Dumped Again ... Need Some Advice Guys

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

Last time I posted I had been told by the girl I went out with that her ex wanted to get back together and that she thought it was best if we didn't talk as much or go out so that she or I wouldn't get hurt. "I don't want to hurt you or get myself hurt", she said.

That stung me. It was the first time after my separation from ex-wife that I started falling for another woman. She was great to be around and the type I tend to fall for easily.

I shrugged it off. We went NC.

Then I joined Tinder. That same weekend after texting with a nice looking girl I met up with her and we started dating. Things went great and we quickly began to develop huge rapport and after two weeks it was like we were together for months. I knew that this was unusual and going too fast. But I went along with it. Sex was great. She was exactly what I needed to get over the other girl. This girl is not as attractive as the other one but I like her a lot.

So 2 weeks ago (after 5 weeks of dating) she tells me that she feels this is going too fast and she wants to slow down a bit. I say ok. After that the texts were not coming in as frequent as usual from her. Then she went almost a whole weekend without texting me. I resisted the urge to text. She texted me that Sunday night and said she wanted to talk. I called her. She says that someone from her past has contacted her and she still has feelings for this guy and wants to see what's there. I said ok. Do what you think will make you happy and we hanged up.

WTF guys! This is the second time in a row that something like this happens to me. A girl going back to an ex.

This one hurts even more than the previous girl. With this girl I really felt like I connected fully. She says she wants to remain friends. And is now texting me frequently I guess to keep me close and as much as I hate to say it as a plan B in case things don't work with the other guy.

I can see being friends with her because she is so cool and knows a ton of women. I can benefit from having her as a friend but how can I do that when I know I will get jealous if she ever brings this other guy around and after having slept with her?

I take long time to reply to texts but then crumble because I don't want to seem cold. She asks about my son and how I'm doing a lot.

What should I do here guys?

I have of course already started checking other girls out on Tinder.

kraytkiller · Sep 1, 2015

Sounds unhealthy, I'd NC her and remove her from my life completely, to avoid any unnecessary emotional problems/roller-coasters.

Ask yourself how will she benefit your life? How could she possibly hurt it? And is the reward worth the risk? And go from there. Just be honest with yourself.

Suspens · Sep 1, 2015

Nu Vision said:
This girl is not as attractive as the other one but I like her a lot.

So 2 weeks ago (after 5 weeks of dating) she tells me that she feels this is going too fast and she wants to slow down a bit.

No offense mate, but don't be a clingy desperate b1tch. That's your problem. They kinda freak out and eject.

switch7 · Sep 1, 2015

Nu Vision said:
Last time I posted I had been told by the girl I want out with that her ex wanted to get back together and that she thought it was best if we didn't talk as much or go out so that she or I wouldn't get hurt. "I don't want to hurt you or get myself hurt", she said.

That stung me. It was the first time after my separation from ex-wife that I started falling for another woman.Stop falling for women, it ends in pain, find your happiness elsewhere, they should be falling for you not the other way round, have women as a supplement. She was great to be around and the type I tend to fall for easily.

I shrugged it off. We went NC.

Then I joined Tinder. That same weekend after texting with a nice looking girl I met up with her and we started dating. Things went great and we quickly began to develop huge rapport and after two weeks it was like we were together for months. I knew that this was unusual and going too fast. But I went along with it. Sex was great. She was exactly what I needed to get over the other girl. This girl is not as attractive as the other one but I like her a lot.

So 2 weeks ago (after 5 weeks of dating) she tells me that she feels this is going too fast and she wants to slow down a bit. I say ok. At this point you should have said 'I feel similar' and gone ghost - ut oh hamster wheel After that the texts were not coming in as frequent as usual from her. Then she went almost a whole weekend without texting me. I resisted the urge to text. She texted me that Sunday night and said she wanted to talk. I called her. Shouldn't have called, should have waited for her to text again or call you. She says 'didn't you get my message?' You say 'Oh yeah, sorry I was out with a few friends eating and forgot to reply, whats up? She says that someone from her past has contacted her and she still has feelings for this guy and wants to see what's there. I said ok. Do what you think will make you happy and we hanged up.

