Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Defining Relationship with Girl in your Band

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
we are both 31 years old been playing music for a long time just met her starting a band with her playing her songs. I am an accomplished musician and her music is incredible. Was not that attracted to her initially. Give her a 7 and Im an 8. However her talent and personality make her an 8.5. She lives with her bf and they seem really rocky.

Lately shes been texting me at midnight stuff like "I love playing music with you" or "im totally eating doritos on the couch right now lol."

My question is, I really dont know how to act around her. Shes really flirty and negs her bf in front of me, will laugh at my jokes and make slight contact with me, also in front of him.

How can I be respectful that shes in a relationship but still make music with her? What are the lines I need to draw?
 

logicallefty

Moderator
Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Messages
6,055
Reaction score
5,229
Age
50
Location
Northeast Florida, USA
Whatever you do, don't let her suck you in and get you negging about the BF. If she says something about him that you must respond to, say "wow sounds like he handles his business different that I do\I would, but to each their own".

You could also go BOLD with the situation:

You: "Hey give your BF my number have him give me a call if he ever needs a good wingman".

HB: "what's that supposed to mean? He is with me!"

You: "Doesn't sound like he will be for long based on how you talk about him. But no worries one night hanging out with me and he will have more new potential women to replace you with than he will know what to do with". ;)

HB: "Why are you saying this? We aren't going to break up!!"

You: "Whyy are you talking so bad about your BF? That's disrespectful you know. I wouldn't tolerate it if you were my GF" :nono:

I guarantee when she does give the BF the boot, this conversation with you will cross her hamster wheel.... ;)
 

speed dawg

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 9, 2006
Messages
4,808
Reaction score
1,242
Location
The Dirty South
Keep your life simple, dude. Just make music with her, keep it business, if you really value her in that way. Get your p*ssy elsewhere. This reeks of scarcity mentality.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
logical lefty, I like the input. If she gets too neggy I may say something like that.

Speed Dawg, I am going to keep it business and just play music. It's just that her flirting makes me want to ravage her sometimes. Scarcity has nothing to do with it. If I was saying/thinking that she's the one or that I MUST do anything I can to get her/win her, then I could that reeking of scarcity. I've got 3 other plates spinning and by no means really even want another, but we hang out a lot and maybe it's just me but hanging out with a talented cute girl that flirts makes me want her.

I suppose being around her, playing shows with her, could up my value to others, too.
 

SAYNO

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 5, 2004
Messages
524
Reaction score
25
Age
56
Location
Dallas
Intresting! Im a musician myself and everytime one of the band members started dating one another, the band fell apart. I myself have never done it and don't recommend it, but part of the reason I had to cut a really good friend was for this exact situation. Everytime we hired a female singer or musician, he'd be trying to f!ck. It got so bad that I started to not trust him as all he seemed to think about was p!ssy, to top matters off he wasn't that great of a musician. Perhaps if he had exerted the same energies tword muscianship he would have actually been able to play something that didn't require sheet music. Last I heard he quit playing altogether.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
So this girl came over to my place for band practice with the rest of the guys. They all left around 10pm and she says "I'm OK staying, we can just go over some songs." She stays til 1230am, we make lots of good eye contact and are playing guitars facing each other. I couldn't help but flirt a little, made some minor body contact here and there, and laughed a lot. I said bye to her and used her name and I saw the tingle reaction in her movements. Bottom line is that the hamster is spinning.

Her bf is very much beta and she's at least one if not two points higher on the SMV than he is. That's just pure physical. Add the talent and status she has and the points go up another one or two.

What do most people in this community say about stealing a girl in a relationship? I've never done it and I just ended a 5 year relationship/marriage after my wife cheated on me with several guys in the last year. I am not friends with the bf, he's a "nice guy", but everyone in our social circle knows they are on the rocks and people speculate who is going to get her next type thing.

Also, if I were to engage with her, I wonder if she would be less likely to break it off with him because now she gets best of both worlds (alpha and beta). Right?
 

Sonic1

Don Juan
Joined
Aug 9, 2014
Messages
42
Reaction score
2
Location
Tucson, AZ
wakingup said:
So this girl came over to my place for band practice with the rest of the guys. They all left around 10pm and she says "I'm OK staying, we can just go over some songs." She stays til 1230am, we make lots of good eye contact and are playing guitars facing each other. I couldn't help but flirt a little, made some minor body contact here and there, and laughed a lot. I said bye to her and used her name and I saw the tingle reaction in her movements. Bottom line is that the hamster is spinning.

