see.

The other woman I met the day after my last gf quit contacting me. Met her at the bar, and we had a blast! She's 24, has a great body, and we click amazingly. The problem is her face. He's not hideous, but she's not cute either. A little bit of makeup wouldn't kill her if she even bothered applying it! I'm going out with her after I type this 5hit up. Might just end up throwing that one back in the sea too.

I've been thinking about the kind of stuff I want in a companion, and I think I may end up doing some church sarging in May. I don't believe in God, but I agree with what the Bible says about women. If I can find a woman who was raised religiously but wanting to get out, that would be ideal for me. I had one GF like that over a year ago, and it was a great LTR. Unfortunately, her family got involved in breaking us up.

So that's where I'm sitting right now. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Criticism? Bring it on!

Just cause a gal is hot don't mean we need to put em on a pedestal. lol... Honestly if you're not happy with the way a gal looks just give her a chance dude because she may grow on you as well. Sure looks do matter and your attraction towards them but give it time you may find her hot in the end...

You need to seperate two issues. One is whether you had a good reason to break up with Miss Fetish Party. The other is how you behaved in the break up conversation, more importantly what lies at the root of that behavior.

Let's just call the latter your 'inner problem'.

This is a weak spot in your inner game and you should work on it. But don't make the mistake of ascribing the breakup to this! Do not blame yourself, as if you "lost" that girl because of your 'inner problem', as if the relationship could've continued and the two of you could've been happy if you didn't have this inner problem...

Perhaps your 'inner problem' took control of you and drove your actions the moment you literally told her you were breaking up with her. But breaking up with her was the right decision REGARDLESS.

Even if you didn't have this 'inner problem', you would have been right in breaking up with her anyway. Her behavior did not warrant a continuation of the relationship, she was out of line for wanting to go to that event with another guy and she certainly was out of line when she tried to justify it as just "socializing" and all that crap.

You do not want to be in a serious relationship with a girl like that! No man should be in a serious relationship with a girl like that if he knows what's good for him! This is clear and obvious, regardless of the fact that you have some 'inner problem'.

So yes, you have an inner problem that you need to work on. But no, this inner problem is NOT the reason why your relationship with that girl couldn't work.
The girl wasn't LTR material anyway, the LTR could not have worked anyway and you should not have been in an LTR with that girl in the first place!
If you want to blame your inner problem for something, THIS is what you have to blame it for...choosing to be in an LTR with this girl!

Coz that's what's going on, actually... Your inner problem consists of abandonment issues, insufficient (subconscious) feelings of self worth and other unresolved issues. These things drive a man to get emotionally involved with certain women who are actually not suitable to get emotionally involved with...

Don't ask yourself how your inner problem caused you to act in a way that (supposedly) made your relationship fail. DO ask yourself how your inner problem caused you to seek out an LTR with a woman who really wasn't suitable for an LTR...

Desdinova said:

It's been difficult getting over that one. She was pretty damn hot. She wanted to try and work it out, and I stupidly went for it. Of course, it didn't and she got herself into a LTR five days later with a guy she's known for 8 years. That hurts a bit, but I'll get over it.

Some of the people who commented in that thread mentioned that I may have pulled the trigger a bit quick on it. This has been a problem ever since I kicked my ex-wife out of my house, and here it was to haunt me again. I've been trying to figure out why I've been like this for the last 4 years. I used to think things through before pulling the trigger, but now I get these emotional surges and I act on them. Not a good thing!

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She's going to do the same thing to the next guy. They want a fall back plan in case hypergamy doesn't work out. You wanted something serious, she'll claim the same to get you hooked, then go to fetish parties looking for options (attention whoring). Women are so skilled at this that they can flirt with other men while you're standing right next to them. That's why they don't care if you're around or not, it's a minor inconvenience.

It doesn't mean she had an explicit plan she wanted to carry out, but anything can happen and she'll simply place herself into situations to facilitate it. You called her out on it, she challenged your convictions and you gave in.

The only thing I would've done differently is not commit to her in a serious way, especially after the whole fetish party incident. At that point, she became a FB. You said she was really hot, and in our current environment they can be a real pain in the a-- to deal with if you want something serious.

***Notice how she switched you out and him in like fashion accessories, they're natural plate spinners with tons of options and they maintain these options regardless of your status with them.

