40 - single/celibate for two years - no confidence - what now?

Hi everyone, new user to this place.

My story is in the thread title. The details are as follows:

I split with my ex in January 2013, we were engaged. My confidence was pretty low at this point.

Later on that year a friend suggested online dating, so I signed up to POF. Big mistake, you know the drill. Ignored over and over and over again by women who I'd easily be able to date in real life (if my confidence was on point) Lower standards, repeat. Lower standards still, repeat. End up with the only interest being from women aged 45-55 (I was 39 then) who were flat out obese.

I also had women messaging me out of the blue to tell me how ugly I am and to give me grief for being 5ft 8ins. Height never an issue in real life, on POF it is like a murder confession!! Ended up leaving POF with my confidence below sea level. I work out regularly, that's me in my profile pic when viewing my profile. Am I THAT bad?

Further to that, a female colleague got wind of the fact that I was attracted to her (September 2013) and was so disgusted that she still won't speak to me now.

My confidence is in ruins, I look at the floor when women are nearby now. Tried POF again. More of the same.

What do I do now to get my confidence back? Right now I feel repulsive.

Moy_1974 said:

Ignored over and over and over again by women who I'd easily be able to date in real life (if my confidence was on point) Lower standards, repeat. Lower standards still, repeat. End up with the only interest being from women aged 45-55 (I was 39 then) who were flat out obese.

Click to expand...

That's like saying I was offered a job that pays 0.1% of what I'd be making if I were CEO of Microsoft. Well, you ain't.

What do you see when you look over prospective online dates? You see some pics and some stats. If your strengths don't show through via pics and stats, then online dating will be an uphill battle for you.

However, understand that even the hunkiest guys are "ignored" by 80% of the women online. I laugh at guys who send out 10 emails and then b*tch that they got no responses. Yeah, that's how it works. You have to send out thousands of emails, or tens of thousands as I have.

I'm pretty average on paper and in 10+ years of off and on online dating I've banged ~45 chicks but have sent out cut-and-paste emails to probably 10,000 to 12,000 of them. That's like a 0.5% success rate. That is, on average I bang one chick for every 200 I contact. If you don't like those odds, then online dating is not for you.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, hates it when I say the following, but it's always true: You gotta start back at the bottom. If you've got no chicks in your life right now, you gotta bang oldies and fuglies to get the ball rolling again. Invest in some Cialis because you're gonna need it. Some guys even get butthurt when I suggest this, just as women get butthurt when you suggest they're no longer hot commodities at the age of 40.

The problem with guys who've just gotten out of relationships is they think they're gonna get chicks who are as hot as their ex. But unless you're able to attract some gold diggers with status and cash, you won't. And if you were going that route you'd know it by now.

It's like having a cush job for 20 years and then getting fired. You're not going to immediately find a job that pays as well unless you were sending feelers out long before you got the pink slip. Finding a hot new girl when you're single is like finding a great new job when you've been unemployed. You gotta take the temp jobs and sh*t jobs to make ends meet for now.

You're not a hot commodity right now unless you're loaded and want a sugar baby. You've got to realize that, before you can even start to work your way back up the ladder. And you've gotta be ok with it. It's got nothing to do with you personally, it's got to do with your current situation -- no women. You've got to work your way up the p*ssy ladder and it could take years.

The only way to get your confidence up at all is to get an old, ugly girlfriend. LOL yeah, it's true. Even if you have to turn out the lights during sex, that will bump your confidence from 0% to 5%. After a few months with her you can start dating a slightly less ugly chick while continuing to date the first one. That'll bump your confidence up to 8%. Etc. Etc. etc, working your way up. That's how it goes.

Guys always hate my advice because it's like if you went on a job board and asked, "I just got fired and I want a good income again, what should I do?" and somebody answered, "Find a new company, start out working in the mail room, and work your way up to a lucrative position over the next decade." People hate that sh*t because it doesn't solve their immediate problem. But the issue with women is that when a relationship ends you're not left with any "skills" you can transfer to a new girl. You're just left with nothing.

