Too old to party in clubs but don't want to settle down - show me the way

Although it's hard to take someone with a username like Yo'Mama seriously, I assure you this is a real quandary. The title says it all.

For the first time in a long while, I went out to a club yesterday. At 36 I wasn't the oldest guy in the place but I was way above the average age. Not that I felt particularly self conscious, I look pretty young, but still there will come a time soon when I will be the 'old guy at the bar' (if i'm not already).

I don't look down on old guys at the bar at all and if I end up being that man, so be it. I just feel at sea at the moment. I think the life path for people that want to do things in a very plain vanilla way is clear. Go to college, graduate, join the work force, get married, buy a house and have kids. I don't really want to do that. Actually just writing it out makes me shudder with terror. Yet I can feel myself slipping down that path just because it's the easy thing to do and I don't have a clear idea of other paths open to us men.

I'd really like to hear from some of the 35+ guys who haven't settled down about your lifestyles and whether you have any regrets about staying single or whether you're living the vida loca. I'm just trying to picture life from here on in and whether it makes sense to cave in and get married (to the girl I'm with and the girl I'd be happy to stay with if she didn't feel the need to get married) or whether to commit to staying on my own, while everybody (I mean everybody) around me is playing house.

I met a friend at this club yesterday. He is older than me (41) and married with kdis. On the one hand he was showing me videos of his kids doing karate, etc, speaking about them with real affection. On the other hand he was like a wild man. Chasing women with manic, high energy, getting into fights (I had to pull him awawy) which betrayed his general frustration with things. It's hard to know what to make of such a character and it just got me thinking. I asked him if he was happy and he said he didn't regret anything which is good for him, but at the same time I'm not sure I want to be married with kids and chasing skirt like there's no tomorrow.

I hear you bro. I just got out of a 5 year LTR in April. I'm 37, about to turn 38. So, I've been single again for about a year. I'm facing the same feelings. I think it has to do with all my friends being married or settled down.

I'd like to hear the other guys opinion on this. I have never been part of this community but was part of the fast seduction boards for a long time. Now, I feel like it's time to hang it up. I don't really feel like I'm the old guy in the club/bar, but it's just not interesting to me anymore.

I actually met someone who is willing to play my game. FWB no questions but you can tell she wants more, but at the same time she is saying that she is telling her friends she's not worried about putting titles on us. I'm thinking, she's good enough to settle down with. But at the same time, for me it's not worth it to settle down at this age unless I'm considering marriage.

It's funny how we shift gears in life. Five years ago, if you would've told me I would be at this place, I would've laughed my ass off. For me, I know I'm not married because I haven't found a woman that makes me want to committ to her. Point blank.

Hey Outlaw,

Thanks for the reply. Really interesting to hear from you, especially given that we're about the same age and in similar situations.

At least in your case there is the hope that when you do find the right woman, which I think you will, you know you will be happy to commit to her. I don't want to commit, period. It could be just that I haven't made the right woman but I've thought about and looked into this a lot and I'm not sure that lifelong monogamy is the way we're supposed to live. If guys can make it work then all power to them, I just don't think I can.

When you say you would have laughed if five years ago you had been told you would be where you are now, what do you mean? Where did you expect to be?

I hear ya OP.

It's funny, some other guys on here recommend for all of us to go to clubs and pick up chicks. "why aren't you guys going to clubs, they're full of ladies!! Didn't you know that??" Dude, I started going to clubs when I was 16 and was more or less burnt out by them by my early 20's. In my younger days I lived it up, the lights of the city would be calling my name. You had to chain me down to keep me from going out, staying in on a weekend night was unheard of. Now I'm more than content staying in on a weekend night, even if I'm alone, I'll read a book and have some whisky, I'm good. Really, guys at our age should already be in a committed relationship, IMO. Going out picking up chicks gets old sometimes, for me anyways. Yes, I still hit the bars now and then, these days I'll take a live band over a club any day. But, when I'm there, I'm mostly content sitting back, relaxing, and just taking things in. Not running around the bar full of energy, hitting on everything that walks by. Back in the day I had a few opportunities to settle down and get married, quite a few, but I just wasn't 100% about them, and I wasn't going to settle. Looking back, I'm still glad I didn't make that step, I knew I wouldn't ultimately be happy. Now, my only wish is that I would have found one that I would have felt comfortable making that decision with.

