Very sad post, but I can't seem to figure a way out of this

Hi all

This is going to be a long and very depressive and sad post.

Long story short:

I feel the way I do right now because of my latest break up with a 13 year older woman, who was married and has three children. Thus it was an affair. I never saw a future with her, I just liked the way she acted towards me and the sex was amazing. She breaks up with me after a fight (we had many of those, I suspect she's a BPD, but I'm not 100% sure). After a week she has a new 'toyboy'. Everyone knows she has something with this guy, even her husband but then suddenly chooses for her husband and her children. This goes on for two weeks, but now everything is back to where it was with her toyboy.

The hardest part is the thought of "why him and not me". I know we had no future but still this (after almost two months, this still keeps me up at nights).

I have no other plates, I don't see any plates in the future also. Funny thing is, I know I'm attractive, but something is missing and it's the confidence and socializing part. I see girls checking me out, but I feel so small inside I just don't act on them as I can't seem to think why they want me. Why would they want me? My 13 year older ex left me for another one, why would I be so great?

The only time I feel great is when I've had some booze and sadly there hasn't been a night in these two months were I have been sober. I wake up in the morning devastated. I started a new hobby, this doesn't bring any happiness either. I just can't get around the fact why she dumped me for him, after all the things she said to me, after all she did for me. Yes I shouldn't be this stuck up with her, as she cheated on her husband with me, with him and others before me as I heard after we broke up. But I simply don't understand, this is just such a huge hit to my ego. I go to the gym and get compliments all the time that I look so good, I'm attractive as I get that compliment too. I know I'm often viewed as the silent guy and probably there lies the problem, but why the other one and not me.

I don't really want her back, I just want her to chase me, so that I know I'm the better one. But as the thread title, I don't see a way out. I've tried so many things since I found this site two and a half years ago (gym, trying not to care) and yes they probably led me to my ex, but as you can tell and see they didn't do anything, I'm back that same old pathetic guy who I was back then.

Thanks for reading, a lot of things have not been said, maybe in other posts.

You have to clean up your lifestyle. Attend alcoholics anonymous, attend a local church to get your inner-game and social skills fixed and finally come back here and thank me later. Church because God will personally give you power to become bold as a lion and rule on earth as a champion.

Sorry to hear about that man, it happens to the best of us.

It helps me sometimes to realize that you aren't the only one in your situation. There are others out there going through very similar situations.

Play devil's advocate to yourself, if your ex wanted you..why wouldn't other girls want you?

She's not the type of girl you need anyway. 13 years older? 3 kids? married? You can do better

We all go through rough times but pain is temporary, eventually it will subside and something else will take it's place. Keep your head up and use it as motivation.

Dude you need to understand, feelings are feelings but you gotta do what you gotta do. "Joy wouldnt feel so good if it wasnt for pain" to quote the great poet 50 cent . Comfortably numb is a good state albeit abit fake. Youll get there. Remember, you gotta do what you gotta do and what you gotta do is cut contact and live through your pain. There is no magical solution. Booze is cool, ut when youre bitter and drunk all the time the ones who are close to you will slowly begin to drift away, couse nobody likes to see a man in such miserable state.

Also let this serve as a lesson - everything comes with a prise - you wanted to fuk around with the hot MILF - you got burned. This is the prise. This is how it is with women. We fall in love very easily through sex and the only solution is - sleep with her 1ce or 2ce but dont make a habit out of it.

Best of luck.

I feel the way I do right now because of my latest break up with a 13 year old woman.

HaHa I was thinking this dude has issues until I realised it read "13 year older woman"

Best keep "Saywhat" away from the playground!

Might want to word it better in future =) or study English.

Anyway we've all been in this position hung up on a girl. Years later we look back on these moments & realise how pathetic we were & that we can do a LOT better

Really listen, the best thing you can do is go on POF, ok cupid, tinder & start seeing other girls.