WTF guys! This is the second time in a row that something like this happens to me. A girl going back to an ex.

This one hurts even more than the previous girl. With this girl I really felt like I connected fully. She says she wants to remain friends. And is now texting me frequently I guess to keep me close and as much as I hate to say it as a plan B in case things don't work with the other guy.

Definitely keeping you close so that she can be 100% sure whether she's made the right decision to switch branches. She wants to see how upset you are, then she will know she's made the right choice and stick with the other guy. Don't give her that assurance, go ghost on her. Get her hamster wheel spinning. She could come running back to you, then tell her to fvck off, or even better If you can handle it mentally, put your nut in her one more time and then tell her to fvck off.

I can see being friends with her because she is so cool and knows a ton of women. Don't do it I can benefit from having her as a friend but how can I do that when I know I will get jealous if she ever brings this other guy around and after having slept with her?

I take long time to reply to texts but then crumble because I don't want to seem cold. She asks about my son and how I'm doing a lot.

What should I do here guys?

I have of course already started checking other girls out on Tinder.

^^that's what i'd do but probably better to hear to some of the more experienced guys (still learning myself) Keep your chin up man, we've all been dumped, divorced multiple times etc. Change your perspective.

Lozboss · Sep 1, 2015

You need to read Corey Wayne's 3% man OP. About 10 times. No joke.

Reservoir Dog · Sep 1, 2015

Because you care so much OP. But not about the individual girl but about your needs and your needs only. And the women are not stupid. They can see this, insecure as they are. That you are just using them to serve your own needs. In short, you need women. Why? this is what the woman is asking as she pushes you away. Why do you need women? The truth is that you don't need women. This is what you need to discover. Once you've discovered this you can play with women to your hearts content if that is what you desire rather than being 'played' and mucked about as you choose to see it now.

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

My problem is I fall for the fast. I honestly don't think I made any beta moves. We were having fun together.

I don't want to play games with them either. I know I'm ok alone but honestly I like ***** too much to not be with someone. I like everything that entails being with a woman. NOT Just the physical but emotional aspect.

Will reply to others in a bit. Thanks.

NSX-R · Sep 1, 2015

I might be a newby here but i think situations like yours have been replied quite a lot of times and i'm sure you also know the answer yourself about it.
If she wants to join with her ex then backaway ,delete her from your life and move on. If you feel like this for her it's not because your souls are connected but because it's the only girl in your life. This is another frequently thing descussed here.

If you had more girls in your life with a sexual interest at you ,you wouldn't even remember this chick's name.

And the reason that this happened to you for the 2nd time is for what i already said.

Cejay · Sep 1, 2015

How long have you been separated from the ex-wife?

I found in the first year, my main mistake was moving too fast. I wanted to fill the void.

I suspect its common for guys who were married a while.

CJ.

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

Suspens,

I don't see how I was clingy. As I noticed that I was falling for her I never said anything to her about that or said that I loved her. Also, I never talked to her about exclusivity as I thought it was too soon for that. I kept my feelings in check.

Switch,

Thanks. That was great advice. We say don't fall in love but I think even the most alpha guy falls in love at some point. Its a matter of not looking needy and letting her be the one to bring up relationship talk first as anti-dump suggested. I did those things and still find myself in this situation.

What I'm trying to decide now is if I can or should keep her as a friend. Not sure I can handle that but I feel I should be able to and wour benefit if nothing else because she knows a lot of people especially girls. Many I was introduced to.

Lozboss,

I'll check it out. Thanks.

Reservoir Dog,

I've been mostly alone for close to 2 years now. The relationships I've had after separating from my wife have been brief. I've learned to be alone and undertand that I don't need a woman. However I do want to be with one. Unless, I communicated negative feelings to her subconsciously I don't know what I did wrong.

