The Journey Journal (Beginner to.. Boss)

Yo dudes. Here's the deal. I'm Canadian, 20, white, male, 5'7", 123lbs, virgin (two past girlfriends, kissing only). Straight up. This is the beginning of something special (actually it started a while ago but I'm documenting it now).

So recently I decided to take my life into my own hands and become the man I hold in my highest imaginations. I'm starting University in September and this is kind of like a fresh start for me. This log will track stuff I'm doing towards my goals, like my workouts, my approaches and interactions with chicks, and other stuff.

I'm basically a total beginner to game. I've read a lot of stuff, but I've only done 1 cold approach ever (got her number, but no date). My two girlfriends were from highschool and I just blundered into them. I need a lot of work. Not gonna lie.

My goals:
-150lbs (add 25lbs of muscle)
-be able to approach any girl I want to
-get some more friends (I have like 2 friends that I actually hang out with and even then it's not often)
-have sex
-get to the point where I can easily get a girlfriend if I want one (undecided on if I do)
-Get a 90+ average my first year at Uni

I'll explain more as I go along. Let's get started with what I did today.

Worked out, pull day. 165 1RM Bent Over Row. I was in a super good approaching mood at the gym but weirdly enough there were no hot babes there that I saw. Very unusual.

Drove out to Mall 1 (closest to my house). Walked around for 30 minutes. Saw one chick, a HB8 who I looked at and she looked at me and did a little smile, but it was just at the beginning and I was all psyched up and walking too fast and just kept walking past her. Really regret letting that one go. Feels bad man. Oh well, press on.

Drove out to Mall 2 (like 20min from my house). Walked around for an hour. Saw a chick in a tight black dress, HB7 maybe 8, but I think she was working at the mall since she seemed busy all the time so I didn't go for it.

Overall saw 2 chicks I wanted to approach but didn't. Overall time spent was about 2 hrs.

Drove home, walked out to the local market/band shell night, made EC with a HB7 but her hipster glasses and her age (prob like 25) kind of lowered her value to me so I decided to pass. Was actually pretty ready to approach this one though. Didn't see anyone else worth approaching, mostly old people. So went home.

I'm gonna keep going out like 3 times per week minimum even if I just walk around the mall like I did today. I'm going with the brute force approach here to getting rid of my approach anxiety. I figure if I keep going out and putting the time in, eventually I'll just be so tired with going out and getting nothing that I'll start approaching. Seems legit.

Plan for the rest of the night. Chill, eat enough food to meet my calories, meditate for 20 min before bed.

Btw, orientation week for my school starts on the 31st, and I'll be going to a big party on campus that night. Pretty stoked.

Fvck yes. This is what I like to see. Goals and aspirations. Good for you. I will be be watching this journal closely.

Finally, a post that is based on becoming a better man.

Ok dudes, an update. Yesterday was a rest day, and I had some fun times. Went out to see that Guardians of the Galaxy movie in 3D with my friend. Good movie, funny and almost cried during one part.

After the movie we drove back to his place where his sister was hosting a bonfire. Had a BLAST, but most people there were couples, and the night kind of had a PG-13 feel to it, so it didn't get very sexy. But we had a ton of fun playing this Headband game on some dude's iphone. Even tho I didn't practice my game skills, I had a great time and improved my social skills. Good night. :rockon: Oh yeah, there was one chick who had a mini-fight with her BF, and was looking all flustered like she was ashamed of her BF, and immediately after that she looked to me and we exchanged a conversation with our eyes. I was like "yeah, that dude's pretty lame. I know you're looking at me cuz I'm better" and she was like "halp me!" but the dude was an old friend from elementary school so I wasn't gonna get involved. I wuz just like "silly girl, you got yourself into this mess".

Today I was in a great mood in the morning. Mowed the lawn while listening to some tunes on my mp3 player. Went to the gym. Main lift was 3x8 squats @100lbs (I'm weak at squats). Came home and practiced piano. Was still feeling good so I drove out to Mall 1. Saw a HB7.5 while I was eating some beef teriyaki in the food court. Had EC and smiled at her, could tell she liked that and she began playing with her hair. Exchanged a few more looks with her while I was eating. Any time I would check out another chick, HB7.5 would look to see what I was looking at like she was jealous that I wasn't looking at her. It was pretty funny lol

I was kind of sizing up the situation because she was sitting with what looked like her parents and her baby brother. Not ideal. But there was a time when she got up to take her brother to the washroom when I could've gotten up and made my move. But I just kept eating. Kind of lame, but I wasn't really that hard on myself for not doing this approach since I was busy eating my meal and couldn't be bothered to get up in the middle of it to chase after a chick just so that I didn't miss my one chance at her. Seemed like a kind of desperate thing to do, but then again I wouldn't have judged myself for doing the approach either. Whatevz.