How is banging obese grannies going to INCREASE confidence? Surely it'll just reinforce the belief that that's all I'm worth. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I know that I'm in good shape for my age - I work out 5-6 times a week and I have work colleagues in their 20s asking me for advice.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not a horny virgin trying to get laid with ANYTHING via the means of random copypasta on Jerry Springer sites. By banging geriatric walruses it's just going to confirm that I'm only worth Andrea Dworkin lookalikes in their 50s. I may not have any self-esteem, but I DO have self respect and ain't no manatee getting her bloated, cajun coated sausage fingers on my six pack!!!

I'm getting out of the whole online dating thing. I'm after advice on how to get my self esteem back. If I just wanted sex with anything, then I have enough money for a half-decent call girl at least hehe!

Dear MOY,
You are wasting your time with On Line Dating...like much of life Prietos Rule applies...20% get 80% of the action...Oh and 5foot 8 is NOT short..probably a little above average!...I suggest Dancing Lessons,Yoga Classes,Tech classes in Cookery...Don't be too fussy at first you need your trainer wheels back on LOL...Good Luck!

Scaramouche said:

Dear MOY,
You are wasting your time with On Line Dating...like much of life Prietos Rule applies...20% get 80% of the action...Oh and 5foot 8 is NOT short..probably a little above average!...I suggest Dancing Lessons,Yoga Classes,Tech classes in Cookery...Don't be too fussy at first you need your trainer wheels back on LOL...Good Luck!

Click to expand...

Yeah, I've gotten rid of my online dating profiles now. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Look where online dating has gotten me.

A friend suggested signing up to a meetup type site, as in increasing my social life and general interaction skills with people of both sexes, before even considering dating again. And as I type this, there's a meetup event in my area for new members this week. So far, the number of confirmed attendees is literally 4:1women to men. I think I might have to attend this sojourn!

Dude, you've got it backwards.

First thing, STOP worrying about women, especially the ones on POF.

Second, STOP worrying about confidence.

If you just got out of a relationship , the last thing you need is another woman. Despite what you may think, you're in a very vulnerable position. A woman will pick p on that vibe and screw you to the deck.

Do something you've always wanted to do. Jump out of a plane, go mountain climbing in Tibet, go hang around with fur traders in Kazakhstan. You see where I'm going with this? Do something that you can be proud of when you look back ten years from now. The confidence will just be a part of you once you adopt this way of living. Then, the women will see it and want a pat of it but you know what? Who cares. You'll be confident enough in your own mind and body that you'll see them as ancillary, not necessary. And that's where you want to be.

You may be thinking that you're not getting any younger and time is drifting by like sh!t down a river. Well, so what? If you were to die ten years from now, would you be proud of yourself for worrying about women while you're on your deathbed?

I speak from experience.
I was exactly where you are. And I'm working every day to make myself better than yesterday. Not an easy task, but worth it. Remember, the only thing you deserve in life is what you earn.

Good luck...

jimjam said:

Dude, you've got it backwards.

First thing, STOP worrying about women, especially the ones on POF.

Second, STOP worrying about confidence.

If you just got out of a relationship , the last thing you need is another woman. Despite what you may think, you're in a very vulnerable position. A woman will pick p on that vibe and screw you to the deck.

Do something you've always wanted to do. Jump out of a plane, go mountain climbing in Tibet, go hang around with fur traders in Kazakhstan. You see where I'm going with this? Do something that you can be proud of when you look back ten years from now. The confidence will just be a part of you once you adopt this way of living. Then, the women will see it and want a pat of it but you know what? Who cares. You'll be confident enough in your own mind and body that you'll see them as ancillary, not necessary. And that's where you want to be.

You may be thinking that you're not getting any younger and time is drifting by like sh!t down a river. Well, so what? If you were to die ten years from now, would you be proud of yourself for worrying about women while you're on your deathbed?

I speak from experience.
I was exactly where you are. And I'm working every day to make myself better than yesterday. Not an easy task, but worth it. Remember, the only thing you deserve in life is what you earn.

Good luck...

Click to expand...

Been single since January 2013 and spent about 18 months on POF til the weekend just gone.
Funnily enough, I'm travelling this year. Going to New York, Vegas and San Francisco on a US trip later this year.

Right on, man!

