Emotional Maturity

I recently glanced over a book written by a woman for women regarding successful dating. There was a section that really hit home with me on why some of us have the issues we do with women and why the tools we use work.

The author basically explained how emotional maturity develops from childhood thru the early adult stages and why full development is critical for healthy adult relationships. If one does not fully develop in emotional maturity, they will likely not have the capacity to love.

The longer a person continues into adulthood without the essential skills of personal responsibility, empathy, and self control, the more likely they will have relationship problems with people, the law, or work.

Adults with these issues are often classified as having Cluster B disorders(Bipolar, Borderline, Narcissistic). It is highly unlikely that those with "stunted" emotional development will ever obtain what is necessary for long term relationship success.

"Those with these behaviors are typically motivated by their selfish desire, reward, or punishment, acknowledgment and recognition, or social acceptance or rejection - but not love. They feel a strong desire to find love, approval, and acceptance but make little to no connection to their responsibility to love someone. " This is why push/pull, limiting sex/attention is so powerful.

These people are much like children in adult bodies. Its like they never developed an understanding of the cause/effect relation of their ways. They often spent periods of their life drifting in and out of emotionally dark times often blaming the other person. It is all connected to their level of emotional maturity that did not fully develop in their teens. Most importantly: Empathy, Self Control, and Personal Responsibility.

How many girls have you been with that are lacking in those 3 things??? From my side of the fence, 99% of them suffer from these 3 things I just mentioned. And none of them had been diagnosed with any cluster B disorders, yet all took some form of mental medication to control behavior. lol, they all have their doctors wrapped around their fingers.

This is a side effect of the high divorce rate we have in this country. This is also a side effect of both parents working and no one making sure the child grows up correctly. This is what the "entitled" generation is made from. This is why dating women is what it is these days.

Very true , but I read in other books a few people really have all these things and the ones that have usually become a successful leaders , I bet this writer took this idea from Emotional Intelligence books. so in normal expect only 10% or less from population to have all of these three,otherwise you will be disappointed

Care to expand more about personal responsibility?

I've had so many issues with the women I chose in the past, until I started seeing a prof psychologist and practicing Buddhism and following Dr. Paul Dobranski. Basically busting ass to become more emotionally stable and more emotionally mature. When now dating from this head space, I see poor boundaries with the women I have started dating very easily and I avoid them. I can also now spot women who are loyal, genuinely interested in me and who have good self esteem / confidence. I will tell you that in my experience being with emotionally mature girls is sooooooo much better and more fulfilling then those who's issues haunt them. Often they move things more so why, because they are not willing to make themselves feel slutty, so not the best for a pump and dump but there are tons of very high quality women looking for a guy with his **** together that really enjoys his life, is not needy and treats her well without being a control freak (women test BIG time for this).

yuppaz said:

I will tell you that in my experience being with emotionally mature girls is sooooooo much better and more fulfilling then those who's issues haunt them.

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I agree with this. At this point in my life, I demand that the women I am with be emotionally mature. That eliminates so many of the usual problems you read about here. Of course, there are many here who will tell you that there are no emotionally mature women, but I can't agree with that.

Women will take responsibility for their connections and loves, as long as they remain interested at least. But they can't be counted on to remain responsible FOREVER, because people can always change, and women especially.

Howiestern said:

There was a section that really hit home with me on why some of us have the issues we do with women and why the tools we use work.

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That's probably why I've never put much stock in many of the techniques advocated here. If you advertise for a BPD or a club slvt, then that's exactly what you're going to get.

Howiestern said:

"Those with these behaviors are typically motivated by their selfish desire, reward, or punishment, acknowledgment and recognition, or social acceptance or rejection - but not love. They feel a strong desire to find love, approval, and acceptance but make little to no connection to their responsibility to love someone. " This is why push/pull, limiting sex/attention is so powerful.

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Interesting post. I've never really put much thought into women having "emotional maturity", but this does make sense. I find that the more "emotionally mature" a woman is, the less game needed to keep her attracted.

All women have the same baseline of emotional triggers, but some of them need those triggers pulled frequently in order to remain interested. The more "emotionally immature" the woman is, the more drama she needs in her life to keep things interesting, and the more high-maintenance she becomes, needing lots of game to keep her attracted.