Drove out to Mall 2. Was getting a bad vibe from this mall right off the bat. Wasn't seeing any good targets. Eventually I saw that chick I talked about in my previous trip to Mall 2 (the one that had a tight black dress), and she definitely works at the Mexx store there. First time I saw her she was vaccuuming the store so I didn't approach (excuses I know). I was gonna come back and just go for it, but the stores closed at 6PM and my chance was gone. Also saw some chicks in the book store that I wanted to approach, but I was losing my good energy at that point and just chickened out.

Lame results on the approach front. Spent about 2 hrs and chickened out of like 3 approaches. That chick at Mall 1 totally wanted me tho, so that's some progress for me. Normally I'm too afraid to even smile at chicks when I have EC to let them know I like what I see. In the past I just made EC and kind of stared at them like it was a showdown LOL. Things are improving. One of these days I'll be getting numbers.

Also I've noticed that I'm much more aware of all the chicks in the area and much less focused on the dudes. I don't even notice most dudes any more. I just zero in on all the chicks. It's like I'm in my own world, surrounded by pvssy. And I think they feel this. When I'm on point, most girls turn their head or look up to look at me when I enter the area. Good sh!t.

Plan for the rest of the day is eat my calories, meditate, practice piano again. Tomorrow I'm going to a cottage for a few days with my family, so I probably won't get any game practice, but I'll work on my social skills.

narcissist, thanks man! I'm reading your journal and it's inspiring. You're further along than I am and you're kind of an example of the things I want to be doing.

Chilling at the cottage with my mom, sis, and her BF. Had a little revelation and wanted to share it with you guys.

For anyone who isn't COMPLETELY satisfied (as much sex, money, status, kids, etc. as you can possibly want) and is having problems getting there, your problem comes from arrogance. If you think you're hot shvt, but you actually have things you still want from life, then thinking you're the greatest will prevent you from EVER getting those things. Because if you're the greatest you don't have to do any work, you don't have to take any risks, which means you won't do anything to improve your situation.

If you rationalize to yourself, "haha! yeah there are dudes getting the sex I want, but they are highschool grads working lame ass jobs living in cheap apartments, spending all weekend going out and sarging, whereas I am an intelligent upstanding citizen going to university to get a good paying job, so I'm better than them and don't need to do what they're doing, I'm on a higher road." Well then, sure, you'll take your higher road and WILL GET VERY LITTLE pvssy because of your arrogant, "I don't need to put in the work cuz I'm better than others" attitude. But is that really the road you want? No, you want the best of BOTH worlds. So instead of foolishly claiming superiority over the highschool grad DJ, instead admire him for the amount of ass he pulls, and take him as inspiration to put in the work needed to add the level of pvssy to your life that you want.

Never consider yourself better than someone else completely. Because you can always learn something from everyone. And you can ALWAYS improve your life. If you ever start to think, "Yeah, my life is pretty good how it is. I'm so cool, I think I'm just going to go on autopilot and ride this out." then WAKE THE FVCK UP because you're about to go down a dangerous road of self-destruction. The healthiest mindset is one of HUMILITY. One of SUBMISSION to your desires. Yes, I said submission. Yielding. Being feminine, being Yin. You are feeling lonely and horny sitting at home on your computer about to wack it? SUBMIT to your natural desire and accept that right now you are weak, but you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your desire met, because you love yourself so much you're willing to put your ego aside and be humble in order to get the pvssy, money, social skills or whatever it is you want. Instead of being arrogant and just jerking off because you need to GET OFF NOW cuz you're TOO GOOD to have to put in any work cause the world owes you! Well the world doesn't owe you shvt and if you don't get out there and fvcking hustle you are gonna die with your music still in you, a pathetic bvtch not worthy of the title of "man".

Alright dudes, I'm totally rambling on here so I'll put it to an end..

The workouts are going well. Started using the gym at my school, it's pretty cool. I have a feeling there will be many good opportunities to approach chicks at this gym.

So I went out to the mall today. Was using the bathroom and an old short italian guy using the urinal next to me opened me. It was pretty funny because his english wasn't the best so a lot of the time I was just smiling and nodding. We talked about the longest bridge in the world created 2000 years ago in Italy or something LOL.

