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buddies disapearing after getting a girlfriend

pyros

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The majority of my buddies have vanished in the half a year or so.
Out of 12 guys (not all close friends of course), now 7 are in a relationship, 3 were just 'party' friends, 1 became really selfish so I dont want his friendship anymore, and the last one works a lot.

So here I am, 29 years old, and all of the sudden I just have one friend left I see regularly (from another group of friends). In the last 3 months my old buddies have not said a word about going to the movies, go to party, or to grab a beer. They are all silent...even our whatsapp group is dead.

I dont know what to do. Lately I find myself in the situation that I do not have any buddies to go out, except one who is a good friend but you know.
Three months ago I could choose to go out with this group of friends, with this other guy, or with some chick I was seing, but now...

What really makes my angry is that all these guys are with their girlfriends (every damn day and night) and they do not seem to have any interest in hanging out with their guy 'friends' anymore. It's just like they spend all their time with their gf's, all the damn time, every single day, and the do not even want to spend a couple of hours having a beer with their 'friends'.

When I was 20 we hung out everyweek,. Up until three months ago or so, we usually hung out once or twice a month, sometimes they brough their gf as well which was ok, but now...nothing...the void.

I dont know if I should tell them something but it is crystal clear they do not give a shít...

P.S.
I read somewhere that this is pretty common but it's just stupid. When I have a gf I dont like to spend 100% of the time with her, I like to see my buddies, but it seems they do the opposite.
 

Building_and_Loan

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Same here, I'm 29 now and I have like no regular friends anymore. All the guys I hung out with and partied with in my 20's are now married and have a kid or two so they don't go out at all, or they hang out with their married friends. Or, the vast majority of my friends use to be work friends, but that was when I worked at the State House in government where there a ton of people, but I no longer work there.

The last girl I was seeing ended up leaving me for another guy. I hope I didn't make it too obvious that I didn't have much of a life outside of her and work, but I probably did. It sucks, it's not like I wanted to be around her 24/7, but when a girl knows she's your primary source of going out, she'll feel like you're a huge investment and probably be less attracted to you because of your status not being very high.
 

skinnyguy

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They probably think you're too busy with your girlfriend.

One of my best friends got married and had a baby. I would never think to call him up to go to a movie or a club- why bother when I know he will say no? He has flaked on me more than once and I have low tolerance for that. I'm happy that he's happy but ultimately we have two completely different lives.

It seems like you are expecting them to initiate. This won't work. Unless you initiate they will assume you are had home on the couch watching TV with your girl.
 

logicallefty

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I have been through this in the past.

What you have to do with the buddies you still want to hang with are say "Hey look, I know we are all getting older and have busy lives but we really need to hang. How about <1-2 weeks away> at location X we do Y? " Be the assertive one to try and work something out. Give them a little more leeway than you would a plate, etc. But then eventually if they come up with too many excuses too many times, write them off and go NC and wait for them.

I have buddies that I only see maybe 4-5 times a year, but I always try to keep regular contact with them even if it's no more than sending them a text message with a joke. anything. I also know they are the ones who I could call up if I were in the deepest of jams and they would be there yesterday.

With your buddies, another thing you will find is that many of them no longer want to hang with you once you "change" per se and swallow the red pill. If they knew you for 20 years as an AFC and then all the sudden you transform, it can be more for some of them to take. I have had many tell me "Man you have changed what happened?" My response "Have I changed for the bad or am I just different?". If you drill them enough they usually can't come up with factual reasons to say it's bad, its just not what they are used to. If they give you too much cr@p about it, walk away, they aren't a true friend....

I guess in summary regarding buddies I say this: treat them kind of like you do women, but be a bit more lenient and tolerant than you would a woman. Give them more chances than you would a woman, but in the end don't hesitate to walk away if the buddy doesn't do anything to make your life better and be someone positive for YOU.
 

VladPatton

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Yup, same shıt happened to me over the years. One by one they disappeared off the face of the earth. Kinda started when I was 27 or so. Shıt sucks, gentlemen, get used to it. Your friends will always abandon you in the presence of puṣṣy. Wanna know what comes next? Engagement parties. Then weddings. After that it's babies. It's just what happens.
 

old_skoolr

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Being 25 alot of my friends are in relationships or married. I'm the only single one left really, so yeh I do get bored alot.

Though I was blessed to have 3 close friends in high school who even though we may see each other 1 every 2-3 months, its like nothings changed and we can spend a night laughing at stupid things. That to me is true friendship.

I do have friends I used to go clubbing with, but alot of them are just drama. They hang with you for a year get gfs and dissapear. Now I go clubbing with 21 yo guys and I'm 25 haha.
 

Dhoulmagus

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Ya I don't remember my dad ever having friends lol.
 

mangotot

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This is the way of the world, people come and go all the time. As for your friends, its their right if they have better things to do and no longer want to see you. You guys should just go make more friends.
 