I've always likened a woman's emotions to a bucket of water. They're only content when the water's swishing around in that bucket. The women with less water in the bucket need it shaken more to have that water swishing around. The women with more water in the bucket don't need them shaken around as much.

While I agree with some of this, I'd say a few things here are off. First off, from what you've given us, it seems like she's placing all the blame on men for why relationships don't work out. I, on the other hand, would blame both sides equally. It's as simple as women needing to act like women, and men needing to act like men.

The self-control and responsibility bits are more than true. The empathy bit, not so much. Maybe, possibly, for a LTR. For a quick fling (which is more than what some women deserve now), it's unnecessary.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=208254

...So-called noncognitive skills — attributes like self-restraint, persistence and self-awareness — might actually be better predictors of a person’s life trajectory than standard academic measures. A 2011 study using data collected on 17,000 British infants followed over 50 years found that a child’s level of mental well-being correlated strongly with future success. Similar studies have found that kids who develop these skills are not only more likely to do well at work but also to have longer marriages and to suffer less from depression and anxiety. Some evidence even shows that they will be physically healthier.

yuppaz said:

I've had so many issues with the women I chose in the past, until I started seeing a prof psychologist and practicing Buddhism and following Dr. Paul Dobranski. Basically busting ass to become more emotionally stable and more emotionally mature. When now dating from this head space, I see poor boundaries with the women I have started dating very easily and I avoid them. I can also now spot women who are loyal, genuinely interested in me and who have good self esteem / confidence. I will tell you that in my experience being with emotionally mature girls is sooooooo much better and more fulfilling then those who's issues haunt them. Often they move things more so why, because they are not willing to make themselves feel slutty, so not the best for a pump and dump but there are tons of very high quality women looking for a guy with his **** together that really enjoys his life, is not needy and treats her well without being a control freak (women test BIG time for this).

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Can you share what resources helped you the most? In my native language i am fine, in english i feel like i am 18

A lot of women have severe personality issues. They do stem from a lack of care when they were children. My inner game became very strong once i realized that fact. Most of the time its not you, its them.

When i used to date attention *****s, BPD and club girls i used to wonder what was wrong with me. I was wondering why dating was so confusing. Now that i date girls that come from stable backgrounds i realize that i was not the problem.

A guys self esteem will sky rocket once he stays away from emotionally immature women. A big red flag that these women exhibit is the inability to be in a long term relationship. If you meet an attractive girl who is never in a relationship..RUN! She is one of these emotionally immature people.

zekko said:

That's probably why I've never put much stock in many of the techniques advocated here. If you advertise for a BPD or a club slvt, then that's exactly what you're going to get.

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The modern PUA movement has evolved into techniques for attracting emotionally immature women. There are so many emotionally immature women in America that PUA's can market their advice as working on most women.
I cant emphasize enough how different it is dating sane normal women from stable backgrounds. Sometimes i have to catch myself when dating sane girls because im so used to dating crazy chicks. I tend to over game the sane ones. If you learn game on crazy girls, dating normal girls is a piece of cake.

I would say 80-90% of women I know have an innate ability to be absolute cvnts, no matter how well their partner treats them.
It's like they can't help it.
Most of my girlfriends lasted about a year at the absolute most before their lack of ability to empathise and just be cool was lost.
It's definitely not being emotionally mature. Great post.

Oxide said:

Can you share what resources helped you the most? In my native language i am fine, in english i feel like i am 18

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It was a combination of all of them. I had to have a psychologist because I had to work through childhood stuff. There was no positive thinking my way around that. Buddhism helped me a lot because a common thread in Buddhism is erasing the ego / separating myself from others. I could never authentically connect with people (men or women) until I stopped trying to compare myself to them. In addition meditation for someone like me who tends to overthink things gives me the space to have observing ego, where I can look back at myself and objectively observe what I am doing, how I am behaving and consciously change that.

Dr. Paul Dobranski gives you a blueprint to find where you are being emotionally immature and tells you how and what boundaries are, what are appropriate boundaries and how to use them, how to analyze your own behavior to find where you are coming up short and what to do about it. I could go on and on, he's really f*cking good.