Forget everything to do with women and your failed relationship. You wouldn't be mentioning it if it didn't bother you on some level. Forget it, past is past. Think about YOU and now.

Have fun traveling. Go out to the desert when you're in Las Vegas. I mean Death Valley, where it's 120 F and you're miles away from nothing. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Go easy, bro

Moy_1974 said:

I also had women messaging me out of the blue to tell me how ugly I am and to give me grief for being 5ft 8ins. .

Click to expand...

This, gentlemen, is yet another example in how low women are really willing to go in this world and how they often times don't even deserve to be classified as the same species as men.

Let me phrase it another way, do 3x, 4x year-old men get online and randomly message fugly women out of the blue just to tell them how fugly they are? Do you? NO.. I rest my case..

OP, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I see no harm in you getting online seeking out temporary fun.. Think of women like beer, temporary.. So maybe you want the finest beer in the world ultimately, would you settle for a warm Keystone for tonight? Maybe you would, maybe not. Get online and find what you want FOR ONE MEETUP and go after it. Have some fun.. But for God sakes man don't get your mind set on a LTR, GF, wife, etc. Just go out and date, maybe get some tail maybe not.. And just have some fun and not give a cr@p about anything other than getting yourself back to the man and mindset you want.

Getting back out there after a breakup can be tough, especially as we get older. If your self-esteem is low, women can smell it like a shark smells blood. Except instead of starting a feeding frenzy it starts a revulsion frenzy. Nothing dies the panties up faster than a sad, desperate man.

Clearly what you've been doing online hasn't been working. As the saying goes, doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Search google for tips on creating a better dating profile, good guides are out there and they can help a lot. I looked at your pic and since I'm not gay I can't rate your attractiveness, but I also can't see anything wrong with you either. I certainly see worse looking guys with women on their arm every single day.

One thing I'd suggest is just striking up conversation with people everywhere you go. Just being friendly, no expectations. Start small and work your way up. Some people are open and others not so much, some are just plain cold. The more you do it the easier it will become, the better you'll be able to read people and you might just meet some interesting people. You can also try websites like meetup (if they have that in your country?) to meet people with similar interests and hobbies.

Good luck and remember that life is supposed to be fun. Be happy for what you have instead of disappointed at what you feel is missing. Positivity attracts, people want to be around the fun guy but avoid the negative one.

MikeOck said:

Getting back out there after a breakup can be tough, especially as we get older. If your self-esteem is low, women can smell it like a shark smells blood. Except instead of starting a feeding frenzy it starts a revulsion frenzy. Nothing dies the panties up faster than a sad, desperate man.

Clearly what you've been doing online hasn't been working. As the saying goes, doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Search google for tips on creating a better dating profile, good guides are out there and they can help a lot. I looked at your pic and since I'm not gay I can't rate your attractiveness, but I also can't see anything wrong with you either. I certainly see worse looking guys with women on their arm every single day.

One thing I'd suggest is just striking up conversation with people everywhere you go. Just being friendly, no expectations. Start small and work your way up. Some people are open and others not so much, some are just plain cold. The more you do it the easier it will become, the better you'll be able to read people and you might just meet some interesting people. You can also try websites like meetup (if they have that in your country?) to meet people with similar interests and hobbies.

Good luck and remember that life is supposed to be fun. Be happy for what you have instead of disappointed at what you feel is missing. Positivity attracts, people want to be around the fun guy but avoid the negative one.

Click to expand...

Thanks man.

Read the DJ Bible right now, before you do anything else.
You have to develop a prize mentality.
Meaning, train yourself to act like you're the prize.
It worked for me. I became a pretty arrogant, aloof arsehole but I also fvcked a lot more women than before I found SS.
But to think of yourself as th prize, you need to improve yourself.
Cool clothes, new haircut, new job, nice car, cool bachelor pad. So you think, so shall you become.
Good luck.

Greasy Pig said:

Read the DJ Bible right now, before you do anything else.
You have to develop a prize mentality.
Meaning, train yourself to act like you're the prize.
It worked for me. I became a pretty arrogant, aloof arsehole but I also fvcked a lot more women than before I found SS.
But to think of yourself as th prize, you need to improve yourself.
Cool clothes, new haircut, new job, nice car, cool bachelor pad. So you think, so shall you become.
Good luck.

