GF showing signs of insecurity

Was in the pub the other night with my bird and she got all weird all of a sudden.

I asked her what's up and she said she thought the barmaid was hot and doesn't know why I'm with her rather than someone like the barmaid. The barmaid was hot to be fair, and I might have been checking her out a bit. GF said it's the first time she's ever felt jealousy of any kind.

Then she says that I obviously see when guys flirt with her (when she works in her own bar), then asks if it bothers me. I say that I might see those guys getting the first course, but I know that I get the three course meal later in the evening.

Later in the evening she said that she wants us to remain exclusive over Christmas while we are apart. She knows I am going home to a part of the country where women are known for flirtation and showing themselves off. I have also told her before about my successes with women, but also that I choose to be with her, rather than anyone else. She brings this up from time to time.

I don't want her to feel insecure or fearful. But equally, I think I am finally appreciating again what it is like to feel like the prize.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Thanks guys.

Possibly the two are related and that hadn't occurred to me actually. Reminds me never to underestimate how contradictory words can be to actions.

Seems to me that it may be more of a turn-about-face, since the ex incident; I have made myself more present the last couple of weeks, especially at socials and with her friends and cousin, giving them opportunity to talk about me. She talks more and more of future plans (holidays, attending her friend's wedding etc.). I maintain vague agreement.

Will just keep doing and doing, and maintain the outcome independence.

i suspect that lately she has come to realise how little power she has in your relationship and is trying to do something about it

first that party with the ex

and now the "you think shes hotter than me" / " i know you want to be with her"

thats a classic power shift strategy used by women & desgined to goad you into pursuading her that she really is the only one for you

in turn convincing your own mind how much you actually want her ( que hamster spinning)

i think unless you nip this in the bud now , then your going to have problems with this one in the comming months

if she starts mood swinging in the next coupe of weeks get rid of her pronto

jealousy and insercurity is contagious like a virus

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you're dating a bar girl . The conversation you had happens with just about every chick but it needs to be interpreted through the lense of the character of the girl. Through this lense, I see projection, jealousy sh1t testing, and an attempt to secure your loyalty via projecting and playing to your alpha ego right before her loyalty is actually to be heavily tested while you are apart. I mean if she is your GF, why is she asking for exclusivity again?

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Part of me thinks she is genuinely naïve and a bit insecure and is not gaming. Though obviously she is qualifying my position too.

I will continue to judge actions over words.

With the barmaid issue, I just qualified that I choose to be with her, opposed to anyone else, rather than, going down the road of 'you're the only one for me'.

TheMonkeyKing said:

I don't want her to feel insecure or fearful.

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YES YOU DO.

When a woman feels this in a LTR, it means she has no other options and realizes that YOU are high value. She will work to keep you around. When she quits being insecure, it means she has other options and your LTR will inevitably end.

I think you are doing fine. When your girl starts acting insecure, reassure her. Pull her in close give her some affection, say some things that indicate you respect her. She understands intuitively that love can not exist without respect... so respect is much more meaningful to her then if you hit her with "Come on baby, you know I love you."

She was probibily responding to the fact that you were checking out the bar-maid. Doing stuff like that when you are out with your girl demonstates dis-respect. I know it's hard, but try to keep your eyes focused on the woman you are out with.

But hey... it's good to let your woman know that you have options. If she doesn't think any other women want you, then she sub-consciously starts to question her own attraction.

Desdinova said:

YES YOU DO.

When a woman feels this in a LTR, it means she has no other options and realizes that YOU are high value. She will work to keep you around. When she quits being insecure, it means she has other options and your LTR will inevitably end.

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Yeah. Of course I want her to realise my value, which I think she is finally. The insecurity and fear are negative though and possibly detrimental in the long run. Insecurity and fear seem like pretty fragile foundations to build an LTR on - like, I only have to make very minor indiscretions for that fear to dissipate very quickly and her going out to find other options too - she is not entirely unfamiliar with her own value either. Like, reinforcing her personal choice and investments will form far stronger bonds than having her simply thinking I will run off at any point. I have tried that, and I think that's why she invited me out with her ex the other week - for her to demo her own value to me. Personally, I don't need that sh!t in my life.

I think the errors I have made are that I have been qualifying her too much verbally, rather than demonstrating my value up until the last while.

Anyway, I'm over-thinking now.

Thanks so much guys. My life and outlook have absolutely turned a 180 in the last year. We make a great team.

NEVER EVER REWARD INSECURITY OR JEALOUSY.

It will only get worse down the line. Don't respond to sh!t test questions like that. Look her in the eye and give her a stern look then go back to whatever you were doing.

If she presses on, look her in the eye and tell her that you don't appreciate questions like that and to cease asking you those types of questions.

Once you've drawn your line in the sand, she will get the point and stop. If she doesn't, you remove yourself from her presence or kick her out of your presence.

This is manipulative behavior to get you into a state where you are constantly locking yourself into her so that she can use it against you. It's a victim mentality.

The strange part is that the more you reassure her that she is the "only one for you" and such. The more you start to believe it! It's amazing really. And thus, oneitis feelings will start to develop.

I can't imagine a girl talking like that about another woman. That is just massive, massive insecurity right there.

Don't ever feel the need to fix her or make her feel happy. YOU CAN'T. She is the only one in charge of her emotions.

This is akin to taming a wild tiger or other wild animal when it is captured. She is merely trying to make you have eyes for her and her only. She is trying to take away your primal instincts to look at other attractive women. THIS IS WRONG. Don't be fooled.

Yeah, thanks El Pay.

I think a bit of distance over Christmas will be of benefit, one way or the other. She tends to talk the talk, but not really walk the walk.

We had agreed that she would come over to my place after work last night. I get a text mid-afternoon asking that I come to hers instead as she wont finish work til 11 and she's stressed about packing. I say not to worry about it as I have work stuff to do anyway, and Merry Christmas, see you when we're back in town, blah blah.

She then realises she wont see me for about two weeks and she shouldn't really flake on me AGAIN. She only realises because I refuse to change my plans for her AGAIN. Of course then I get a text at 23.30.... 'I can come now if you want'. By this point I'm basically asleep, but I say 'up to you'.

She then turn's up about 90 mins later. I purposefully don't really respond much, especially when she starts going on about some coked-up kid coming on to her on the tube and asking to kiss her on the cheek = sh!t test central, after the previous bs. We then just go to sleep and don't really say much this morning. She just waxes and wanes between a week of loving commitment and then a week of seemingly blissfully ignorant.

Now I have two weeks off, gonna do loads of reading and exercise. Cut down booze and cigs. Get in the right mind-set for a regimen change in the NY.

Getting a bit bored of the flaky sh*t. I told her not to make arrangements she can't keep. And I'm sticking to it.

New year, fresh start.