These days I have my plates here and there, one right now, a few more simmering, but even with my plate, I like hanging out with her, but she's not someone I'd want to settle down with, so after we "hang out" I don't even want to stay at her place, she even knows she has to get me drunk in order for me to stay over, haha. Back in the day, it wouldn't even be a question staying over, I just don't feel it now. I guess maybe through the years I've closed myself off somewhat, been through the trenches and realized that $hit just isn't going to be all peaches and cream.

I have one son, in his teens, and it dawned on me a few years ago that he may be the only child I have. I always figured I'd get married some day. In my 20's I had my whole life ahead of me, that I'd eventually have it all figured out, and settle down into a harmonious, happy life. Now it seems my best days are slowly slipping away, and I still don't know what direction I'm headed in. Earlier today I was contemplating figuring out a way to go back to school, my "carreer" isn't something I'm excited about, so all around, I'm just not feeling....really anything. Even with all of my experiences, I've been told on a few occasions I should write a book, I feel I haven't made any progress in the last ten years. It feels like I'm stuck in limbo.

Not sure about the 40's but the 30's seem to be a tough time. In your 20's your allowed to fvck up, test things out, go down the wrong path a few times, but when you hit your 30's you're supposed to have things figured out, already made your way through the muck.

When you haven't, it's tough. Sometimes you find yourself staring at the mirror, what happened to this guy, what's happening to this guy, where's he going?

Thanks Peaks & Valleys. What you said resonated with me a lot. I feel like I'm in the same boat at the moment, just sort of drifting along without any clear picture for the future. Many guys here would say focus on your career, making $$, etc. But like you I just can't get that excited about it. I'm close to finishing a novel which I have loved doing but the chances of making a money from writing are pretty slim, I understand, so it will likely remain just a hobby.

Your last line was pretty powerful, about looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell is going on. There's no sense of panic or terror about it, it's more just bewilderment. Maybe it's a good thing though, not to know exactly what the future holds.

Interesting answers so far. I'm waiting to see if anybody is going to post in this thread and say they're totally happy that they stayed single, are having the time of their lives, wouldn't settle down for anything.

To further clarify, what I'm really trying to say is that I feel, as guys, life stages are somewhat foisted upon us. My mentality is the same now as when I was twenty, i.e. I want to date women, have fun, be in a serious relationship maybe but without any pressure of marriage or kids. But at this age, unless you're involved with a much younger girl, a woman's biological clock ends up affecting us (men I mean). If I was twenty now, I'd have no issues whatsoever because what I want would be perfectly aligned with what guys that age are supposed to do. But I'm not, I'm 36.

I think for some of the 35+ guys, it's about finding the right girl, whereas for me I've already found the right girl and I STILL don't want to settle down. I guess what I'm looking for is someone to say, 'Don't worry, stay single, it just gets better and better into your late thirties and forties.'

Prior to going out to that club last night, I hadn't been out in this place for a long time (over a year). Last night reminded me why I stopped going, it gets old as you guys have said. The whole vibe was just ridicuously silly. I found it hard to deal with being in a place where girls start screaming in excitement because some terrible song by Rhianna or Justin Bieber gets played. It made me want to ram my head into the wall.
Aside from online gaming or day gaming, there should be an alternative night venue for picking up younger ladies for older guys who want to meet girls in a more sophisticated environment. I like the image of a guy who travels a lot on business, expertly seducing women from city to city. I'm basically saying I want to be that guy in the Sade song, 'Smooth Operator,' lol.