The "why him, not me" state is a pretty shıtty place to be, I know it well. However, don't believe the grass is greener on the other side, because it's not. You're just seeing the facade. One day boytoy will get it just like you did, one day her husband will divorce her, one day her life will fall apart, and one day her kids will resent her for being a slutty mother. And where will you be? You may not have a super model girlfriend, but your life will be light years better than this MILF's. It's a guarantee.

So put the bottle down, get yer shıt together again, and start enjoying life again because life isn't that much against you as you may think it is.

Alcohol is highly estrogenic and destroys testosterone especially when consumed on a daily basis or in high quantities.

Your T levels are probably shot and your estrogen levels are probably higher than you want them to be...get these checked, it would explain a lot.

You ****ed around with a ****ty woman. Well this is the price you pay. You knew she was trouble from the start. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Piping the Hottie broad, who's a ****ty person, doesn't seem as great as it is.

Thanks for your responses.

I don't know what else I can do to get my sh*t together. Since I found this forum 2,5 years ago, I started going to the gym, do more things of what I love, eliminated a lot of my AFC personality. I recently even invested a lot of money in a hobby I really wanted to do just because of me and not someone else. This just doesn't help, in fact I think I feel ****tier as before.

And yes she was interested in me once, but now she's not anymore and I can't take this. It means I'm not as good as I thought I was, someone else is better and this adds to the fact that all of what I have done, doesn't help.

I don't see what I am doing wrong.

SayWhat said:

I don't really want her back, I just want her to chase me, so that I know I'm the better one.

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I may have read you completely wrong, if so I apologise. But from what you have said I have the following to say:

First thing first, the good news is it's your ego that's damaged and you're not heart broken/in love. I find the 2 can be easily confused.

Second thing is you need to understand what is making you feel this way about yourself. My guess is that you are a 'nice guy' and your mentality is to seek approval from women to feel good about yourself. When a woman has let you in her vagina that is the ultimate approval you can get with this mindset and makes you feel great. When she cuts you loose you suddenly lose that security you had in your self worth and because you seek approval externally you are clambering to get one over on her to get your self worth back.

I've been here. I would say I'm a nice guy in recovery. What's working for me is really understanding what made me this way (social conditioning and misguided parenting, no alpha male role model) and how to change this toxic belief system I had about my self worth. Once you begin to do this it makes it easier to implement the alpha mindset and absorb all the material available here.

Get your house in order, make sure you dress better than your peers, work out as much as possible, eat healthy. Stop drinking. Treat yourself like a king. You have to learn to love yourself.

SayWhat said:

Thanks for your responses.

I don't know what else I can do to get my sh*t together. Since I found this forum 2,5 years ago, I started going to the gym, do more things of what I love, eliminated a lot of my AFC personality. I recently even invested a lot of money in a hobby I really wanted to do just because of me and not someone else. This just doesn't help, in fact I think I feel ****tier as before.

And yes she was interested in me once, but now she's not anymore and I can't take this. It means I'm not as good as I thought I was, someone else is better and this adds to the fact that all of what I have done, doesn't help.

I don't see what I am doing wrong.

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There is nothing you can do here dude... she is a low value woman.. you knew it would come to an end some day...

No contact is your best friend now.. take some time to heal.. quit the drinking, that **** will make you feel so much worse... keep hitting that gym hard... it really does help!


Also in the future, if she is a low value woman... dont get attached.. fuk her if you like, but never get attached

SayWhat said:

Thanks for your responses.

I don't know what else I can do to get my sh*t together. Since I found this forum 2,5 years ago, I started going to the gym, do more things of what I love, eliminated a lot of my AFC personality. I recently even invested a lot of money in a hobby I really wanted to do just because of me and not someone else. This just doesn't help, in fact I think I feel ****tier as before.

And yes she was interested in me once, but now she's not anymore and I can't take this. It means I'm not as good as I thought I was, someone else is better and this adds to the fact that all of what I have done, doesn't help.

I don't see what I am doing wrong.

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Read the Don Juan bible.

Get it into your head, that you are the prize.

The worst thing you can do is feel sorry for yourself. It's weak.

