Self-improvement advice : being too positive and hyper

Nikar · Dec 15, 2014

Hi all,

Earlier this year when I started working on myself, attending dance classes often, reading self-help books, befriending positive fun people, staying away from put-downers etc, I've become a lot more lively, cheerful and happy nowadays.

However, externally, this kind of energy somehow manifested itself in my actions, like my tendency nowadays to smile and laugh a lot more, and more importantly, my hand gestures and body language start becoming a lot more animated when I talk.

I realized most adult men tend to have very cool & composed body language, maybe a slight smile once in a while. For my kind of more animated behavior, maybe it's ok for girls, but not guys?

I mean, talking with other equally animated people is ok, but since most people aren't that hyper, maybe I should tone it down a bit?

A friend says that being too friendly can scare people LOL

Tks for any insight!

Meisterman · Dec 16, 2014

Having a tendency to over smile, or smile uncontrollably, is a symptom of anxiety, and used as a way to seek approval. This is why baby chimps smile to demonstrate subservience to their superiors.

There's nothing wrong with smiling. But you should do so consciously and because you choose to do so. Your smiling shouldn't be based on acute emotional reaction that you can't control. Because as I said, that's actually anxiety.

I would actually say that it is MORE important with girls than with guys. With guys you can be a little more lax knowing your bros aren't gonna judge you for dumb sh*t you do. But a girl on the other hand, as soon as she notices you're an AFC chump who can't control his emotions and has no center, her interest will decline.

Remember, a woman wants a sturdy rock that won't sway in the wind, or in high tide or low tide.

Be the man who makes his environment a product of himself, instead of simply being a product of your environment.

Serenity · Dec 16, 2014

I usually get on the level with the person I'm talking to, that works pretty much every damn time. Slow and fast are adjustable factors, not one fits all. I personally like to advise against ideals, because it compromises flexibility. Being less flexible means less opportunities.

mangotot · Dec 16, 2014

Why not carry on as you are? It seems to be having a positive effect.

62Telecaster · Dec 16, 2014

Nah..."the first thing a girl notices is a smile" has been tossed at me more than a few times; just don't be some yappy idiot and weird about it and you're good. I have a bit of crooked smile that is always a part of my expressions, and girls always love it/notice it. Same thing with my hands...I teach for a living and started gesturing as a result, and girls always take it positively; more of a captivating/story teller type of character trait if not overdone and ridiculous.

Girls want a guy with charisma and a positive disposition, all of that "stoic, brooding badass" crap is a dumb misnomer that only makes you seem cool to other guys...continue on with being yourself and being positive. Just make sure that you're not overdoing it to the point of being flamboyant and awkward, and your good.

Nikar · Dec 16, 2014

Tks for the input, guys. Yeah, I notice the smile really has a positive effect on girls so far. When you smile at them when you say hi (of course, not every single second), their eyes lit up and their faces beam, compared to my previous behavior where I would keep my face stern and unflinching, and that seems creepy in comparison

narcissist · Dec 16, 2014

F*ck that. Don't be less positive because others have a tendency to have sh*tty life.. If you are truely happy and positive then embody it brah. Nothing wrong with that. It's called self amusement. Those people who don't like it are negative and you don't want them in your life. You are basically asking if you should downplay your own happiness for others. I say NEVER do that.

Dont let others rain on your parade! Smile and have fun with life brah!

Keep up the positivity my dude

Atom Smasher · Dec 17, 2014

Positivity and lightheartedness must be tempered with "cool" or you will come across as weak and feminine.

A man's attractiveness comes largely from displaying C O N T R O L.

When an attractive man smiles, he holds back a little. When he moves, he does so deliberately and slowly. He never appears rushed, because an attractive man has control over time and space itself.

Being animated, moving the head around a lot, talking and moving fast, are all signs of weakness and nervousness. Women are hard-wired to desire that which they are not, that which they lack. A man who is in control of himself and his surroundings is irresistible to a woman because there is nothing within her that enables her to have such mastery. She is the unstable ocean, you are the rocky shoreline.

Move deliberately. Keep in mind that you are grounded to the earth. Take up space. LOTS of space. WHen you sit down, take out your keys and put them out around you in order to claim territory. I carry two key rings with me and taking them out and putting them around me is very powerful.Avoid the gay-ish moving of the head when speaking. Display mastery over time and space at all times. Meditate upon the word, "poise". Meditate upon the phrase, "relaxed control". Meditate upon the word, "refined".

After those basics are down, one can deviate a little in the interest of having fun and providing fun to others.

All that we learn here are training wheels, basic principles that once internalized can be modified and tweaked to fit our own personalities. But just as a musician must learn hard and fast rules before busting out into incredible, off the hook solos, so must we first learn the basic ways of carrying and presenting ourselves as refined men.

A man who knows the rules is authorized to break them at will. Such a man is using the rules for his own benefit, and he molds and shapes them to fit his style. A man who does not respect the rules is routinely being used and buried by them without even being aware of it.

Be aware of the rules of good body language and then carve them up to suit your individual style is my advice.

Being hyper and overly animated will generally put people on-edge and make them nervous. Next time they see you they will not want to engage because they intuit that they will need to expend energy in order to deal with you. It's easier to avoid and shut you down if they can.

I found in life that it is far better to err on the side of earthy composure than to err on the side of airy lightness, and I'm known for having a great sense of humor. So it is possible to synthesize the two into a cohesive image.

Heisenberg · Dec 17, 2014

Atom Smasher said:
Positivity and lightheartedness must be tempered with "cool" or you will come across as weak and feminine.

A man's attractiveness comes largely from displaying C O N T R O L.