Sorry for rambling, it's just a weird place to be in. I do feel like society clearly maps out what's expected of men and women at various life stages. And if you deviate from the pre-planned route, it's easy to end up feeling a bit marginalised.

Yo'Mama said:

I'm close to finishing a novel which I have loved doing but the chances of making a money from writing are pretty slim, I understand, so it will likely remain just a hobby.

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I actually started writing a fiction novel myself, a few years ago. Kind of ended up writing myself into a writers knot though, ideas started getting mixed together, then I just ended up dropping it. I did get about 20,000 words down, close to half way. I revisted it recently and almost posted one of the chapters on here to get some reviews on it, see if it's actually something worth continuing.

That's awesome you're finishing up with one. I looked into it, and it seems you're lucky if you pocket $1 per book sold. Unless it's a best seller, or you have a $hit ton of them, it's not really something you can make a good living off of. Still, it's something, a residual, plus a pretty cool achievement IMO. Not a bad hobby at all.

Thanks man, well if you're happy to do so please shoot me what you've written and I'd love to read what you've done and let you know what I think, if it would be useful. Maybe try to figure out where you could go from here. 20,000 words is a great start and it would be a shame to leave it there. I'm actually looking for another writer to share ideas with, etc.

I'm 60,000 words in and understand that for first novel between 80-90,000 words is ideal, in terms of trying to get stuff published. I'd absolutely love to make a living from writing but as you say it's very difficult. I find it so funny that as a lawyer I can easily make decent wedge doing something utterly meaningless, that any one of a million other lawyer clones could do, yet doing something creative and original like writing novels pays nothing or next to nothing. Funny world.

Yo Mama, where do you live and are there any Latin-style clubs near you? Not mm-ch-mm-ch clubs but salsa, samba, etc. A guy your age (or even twice your age) can go to a salsa club, grab a girl by the hand, and dance with her.

Salsa is a fairly easy dance to learn the basics. Dress up a little (not to the nines but look good) and head to one. Often there are live bands in Cuban or Mexican restaurants with little or no cover. Well in NYC anyway. You can also take classes which is always recommended around here.

Yo'Mama said:

When you say you would have laughed if five years ago you had been told you would be where you are now, what do you mean? Where did you expect to be?

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I mean that I thought I would be where you are. Not ready to committ to one woman...EVER. Now, I'm at that point. So here is my thing. Take your time. Don't make yourself wrong for not wanting to committ.

I was fine when I wasn't ready to committ, then one of my plates (as you guys refer to them here) asked for a committment & I said yes. It was the best decision of my life, because she was not a match for me. I learned a lot about myself & a lot about what it takes to be in a monogamous relationship.

Yo'Mama said:

I feel like I'm in the same boat at the moment, just sort of drifting along without any clear picture for the future. Many guys here would say focus on your career, making $$, etc. But like you I just can't get that excited about it.

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So, to clarify why people suggest this. I started a business 5 years ago as well. It had been on my mind & my ex pushed me to do it. Now that I'm out of a relationship my focus is to hustle to a point where I can get a super early retirement. I'm talking 5 years from now.

With that mentality comes along a serious focus. With that focus comes a management of time. With that management of time comes no time for women. Spinning plates? Please, I don't have time for it anymore. With that comes along, if I can find one woman who gets me and is on-board with the vision, then I'm telling her hop into the passenger seat and let's ride. THEN, and only then, can you meet the right person. Does that make sense?

That is where I am currently.

Thanks Outlaw. Understood now.

I went to a club again now. Pulled this amazing looking 23 year old. Have to say, however shallow this is, I live for this s***. Think my mind is as good as made up. Want to keep on doing this until it is boring or i can't do it anymore.

Yo'Mama said:

Thanks Outlaw. Understood now.

I went to a club again now. Pulled this amazing looking 23 year old. Have to say, however shallow this is, I live for this s***. Think my mind is as good as made up. Want to keep on doing this until it is boring or i can't do it anymore.

