The possible versus the probable?

It's like I always at every junction deep down (and sometimes, or often, also consciously) know exactly what to do with any given woman.

I look at these young girls and they don't even have to be that young. Any woman really, there are moments in time in every encounter, often when you first meet, or first cross eyes or whatever again after some time.... that the score has been cleared in that sense that everything is reset.

And to me the default state of every woman is that she wants to have sex with me straight away. In the single sense that many girls give you this horny look and this wanting, urging look in their eyes that tells of their desire and their desperation, just as my own.

And then if you give them too much nonsense (out of depression, jealousy, or whatever) this quickly turns into the disappointed look when she turns away and decides that she was mistaken .

I am deeply depressed at the moment and everything else as well. Just to say a little, I guess I can say that I have been put in some kind of prison (psychiatry lol) and this prison is the anti-thesis, the anti-mony of what amounts to a healthy place to be in.

I find that I ruin many chances for myself out of an 'unwillingness to bleed'. I was hit on the head in August and it was never treated, and I have become a bit of a sucker and a scumbag and a slime and someone who tries to stay in the clear for fear my head will get hurt again, and my neck. You can simply call it survival instinct.

My ability to normally express myself has also gone deeply down the drain. 90% of the things i say come out entirely wrong. I have turned to shutting my mouth as much as I can, which is hard. Let's say I experience these surroundings as deeply hostile. Every person who gets placed here quickly turns into a nightmare of a human being, not even because they were before, but because the place does this to you.

In the meantime of course your need and desire for affection and human interaction and intercourse does not diminish, it stays the same, but in the face of not being able to get any of that in any normal way, you quicly lose ground in your fight against the negative torture emotions that start to plague you.

When you are as keen as I am about every person's feelings as well as my own, you sense opportunity everywhere. The girl that comes knocking at 'your' 'door' (let's say the outline of your prison chambre or cell) and who ignores your screaming that you want to be left alone (more or less) but who ignores it out of a jealousy herself, and a need to be in touch with a guy like me also, and who barges into your room (more or less) out of this sexual need herself, but who would never admit to that even in her private mind perhaps (because it is against the "RULES" of course and those rules are holy).

The one time I got fed up with an attractive 'mature' woman (say 50) (looks perhaps 43 I guess) who edged closer and closer to me and I did not have the balls or audacity ? to make something of it (she comes knocking at your door saying she's bored) (talking about a nurse now) and she wants to play table tennis with you (yeah, right, like I will do that for you) and I told her she could come in if she wanted to chill or hang out with me, and she did, and I got her to sit on my floor mattress, even though her knees hurt, and so on. And i was kinda hypnotizing her, but I didn't want to run the risk, so I bailed. And I became angry later on, and said to her "... something like: "I don't need to hear any of this **** from you. If you are wanting or pulling closer to have sex or for a sexual reason, say that instead instead of this nonsense all the time. But don't put me in a position where you turn me on and give me hopes and in the end it will burst in my face anyway. If that is the case, I wan't you to stay away from me."

But these women are not keen on their own feelings, they are not aware of what they are doing. Anything explicit you mention about sex blows up in your face. As long as your are edging nearer, joking about it, going over the top, or whatever fine. You might get into some disgraceful position or be shamed, whatever. As long as you don't make it explicit or make too much obvious compliments. Seriously, these women, and they are basically all (or most of them) attractive (to me) (but in general, also) they are NEVER aware of their real feelings. And sometimes they are and I speak in vague terms and they pretend not to know and I keep the contract alive. "You don't need to know, actually."

There was a girl, one of the 'inmates' (in such a closed 'ward' you are simply a prisoner, they don't do anything useful for you, just mess with your life in disastrous ways (on the surface at least) and ruin your confidence, self-security, try to destroy everything about your life that is still good and happy, and make themselves more important to you as much as they can. ...)

..And in the first or second day I met her, she was really silent, mysteriously eyeing me in the sense of not. I had kissed her on the lips without really putting any effort into it. Just happened. Softly. I had said "I really want to come over and kiss you on the cheek you know, but I fear they are going to hurt me for it." She went "aah, so sweet." I said "Now you're making it hard not to ;-D" and just did it. Then minutes later she was standing and smiling and I hugged her and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Whatever. Immediately one of the 'prison guards' (they are all so jealous of everyone because their lives revolve around doing nothing useful except interfere with someone else's life) (which means they would rather be doing something else, but they convince themselves that this is their dream job -- if you spend time on your own in whatever way you can, they keep asking for attention from you, which always involves you coming to them "Won't we see you in the living room again?" instead of being with you where you want it "Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't mind if you come in here for a bit if you really want to talk." She: "Okay, sure ".

But her coming in of course immediately puts in you the position that you want to make something of it .

"Why don't you come sit a little closer, if feel like the distance is not really helping our contact here. You want to be a therapeutic person as well right?"

Seriously in principe and in theory you can just frame everything you want in terms of them being a good professional.

But it also means investing time in getting over or through those fears that it will blow up immensely, an energy that is often better spent staying alive here :/ . :$. Lol.