To sum up what Diehard said:

Your inner problem allowed you to be in an LTR with this woman in the first place. You would have kicked her to the curb long before you did, if you didn't have this inner problem. This inner problem did not cause the break up. If anything it caused the relationship to last longer than it should have.

I think I got it

But yeah, I agree.

Dealing with your inner problem is a good thing. Hopefully, in doing so, it will attract higher quality (LTR material) women to you. Instead of what you've been attracting (and staying with).

Massage

I bet you know the skank also had other things for you other than giving you a massage. Now comes friday and if your c0ck was up for it, then do it. I had this gut feel you'll be banging her hard.

You need to seperate two issues. One is whether you had a good reason to break up with Miss Fetish Party. The other is how you behaved in the break up conversation, more importantly what lies at the root of that behavior.

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That's what I'm working at. I realize that this isn't the first time it's happened with a woman I'm seeing, but I also have reasons to justify that this woman wasn't good for me.

This is a weak spot in your inner game and you should work on it. But don't make the mistake of ascribing the breakup to this!

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I am working on it. This whole breakup thing has actually made me very aware of it. The thing is, I can't be terminating relationships just because one thing sets me off, regardless of the magnitude. I should be weighing the pros and cons of the woman and basing my decision on that instead of just kicking her out of my vehicle (which I did with one woman).

But breaking up with her was the right decision REGARDLESS.

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I keep having to remind myself of that. There were some other things that rubbed me the wrong way about her, and I keep having to recall them. I just don't want to be having some emotional knee-jerk outburst with a woman who genuinely doesn't deserve it, and I nearly did that multiple times with the 1 1/2 year LTR I was in. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the girl, and I had moments where I was just ready to cut the rope because she didn't text back soon enough.

If you want to blame your inner problem for something, THIS is what you have to blame it for...choosing to be in an LTR with this girl!

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Getting into a LTR with her wasn't based on the sexual stuff. Her "experience" only started coming to light the day before I broke up with her. It slammed me like a brick to the face. She came from a good family with good values, but under all that she was a wh0re. I felt like I was blind-sided.

However, my inner-problem most likely allowed myself to give her a chance to try and "fix things" with me. I shouldn't have allowed myself to do that, but I really didn't know what to think of the whole thing. At the time, I was wondering if there was really something wrong with her, or was this just another irrational knee-jerk reaction on my part?

Wanna hear the funny thing? She told her mother why I ditched her, and her mother sided with me

I bet you know the skank also had other things for you other than giving you a massage. Now comes friday and if your c0ck was up for it, then do it. I had this gut feel you'll be banging her hard.

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I'm very aware of that. She's almost flat-out told me that she just wants to get laid. I haven't decided if I'll take her up on the opportunity yet. I'm much more interested in getting a massage. I got laid 2 weeks ago, I haven't had a massage in years.

And now for my date tonight...

Holy 5hit did I ever have fun with that chick! No lay yet, but remember that I have to go over the subject of me having herpes. I've decided that the 4th date is ideal to disclose that information. By then, there should be enough attraction and interest built up to the point where she won't care. If it's too big of a deal for her, then setting her free will be fine.

Anyway, I think I may be able to tolerate her very bland face. She's got a great body, and she's fun as hell to be with. When I dropped her off, she had a headache and a stomach ache from laughing so much. Our date consisted of eating a sub, and browsing an Asian supermarket. THAT'S IT.

This is actually turning out to be a pretty standard date for me. I didn't tell her that I've done the exact same thing with 4 other women (including the fetish party ex) and they all had fun. My personality is what makes the date fun, not the activity.

Desdinova said:

Her "experience" only started coming to light the day before I broke up with her. It slammed me like a brick to the face. She came from a good family with good values, but under all that she was a wh0re. I felt like I was blind-sided.

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Yeah, you were totally blind-sided. Isn't it peculiar that you were dealing with this bytch on a daily basis for months and couldn't see the obvious, while I only read one or two posts about her and was able to conclude:

Die Hard said:

It reeks of commitment issues and an inability to form healthy relationships.

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Keep reading your book, Des...

Desdinova said:

I may end up doing some church sarging... If I can find a woman who was raised religiously but wanting to get out, that would be ideal for me.

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A class act.

Dude stand by your decisions, wrong or not it was your decision. Same thing happens to me man. Some female will piss me off, i'll cut her off, then later when things have cooled down i'll be like, damn it wasn't so bad...