Her bf is very much beta and she's at least one if not two points higher on the SMV than he is. That's just pure physical. Add the talent and status she has and the points go up another one or two.

What do most people in this community say about stealing a girl in a relationship? I've never done it and I just ended a 5 year relationship/marriage after my wife cheated on me with several guys in the last year. I am not friends with the bf, he's a "nice guy", but everyone in our social circle knows they are on the rocks and people speculate who is going to get her next type thing.

Also, if I were to engage with her, I wonder if she would be less likely to break it off with him because now she gets best of both worlds (alpha and beta). Right?
UGGGGH!!! Everyone has told you this isn't a good idea. When you are talking about stealing this girl, what is your goal? To bang her or have a relationship? According to you, you have several plates already.

So if your goal is just to have another plate, then what's the cost (there is always a cost)? Your time, losing another plate, potentially causing tension/stress within the group. Let's say you get with this girl and things go south and she ends things with you. Are you prepared to deal with this? It's not like you won't see her again so NC would be an issue(especially if you develop feelings for her). What kind of effect will it have on the dynamics of the collective group (probably lot's of tension). Or let's say you end things with her and she's obsessed with you (ever see Fatal Attraction?), how do you propose to deal with that? Again, how will this affect the group that you guys are a part of?

Now, let's take into account the other person in the mix--her bf. This poor guy probably doesn't have a clue that you guys are talking/hanging out. I'd bet money there is a reason---she hasn't told him! Why? Because she's a branch swinger. There's a reason that songs like These hoes ain't loyal are written. So if she does it to him, she'll do it to you, guaranteed!

Look at this as if you were an executive negotiating your golden parachute. A golden parachute is an agreement between a company(in this case the girl and your band/music group) and an employee(you) specifying that the employee will receive certain significant benefits if employment is terminated(if things don't work out between you 2 for whatever reason). What benefits would you get from this arrangement? Nothing good, that's for damn sure.

So, it's up to you. The way I always gauge my decisions is that if I can look myself in the mirror and know that I won't feel guilty about proceeding then I will. I went against advice given to me on this board before--it didn't work out well for me. I think you've been given enough feedback to know what your path should be regarding this matter.
 

BetterCallSaul

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
865
Reaction score
381
Location
Texas
Well based on what I've read so far OP, you have no trouble letting her lead or following her frame. She knows what she's doing and she knows what she wants. Sounds to me like even if she gets what she wants from you, in another few months or year or whatever she'll set her sights on someone else.

You seem pretty into your music and so does she. To me, this seems to boil down to not being able to keep business separate.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
Thanks for the feedback guys. The things you're saying about branch swinging and all, that applies to every girl, so regardless of the situation, those factors are omnipresent. That said, in this case, it's probably best to keep it business, I know. It's just hard in certain moments, especially when we're both on my couch playing love songs at midnight. You can't say you don't blame me, come on, its sexual tension to the max, and its awesome.

Thanks again for the feedback, you're right, I have been given enough feedback to know what I ought to do.
 

WanderingMan

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 19, 2015
Messages
351
Reaction score
134
Location
Wandering
She's got a "boyfriend". This is the "x factor" in this whole dynamic. It always seems to be the 6's & 7's who feel they can flirt away with whoever they want without repercussions.

If she didn't have the boyfriend, and she was doing this flirty behavior with you, then by all means - there should be no doubt that the two of you would be shagging.

HOWEVER, she has a boyfriend, and is still flirting and playing with you. And you are letting her. She's in control here, and she knows it.

she says "I'm OK staying, we can just go over some songs." She stays til 1230am,
As someone said, You're letting her control the frame. You're getting sucked into her vortex. Next stop beta-ville.

Stop it. Stop all the bull****.

You need to treat her as one of your band mates - and that's it. If she breaks up with her boyfriend on her own, and then shows some interest it's one thing, time to re-evaluate. Otherwise, it seems to be a lose/lose situation for you, even if you end up banging her.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
Wandering Man, thanks for putting that together. I'm trying to understand how im letting her control the frame, forgive me I am a newcomer to this site and philosophy.