So you have to weigh the dangers and opportunities.

This one explicit thing I said about that mature nurse / older nurse (she takes quite good care of herself, slim, cute, obedient, etc.) (but still quite a ***** at time) almost got the most of me, suddenly she wanted to have a 3-way conversation together with another nurse about it.

Which meant that she would have blurted out what I had said without telling or being aware of what she had did ("I'm so bored...."). And in the position of me not being able to express much myself it would have probably turned into some kind of fixed agreement for me to never ever mention anything sexual to anyone again or else.

Which often involves them messing with you even more. Being left alone is the first survival rule here. Don't make them think dealing with you is necessary or worthwile or interesting.

So these two older nurses wanted a piece of me and not in a good way at least in my perspective. And I just dragged it out so much, walking away so often, that eventually I got with the second nurse on her own, and then dragged it out and walked away even more until we naturally started talking about other more relaxing stuff, and in the end I went 99% of the way in getting away without any repercussions lol.

The first nurse afterwards kept eyeing me nervously. She's basically afraid she will find herself moving closer to me again and since explicitness is now something that cannot be punished as much anymore, she's basically afraid that I will one day just grab her and she won't be able to resist or scream or call out or object or whatever because the atmosphere is like such a thing has already been dealt with.

Basically: rather a 100% more aware of her own feelings towards me. She must have considered what happened and why.

Jezus Christ.

They expect me back in zero minutes -- - I have these "liberties" now to just plan my own hours outside of the ward/prison complex.

Which means in 10 minutes I have to call and say I will be back in 20 lol.

Just sitting in some café or diner.

Close by.

The second nurse had been busting my balls and also crunching them with a hard thing, perhaps a few hammers and the like about my sexual remarks across the board for the last few months.

I had called her out on mixing things that were none of her business and got her to shut up about things I had told her personally.

There are several girls (nurses) that are edging close to me though, but some stay away in case I make some move on them. "I have to catch my train, BYE RUNS AWAY REAL QUICK".

One new girl was hovering around me all the time (and me around her, basically, I guess, at times) and its like we spent two full afternoons together. I suggested one day I would find her on social media, she became scared and tried to talk me out of it, I told her that was not what I meant and got her to calm down again.

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I told her I would be paying the bills so she could stay at home.

If she wanted.

Just in passing.

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Three minutes before I have to call.

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This other girl whom I am not physically really interested in but still (she is so important here to me, in the sense of being the one person I am really allowed to flirt with and no one will really object) (feels a bit d1ckless though) -- I had told her off in the beginning.

"John, go to your room."

"Would you mind not calling me by name? I don't know you."

"I do know you, I admitted you here."

"I remember nothing of the kind and I have never seen you before. You can ditch the first name calling."

Etcetera, I have to split. Haven't come to my question yet though.

Write more later I guess.

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Well, I'm not sure if I'm spending my time bragging here, but it's just that it is the first time I can speak about myself with a bit of a positive tone in weeks.

If I write about it like this, it doesn't look all that bad.

Most of the time I feel rotten about not being able to do anything for anyone. I have to watch how a nother girl is being reduced to a begging, crying, desperate human being as these "professional caretakers" are taking every bit of privacy from her and...

I am making it sound as if she is being raped. It is not very far from that.

But just mentally, emotionally, and a regular visit to some isolation chambre because she refuses to accept every ounce of authority they throw at her.

And I often feel worthless because if I would seduce her (and it would be so easy to get her into my room to have sex or whatever) and if I would stand up to these 'men' who repeatedly humiliate her just to edge closer to a defenseless girl while at the same time stealing every bit of helpful intercourse or relationship away from her, and never giving her the things she would actually like to receive from a man... but I just have to spend my time elsewhere as her eyes are pleading me to come to her aid as she is being dragged away again.

Maybe this is disgraceful for me to make such statements about myself. I bet it is. And maybe it is not as strong as I am suggesting it is. But you know what you want to be as a man. Not the guy who saves her by sacrificing himself. But also not the guy who watches other men get their way with her as they steal her away from you to give her absolutely nothing of value.

That comes closer to the feeling. She runs up to me to cry in my arms wishing and begging for me to talk to her, as I am making my final preparations to leave the 'clinic' for a visit elsewhere. And she is left alone, abandoned.

And something dies in me again.

As it does every day, a million times.

It is disgraceful. But this comes closer to the reason for writing this.

Every day, countless times I am visited by impressions of what I could do and when. All it requires is for me to act instantly on what I perceive. To grab the moment, instantly take her into my room ..... like that. Those kind of things. I will not speak further.

Those small windows of opportunity. The failing courage. Your duty as a man. I am sorry. I feel I am still sacrificing myself even in these words. I have a duty to her, but my duty is to fvck her. Still, perhaps it should be about me and not her. It is the girl that I kissed even. We started acting as each other's enemies like to confuse everyone. Few weeks later we were kino'ing again, almost whatever. I am embellishing things.

They went like "Hey, aren't you supposed to hate each other?".