Humans are programmed to be a little optimistic considering past events as time passes. We forget the bad feelings we had...

F that noise, man. You had good reason for doing what you did. She deserved it!

This is your life and you run it how you damn well please. If you feel like dumping a perfectly good girl on a hunch THEN DO IT. Adjust your nuts and keep on trucking forward!

A lion is always a lion. Nobody questions him when he rips the head off a baby lion that was not his. Everyone knows whats up, mama lion will leave the pride and hide her babies if a rogue lion even looks like he's about to take over. But a jackal is smaller and unsure of himself. Nipping here and there, he does not have the power to enforce his will like the lion... Be the lion my friend. Go with your decisions and never question them. They are law.

At the end of the day, make sure the burden of remorse lay on someone else's shoulders. Not yours...

The reason you're thinking the way you are is because the human brain is programmed to worry, it's what has kept us alive through all our spear chucking years. Always worrying what is coming around the corner. These thoughts are not valid. Cast those thoughts out man, get your brain used to thinking positive. The brain is a muscle that must be trained like any other. Want to do good curls at the gym? then do that exercise. Want to be more positive, then think positive!

Desdinova said:

Wanna hear the funny thing? She told her mother why I ditched her, and her mother sided with me

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Lol, that's funny, and encouraging in a way.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long you dated this girl, but I do know that sometimes it can take awhile for these more unsavory dealbreaking tendencies to come out. This is partly because they can be on their best behavior during the early parts of a relationship. I wouldn't beat yourself up over that.

If I hear what you're saying correctly, it sounds like your problem is that you tend to jump into relationships too soon. That may be true, but I'm probably guilty of that as well, so you're far from the only one.

Desdinova said:

This was my last thread where I broke up with a chick I was seeing:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=213602

It's been difficult getting over that one. She was pretty damn hot. She wanted to try and work it out, and I stupidly went for it. Of course, it didn't and she got herself into a LTR five days later with a guy she's known for 8 years. That hurts a bit, but I'll get over it.

Some of the people who commented in that thread mentioned that I may have pulled the trigger a bit quick on it. This has been a problem ever since I kicked my ex-wife out of my house, and here it was to haunt me again. I've been trying to figure out why I've been like this for the last 4 years. I used to think things through before pulling the trigger, but now I get these emotional surges and I act on them. Not a good thing!

I thought about my marriage and how the bytch was never home during those 6 years. I was lonely as hell while married. So this time, I REALLY started thinking about it, and wondered if I had abandonment issues. I did a search, and came up with experiences that mirrored exactly how I terminated this last relationship.

So I went to a counselling session and I did more searching. I eventually came across a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Guys, if you go through a lot of emotional 5hit while in your LTRs or after you end them, you NEED this fvcking book. It goes into detail about how the brain works, and how emotional memories get stored differently from visual memories. It also gives you exercises to do to fix all the abandonment 5hit from your past and present. This damn book is putting me outside my comfort zone. I haven't had a book do that since I found the DJ Bible. I'm still reading it, and it's been slow but good thus far.

Now onto my current situation. I have two women in my life. One has been pursuing me for months. She's ugly as fvck, but offered to give me a massage, so I'm gonna let her do that on Friday. I've been on the fence about fvcking her and throwing her away. We'll see.

The other woman I met the day after my last gf quit contacting me. Met her at the bar, and we had a blast! She's 24, has a great body, and we click amazingly. The problem is her face. He's not hideous, but she's not cute either. A little bit of makeup wouldn't kill her if she even bothered applying it! I'm going out with her after I type this 5hit up. Might just end up throwing that one back in the sea too.

I've been thinking about the kind of stuff I want in a companion, and I think I may end up doing some church sarging in May. I don't believe in God, but I agree with what the Bible says about women. If I can find a woman who was raised religiously but wanting to get out, that would be ideal for me. I had one GF like that over a year ago, and it was a great LTR. Unfortunately, her family got involved in breaking us up.

So that's where I'm sitting right now. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Criticism? Bring it on!

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No such thing as pulling the trigger too quickly. In fact you probably didn't pull the trigger quickly enough as I'm sure there were red flags that you either missed or ignored.

It sounds like you setting some definitive characteristics that you need. I don't know that you necessarily need a church girl as the whole religion aspect can be hard to negotiate.