Was in the bookstore and a really short girl (like 4'11") maybe a HB6.2 working there opened me asking if I'm looking for anything.
Me: well, do you have anything good?
Her: blah blah
Me: No, I mean do you personally think anything in here is good?
Her: Well I like children's books
Me: Really, how old are you?
Her: 25
Me: I just smiled kind of awkwardly at this point because for some reason I wasn't feeling attracted at all to this chick and I was feeling nervous about not feeling attracted to her but feeling pressured to flirt/socialize anyway? It was really weird. Social anxiety bull****. Should have said something like, "Wow, that's old." in kind of a half joking/half serious way.

Anyway she suggested Stephen King and I mentioned The Dark Tower series I hear it was good. We fluffed at bit more and she went off to look for the first book in the series, blah blah I just got bored and walked out without saying anything to her lol cuz it seemed like she couldn't find it.

Today I was feeling particularly awkward. The best way I can describe it is by saying I was in my head and disconnected from my body. It was like my body and mind were separate, and it took a few seconds of delay for the mind to send a message to the body and vice versa. Or it was like I was an observer of the things happening but I wasn't really there. I saw a few chicks who I knew in my head that they had all the qualities of being attractive, but I didn't feel any attraction at all in my body. My d!ck was totally limp all day (except in the morning when I have a hardon like usual)

So I decided to drive home early and just post this journal. I need to fix this because I do not like this disconnected feeling. It makes my socializing awkward and it turns off my desire for women. I think it's just my own way of manifesting my social anxiety, and I've read that when you're experiencing fear it's almost impossible to become aroused. So it all makes sense. Live and learn.

Also maybe I'll try doing nofap again. I did it once before for 90 days and it gave me a slight boost in my social ability. Nothing magical but I felt a little ballsier and social. Or maybe just noporn, since I've read that masturbating to porn can cause a disconnected feeling between mind and body and I think I agree with that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a welcome BBQ for my school and then a big concert on the campus. I'm hoping for better luck on the socializing front.

Note to self: remember to meditate for 20 minutes tonight.

Quick update. Yesterday was cool. Went to the gym in the morning. Later on met quite a few cool dudes who I might hang out with more in the future. Went to a campus BBQ and socialized, did a bunch of approaches (approaching at a social event is like 5x easier than approaching cold during the day). Got some numbers from girls. One of the chicks I found to be really hot, like an HB8.2, and she seemed to like me so maybe I'll text her another day to meet up.

After the BBQ I sent out a txt to all the girls so they had my number. Got a hook from one of them (HB6.2, whatever), told her to meet me at the tower (biggest building on campus) in 5 min. Here's the txt convo for fun:

me: hey girl it's mack
her: hey, what's up haha
me: meet me at the tower in 5
her: Ok where's that
her: Lol
me: Lol u goof. The tallest building u can see.
her: Ok
her: Be there in a sec
her: If you're still there

I think I got there first but I didn't just wait around, I went and talked to two dudes (one of them said he saw me earlier, he actually opened me before I could open him lol) and got their numbers. They were cool. Then HB6.2 walks in and we go for a walk around to explore. I wasn't totally into this girl but I was bored so we walked around for like 30 minutes killing time before the big party that night. I did a lot of leading and kino and stuff with her (but she didn't kino back so that was a sign she wasn't feeling it), made fun of her shoes for being like Crocs (kind of the same material but they looked much nicer). We walked through this forest path thing, said hey to some dudes riding their bikes down the trail. Eventually I got tired of walking so I sat down on some bleachers by the soccer field.

Tried to get her to open up about her childhood. She said a few things but was being pretty boring. I gave a funny story, and made her laugh. Got her to pick up a flower on the ground for me, and made her turn so I could see her ass while she did it LOL. It was OK. She gave me the flower and I put it behind my ear. Then I got REALLY bored and her lips looked like they'd be kind of juicy to kiss so I waited for a kind of good moment and went for the kiss. She turned her head and immediately said "Wow that was a harsh rejection".. LOL I was gonna say "Not really. I've had worse" but figured that wasn't a very sexy thing to say. I didn't even like her much, I just felt like kissing to pass the time lol. Kind of hurt the ego anyway, but I can deal. Just said "peace" and got up and walked away. She followed for a little bit, started asking me questions a little more (cause she probably respected me for going for the kiss even tho she wasn't feeling it. like I said I wasn't really feeling it either I just wanted to get something from this chick cause she was kinda boring otherwise). And then we parted ways.

Fast forward to the party, it was crazy, and not really in a good way. There were so many people packed into this place so it was really hot and the music was VERY loud, so it was almost impossible to get any conversation going. Me and two dudes had some fun at the start bombing groups and just dancing crazy to get them hyped up. I grabbed a chick from behind cause her ass looked good and grinded on her for a bit with my hands around her waist, but I wasn't getting a hard-on so I just got bored and grabbed her tits LOL. She pushed my hand away and I grinded for a little more but still wasn't getting turned on so I left her. I really need to cut out porn so I can get turned on easier.