So to sum it up. You feel worthless, hopeless and have lost all self-respect. I can tell you that you're in for a hard time before you heal from this blow. You gotta stop drinking and exercising it away, it will get you nowhere and you know it. You gotta go find what's missing in you and not stop or give up until you've found it. No action taken out of desperation will cure you of desperation, it will feed it. Trust me on that one, I've extensively tried it and failed at every turn. This is more important than getting that ego boost you crave so much, if anything you should get to the bottom of why you're so needy. Attack the need, don't give it what it wants because it only gives you misery in return.

You're seeking validation from a cheating b!tch that used you for her benefit, she knew as well as you did there was no future. She knew she could throw you away at any second and replace you, how you feel about it isn't her problem it's yours. This is why my friend we wisely keep away from certain types of nasty women, they will fvck up your feelings if you let them. On top of that she's the one who gave you that feeling, meaning she's probably feeling generally sh!t herself. You got what you're feeling now from her. She has to be seriously fvcked up to have children, cheat on her husband and cycle through boytoys. And what type of fvcked up husband accepts this especially considering the children?

Considering the above it's no wonder you're depressed.

Why are you seeking validation from an absolutely sh!t, deceptive, low self-esteem, cheating and possibly BPD woman? Does that mean she's less sh!t than you and her approval would raise your self-esteem from sh!t to slightly less sh!t? Do you see how crazy this is?

I have recovered my self-respect and I can clearly see that I wouldn't want such a woman to chase me ever anywhere.

Grewd said:

So to sum it up. You feel worthless, hopeless and have lost all self-respect. I can tell you that you're in for a hard time before you heal from this blow. You gotta stop drinking and exercising it away, it will get you nowhere and you know it. You gotta go find what's missing in you and not stop or give up until you've found it. No action taken out of desperation will cure you of desperation, it will feed it. Trust me on that one, I've extensively tried it and failed at every turn. This is more important than getting that ego boost you crave so much, if anything you should get to the bottom of why you're so needy. Attack the need, don't give it what it wants because it only gives you misery in return.

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Don't you think I'm trying to figure this out for the past few years? I'm still thinking and waiting for that moment of epiphany, I'm even seeing a shrink to get to the bottom, but it's not coming and I'm sick and tired of it. Sorry if this comes on strong, I'm just fed up with myself and why she acts this way. Just letting her go is not possible as I have so many questions but I refuse to ask her as it would make her feel good about herself.

People can say 'think you're the prize', but I've been doing this for so long , but then why she left me? Yes we had no future and I always made up excuses if she wanted to go on a date, but still it hurts too much.

SayWhat said:

Don't you think I'm trying to figure this out for the past few years? I'm still thinking and waiting for that moment of epiphany, I'm even seeing a shrink to get to the bottom, but it's not coming and I'm sick and tired of it. Sorry if this comes on strong, I'm just fed up with myself and why she acts this way. Just letting her go is not possible as I have so many questions but I refuse to ask her as it would make her feel good about herself.

People can say 'think you're the prize', but I've been doing this for so long , but then why she left me? Yes we had no future and I always made up excuses if she wanted to go on a date, but still it hurts too much.

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You are your own worst enemy. You have been given advice & refuse to take it.

You won't listen.

Good luck.

How long ago did this woman leave you?

You say you found this site 2.5 years ago. You sound like you ARE actually better off than you might have been without it, but the devastation of the most recent event is clouding out the wherewithal you have developed over the last 2.5 years.

This can happen. Its called heartbreak. EVERYONE one of us has felt it. EVERYONE of us thought OURS was the worst it could ever be. EVERYONE one of us eventually realized it wasn't as bad as we thought. EVERYONE of us survived to live another day and experiance MORE joy than the joy we thought we would never feel again.

Look, this thread has some of the best advice I have ever seen written on the first page. Some not so good, but most of it gold. You know what though...the only thing that really will help, the only thing, is time.

TIME.

Its going to go by anyway. And its defiantly going to cure you. Eventually.

You can speed it up by toughing it out and doing things that dont seem to be helping. Hobbies, fitness, work.