NSX,

I kept my Tinder profile up but wasn't really looking or dating other chicks. Maybe that was my mistake. Had I been talking to others this would not have affected me as much. Point taken.

Cejay,

2 years separated. With the previous girl I definitely moved things too fast and wanted to fill a void. With this one things kind of moved fast on their own or more her pushing it. I saw it happening and told myself to be careful. As I started developing feelings I made sure I didn't revert to beta behaviors. Have to think back anD see where I went wrong.

Can one remain friends with a girl you have slept with and have feelings for? Is that even possible or smart to do. Two things have me considering it: network of people she can connect me with and the friendship we develop. She was more than just a girl I was ****ing.

Harry Wilmington · Sep 1, 2015

Nu Vision said:
Things went great and we quickly began to develop huge rapport and after two weeks it was like we were together for months. I knew that this was unusual and going too fast. But I went along with it.

THIS, my friend, is where you messed up.

But don't feel bad - it's a mistake that many guys make because (a) they don't know better, and (b) they're usually following the girl's lead. And, as we all know, following a girl's lead in a relationship will usually result in its downfall.

When I read this part, my first thought was, "How is it that it felt like they had been together for months after only two weeks??" But then, I thought about it - if you:

Contacted her everyday
Were seeing her more than once or twice a week
Able to answer her messages right away at any given time

...then this thing was bound to feel like it was "moving too fast for her." Even if it was incoming - i.e. she was the one contacting you all the time, or proposing that you see each other everyday, or constantly messaging you - it was your job to manage the situation and not let these things happen. Instead, you went along with it, which resulted in her losing interest and being open to checking back in with a previous relationship.

You have to understand: to be successful in getting a woman means being PATIENT in the beginning. That means seeing her once a week; calling her 4 days or more after a date to ask her out again; and avoiding the "text trap" of messaging her all the time. Just changing these 3 things alone will make a HUGE impact in your life.

Beyond that - if you need more insights into your situation and how to get the results you REALLY want with women, click on the link in my signature. Hope this helps!

zinc4 · Sep 1, 2015

Sounds like to me there's WAYYYY too much texting and anticipation of texting going on...which means there's probably also too much neediness in other areas going on...

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

Harry Wilmington said:
THIS, my friend, is where you messed up.

But don't feel bad - it's a mistake that many guys make because (a) they don't know better, and (b) they're usually following the girl's lead. And, as we all know, following a girl's lead in a relationship will usually result in its downfall.

When I read this part, my first thought was, "How is it that it felt like they had been together for months after only two weeks??" But then, I thought about it - if you:

Contacted her everyday

Were seeing her more than once or twice a week

Able to answer her messages right away at any given time

...then this thing was bound to feel like it was "moving too fast for her." Even if it was incoming - i.e. she was the one contacting you all the time, or proposing that you see each other everyday, or constantly messaging you - it was your job to manage the situation and not let these things happen. Instead, you went along with it, which resulted in her losing interest and being open to checking back in with a previous relationship.

You have to understand: to be successful in getting a woman means being PATIENT in the beginning. That means seeing her once a week; calling her 4 days or more after a date to ask her out again; and avoiding the "text trap" of messaging her all the time. Just changing these 3 things alone will make a HUGE impact in your life.

Beyond that - if you need more insights into your situation and how to get the results you REALLY want with women, click on the link in my signature. Hope this helps!

Yep. I think you are right. I let my guard down. My mistake was not pursuing other women aND also going with the fast flow of how things were moving thinking it was ok because it was her initiating contact and texting first. So as time went on I killed her attraction by being predictable. I needed to make her work for it more and remain a mystery. I gave her too much too soon not in the form of gifts or verbal communication but my presence.

Ok. At least now I know what I did wrong. Next time will be better.

Anti dump says one can relax a bit more after 3-4 months when the relationship has been cemented.