It was not conscious for her, she's a real ***** . But all the same she went like "hey, there's nothing wrong with you, why are you here?" in between bouts of hatred and trying to reduce me to a puppy. "Don't touch me" she'd yell without trying to get away from me. I am embellishing things. I am not strong like that.

But subconciously it is just a way to survive in dire circumstances. Her hating me is a way to survive socially, but this is always so. The slut barrier. The anti-slut barrier. As long as we are enemies we can live with not having sex. I am acting like we have spoken about this, as if this is some form of agreement between us. They are just my thoughts. I haven't seen her in a few days. Before I left for my visit elsewhere, she was pleading for me to talk to her, as if they had decided something on her she was dreading and fearing and as if they have done something to her. And I did not recognize how deeply worrisome it was and how desperate she was about it.

Her name is still on the door but no one has seen her in 2 days? We had never really talked before, see, that's the issue. It is a pretty ..well I can't say regular or simple, but I won't say she is the brightest either. Just a completely ordinary hateful being who would very much like to crawl in someone's arms. Your regular girl with a regular girl's needs. Nothing special about that.

And one need is to be protected, but that's the same as being fvcked by someone who would take care of that ??.

You can hear the vast self-doubt, right.

I'm sorry. She just needed me to have the balls to take her in irrespective of the dangers, which I probably exagerate. Yet the veil of goody goodiness here is that everything is being done with perfect intentions and that they are just helping someone who is "really sick" or "really ill". Yeah. Get lost. You are not fooling me longer than 5 seconds, but you are making me doubt myself constantly.

This veil of perfect goodiness is what is making me doubt my self, and sucking me into their realm. And then suddenly talking about it in these terms makes it not only sound very real, and very important, but at the same time "hey, it's just one girl". But people's lives are being destroyed here. You cannot speak up because they are saying every day "you are seeing it wrong" "we are just helping her" "don't interfere, just think about yourself".

"It is not your role to take care of people."

"Just let us handle it."

The only time I really stood up for someone (a girl was being pushed to the floor with 8 men/women on top of her sedating her because she had been slamming things in her 'room' (cell). It was the 'room' next to me. I came out in the right moment, started calling them out "you cannot do these things" I stayed around as they were trying to shield her from me, sending me back to my 'room', this was when that other girl called me by first name, I told her off, I guess I went back inside or they left, I followed the lone 'nurse' who stayed behind into the girl's room, she started to agress to me "I am now touching you slightly" I pushed her away, also rather softly, she smiled with this grin as she activated her communicator and 6 new people came rushing to our location. I panicked a little and went back inside my room just seconds before the crew arrived. I had wanted to explore the room more before going back. I played a little staged retreat game with the oncoming "nurses" as the head of security or something like that tried to get me to back away from my door. It is all not that threatening as it sounds, but at the same time, that is because they pretend to be so nice.

They will just kill you with blankets instead of with a club.

I backed away in stages, let them come into the room, retreated before they came, into the bath room, locked myself in there, waited for the moment, came back outside, sat on the bed, and de-escalated things with them. Afterwards that head of the night guard kept smiling in deep affection to me because it had ended so well for him and me.

I said "you remember that night?" He said "I sure do ". Guess I earned some respect that night. But still.

Few days later (I guess the next day) they punished me by throwing me into the isolation chambre for something minor.

When I speak of it in these terms it is all pretty clear and obvious. At the same time the moment I step outside this room now, the "truth" that you step into is that everyone is being helped and healed and aided in these premises. When the reality is that everyone is being ruined. Think of psychiatry as that which subdues people at the command of those who would rather have everyone plays nicely by the rules.

So who am I then? I wonder at times. I just can't stand these lives being destroyed, including my own of course. But I am a bit stronger than that I guess. I don't know. My own problems just seem a tad worse than that of those young girls around me and at the same time they are the same, because if I would be someone to prevail, they would prevail as well since I could be giving them the things they want from me.

All of these girls, and elsewhere as well, are just waiting for a man to take them in who can protect them from an environment that takes things away from them continually.

And I make these silent promises to them. But I have to get going now, please call me an egomaniac, with delusions of grandeur. Please tell me none of this is true, and I am just making things up.

Because I see too much and know too little, I guess. I don't know. Like, this muslim woman who obviously (to my eyes) is pretending to be sick (quite consciously I might add) to get away from her husband who is abusing her and this is her way to escape sex with him. Immediately obvious. Immediately obvious how much she wanting to get laid elsewhere. But not just that, also someone who can become a guardian, who can not only fvck her but also take her in. All of these girls are just looking for a guy to really take them in. Because having sex and then being left out (or thrown out, but that is better) doesn't do much for them. They'll give themselves to anyone who will really provide. And not in the sense of the regular "relationship". They are not interested in that necessarily, no matter how much they might profess such things to those around. But she needs to be safe from the people she would get away from.

Which can also be psychiatry itself.

Anyway. Gotta run. They are displacing me to another ward because things are getting too cosy for me. I am expecting to be back in a few weeks as some... dynamic here... would result in....

Well, whatever. Bye.