When an attractive man smiles, he holds back a little. When he moves, he does so deliberately and slowly. He never appears rushed, because an attractive man has control over time and space itself.

Being animated, moving the head around a lot, talking and moving fast, are all signs of weakness and nervousness. Women are hard-wired to desire that which they are not, that which they lack. A man who is in control of himself and his surroundings is irresistible to a woman because there is nothing within her that enables her to have such mastery. She is the unstable ocean, you are the rocky shoreline.

Move deliberately. Keep in mind that you are grounded to the earth. Take up space. LOTS of space. WHen you sit down, take out your keys and put them out around you in order to claim territory. I carry two key rings with me and taking them out and putting them around me is very powerful.Avoid the gay-ish moving of the head when speaking. Display mastery over time and space at all times. Meditate upon the word, "poise". Meditate upon the phrase, "relaxed control". Meditate upon the word, "refined".

After those basics are down, one can deviate a little in the interest of having fun and providing fun to others.

All that we learn here are training wheels, basic principles that once internalized can be modified and tweaked to fit our own personalities. But just as a musician must learn hard and fast rules before busting out into incredible, off the hook solos, so must we first learn the basic ways of carrying and presenting ourselves as refined men.

A man who knows the rules is authorized to break them at will. Such a man is using the rules for his own benefit, and he molds and shapes them to fit his style. A man who does not respect the rules is routinely being used and buried by them without even being aware of it.

Be aware of the rules of good body language and then carve them up to suit your individual style is my advice.

Being hyper and overly animated will generally put people on-edge and make them nervous. Next time they see you they will not want to engage because they intuit that they will need to expend energy in order to deal with you. It's easier to avoid and shut you down if they can.

I found in life that it is far better to err on the side of earthy composure than to err on the side of airy lightness, and I'm known for having a great sense of humor. So it is possible to synthesize the two into a cohesive image.

Love this thread. Like OP, when I went from negative to positive I might have short circuited something and find I also am too animated and smile too much. I talk too fast at times, as well..

Funny thing is, on dates I do not have this problem. At all. Maybe because I put in so much effort to improving my dating life and reading all the stuff on here that it's just autopilot. But with men, in professional situations (especially with female superiors I am not attracted to) I find my behavior is weak. Like I am being that smiling, subservient chimp!

My question to Uncle Atom, who just wrote an amazing post, is what advice do you have in speaking in a cool, measure manner? Especially at work? Often, when I need to communicate something to a co-worker or boss, unless I have thought it out thoroughly beforehand I will start to ramble. Instead of saying one sentence, I'll say it in five with all these elaborations and clarifications - like maybe they didn't understand what I said the first time. This results in a tempo of speaking that is so beta.

So, speaking for sure - but also any advice on making everything you posted above a habit, Atom. I do a lot of what you say when I can remember to do it and you think I would have internalized it by now - but it doesn't seem to be sticking. I have to consciously think about how to walk across the office, and because I am thinking about it I feel very anxious about my movements, even if they don't appear that way.

By the way, the ranty nature of this post is probably a prime example of what I'm talking about. Rather than carving out a solid line or toe that explains everything, I might just go on and on hoping you get the "vibe" of what I'm saying rather than the words. And that's a chick thing if I've ever heard it!

RangerMIke · Dec 17, 2014

If you exhibit one emotional state all the time then you do not come off as authentic. You really don't want to come off as happy and funny all the time because clowns are not sexy. Happy fun people are more attractive but if you want to close the deal you best dial it back a bit.

Atom Smasher · Dec 17, 2014

I would put a single post-it in prominent display on your desktop or monitor with a single word that resonates with you... a word that encompasses your goal. "Slow", "Poise", or a code-word that would be meaningless to others.

I still believe in the old rubber-band trick. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it once in a while and say your code word a few times.

You simply need to condition yourself to remember you are in the process of changing your behavior, essentially circumventing autopilot.

Here's a thread I wrote about hitting your internal "Reset" switch:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=152003&highlight=reset

salinechow · Dec 17, 2014

Great Thread! Repped!

Everybody is right. Keep doing what you are doing, but also, keep being aware of it so you can reel it in if you sense its over the top. I have this exact personality and it has always served me well. Yet, it is important that it doesnt end up looking like artificial sweetener.

I wont repeat the already good advice given, and, it sounds like you are on a strong road. Congrats. I do have two points to add though.

Watch Gordon Ramsey. This guy has a lot of energy and is masterful at how he uses his body to communicate. I have always watched in awe and have even adopted some of his mannerisms (they actually fit my personality well)
He is also kind of ugly but EVERY chick I know would let him F^ck her in her ear and then give him 500 bucks for leaving without saying goodbye.

Also, study non-verbal communication/body language. I have said this in other posts as of lately, but I cant stress this enough. I cannot believe the amazing change in my awareness of others and just as importantly myself.

Seriously though, great thread and great answers above already. These guys really said everything I would, and I am glad to read it myself. Good one guys.

Nikar · Dec 18, 2014

Tks guys, great to see there's others who have experienced this positive personality change before. And yes, Atom's post is epic!

Learnt a lot from all these posts here!

Being hyper and overly animated will generally put people on-edge and make them nervous. Next time they see you they will not want to engage because they intuit that they will need to expend energy in order to deal with you. It's easier to avoid and shut you down if they can.

THIS. No wonder some of the lower-energy people I know tend to distance themselves after my personality gradually changed bit by bit. Well, at least the good thing is it attracts the more energetic people

Self-improvement advice : being too positive and hyper

Nikar

Don Juan

Meisterman

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Serenity

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mangotot

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62Telecaster

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Nikar

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narcissist

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Heisenberg

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Atom Smasher

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salinechow

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Nikar

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