Or you can slow it down by staying stuck in depression.

But the time will pass. And the time will help. One way or another. Up to you how you manage each day. Up to you what you look like to yourself when you wake up that fine morning and realize you are indeed OVER it.

I say, even if it feels empty, do what you need to do to fill that time with things of benefit.

One day, when you can feel again, you will be proud of yourself and there will be less work to do then.

Time is your friend. Own each day. Even in misery rejoice. For you can still type a letter of woe and get up from the keyboard and pour yourself a drink.
You are NOT a soldier who is mamed or scarred for life. You are not a victim of a horrendous accident that takes away real things, like health and mobility.

Heart break feels like the end of the world. Gratitude can balance it out.

Find things to celebrate!

Own your time. You will be better soon.

With love and comradery,

Saline

SayWhat said:

Don't you think I'm trying to figure this out for the past few years? I'm still thinking and waiting for that moment of epiphany, I'm even seeing a shrink to get to the bottom, but it's not coming and I'm sick and tired of it. Sorry if this comes on strong, I'm just fed up with myself and why she acts this way. Just letting her go is not possible as I have so many questions but I refuse to ask her as it would make her feel good about herself.

People can say 'think you're the prize', but I've been doing this for so long , but then why she left me? Yes we had no future and I always made up excuses if she wanted to go on a date, but still it hurts too much.

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Yeah telling yourself you're the prize won't do much when you get evidence of the opposite. It doesn't come on strong to me, I can relate to what you're dealing with. You might have to try different things to resolve the problem, and that doesn't always involve the usual advice given on this forum.

I'm familiar with that feeling of being fed up. Have you tried doing just nothing? Just take a break from everything, get away and breathe some air. Trying harder obviously isn't gonna cut it for you and actually respecting your feeling of being sick and tired is the correct way to deal with it. In other words if you feel sick and tired you should rest, doing more will just further deplete your energy.

Letting her go is possible, you're preventing yourself by the condition that you must have your questions answered. What you should really be fed up about is your own thoughts annoying the fvck out of you, and only you can change that. Do you really want to continue in a state of pain to hope for answers you may very well never get? If so, then for how long? Your entire life? Is it worth it? If you do get your answers, then what? Life just turns into some blissful ride on rainbows? I don't think so considering all that crumbles around you as long as you remain in this state. You're wasting your time and effort on something that will never pay off.

You're all right I know that. But she broke up with her new toyboy a few weeks back and then got back together with him last week and now again chooses for her husband. I just don't understand why she gets back together with him but never reinitiated contact with me? This really makes me feel like such a loser, like I'm nothing worth and don't mean anything to anyone. I wouldn't get back together with her, it's just about that. Like switch7 says, it really is my ego that's hurt, I don't think it's about love.

The ego is hurt and is a "loser". When she gives it attention you are strong and a prize. You know how weak this is, but you enjoy the self pity and being one or the other because its better than being nothing. So you turn it over and over in your mind and drink yourself into oblivion. What do you want from us?

SayWhat said:

You're all right I know that. But she broke up with her new toyboy a few weeks back and then got back together with him last week and now again chooses for her husband. I just don't understand why she gets back together with him but never reinitiated contact with me? This really makes me feel like such a loser, like I'm nothing worth and don't mean anything to anyone. I wouldn't get back together with her, it's just about that. Like switch7 says, it really is my ego that's hurt, I don't think it's about love.

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You don't mean anything to her, she is not anyone and everyone she's just one. What do you want really? Answer me that question clearly, if not there's nothing I can do for you.

If it is to get her back to satisfy your hurt ego, then forget it as that simply won't happen. If it is to take care of yourself and start feeling better, then I've already told you what you have to do. If it is to understand why she's so confused about herself, you won't ever understand other than to state that she's confused and fvcked up.

You wouldn't want to understand why an alligator is eating a horse and a dog rather than you, because that's what this situation looks like to me. I can bet you my beautiful a$$ that you don't wanna know, and if you do you'll regret it.