And that's about it. Hope I can get some more 1on1s with chicks because I think those give me the most experience to learn from. Like today for example, that was the fastest I ever escalated to a kiss attempt with a chick (total time spent with her was maybe 45 mins). That's progress for me lol.

Peace out for now.

I have some interactions to write about but I'll save them for later. Just want to post about ego and mindset for now.

I was walking down the sidewalk at Uni (on the right side as is the custom to do, just like driving on a road), when I noticed two really big dudes walking towards me on the same side, so that if we kept walking at each other we'd surely collide. Not wanting this experience to happen to us if we could avoid it, I got eye contact with the dudes, as if to say "Yes, hello, I am here. I am walking on the right side while you are not, and the respectful thing for you to do is to move a little aside so that we don't bump into each other." There was room for them to make this maneuver, so the choice was all theirs.

Well, the dudes got the eye contact, but they didn't get the message because they clearly intended to bump right into me if I didn't move out of their way. They were about 6'2" and I'm 5'7". I had no reason to fear them, so I could have bumped into them and I expect it would have just been an uncomfortable and silly experience for all of us. But, as I said before, I didn't want this to happen to us, so I decided to put my ego aside and take one for the team by accommodating their apparent incompetence. I stepped further to the right (down off the curb onto the road) to allow them to pass.

Was this a beta move? Shouldn't an alpha male always walk in a straight line and have everyone move out of his way? The answer is no. If you do that no one will respect you. They'll just see you as an insecure douchebag. But also true is that the action I took wasn't necessarily the best possible action to take. There are others which are also viable (such as straight up telling them to move, saying "excuse me", trying to walk through in between the dudes, stopping and standing my ground to have them walk around me, stopped them and tried to teach them the proper way to walk on a sidewalk LOL, etc.). But what I did was fine as well, and possibly even the best option because it allowed me to keep walking with the least possible effort. The point is that a real man does what he wants, and he doesn't care how he looks for doing it. His ego doesn't prevent him from taking the appropriate action. He is so secure in himself that he can easily perform an accommodating act for the greater good of himself and others without worrying that it might make him lose his "status" as the alpha. Alpha is not a position you win or lose by petty competitions. It is a mindset of positivity, respect, humility, and value-giving.

Let me tell you my interpretation of these two dudes walking down the sidewalk. The answer is I cannot know exactly why they did what they did. I know that their action was incorrect, but I don't know anything else about them so I cannot judge them. Maybe they were having a bad day. Maybe they are insecure with themselves so they must use their size to force others to move out of their way. Maybe they were just so distracted thinking of other things that they weren't in the moment, and their momentum just carried them along a slightly incorrect path. All of these interpretations are plausible.

I'm writing about this because it illustrates a change in my mindset that has happened. It also relates to gaming women. Stepping down from that sidewalk was similar to getting rejected by a woman. In the past, I would think to myself, "oh no, what I just did makes me look like a weak loser. everything is supposed to work for me. I'm always supposed to get my way. Now that I've had that rejection happen I can't maintain the fantasy in my head that I'm some perfect alpha player macho dude."

Now I think, "Who knows why that happened. Certainly it doesn't demonstrate that I'm any less of a person. What I did was true to myself, and instead of being ashamed of the outcome, I am proud that I did the right thing." In the case of the sidewalkers, it was their loss that they didn't demonstrate to me their ability to walk on the proper side of the sidewalk to allow foot traffic to be conducted unhindered. They lost an opportunity to gain my respect. Instead, now they will have to work harder to earn it if they want to receive the benefits of associating with me. Of course, I will be compassionate and forgive them if they admit their mistake. And if they don't, that's too bad for them. I'll probably never see these guys again, but you get the point.

Another post dealing with ego/mindset and this is more on dominance/submission, or hardness/softness, or yang/yin.

Everyone knows that women find dominance attractive, and I'm not going to argue with that here. It's true. But, what's even more attractive than pure dominance is the ability to switch between dominance and submission to fit the situation.

Someone who is purely dominant will inevitably be seen as a negative, controlling, slave-driving, uncalibrated, insecure psychopath. Some girls might get wet for this, I don't deny it. Rape fantasies are common, although I think even women with rape fantasies wouldn't enjoy being raped because rape tends to be very painful and traumatic. But even if being purely dominant did get you a lot of pvssy, it would still be a bad strategy. Why? Because you'll destroy everything you come in contact with, and you'll end up destroying yourself (in our world today, you'd just end up getting shot or w/e). Pvssy don't mean sh!t to you when you're dead, nigguh. On a smaller scale, if you take on a personality that isn't going to get you killed but is still way too controlling, you'll give negative vibes and no one will want to hang out with you.