Bingo-Player

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This is why it’s essential for you to build as many social circles as you can in your late teens and early 20’s

I’m 23 now and already i can tell the “guide to life” is starting to strangle a few of my mates

I am fortunate as i am perfectly capable of entertaining myself for vast periods of time and if i do feel the need for company to go out then i know i will be able to find someone to come with

But i know a few of my other single friends don’t have this luxury and are really starting to stress out that they’re “going to be left behind”

One guy was literally having panic attacks at one point because his twin brother got a GF and he couldn’t get hold of me for a couple weeks so was left “alone”

I feel sometimes that some aspects of the game applies to friendships aswell .......I.E don’t be too available / desperate etc etc

Also noticing a lot of people my age simply settling for the next thing that comes along even if that other person isn’t completely right for them they will get in a relationship just for the sake of it

Actually come to think of it that’s what 85% of marriages are built on
 

The LadyKiller

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I'm 26 and am in this same situation. However, I offer a moral to those guys who only spend all of their time with their gf and none with their buddies.

In the span of two months, my three closest friends all jumped into relationships. Although I was fortunate to be working weekends at the time, my social life hit a standstill because they would spend all of their time with their dates. After a few months, two of the three loosened the reigns and we slowly but surely started hanging out again. Now, we have one night each weekend where we go out, the other night they're alone with their girl. Fair enough.

As for the other friend? Well, he and I still talk. I knew him best and we work together as well, so keeping in touch wasn't too tough. However, he never really kept in touch with the other two friends. He is newly single, but not going out with us at any point in the last year-plus has hurt him. I invited him out with us last week, and it was awkward! One of my two other friends knows him better than the other, but their conversation sounded like two people who hadn't spoken in years. He and the other friend in the group don't know each other especially well, and not much was said.

Back to my original point - these other guys who spend all of their time with their girlfriends are going to lose out on friendships. It's tough for us who have to deal with being lonely now, but it will hurt them in the long run once they realized what they sacrificed.
 

Loki.7

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pyros said:
The majority of my buddies have vanished in the half a year or so.
Out of 12 guys (not all close friends of course), now 7 are in a relationship, 3 were just 'party' friends, 1 became really selfish so I dont want his friendship anymore, and the last one works a lot.

So here I am, 29 years old, and all of the sudden I just have one friend left I see regularly (from another group of friends). In the last 3 months my old buddies have not said a word about going to the movies, go to party, or to grab a beer. They are all silent...even our whatsapp group is dead.

I dont know what to do. Lately I find myself in the situation that I do not have any buddies to go out, except one who is a good friend but you know.
Three months ago I could choose to go out with this group of friends, with this other guy, or with some chick I was seing, but now...

What really makes my angry is that all these guys are with their girlfriends (every damn day and night) and they do not seem to have any interest in hanging out with their guy 'friends' anymore. It's just like they spend all their time with their gf's, all the damn time, every single day, and the do not even want to spend a couple of hours having a beer with their 'friends'.

When I was 20 we hung out everyweek,. Up until three months ago or so, we usually hung out once or twice a month, sometimes they brough their gf as well which was ok, but now...nothing...the void.

I dont know if I should tell them something but it is crystal clear they do not give a shít...

P.S.
I read somewhere that this is pretty common but it's just stupid. When I have a gf I dont like to spend 100% of the time with her, I like to see my buddies, but it seems they do the opposite.
Happened to me like a year ago, it sent me in a pit of dispare. :,(. I litrally had nobody to hand out with and nothing too do.

So all I did was thow myself into things I could do alone, fishing and gym mainly. I was like Iv got no one to hang out with, if this is how it is so be it, I accept all my friends have lives and moved on.

I got really happy and content being a loner..... Few months later it went full everyone is back and nagging me to hang out. Really weird and im kinda juggling everyone, and trying to spread my time between everyone. Litrally everyone is fighting for my attention.

What I learned, have a foundation, I DON'T NEED ANYONE, im happy on my own, priorities the things love. It's nice having everyone orbiting me again, but if they all got lost in space I'd still be just as happy.

I would not think about it too much, just do the things you love doing.... Don't even stress over you're friends. Use the time to not need anyone, things will go in a circle and they will all be back or replaced with new people. Just use this special time wisely, great time for you to grow stronger.
 

PeasantPlayer

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Me and some of my friends have a poker night every week. The guys who come and are married sometimes talk about their bad relationships and entertaining the thoughts of getting an escort. Other friends are just completely off the grid with their girlfriends.....boring ass dudes get no attention from their families I guess
 

Harry Wilmington

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As a guy who does NOT disappear from his friends when he's in a relationship, I can tell you EXACTLY why men disappear when they get into relationships. Strap yourselves in, though, boys, 'cause it ain't gonna be pretty...

So, when you first meet the girl and you're getting to know each other, all is well. You're able to visit your friends as much as you want to because she's not the girlfriend yet - you and her are just dating, and she's doing everything to appease you so there's no arguments when you choose to hang out with your buds instead of her.

But then, she gets the "girlfriend" title. And as soon as she gets it, the first thing she thinks is that (a) she deserves special treatment, and (b) she deserves MORE of your attention than other people do.

And to some extent, she's right - she should be treated differently than all other females in your life who are just "friends", and you should be wanting to spend more time with her....

BUT...