Responding to the quote you put in your reply, should I have just said "no lets just call it a night, well practice again soon." Would that be taking the frame back or at least preventing her from establishing frame?

Playing devil's advocate, couldn't one argue that by flirting with her now, then cold/hot would keep the hamster spinning as people say on this site? I guess I am just curious how people here think im letting her control the frame. I don't ask in any sort of defensive way, I'm just trying to learn and better understand.
 

Bokanovsky

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 7, 2012
Messages
4,635
Reaction score
4,193
wakingup said:
Lately shes been texting me at midnight stuff like "I love playing music with you" or "im totally eating doritos on the couch right now lol."

My question is, I really dont know how to act around her. Shes really flirty and negs her bf in front of me, will laugh at my jokes and make slight contact with me, also in front of him.
She's attention whoring and trying to use you to make her boyfriend jealous. Sounds like a low quality, disrespectful woman. I mean, who the hell texts someone at midnight to say "I'm totally easting doritos on the couch right now lol". My response would have been "I totally hope you don't get diarrhea lol". I would also start negging her in front of her boyfriend for good measure.
 

Sonic1

Don Juan
Joined
Aug 9, 2014
Messages
42
Reaction score
2
Location
Tucson, AZ
wakingup said:
Wandering Man, thanks for putting that together. I'm trying to understand how im letting her control the frame, forgive me I am a newcomer to this site and philosophy.

Responding to the quote you put in your reply, should I have just said "no lets just call it a night, well practice again soon." Would that be taking the frame back or at least preventing her from establishing frame?I'm tired, going to bed or have stuff to take care. If you say "we'll practice again soon" makes it about you two being together. There is no "you and her" so there should be no hint of it in speech or action. Frame in my mind is who is in control. Is there a reason for you to be in control with this girl? Nope, she has a BF and you and she are equal members in a group, right? No need to establish or try to reestablish frame because you aren't trying to get with her. You could even go one step further and be offended that she assumed you had nothing better to do than sit with her into the wee hours of the morning and play music together(pretty disrespectful when you put it in that context, right?). Your actions of lack thereof showed that you indeed did not have anything better to do(because you were hoping something would happen and probably flattered that she wanted to spend time with you, right?).

Playing devil's advocate, couldn't one argue that by flirting with her now, then cold/hot would keep the hamster spinning as people say on this site?Who cares? She has a BF and she's in your band. You don't want to complicate the situation, remember? Are you looking for an excuse to get with this girl? I guess I am just curious how people here think im letting her control the frame. Because she said she was going to stay and practice with you and you let her(obviously because you didn't have a problem with it and were thinking of hooking up with her, right?). She didn't ask you, did she? If she had asked if you wanted to continue to practice together, different story. What would your answer had been then? I'm willing to bet you wouldn't have had a problem with it given that you are attracted to this girl and you obviously still want to hook up with her. I don't ask in any sort of defensive way, I'm just trying to learn and better understand.
Nothing has changed, you're just over-thinking things now and wishing that the situation was/is different so you and the girl can get together. Been there, done that, it is good in the short-term but way bad in the long term for all involved. Like someone else said, wait until she doesn't have a BF and re-assess. Still would probably be a bad idea for the dynamics of the group though. Try to truly distance yourself from this girl. Professional contact, conversations, context only. Think about it another way; if you spend all your time thinking about what could be, you may be missing other opportunities around you because you're thinking is clouded.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
Thanks Sonic. Solid points made. Yes, in the moments we are alone (only been two) there's been this rush in me to ravage her and make sweet sex with her, but I know in my brain I should not. It's been strange returning to single life after 6 years, and part of me just wants to go wild because I can.

Flirting is fun with her but I do now realize that she's getting the sexual attention she wants and has all the power. Her music is really incredible and I've played in bands for 15 years with all kinds and she really has something no one else does (those intangibles). That is more valuable to me than her pvssy, but when the whiskey gets poured, joints get rolled, and music and sex are in the lyrics and air, well, my friends, that can be a powerful rush of endorphins, nerves, and blood flow.

Thanks again all. Happy dating.
 

WanderingMan

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 19, 2015
Messages
351
Reaction score
134
Location
Wandering
wakingup said:
Responding to the quote you put in your reply, should I have just said "no lets just call it a night, well practice again soon." Would that be taking the frame back or at least preventing her from establishing frame?
I really like Sonic's response to this one.