For dating I have checked out a lot of stuff over the years, there is no substitute for just approaching women you like and asking them out, but someone who seems to have a good formula for dating more sane women with less effort is Cory Wayne. Check him out on youtube. He is all about getting women to chase you and un learning all the **** we learned from movies and TV about how we are supposed to date women and instead give you a simpler, slower way to date women where they are more chasing you. I was skeptical at first, but it has been working much better for me with higher quality women. They all have it built in to them to want to chase men, but we are shown by tv the opposite, which is why things fail so much.


Good luck man

Pandora said:

The modern PUA movement has evolved into techniques for attracting emotionally immature women. There are so many emotionally immature women in America that PUA's can market their advice as working on most women.
I cant emphasize enough how different it is dating sane normal women from stable backgrounds. Sometimes i have to catch myself when dating sane girls because im so used to dating crazy chicks. I tend to over game the sane ones. If you learn game on crazy girls, dating normal girls is a piece of cake.

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True dat homie. PUA's never talk about the fact that their relationships only last a couple weeks or whatever. They would have you believe that it was because they didn't want to be tied down but I call bullsh*t. They can't teach it because their entire game is built around faking value to club sluts with ADD. The (model beautiful...actual published models) women I know and have dating in the last couple years absolutely do not bang dudes in a one night stand, and they look for good and masculine character in strong men. They can have sex with any guy they want at any time....so it is not rare at all and therefore holds very little value to them....and they can spot club type game from a mile away. Can't fake sh*t ...you have to actually be a high self esteem guy.

yuppaz said:

The (model beautiful...actual published models) women I know and have dating in the last couple years absolutely do not bang dudes in a one night stand, and they look for good and masculine character in strong men.

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yeh bro very true. These type of women are a pleasure to date.

yuppaz said:

It was a combination of all of them. I had to have a psychologist because I had to work through childhood stuff. There was no positive thinking my way around that. Buddhism helped me a lot because a common thread in Buddhism is erasing the ego / separating myself from others. I could never authentically connect with people (men or women) until I stopped trying to compare myself to them. In addition meditation for someone like me who tends to overthink things gives me the space to have observing ego, where I can look back at myself and objectively observe what I am doing, how I am behaving and consciously change that.

Dr. Paul Dobranski gives you a blueprint to find where you are being emotionally immature and tells you how and what boundaries are, what are appropriate boundaries and how to use them, how to analyze your own behavior to find where you are coming up short and what to do about it. I could go on and on, he's really f*cking good.

For dating I have checked out a lot of stuff over the years, there is no substitute for just approaching women you like and asking them out, but someone who seems to have a good formula for dating more sane women with less effort is Cory Wayne. Check him out on youtube. He is all about getting women to chase you and un learning all the **** we learned from movies and TV about how we are supposed to date women and instead give you a simpler, slower way to date women where they are more chasing you. I was skeptical at first, but it has been working much better for me with higher quality women. They all have it built in to them to want to chase men, but we are shown by tv the opposite, which is why things fail so much.


Good luck man

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Thanks dude, I actually sent Dr PAul an email like 4 years ago asking him something and he replied. I tolally get what you are saying and have the same issues - my ego is out of control. What stuff by Paul would you recommend? And other stuff, if you had to go about it again what's been most helpful? Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Thank you.

yuppaz said:

The (model beautiful...actual published models) women I know and have dating in the last couple years absolutely do not bang dudes in a one night stand, and they look for good and masculine character in strong men.

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You dont know anything you only assume.Most 'models' were lux escorts doing the most depraved things for rich customers, after their 'career' they always looks for nice guys to settle down.

Of course they didnt bang some random dudes in ons they did rich guys for money.

Only very few girls make any decent money by modeling, models industry is lux wh0re service for rich people.

I would say that the majority of people (especially in my country) are not emotionally older than say 18. You can easily perceive it once you know a bit about those levels.

I once insulted a girl though by talking about how I thought she was younger even than she looked .

When my intent really was to talk about myself, but apparently calling yourself emotionally younger is not the best thing to do?? It sounds really immature. It is also how you frame it, I guess.

There are many girls of say age 18, that are really like 13 for the largest part. There can be ****ing three year olds that have developed a certain part beyond where you still are. When you encounter them you'd be afraid, or any mimicing you do is mirrored by them with more astounding certainty. Some (many?) people are afraid of children. I think it is something like that, in every case.

But there is also adults who close themselves off from children and only approach them from a mindset of being "adult" which means children won't even have an interest in you whatsoever, except as part of the "parent" sphere.

