Broke up with girl who loved me. I'm a F***** jerk.

I used to roam these forums long ago (lost my username) and really took all the advice given here to heart. Worked on myself, turned my whole life around. I went from a high school drop out to getting a full-ride to a top ranked university and I'm on my way to a great future career wise. I'm considered 'handsome', work out, and overall I'm a very sociable cool guy.

Along this way I met an amazing girl, she was not drop dead gorgeous, but a very cute innocent girl who's super intelligent (valedictorian in high school, quiet) and knows exactly what she wants out life. We both go to the same university.

She fell for me hard and at first I refused to date her because I was like 'I'm seriously going to break this girl's heart one day'. Her friend at the time kept pushing me to date her. I said F*** it and went ahead and started dating her. Lo and behold I'm her first BF ever and she is a virgin. I should have just turned around and walked out the door. Nope I still went on with the relationship. I was so full of myself, thinking I'm a badass this and that. I took her virginity and in a way I felt I took advantage of her. She fell deeply in love with me. At one point she would've done almost anything for me.

I took all her love and compassion for granted. I flirted and tried hooking up with other girls behind her back. I was just a straight up jerk to her and just didn't give a damn at times. But she still loved me and even forgave me time and time again after finding out.

I've been through very many low patches in life and she was always there to cheer me up and do whatever it took to help me reach my goals, she never wavered in her love and compassion for me. I look back and realize this girl was as loyal as they come and I seriously F***** it up just because she wasn't 'trophy wife' hot.

We dated for 2 and 1/2 years with us breaking up once and then getting back together. I still sexually fantasized about being with other women at work and school, all the time. I went to porn as a stress coping mechanism and to help me try and live this fantasy without actually 'cheating'. But to some women in a relationship porn is like cheating in a way. She caught me and it destroyed her and really made her feel unwanted/unattractive. I mean what GF want's to find out that they're BF's sex drive is down because he's jerkin' off to some pornstars?

I was so f***** up and would have a hard time showing her lots of affection in public. I felt as if I was 'too good for her' half the time instead of being grateful that such an intelligent pretty woman loved me for the person I am even with all my past problems.

I reached a point where I had so much pain and guilt about everything that I broke down in front of her and told her that she just cared way too much about me and that I didn't care about her like that. I told her I had to let her go or else the pain and guilt was going to eat me alive.

We broke up and remained great friends after, I would say best friends even. Not long after she went away on a trip and ended up meeting a guy from her home country. She gets into a relationship with him and when she told me about it really destroyed me. From what she was saying, this guy seems like a perfect match for her. She's talking like as if they're about to get married and live happily ever after once she goes back there next summer. I was like WTF?! why am I getting so emotional about all of this, I BROKE UP WITH HER!

I ended up writing a 3-page letter while sobbing like a little B*** with the intent to try and 'win' her back. I became super depressed about all of it. When we were still together, at one point I had to go through heavy counseling at school because of how much emotional baggage I carried from BS I've gone through in life.

I've realized more and more that many of us at one point may have taken true love and compassion from a woman for granted. I've learned the hard way that maybe if I had been giving her as much love and compassion as she had given me, maybe the relationship would have worked out long-term.

I feel as if I have really let myself down and have disappointed her and her family in so many ways. Her family loved me like a son as well even going as far as helping me out with many family matters and being just overall great people.

How in the hell do I get over all this guilt and pain? I've been trying everything, but I guess it's true that time heals everything.

To make matters worse, my father passed away recently and I didn't have my ex there to provide the amazing support system I was so used to having. That F****** hurt a lot.

But I feel I have grown a lot from all of this and I'm learning to be a lot more open towards friends/family. I'm never going to cheat or mess around on another girl ever again. I've felt like a POS for the longest time, it's time to really change and improve. I mean seriously I believe the root to happiness is maintaining unrelenting love and compassion towards all the people that truly care about you.

So let me have it, tell me I'm a B**** or jerk or whatever, I really need to hear honest input. I want to destroy this POS I was that I considered to be a man with class and dignity. No more.

Most of us been there. Whatever you do, don't go back to that girl.

I did it two years ago, "won her back" from the hands of her new guy and I became her puppy dog. She on the other hand, changed in a lot of ways, which was really to my disadvantage.
Those were the worst two years of my life and they ended violently.

As a firm believer of a "true love", something that is considered to be false on these forums, I can honestly say never date your ex after she started dating someone.
It may sound brute, but once a strange **** went into her vagina, game over buddy. Your princess is in another castle.

About the rest of what you've said, you were young my man. I did all this sh!t too; cheated on her behind her back, fantasized about other girls while she was licking my butthole and ready to take me anally even though it hurt her like hell, man, I truly feel sorry for her, but she got back at me eventually and she fvcked me worse than I could ever fvck her.
Women are relentless.

Sucks to be you.

I've been in a similar situations.. You meet a girl, you have fun with her, enjoy each others company. But, in the back of your mind you know shes not the right one. Then, you keep seeing her and eventually get attached...

Its okay, not all relationships are meant to be. Time will help and let you lick and heal your wounds. Just get out there meet more women, and find one that you like and she likes you for who you are!

Good Luck!

I will start by saying that I you probably won't like what I am about to say but sometimes some tough love is necesary to get people to wake up.

When you are on a healthy relationship you try to complement each other, and if it doesn't work you both walk away better than when you started. Unhealthy relationships are based on one or both people depending on each other. You were in an unhealthy relationship and here is why:

1. You were usning her as a crutch: From your text it is plainly clear that you have been using her as a crutch so you wouldn't have to deal with your own problems. Se enabled you thus making you dependent of her, she used you as much as you used her. I say this because otherwise she would of dumped you the first time she found out you were cheating on her. So dont feel too bad for her, also she hindered your coping mechanisms to the point you are dependent on others.

2. You never really gave yourself a chance to love her: Because you both needed something from each other, you really didn't have a chance to love each other. Love is to want as dependency is to need, also you have to love and respect yourself before you can love another and from your post neither of you really loved or respected yourselfs.

3. She is better off with that other guy: Because you see her as a tool more than a human being, it is clear that you see her this way because you were best friends and as soon as she was unavailable to you you decided you wanted her. If you really think she is so wonderful stop trying to ruin her relationship and just be happy she is happy.

4. Stop berating yourself: If you keep bringing yourself down you are never going to be able to deal with your own problems, you will always be dependent on others and you will never be all you can be.

From what you said it is clear that you have a bright future ahead of you, but you won't get far if you can't believe in yourself. So stop thinking about the past, because life is a journey that you just can't put on hold for a person.

Love,

Amethyst

Most men on here constantly talk about BPD women. From your post, I'd say you have BPD. You need to sort yourself out. Like the other guy said, she's a HUMAN BEING not a tool to be used as a coping mechanism.

I think amethyst and Payaso are spot on.

To amethyst: I have never seen so enlightened person in this forum as you. You got it right. Most guys here miss the point completely, but you seem to have gotten beyond the point. Good luck in life.

It's simple. She's too good for you.
You had everything every guy on here wishes a girl would do, but that's not what you wanted. You want/deserve a girl who treats you the same way back. Good job buddy

Thanks everyone, seriously. I've sought out therapy and have decided to take the semester off to get myself healthy. My priorities have to really change. The truth hurts, but I'm hoping to turn this mental breakdown into a breakthrough in life. All I want in life right now is to just be happy with myself and to just be more loving and compassionate to those who truly care about me. My ex forgave me and I have to be happy for her, because that's what a great person like her deserves is true happiness. I especially want to thank you Amethyst for the brutal honesty.

Don't forget to spin plates.