Playing devil's advocate, couldn't one argue that by flirting with her now, then cold/hot would keep the hamster spinning as people say on this site? I guess I am just curious how people here think im letting her control the frame.
Here's the problem I see with this "flirting".
You're dependent on an outcome. She is not. For you, it's not "friendly" "innocent" flirting, or a way for you to control the frame. If you couldn't care less whether or not you ever got to stick your d1ck in her, then fine. No problem. However, you do. Your flirting is a means to an end. She, on the other hand, is 100% content on just flirting. She is getting everything she needs with from just the flirting. Therefore, why would she try to ruin a perfectly good thing? Life's great for her - she has good looking dude at work flirting with her all day, then she gets to go home to beta boyfriend waiting on her all evening. Every girl's fantasy. If she had one or the other, then something would have to give. However, since she has both, it's like the yin & yang - everything works together in perfect harmony.
 

wakingup

Don Juan
Joined
Mar 24, 2015
Messages
72
Reaction score
20
Location
West Coast
Thanks wanderingman. Great reply. Last night she came over to practice and wants to just play with me now. Shes dropped the rest of the group and thinks just the two of us should play and bring in more members later. I cooled it off and was all business. No flirting.

One wierd twist is that her bf is a drummer but is terrible and she asked me if I would play with the two of them. I told her that I cant get in sync with his bad drumming.and she said "I completely understand". When she came over last night she said that she told him he cant play with us and in her words "sometimes I feel im dating a 22 year old girl."

Ooof ouch.

I just changed the subject. She circled back saying how it's unfair of him to hold her back and he needs to stop being a baby about it. I wanted to neg her and make her feel bad about those comments but couldnt find the words. I definitely did not encourage or really respond directly. Curious how this continues.
 
Joined
Apr 23, 2015
Messages
660
Reaction score
18
wakingup said:
Thanks wanderingman. Great reply. Last night she came over to practice and wants to just play with me now. Shes dropped the rest of the group and thinks just the two of us should play and bring in more members later. I cooled it off and was all business. No flirting.

One wierd twist is that her bf is a drummer but is terrible and she asked me if I would play with the two of them. I told her that I cant get in sync with his bad drumming.and she said "I completely understand". When she came over last night she said that she told him he cant play with us and in her words "sometimes I feel im dating a 22 year old girl."

Ooof ouch.

I just changed the subject. She circled back saying how it's unfair of him to hold her back and he needs to stop being a baby about it. I wanted to neg her and make her feel bad about those comments but couldnt find the words. I definitely did not encourage or really respond directly. Curious how this continues.
If you can get your hour or two of sleep you probably shoud.

I wouldn't sweat her. give her some competition.
 

speed dawg

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 9, 2006
Messages
4,808
Reaction score
1,242
Location
The Dirty South
Ha, it's hilarious to me how the new guys ALWAYS looking for advice they want to hear. When they don't get it, they try to tell us all how wrong we are. We'll see you in a few weeks wakingup, we all know you'll be back.

By the way, are we no longer enforcing age limits in the MM forum?
 

Sonic1

Don Juan
Joined
Aug 9, 2014
Messages
42
Reaction score
2
Location
Tucson, AZ
speed dawg said:
Ha, it's hilarious to me how the new guys ALWAYS looking for advice they want to hear. When they don't get it, they try to tell us all how wrong we are. We'll see you in a few weeks wakingup, we all know you'll be back.

By the way, are we no longer enforcing age limits in the MM forum?
Yep, I have $10 that says he'll cave and try to sleep with this girl and maybe even be successful. It sounds like she has him in a trance! I know how he feels though, some of these women just have that certain something that makes you want to do things you know you shouldn't do. I know I've had to learn the hard way several times!
 

sodbuster

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 11, 2008
Messages
2,579
Reaction score
378
Age
64
Location
South Dakota
Does this have the potential to be a REAL job that pays all your bills, or is this a side deal????? THAT makes a big difference in what I'd decide.... NEVER sh1t where you eat....

IF it's a side deal that has the potential to become a career? I'd never touch it. Otherwise, I'm not too concerned. BUT, since you CLAIM to have 3 plates already, not sure what you have to gain by getting lucky MORE than you are. .... or is she "the one"? IF not, why complicate your life? Sex usually does that for you
 
Top