They'll know you won't talk to them in a normal way. It's what you often see that there is a complete disjunction, there are kids and they do kid things, and there are adults and they do 'adult' things. But then there are also simply 'older' individuals who have a lot of broken developments.

If your development is stunted in a certain area, you'll need age-appropriate experiences (for that part) to continue your development.

But....

here's the thing.

And it is slightly disturbing perhaps for many.

If an adult closes off contact with the younger generations he or she will probably not ever get the opportunity to develop those parts into maturity.

Because those stunted parts need age-appropriate experiences, and the best way to have them is with children of that age, or, rather, with people who are at the same point in emotional development for that part as other people are, ie. as you are. In other words....

Most girls also try to be more mature than they are. So you're trying to "skip" ahead. And people around you will say "you should be acting like this" or "you should be acting like that" or "you should hang out with those kind of people".

"Stop acting like a ****ing child."

But you can't get ahead by skipping or denying the part that warrants attention.

I'd say in my country, for the largest part, 25% of people never get past the age of say 14.

And you might develop in other parts way beyond that, so you get some skewed development, which I guess is the entire intent of that 'design'. So you might develop intellectually and still be a freaking kid. Emotionally.

And you use kid-techniques for solving problems. Instead of taking time and being well-mannered, you might scream. Cause that's what kids do. You might be more blunt than might be expected of your 'age', because that's what kids are.

When I was around some say 6-8 year old boys the other day, it was like "can I join you guys?" and the answer was "NO, you can't". That sortof thing. There's no pretense. There is not even a being insulted. Talking about a boy who wanted to join some game, and was bluntly denied. Just kids playing in the street. I guess a kid doesn't have the patience to spend time being "sociable" the kid wants to get on with it, no time to waste.

Kids usually speak their mind which I guess is why they get along very well mostly (even if, or rather BECAUSE they end up in fights so much but don't think much of it) or at least, why children play with children much more usually than adults play with adults.

And there exists a problem when a certain person would not get a certain set of experiences while being a teen, and at a later stage starts seeking those experiences. For a girl that is easy (enough) because she can look 'upward' towards older men (boys) who will just dump her because of her immaturity, or she might get into painful experience after another trying to be more mature than she is. She can't really hang out with the boys of that age though, she has to look upward. Which means she has to seek out a boy or guy who is facing the same issues or the same level. Still, the girl who looks upward can get some even if the guy is older emotionally, because ideally you deal with a girl who is emotionally somewhat (but not much) younger than you are. For a guy a problem can arise because women your age might on average be more mature than you are. So you have to (as you always do) look downward towards younger women. Which obviously gets troublesome in case the physical age gap becomes too big.

I guess it is somewhat of a phantom doom image for me at times that I'd end up one of those single, kid-like men in their ****ing fiftees who never managed to get those age-level experiences they needed to emotionally grow. Girls who are like that just stay dumb. A guy who is like that ends up.... very much alone. The only way to deal with that is to make sure that professionally, or rather in terms of your personal development and personal interests and personal activities (entrepeneurship perhaps, however you define that) you become as active and well-rounded as you can become.

Because if you are emotionally stunted in some area, you need to make use of the well-developed areas to carry the rest through, so to speak.

In other words, if you can't do A, just do B and do it well. You'll still be attractive because professional success and well-roundedness is also very attractive to any woman, but especially the women who are ALSO emotionally stunted in some way (e.g. in the part that you have covered very well).

Oxide said:

Thanks dude, I actually sent Dr PAul an email like 4 years ago asking him something and he replied. I tolally get what you are saying and have the same issues - my ego is out of control. What stuff by Paul would you recommend? And other stuff, if you had to go about it again what's been most helpful? Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Thank you.

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I think there is loads of value in his Mind OS program. You used to be able to YouTube a ton of stuff but it is gone now. What I found best from his material was how to identify where I was being immature and where I had holes in my boundaries with tools on how to fix them.

I also really like Nathaniel Brandon, and his self esteem book "The six pillars of self esteem". Fix boundaries, build your self esteem so you value yourself and can see healthy, emotionally mature people while being one yourself, and ask girls out for a date on the spot, just be chill, smile and ask em out. When your out with them get them talking about themselves, and just have fun. Get them chasing you with Corey Wayne's stuff and you will have the kind of women you want plain and simple.

Good luck brother