We as men like to think of ourselves as the cool dude who tends to get what he wants, but the truth is that every day we make little concessions to accommodate other people, which, even though we don't like to admit it, is a form of submission. But submission is not a bad thing. The word submission should not bring a negative emotional reaction to the surface of your mind. Submission is actually just as powerful, and just as attractive, as dominance, when they are both used in their proper circumstances. The ability to accept that not everything is in your control is super sexy because it makes you adaptable to all situations.

In some cases, submission actually wins you more power than dominance! WHAT?!? Let me tell you why. Let's take the case of a really b1tchy, feministy type woman. I'm not talking about the hot 20 yr old chick who claims to be a feminist but who you can just neg really hard and she'll hop on your alpha c0ck. I'm talking about a 50 yr old menopausal b1tchy alpha woman, who's going to be totally immune to your masculine yang energy. In this case, instead of fighting with her for dominance, you should actually TEACH her HOW to be feminine by being submissive yourself first, and showing her that it's OK to be submissive, and you don't judge her if she's submissive, and you don't judge yourself if you're submissive either. Be nice to her. Be compassionate. Carry her grocery bags for her or something. Realize that she's probably that way because she hasn't been shown any positive male attention in a LONG time. Of course, don't hang around the woman if she doesn't soften up after you do some nice things for her. You don't want to actually waste your time and resources on a lost cause. But chances are if you show her it's OK to give up control, and that men and women can have positive experiences together, she'll respect you big time for that.

Or let's take the case of a type-A busybody hot 24yr old chick who's in law school, who feels insecure with herself so she needs to always be in charge. Guess what. If you try your typical dominance play against this chick, she'll just play games with you or argue with you and you'll get nowhere. Alternatively, you can accept that she has committed herself to only expressing yang energy, and respond in kind with yin! Allow her to game herself into sleeping with you! If she's gonna do the work to get you laid, then hell yeah! Let her do it! Let her set the dates, let her blow you instead of fvcking you because she needs to play silly games to keep control. It's still a bl0wjob. Surprise her by enjoying the fvck out of that silly bl0wjob she intended to use as a power play. Turn it around on her by not giving a fvck that she's in control and suddenly you gain control! If you show you're totally unfazed by her silly games she might want to jump on your d1ck right away! The funny thing is, since your ego is so non-existent, and you're so secure with your masculinity that you can just lay back and yield to her and let her do all the work, she will probably end up opening up to you and becoming much more soft, because you have broken through her b1tch shield by leading by example.

Those are just two extremes where you let the woman be the dominant yang personality, and you adopt a more submissive yin personality and you actually come out ahead because of it. But in most situations there will be a balance you need to strike. Some chicks you'll need to be 80% yang 20% yin. Some chicks 50 / 50 will work. The balance will also change depending on her mood, her period cycle, etc. But the point is, don't get caught up in your ego, thinking you need to always be this big macho dominant guy who's 90% yang. In some circumstances that might be the best play. But in others you will lose out on fun girls you could've slept with because you demonstrated insecurity by always needing to be the one in control. Don't attach yourself to one way of being. Don't hold an image of who you are in your mind. Instead, be whoever you want to be in each moment.

Lots of words today. I'm in a contemplative mood.

Ok so I've become aware of a serious problem that I need to fix NOW.

Things are going really good socially and I'm breaking new ground with girls. Been hanging out with a cool group of friends at school. Went on a date with a chick (didn't work out because lack of chemistry but it was cool anyway, got her to pay for my food lol). My social anxiety is getting a lot better and I'm actually enjoying my interactions with people a lot more!

I already posted about how I went to a party, grinded on a hot chick but got NO RESPONSE from my d!ck. Well, I went to another party and this time I grinded on a crazy black chick who basically MACHINE GUNNED on my d!ck and she could only get me HALF an erection. Went to ANOTHER party, just last night, and was grinding AND making out with a really hot girl and STILL couldn't get turned on.

So basically I found this video and it explains exactly what's going on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGxXHBVDYU

I've officially decided to cut out porn for the indefinite future. I need to fix this problem asap because it is KILLING any chance I have at getting laid. God damn, I feel like such an idiot for jacking off to porn so much. I feel bad for the chicks who probably felt unsexy when I couldn't get turned on for them. I'm going to fix this once and for all.