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

zinc4 said:
Sounds like to me there's WAYYYY too much texting and anticipation of texting going on...which means there's probably also too much neediness in other areas going on...

Yea there was too much texting. Initiated by her mostly but still. Lesson learned.

Harry Wilmington · Sep 1, 2015

Nu Vision said:
Anti dump says one can relax a bit more after 3-4 months when the relationship has been cemented.

That's partially true. A woman has to work for the right to have more access to you, and that comes with the title of "girlfriend." However, you don't want to do what most guys do, which is get the title of "boyfriend" and suddenly switch up the entire program on her.

For example: When I first start dating a girl, I take her out once a week. Once she's the girlfriend, from month 3 to 6 I take her out once a week and meet up with her once a week for "random hang out time." Prior to her being the girlfriend, I never, EVER initiate text, and only make phone calls to ask her out. Once she's the girlfriend, she gets MAAAAAAYBE one or two calls a week where I call just to say "Hey" and chat for a bit... yet still combined with setting up for a date or meet-up.

Ultimately, the things you did to get her are the things that will allow you to keep her. Especially during that first year: even if you get the "boyfriend" title at month three, you can't really get too relaxed until around year 1 - and even then, you always have to be on your toes to make sure it's not getting too boring. But that's a whole 'nother conversation...

skinnyguy · Sep 1, 2015

Harry Wilmington said:
That's partially true. A woman has to work for the right to have more access to you, and that comes with the title of "girlfriend." However, you don't want to do what most guys do, which is get the title of "boyfriend" and suddenly switch up the entire program on her.

For example: When I first start dating a girl, I take her out once a week. Once she's the girlfriend, from month 3 to 6 I take her out once a week and meet up with her once a week for "random hang out time." Prior to her being the girlfriend, I never, EVER initiate text, and only make phone calls to ask her out. Once she's the girlfriend, she gets MAAAAAAYBE one or two calls a week where I call just to say "Hey" and chat for a bit... yet still combined with setting up for a date or meet-up.

Ultimately, the things you did to get her are the things that will allow you to keep her. Especially during that first year: even if you get the "boyfriend" title at month three, you can't really get too relaxed until around year 1 - and even then, you always have to be on your toes to make sure it's not getting too boring. But that's a whole 'nother conversation...

More solid advice by HW.

Personally I think the title of this thread shows how desperate you are...

zinc4 · Sep 1, 2015

General rule of thumb.....before you are bf/gf let it be known you are talking to other girls...one cue to them is if your phone is constantly buzzing when you are on dates. Then that will get them curious...give them something to mull over and ask you about...then they will start working towards your commitment...

Also...stop texting all the time.....I personally despise texting unless it's someone I have already known for a very long time...those meaningless chit chat or "fun and witty" texts bore me to death and waste my time...

Desdinova · Sep 1, 2015

Nu Vision said:
WTF guys! This is the second time in a row that something like this happens to me. A girl going back to an ex.

This is why I keep on saying that women (not men) actually do have "soul mates". In other words, their soul mate is the guy who had the biggest effect on her emotionally, usually somewhat early in her dating life (late teens to mid-20s). Overcoming her soul mate's "high score" is difficult to nearly impossible. She will be forever in love with him.

Nu Vision · Sep 1, 2015

HW,

I hear you. Once you move in with her it gets even more difficult to maintain attraction.

Desdinova,

I see your point but then does this means that it's not going to work for any of us? I mean most girls have a bf that they felt something very special for.

Zinc,

I also don't like texting. I do it because I usually start feeling bad after ignoring for an hr or two. I'll just have to develop a careless attitude and act like I don't care.

Meisterman · Sep 2, 2015

Forget her and if she ever tries to come back to you tell her to TAKE A HIKE BEYOTCHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Dumped Again ... Need Some Advice Guys

Senior Don Juan

Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Don Juan

Senior Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Don Juan

Senior Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Senior Don Juan

Senior Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Master Don Juan

Senior Don Juan

Senior Don Juan