I recently moved to another country to continue my studies in my field. I was in a relationship of 4 years at the time. When I came here I fell in love with a female colleague (27 years old). She knew about my relationship and we proceeded in having a secret relationship of our own. This was two months before Christmas. On Christmas I went to visit my girlfriend.
The expectations were that I would break up and come back to my new love. I was very guilty and I couldn't do it although I really wanted to but my guilt would not let me. When I came back I told my colleague that I could not do it and I needed some time. She burst into tears and we had a breakdown. We communicated from now and then, still showing interest with some hand holding and sexual talk some time, but nothing more happened.
After about a month I finally did break up, I told her and she seemed happy. We spent a few days together more or less happy and getting close again. We did not have sex again but we did sleep together, took baths together etc... She seemed distant and I asked her about it. She told me that she was still angry at me and didn't know what to do with this new situation. She told me that she did not expect I would break up. After a few days of more or less drifting apart I asked her again. She said she doesn't know how she feels, that she still likes me but it's hard for her to let me in again. She also mentioned that she thinks I need time for my breakup. I have a feeling that her friends told her to hold back until she is sure I've broken up for good or to even not trust me again.
This feels really bad because the time we spent as a couple was the most amazing time, we had so much in common and we really clicked. She even said the L word.She is a very independent woman (being Dutch) so I feel I should not put any pressure on her. Because we are in the same study program we will be moving almost at the same time to another country for about 6 months and maybe more. So she will be in my life more or less.
After about a week I asked her for a small meeting to chat and she accepted. I confronted her about her roommates putting thoughts in her head and she accepted this. Also that she put some thoughts in her own head about it after our last weekend together. She says she can't trust me now and she is not willing to try because she doesn't want to get her heart broken twice by me and that I also moved too fast after I broke up and we spend some days together.
I told her that I will stop chasing her and if we are meant to be together we have time. Anyway she finally said that we should try and remain professionals in our work but not friends right now because it will be awkward to be around each other. Told her that I really love her (first time I said it, to which she almost teared up) and I would never break her heart again, and she said that I am saying big words... I could see conflict inside her and that she was hurting too. So I let it be...
So an important thing to note here. I think this is where all got ****ed up. Valentine's day, amazing time together, this was before she started to become distant. She was even telling me that this is the beginning of something wonderful... Anyway, she mentions a party that will be on next Saturday and how we should go there. I said ok and left it at that.
Now when I met her on Wednesday, we were still a bit closer, with kissing and hugging during our elevator rides in the office. So I mentioned the party, and she said that she will be there with her colleagues... So I got a bit upset, and told her "OK I got it, you are trying to prove you are independent..." and left...
So I guess all hell broke loose... Next day all I got was a hug and after that we drifted apart. So during our last talk she was also saying things like that we can't work out because she is very independent and I am too sensitive and jealous... Which I am not... I was just going through a ****ing hard breakup...
Then I went no contact for 3 weeks, she was away for two weeks on some training seminars. They day she got back she sent me an email in the evening. She was just asking how life was. I did not answer. The next day I went by her office to welcome her back and ask how the trip was. Well she wasn't as cold as I expected, she was friendly and smiley and we had a nice chat which I cut short and went back to work. I saw her again one more time and we had another small chat, about random stuff. Just a friendly interaction. Did not mention anything about us and left it at that...
So how do I proceed from now on ? Should I continue this no contact thing ? Basically I know that the past is broken and my only chance is to start over. Can the feelings she had be completely gone or she basically convinced herself that she will be hurt again and all the feelings are boiling under the surface here ?
In about a month she will be moving to the new place, and I will already be there, so this might be a good start again, but do I try and be friendly and bring her back in my life in a way, or should I just remain distant and see if she will initiate something ??
Thank you for reading through all my rumblings here... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you for being patient enough to read through all my rumblings!!!
The expectations were that I would break up and come back to my new love. I was very guilty and I couldn't do it although I really wanted to but my guilt would not let me. When I came back I told my colleague that I could not do it and I needed some time. She burst into tears and we had a breakdown. We communicated from now and then, still showing interest with some hand holding and sexual talk some time, but nothing more happened.
After about a month I finally did break up, I told her and she seemed happy. We spent a few days together more or less happy and getting close again. We did not have sex again but we did sleep together, took baths together etc... She seemed distant and I asked her about it. She told me that she was still angry at me and didn't know what to do with this new situation. She told me that she did not expect I would break up. After a few days of more or less drifting apart I asked her again. She said she doesn't know how she feels, that she still likes me but it's hard for her to let me in again. She also mentioned that she thinks I need time for my breakup. I have a feeling that her friends told her to hold back until she is sure I've broken up for good or to even not trust me again.
This feels really bad because the time we spent as a couple was the most amazing time, we had so much in common and we really clicked. She even said the L word.She is a very independent woman (being Dutch) so I feel I should not put any pressure on her. Because we are in the same study program we will be moving almost at the same time to another country for about 6 months and maybe more. So she will be in my life more or less.
After about a week I asked her for a small meeting to chat and she accepted. I confronted her about her roommates putting thoughts in her head and she accepted this. Also that she put some thoughts in her own head about it after our last weekend together. She says she can't trust me now and she is not willing to try because she doesn't want to get her heart broken twice by me and that I also moved too fast after I broke up and we spend some days together.
I told her that I will stop chasing her and if we are meant to be together we have time. Anyway she finally said that we should try and remain professionals in our work but not friends right now because it will be awkward to be around each other. Told her that I really love her (first time I said it, to which she almost teared up) and I would never break her heart again, and she said that I am saying big words... I could see conflict inside her and that she was hurting too. So I let it be...
So an important thing to note here. I think this is where all got ****ed up. Valentine's day, amazing time together, this was before she started to become distant. She was even telling me that this is the beginning of something wonderful... Anyway, she mentions a party that will be on next Saturday and how we should go there. I said ok and left it at that.
Now when I met her on Wednesday, we were still a bit closer, with kissing and hugging during our elevator rides in the office. So I mentioned the party, and she said that she will be there with her colleagues... So I got a bit upset, and told her "OK I got it, you are trying to prove you are independent..." and left...
So I guess all hell broke loose... Next day all I got was a hug and after that we drifted apart. So during our last talk she was also saying things like that we can't work out because she is very independent and I am too sensitive and jealous... Which I am not... I was just going through a ****ing hard breakup...
Then I went no contact for 3 weeks, she was away for two weeks on some training seminars. They day she got back she sent me an email in the evening. She was just asking how life was. I did not answer. The next day I went by her office to welcome her back and ask how the trip was. Well she wasn't as cold as I expected, she was friendly and smiley and we had a nice chat which I cut short and went back to work. I saw her again one more time and we had another small chat, about random stuff. Just a friendly interaction. Did not mention anything about us and left it at that...
So how do I proceed from now on ? Should I continue this no contact thing ? Basically I know that the past is broken and my only chance is to start over. Can the feelings she had be completely gone or she basically convinced herself that she will be hurt again and all the feelings are boiling under the surface here ?
In about a month she will be moving to the new place, and I will already be there, so this might be a good start again, but do I try and be friendly and bring her back in my life in a way, or should I just remain distant and see if she will initiate something ??
Thank you for reading through all my rumblings here... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you for being patient enough to read through all my rumblings!!!