I recently had sone pm's with Konada. He requested I told him basically my life story. I want to share this with everyone and want to hear everyone's opinion. This is a long post, but thanks for those who read and respond.
My first real crush happened at the age of 11 (life before this has been normal for every child I think as far as I can remember). When I saw this girl for the first time I immediately was ‘in love’ as far as this is possible for someone of my age. We became good friends, but she choose someone else, but as being a child, I did not really care as I do now. The reason I heard from one of her friends was because I was not that tall. But again, as a child, this really did not keep me up at night.
At age 12 my father died, my mother did a terrific job of supporting me (and my brother and sister) through these times. When my father passed away I did not ever really talked about it. My whole family didn’t (as far as I know). This is probably where my AFC personality is coming from as I was raised for a large part only by my mother.
Afterwards I went to high school, I had some friends, but they also teased me. When they went swimming or to an amusement park, they invited me, but like I said they also kind of teased me, but I think this is normal teasing in every childs life (thus I do not mean bullying). After two years I changed to another school. I met other friends which are still my friends today (I am 27 currently). At this high school I had another crush, I told people about this crush, but nothing ever happened. I added her on MSN and tried to talk to her, she replied but I was too shy to go further.
With these friends I hung out almost every day, even in winter days. I met other people through them. Two girls who have became a girlfriend.
The first girl I met because one of those friends invited me on a trip to a foreign country. His niece was on this trip as well and she brought a friend. This friend became my girlfriend for almost three years. This was my first girlfriend ever. I ended it because the love was over, but we kept in touch for over two years.
The other girl was the niece of the same friend (but another niece). When she first saw me, she was head over heels in love with me. This was when I was 15 years old. We were always very good friends, I could be myself with her because I know I could do how I wanted because she wanted me (she had boyfriends and even said to me “I would dump him for you”). But I was never truly interested. After five years (and at the same time it was over with my first girlfriend) we hooked up after a night of partying and growing closer and closer. We had a ‘secret’ relationship because I didn’t want to heart break my first girlfriend any further because she would have been devastated. After a year it ended because we had a lot of fights because of my jealousy or because it was of the secret relationship. But she ended it and this was one of the hardest times of my life. When it was over she immediately had a new boyfriend (one of her exes). I didn’t sleep much for over two months. I took a sabatical year from school because I just didn’t had the energy. When it was over with this boyfriend we hooked up again for two nights (this was 4 months after we broke up). I acted pathetic when we broke up and even acted pathetic for particular moments even after 4-5 years (ie ignoring her, answering with just ‘hmm’.) When she had a boyfriend after a year I of course again had a rough week.
About three years after our break up (we have the same friends as I have met her through them), we went on holiday with our group of friends. We do these kind of trips every year, but I don’t know why, but that particular holiday I felt great and confident, I acted normal against her and looking back on this weekend, I see her approaching me, helping me, laughing with me, talking to me. Of course it wasn’t how it used to be, but I don’t know, I can’t help but feel there was more to it.
A year later when I was at a festival and was talking to another girl, this other girl said to me “wow that girl keeps looking at you”. The girl she was referring to was my ex…
Then I met a girl with who I went on holiday for a week, even though she was into me and I was into her, nothing ever happened because of mY AFC personality. One of the first things my ex asks when I got back was “are you together with this girl now?”.
Re: Changing my mindset
Part 2
Today it has been over 6 years we broke up and there are still moments I feel I’m not over it. During these 6 years I only had one ‘relationship’. You can’t call it a relationship because it was an affair with this BPD 13 year older woman.
About this BPD woman. I hooked up with her because she made it all too obvious she was into me. At the first 3-4 months I just was in it for the fun. I think in the end I still was in it for the fun, but I liked her attention and I never saw a normal relationship with her. But then she dumped me and I was devastated. After 5 months since we broke up, I still see her a couple of times a month at the place where I work and although it’s much much better, I still get that stomach turning feeling. More stories about this can be found in threads I started or in the NC thread.
