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Trying to let this go but.......

jc_80

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Ran into ex a week ago. After saying she thought we both did things wrong, she said she ended it because I accused her of abortion. This has been on my mind ever since. I don't think I accused her of this. If you all could give me some unbiased opinion....
Here was what was said the day before we broke up.
Me - do you feel like you can tell me anything?
Her - yes
Me - I want to know why you didn't call or text me the morning of your miscarriage.
Her - you were working
Me - I wasn't working yet. We wake up and start work same time. And you said you woke up spotting and knew you wouldn't be going to work. You text me every morning but not that morning. And you knew I would be wondering why you weren't at work.
Her - ok I'm sorry if I offended you. I was trying to take care of myself and didn't know what was going on yet.
Me - but you knew something could be wrong and I would be wondering where you were. Why not tell me?
Her - I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to upset you at work. Plus already told you I was trying to take care of myself and didn't have time to deal with it. Besides I did tell you as soon as it was over. You're the first person I called.
Me - that's what bothers me. You called after. It's like I was I was intentionally not made a part of it, like you were hiding something. And you did upset me at work when you called later and told me you miscarried. If not wanting to upset me at work was a reason then why not wait until I was done working?
Her - You're making everything worse right now. I don't understand why you have to bring this up now. I'm already overwhelmed with other things. And what is this about me hiding something?
Me - just saying none of this makes sense. You had time to call your friend to help you. You had time to call out sick. Your mom knew and cleaned your house before you got home. Why couldn't you tell me anything? It's like you don't see me as somebody important that you can turn to. It was my baby and I'm your boyfriend.
Her - what is your problem? I was taking care of myself. It wasn't all about you.
Me - it looks suspicious. I'm not saying you're lying about having a miscarriage, but you handled it in a way that somebody would use to hide an abortion. And I'm not saying you did, just that it's upsetting that you did it that way. Why leave room to make me wonder?
Her - fvck you I miscarried. We're supposed to trust each other. I shouldn't have to prove everything to you.
Me - I believe you. The issue isn't whether you had an abortion anyway. Whether it was a miscarriage or you wanted an abortion, why not call me or ask for help with it or at least tell me what was happening? You said you feel like you can tell me anything but maybe you don't. That's what this is all about, not a lie about an abortion.
Her - you think I had an abortion. You don't want to trust me then don't. I can't handle you and these accusations. (Then she walked away).

So last week I told her I was sorry I offended her and never meant to make her feel accused. She said, oh right because it was all about you wasn't it. I was taking care of myself and it's the last time I'm going to talk about this. This is why we can't be together, you do things differently than I do and there's all these supposed misconceptions. You weren't even happy anymore it was obvious what was the point. I said I was mostly happy. She said she was happy too. I asked why break up then. She said she already told me and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Then she gave me a hug and said she's sorry she hurt me and she was being inconsiderate that morning but she was just trying to take care of herself.

This is the first time I've found myself questioning myself about a breakup and feeling like I have no closure. I need to know if I was way out of line and what it means about me and possible trust issues. If I did anything wrong I don't want to do it again with other people. I can see how I offended her but at the same time I don't understand how she couldn't see my point of view.

Should I have just let this go and trusted her or should I have just broke it off and not talked about it if I couldn't live with it?
 

HoneyHitter

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jc_80 said:
So last week I told her I was sorry I offended her and never meant to make her feel accused.
Dude, you need to be *****slapped for this! It's nothing but reasonable to ask for an explanation for what seems suspicious behavior. But it's not worth it. She will never admit you were right, unless you display extremely aggressive behaviour that intimidates her. (I've been there, but it's really not worth the risk)

What she did is more than enough reason to drop her INSTANTLY. No need for evidence. The evidence is in her behavior.

jc_80 said:
She said, oh right because it was all about you wasn't it. I was taking care of myself and it's the last time I'm going to talk about this. This is why we can't be together, you do things differently than I do and there's all these supposed misconceptions. You weren't even happy anymore it was obvious what was the point.
Look at this man, now she's trying to turn it around and act is if you were in the wrong. You were not. Chances are the baby wasn't even yours to begin with. Think about that. And in case it was your baby, she just showed you how much she believes in you: not at all.

DROP HER. Cease all contact. Immediately.

jc_80 said:
I said I was mostly happy. She said she was happy too. I asked why break up then. She said she already told me and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Then she gave me a hug and said she's sorry she hurt me and she was being inconsiderate that morning but she was just trying to take care of herself.
Do you see this powerplay? A woman will ALWAYS try to get the upper hand and create a situation where SHE can be the one to break up with you. For her ego.

jc_80 said:
This is the first time I've found myself questioning myself about a breakup and feeling like I have no closure. I need to know if I was way out of line and what it means about me and possible trust issues. If I did anything wrong I don't want to do it again with other people.
There's no need to question yourself. You were right. She was disrespectful. End of story.