Keep up your standards if you don't like what you see then throw it back.

I'm not saying that there is no PTSD-like syndrome, but that is not what your gut reactions are. Those reactions will be proven veritas time and time again.

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The thing I'm trying to separate here is flying off the handle. I'm not saying having gut feelings is wrong. In fact, I think it's one of the best things we can have and we shouldn't be avoiding them. But when there's friction in a LTR, I can't just be throwing the girl away. There's a big difference between a girl forgetting to tell me something, and a girl wanting to attend a fetish party with a male friend. Both can cause friction, but should she be dumped on both occasions?

I don't need to be jumping the gun in either situation, but I've been extremely close to doing it when there's extremely minor problems. I have it in my mind that if a girl isn't perfect, I can go out and find another one who could potentially be perfect. I partially blame this site for that mindset, but I also partially blame having good game to quickly get other women interested in me.

If you feel like dumping a perfectly good girl on a hunch THEN DO IT. Adjust your nuts and keep on trucking forward!

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I don't want the knee-jerk reaction. I want to have my gut scream at me, telling me something is wrong, and then I want to be able to think things through. I used to be good at it before I was married, and I want that ability back. Before I got married, I made perfectly good decisions on when I should dump a chick without the knee-jerk reaction.

If I hear what you're saying correctly, it sounds like your problem is that you tend to jump into relationships too soon.

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That's not the problem at all. It took 3 1/2 months to become official with this chick. Her true colors started showing in the final month and a half. I've had other chicks want exclusivity within 1-2 months which is usually too early IMO. The 3 month mark seems to be the ideal amount of time for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long you dated this girl, but I do know that sometimes it can take awhile for these more unsavory dealbreaking tendencies to come out.

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And that's exactly what happened here. She was a small town chick, parents still together, good family values, cooked and cleaned at my place, and seemed quite respectful. After the official status was established, she acted like a child who wanted to not only push her limits, but to break through them. She also revealed that she's a wh0re, which is even more evidenced by her ability to establish an exclusive relationship 5 days after she was done trying to make things work with me. I wish her new bf luck.

Desdinova said:

That's not the problem at all. It took 3 1/2 months to become official with this chick. Her true colors started showing in the final month and a half. I've had other chicks want exclusivity within 1-2 months which is usually too early IMO. The 3 month mark seems to be the ideal amount of time for me.

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Fair enough. BUT, let me ask you this, how many other girls were you dating during these 3.5 months leading up to exclusivity?

"official" or not. If you're only dating her the whole time......you're setting yourself up to go into this relationship headed by your emotions.

I know I've brought this up to you before Des, but I feel it needs to be revisited....
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=59150
Lesson 14: Always have a back-up chick!

The unfortunate reality is that I don't have time to date more than one chick. I have my son for 5 1/2 days per week. I could scrap my hobbies and time with friends, but those are more important than women. I could also let my ex have my son for more time, but that also means he'll gain more of her qualities and won't succeed in school. The only thing I take advantage of is keeping contact with other women who are interested in me.

I have my son for 5 1/2 days per week.

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Commendable.

I could scrap my hobbies and time with friends, but those are more important than women.

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Maybe so. But your emotional well being trumps this. I'm a single father myself, but I don't have him as much as you, so my situation is different. With having him that much, you should be able to bring women around your son. Not the ideal situation, but he does need to learn, and realize, that his Dad dates women..... Teachable moments? You may have mentioned the age of your son earlier, if so, I don't remember. You gotta start showing him the ropes sometimes. Life, it happens. Obviously don't be banging them on the kitchen counter while he's doing homework in the living room, but, it's okay to bring women around. You're a man, men have women around them

He's 7 years old.

The only time I bring women around him is when it seems like they're gonna stick around for a while. Women are generally not interested in meeting him when they haven't been around for very long. I've tried, and it usually doesn't go over well.

Desdinova said:

He's 7 years old.

The only time I bring women around him is when it seems like they're gonna stick around for a while. Women are generally not interested in meeting him when they haven't been around for very long. I've tried, and it usually doesn't go over well.

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Many single mothers say that they shouldn't bring men around their children unless it's a serious relationship - because the kid gets attached and confused about their role. Then the guy disappears and the kid feels abandoned. I don't have any children, so I'm the last person to listen to on this subject, but this makes sense to me.