This is a very long answer, thanks for reading through it. I think I included every major event in my life. If not I’ll update.
My first real crush happened at the age of 11 (life before this has been normal for every child I think as far as I can remember). When I saw this girl for the first time I immediately was ‘in love’ as far as this is possible for someone of my age. We became good friends, but she choose someone else, but as being a child, I did not really care as I do now. The reason I heard from one of her friends was because I was not that tall. But again, as a child, this really did not keep me up at night.
At age 12 my father died, my mother did a terrific job of supporting me (and my brother and sister) through these times. When my father passed away I did not ever really talked about it. My whole family didn’t (as far as I know). This is probably where my AFC personality is coming from as I was raised for a large part only by my mother.
Afterwards I went to high school, I had some friends, but they also teased me. When they went swimming or to an amusement park, they invited me, but like I said they also kind of teased me, but I think this is normal teasing in every childs life (thus I do not mean bullying). After two years I changed to another school. I met other friends which are still my friends today (I am 27 currently). At this high school I had another crush, I told people about this crush, but nothing ever happened. I added her on MSN and tried to talk to her, she replied but I was too shy to go further.
With these friends I hung out almost every day, even in winter days. I met other people through them. Two girls who have became a girlfriend.
The first girl I met because one of those friends invited me on a trip to a foreign country. His niece was on this trip as well and she brought a friend. This friend became my girlfriend for almost three years. This was my first girlfriend ever. I ended it because the love was over, but we kept in touch for over two years.
The other girl was the niece of the same friend (but another niece). When she first saw me, she was head over heels in love with me. This was when I was 15 years old. We were always very good friends, I could be myself with her because I know I could do how I wanted because she wanted me (she had boyfriends and even said to me “I would dump him for you”). But I was never truly interested. After five years (and at the same time it was over with my first girlfriend) we hooked up after a night of partying and growing closer and closer. We had a ‘secret’ relationship because I didn’t want to heart break my first girlfriend any further because she would have been devastated. After a year it ended because we had a lot of fights because of my jealousy or because it was of the secret relationship. But she ended it and this was one of the hardest times of my life. When it was over she immediately had a new boyfriend (one of her exes). I didn’t sleep much for over two months. I took a sabatical year from school because I just didn’t had the energy. When it was over with this boyfriend we hooked up again for two nights (this was 4 months after we broke up). I acted pathetic when we broke up and even acted pathetic for particular moments even after 4-5 years (ie ignoring her, answering with just ‘hmm’.) When she had a boyfriend after a year I of course again had a rough week.
About three years after our break up (we have the same friends as I have met her through them), we went on holiday with our group of friends. We do these kind of trips every year, but I don’t know why, but that particular holiday I felt great and confident, I acted normal against her and looking back on this weekend, I see her approaching me, helping me, laughing with me, talking to me. Of course it wasn’t how it used to be, but I don’t know, I can’t help but feel there was more to it.
A year later when I was at a festival and was talking to another girl, this other girl said to me “wow that girl keeps looking at you”. The girl she was referring to was my ex…
Then I met a girl with who I went on holiday for a week, even though she was into me and I was into her, nothing ever happened because of mY AFC personality. One of the first things my ex asks when I got back was “are you together with this girl now?”.
Re: Changing my mindset
Part 2
Today it has been over 6 years we broke up and there are still moments I feel I’m not over it. During these 6 years I only had one ‘relationship’. You can’t call it a relationship because it was an affair with this BPD 13 year older woman.
About this BPD woman. I hooked up with her because she made it all too obvious she was into me. At the first 3-4 months I just was in it for the fun. I think in the end I still was in it for the fun, but I liked her attention and I never saw a normal relationship with her. But then she dumped me and I was devastated. After 5 months since we broke up, I still see her a couple of times a month at the place where I work and although it’s much much better, I still get that stomach turning feeling. More stories about this can be found in threads I started or in the NC thread.
This is a very long answer, thanks for reading through it. I think I included every major event in my life. If not I’ll update.