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What do you mean pulled? You made it past second base or what?

Dear Yo Mama,
Sam has it right...You can also take classes which is always recommended around here."....I hesitated to trot out the same old Scarra Mantra extolling the benefits of Dancing,I am glad Sam has taken up the baton!

You posted"Want to keep on doing this until it is boring or i can't do it anymore you will tire of clubs,that's for sure,but assuming you have the mazooma to live the life,the DJ life style once tasted becomes addictive!

Thanks Outlaw. All understood. Sounds like you're doing great.
Scaramouche - yes, it's amazing how addictive it can't be! When things go well it's quite the buzz. It's not even about sex always. It's just the uncertainty of what might happen, who you might meet. I think it's just because I hate the idea of having my life mapped out ahead of me, knowing what I'll be doing and who I'll be with a year from now.
Malice - unfortunately I have no recollection of making that post yesterday. I met a lovely looking girl in the club. We were talking and kissing a lot. I vaguely remember her agreeing to come back to mine but I don't remember much after that. What is true is that she didn't come back to mine. I can only think that I sabotaged myself by drinking too much and possibly just wandered off. I need to drink far less. It's not doing me any good at the moment.

Yo'Mama said:

I need to drink far less. It's not doing me any good at the moment.

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Yo bro, when you can PU without drinking, your game will shoot through the roof. When I stopped drinking, I was so much more aware of what needed to happen in order to escalate things. I realized as Alfred said in one of the Batman movies when he said, "would you like some liquid confidence?" I was using it as confidence, but when I worked on my inner game, I dropped the alcohol.

Yo'Mama said:

Thanks Outlaw. All understood. Sounds like you're doing great.
Scaramouche - yes, it's amazing how addictive it can't be! When things go well it's quite the buzz. It's not even about sex always. It's just the uncertainty of what might happen, who you might meet. I think it's just because I hate the idea of having my life mapped out ahead of me, knowing what I'll be doing and who I'll be with a year from now.
Malice - unfortunately I have no recollection of making that post yesterday. I met a lovely looking girl in the club. We were talking and kissing a lot. I vaguely remember her agreeing to come back to mine but I don't remember much after that. What is true is that she didn't come back to mine. I can only think that I sabotaged myself by drinking too much and possibly just wandered off. I need to drink far less. It's not doing me any good at the moment.

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Total blackout like that? sounds like you are doing more than drinking. You sure you didn't pop a few pills too? Only benzos make you black out like that.

Hi Outlaw and Kingpin,

I went through college without drinking. I mean I was teetotal. But recently it's getting out of hand. It's not that I drink so often but when I do I drink a lot. I'm a bit worried about it.

Kingpin - I take Xanax and Klonopin sometimes. However on this occasion I hadn't taken any benzos on that day.

Outlaw, you're right. Actually drinking shoots my game to hell. It's just a confidence thing as you say.

Yo'Mama said:

Outlaw, you're right. Actually drinking shoots my game to hell. It's just a confidence thing as you say.

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Yeah bro. It's ok man. We all have our vices. We also all have our insecurities. However, this sounds like some type of coping mechanism. Put another way, self-medicating. Or just numbing out.

Maybe it's correlated to your OP, maybe not. I'm not trying to psycho-analyze you, but a good place to start is asking, "what's making you do this?" You likely know. You don't have to share it with us, but I would share it with someone, especially if the drinking concerns you.

It's best to nip stuff like that in the bud sooner, rather than later.

Gentlemen, your SUN has NOT set YET! I am 28. I just had a 1.5 year relationship with a 20year old. Us men get better with age! I feel like right now I am amping up to hitting my prime. I am in an awkward stage, im working my way to being more successful. I do want children and a woman to love. I hope I can find that some day again. For now my focus is on living in the moment and making money whilst saving $$ for the future. i think the issue here is that you feel like the last 10 years have been a waste and you havent reached your goals or made any

Thanks Julian. You're 29 though. It's a bit different.