Here's where the problem occurs: in many cases, part of the demand from her for more attention is wanting you to spend LESS time with others. Why? Because in her head, any time you're spending with friends (when she's not there) is time you're NOT spending with her. And women can get very jealous about this because, in their head, they assume you spending time with someone else is because you're not really wanting to spend as much time with her.

Sound stupid? I know - but unfortunately that is what they sell you on. First, they'll try the seduction route - "Oh, are you sure you have to go spend time with Bill, Bob, and Baxter? Wouldn't you rather stay here with me?" (as she starts kissing on your neck or slowly taking off her clothing). And, on the off-chance you're trying to stand your ground and still want to go hang with friends, they'll flip and go for the guilt trip - "Oh, so you're saying you don't want to spend time with me? Fine, go ahead then, spend time with your buddies and just leave me here by myself! You don't really want to be with me, do you??" (small tears start to form in her eyes)

Interestingly, there have been recent studies done that state that part of the reason men don't like conflict is because it sets off the pain sensors in their heads that we so desperately try to avoid. Women, on the other hand, are able to adapt to this pain a lot easier because they are better equipped to deal with varying emotions (while we'd prefer to just have everything be calm and cool because we don't have the same need for ever-changing emotions).

Why do I bring this up? Because it relates to why your guy friends stop hanging out with you: they fear that doing so will upset their woman, which means they'll have to have an argument; arguments are intense things and create strong angry emotions, which are painful for guys to have to experience; so, rather than experience it, they would rather do whatever they can to keep the peace (i.e. avoid pain) in the relationship, and they do so by catering to the woman's needs and hanging out with her instead of you.

Now me, being the person I am, don't let a woman deter me from the agenda of hanging with my friends or having guy time (or even hang out time with girls who are just friends of mine). BUT, when I first start dating a girl, these same things DO initially come up. For example, me and a girl might be hanging out, and I'll tell her in advance that I'm going to be hanging out with my friends at X-time. Then, when X-time is approaching, they'll say something like "are you sure you have to go hang out?" My response: "Yep, already made the plans and I hate to flake."

On the off-chance that they start getting mad or looking all sad that I'm not spending more time with them in that moment, my response is always the same: let them be mad, go do what I want to do, and talk to them about it later. Why? Because I've learned three things:

1. Even if she doesn't know it, a woman RESPECTS a man that has a life outside of her
2. A woman actually WANTS to feel the emotion of "angry" at her mate from time to time - it allows her that roller coaster of emotions she actually NEEDS to be "happy" in the long run
3. Women are MUCH more forgiving than men give them credit for. So, if you go out and do what you want to do, then come back and explain to her that you like her but also need to be able to nourish the other relationships in your life, 9 times out of 10 she WILL be forgiving - and ACCEPTING - of your actions.

But, in order to do that, a man has to be willing to go through the pains of his woman being mad at him the first few times he tries to hang out without her. And, unfortunately as you have learned, a lot of men aren't willing to do that because the risk of losing her, combined with the pain of getting into an argument, is too much for them to deal with.
 

Solomon

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Great thread, and I wish I could respond more in detail but Pyros you're spot on. I have gone/going through the same exact thing, but it's not just girlfriends but also buddies who get a degree/career etc and now they think their hot shyt

The worse is, like you said they don't give a "shyt" some of these buddies change over time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

The funny part is as soon as those "buddies" are single, you're one of the first people they will call or hit up to hang out.

This is because now you're on the same wavelength again as where before when they had a girlfriend/wife they were on a different wavelength

I will respond more in full, but this is an excellent thread
 

Steady Eddie

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This is the natural cycle of life. You can't change nor stop it.

When this happened to me I felt extremely alone and I wondered why I was being left on the shelf. It took me years to realise I was a loner and a permanent girlfriend wasn't for me.
I took this enforced solitude hard but used it to analyse myself. First off I realised I was a dancing monkey to potential dates. Friends had told me as much but I needed to realise it for myself.

An ex showed me how I could look better using face scrub. It worked and I got a little more attention than I would have gotten otherwise. This revelation slowly but surely led me to eating healthier and changing my diet.

A year ago a customer at work said I would be right for his daughter. I had to tell him I was too old for his daughter.

The point of all this is you can use this time to dwell on what has been or you can use it to make some home improvements.
 

logicallefty

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Harry hit it perfectly.. I have nothing to add.
 

Jaylan

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My friend group has had a guy or two do this in the past. But we've had the talk with them a couple times to set them straight. Nowadays we keep in good contact, and talk a decent bit, even if we dont hang out as much compared to our teens and earlier 20s.

Life gets busy with work and women, but we still make times for hangouts at least once a month, and definitely more during football season and during warmer weather when theres more to do.

Its all about effort, and valuing your long friendships, and valuing your male friendships in general. My closer friends and I definitely value bro time. While most of my friends are starting to settle down, the closer friends make time for their bros.They know life isnt all about puzzy.

Most of all, having good best bros keeps one sane. A guy whos simply all about the woman in his life is not a great friend. Thats not someone who will have your back imo. I treat my women well and can spend a lot of time with them, but Im always around for my bros.
 
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