Click to expand...

Already in shape (and improving), own house etc. I need to find myself as the past two years have been like the swan being told he's just an ugly duckling, so to speak.

Greasy Pig said:

Read the DJ Bible right now, before you do anything else.
You have to develop a prize mentality.
Meaning, train yourself to act like you're the prize.
It worked for me. I became a pretty arrogant, aloof arsehole but I also fvcked a lot more women than before I found SS.
But to think of yourself as th prize, you need to improve yourself.
Cool clothes, new haircut, new job, nice car, cool bachelor pad. So you think, so shall you become.
Good luck.

Click to expand...

Work on yourself first. Start a workout program... start off slow build up. There are TONS of websites that post 6 month workout plans that will get you from a pathetic fat body to 6-pack abs. But it takes 6-months.

Change your diet, cut back on carbs, eat more protein, fresh fruits and veggies. If you drink more than a couple of alcoholic drinks a day then cut back. Alcohol really messes up you body and your game. Not only does it add empty calories to your diet, the alcohol slows down you metabolism and lowers your T-count. No more than a couple of glasses of red wine a day is all I do.

If you smoke... quit.

Stop being a victim.

Pick something, ANYTHING that you felt you could never do... then work until you do it. THAT builds real confidence, not this fake stuff. Start small.... do something like learn to juggle, if you don't know how to do that. Then work your way up to running marathons.

Respectfully disagree with lowering your standards. Trouble is you won't be able to eject and raise them easily. Plus add in pregnancy and std risk just to bang women you don't like?

Totally agree with focusing on yourself while putting yourself out there. And stop giving a sh*t is a very powerful thing..

Moy_1974 said:

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not a horny virgin trying to get laid with ANYTHING via the means of random copypasta on Jerry Springer sites. By banging geriatric walruses it's just going to confirm that I'm only worth Andrea Dworkin lookalikes in their 50s. I may not have any self-esteem, but I DO have self respect and ain't no manatee getting her bloated, cajun coated sausage fingers on my six pack!!!

Click to expand...

That's real good to hear, DON'T YOU EVER LOWER YOURSELF TO GO OUT AND DATE SOME OBESE "SLOTH" :crazy: (AKA... BOSS HOGG'S DAUGHTER, THAT WALRUS CLOWN CHICK FROM THE DREW CAREY SHOW OR A FEMALE VERSION OF A ROBEAST CHARACTER FROM VOLTRON...NEVER!! YOU HAVE STANDARDS NO MATTER HOW LOW YOURSELF ESTEEM IS RIGHT NOW...THAT'S HEALTHY AND GOOD TO SEE

I agree with the other guys as far as cutting out online dating...it's the fast food dating, truly not healthy and SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR PRIMARY SOURCE OF FEMALE INTERACTION... You need to go out there and interact "naturally" with women out there.. cooking, dance, something else classes, a course/seminar, the gym of course, a social gathering/event/fundraiser/cause, sports outing, you get the drift. You have to learn how to get your mojo back and if you don't have the energy that's why you go to the gym.

Work on yourself, BIG TIME, while its still winter because spring is around corner and you will feel/look more complete than you've ever been in a long time.

1) Go to Gym, get diet, get BODY
2) Get STYLE , get new and elegant clothes
3) Forget about western girls ... dude you are cool ... don't panic.You are from UK ? There tons of hot Polish and other eastern european girls there who will love you, forget about western whales.Find out where the Polish/easterneurope chicks go to party/work and start to hit on them.

You are not good deal for spoiled western ****s but you are totally good deal for eastern european girls so go where you are wanted.Hit only eastern european chicks and will land hot,feminine girl who will appreciate you.

Loving that DJ Bible, especially the first chapter. 'Just be you...because YOU are the prize.' Wise words indeed!

Or you can skip also this self improvement bullsheet and go abroad where women are still normal.

OP: you look good in the pic. online dating is driving men crazy, just leave it.

I have some of your issue but mainly due to depression , I am trying to return my confidence by mediation , I ll let you know if it is going to work .
good luck and keep us posted.