This is your problem:
You're letting her overwhelm you with her emotions. You really need to grow a thicker skin. Even if she's crying her eyes out, don't let it move you. Women are the most manipulative beings! They change their emotions like a chameleon changes its color.

What to do when something like this happens:
Don't mirror her. Don't sympathize. Stay calm, make your decision based on what she does and the information she voluntarily gives to you. Don't ask questions. Let her ramble until she exhausts herself. She will try to bait you into a discussion, but you can't reason with unreasonable creatures. It doesn't matter if she has a Phd or whatever her job is, when something of this nature occurs, they all respond the same way.


In a year or so, you'll be glad you let her go. She will get what she deserves, and it's certainly not a good man.


Signing off, double Hizzle
 

jc_80

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I did think it was odd she kept fvcking me after breaking up. If so offended then why do that.
 

Scaramouche

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Dear JC,
What a shame,there is so much bitterness here that any attempt at appeasement will result in bitter acrimony...just let it slide!
 

sodbuster

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She saw you were over it, and tried to drag you back in emotionally.... DON"T let her
 

Greasy Pig

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Never apologise for taking a stand against shytty behaviour. As honey hitter said, all the evidence was right in front of you. You weren't making crap up, you were expressing concern about things you'd already seen.
You have every right to call her out on suspicious, odd or crap behaviour. Don't be afraid of the fight, stay calm and strongly state your position.
As others said, she tried to blame you but just calmly stick to the issue at hand, don't let her sidetrack you.
If she was truly into you, she would've called you first. It wouldn't matter if you were the president of the USA in a DEFCON 1 war briefing, if there was a problem with the pregnancy, she'd call you.
So she is guilty of suspicious and unbecoming behaviour, you are guilty of nothing.
 

Albatross953

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Taking care of herself....over and over you're saying she said that. I see that as her rationalizing. I bet she did abort. Also explains the mom running to rescue.
 

Kailex

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She's your ex, why would you want to send her anything?

Stop being bitter about all this and move on. You dodged a HUGE bullet but for some reason, you just want to hold onto all of it and to her.
 

jc_80

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Because I actually believe she probably miscarried and just wanted her to admit it looked suspicious and inconsiderate and apologize. My sister works in OBGYN and said it's rare but possible to happen all in one morning. My ex didn't seem to understand what the problem was. Her phone alarm went off the morning we broke up and she had given me the password to it so when I turned it off I noticed her text thread was open and it was about me being thick and crazy and and making her feel like a flawed person and not trusting her anymore. It's really a big mind fvck because we were actually happy until this incident. And all these people understand it except her, the one person that needed to. Then I think well maybe she did abort then. I just want to know the truth. The fvck happened?
 

sodbuster

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WHY do you feel the need to make her admit you were right? you want closure? THAT'S what WOMEN do.... they analyze all relationships ALL the time. Act like a man and let it go. Here's the truth ...she's a f&cking woman. She can spend all day telling you why and it still won't make sense. BUT, it would to another woman, because they run on FEELINGS, not LOGIC.
 

jc_80

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sodbuster said:
WHY do you feel the need to make her admit you were right? you want closure? THAT'S what WOMEN do.... they analyze all relationships ALL the time. Act like a man and let it go. Here's the truth ...she's a f&cking woman. She can spend all day telling you why and it still won't make sense. BUT, it would to another woman, because they run on FEELINGS, not LOGIC.
lol ya fair enough I'm just saying I want to know if it was an abortion but then again like Kailex said I dodged a bullet and I was relieved because my IL fell off a cliff right before so don't know what the obsession is. This situation and finding out I have a 5 year old daughter calling someone else dad, it's taken a big hit on my attitude to sex . Like every time I have sex now I think of babies and it turns me off because an element of mistrust is associated with it.
 

sodbuster

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Yeah, that whole "surprise kid" would screw you up.... but you dodged a bullet there too. You didn't have to live with mom.... but it would suck knowing you aren't in your daughters life. BUT maybe a DNA test is in order on her... it wouldn't be the first time a woman lied.... She may have had a thing for guys with your "look" I know a woman who married a guy who looked like a twin brother to a different boyfriend she had....
 

Krueg

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JC, some things are better left alone. Sure it might bug you now, but there isnt anything you can do about it. I'm learning there really isnt any point in understanding womens logic anymore, it is what it is! Best thing to do is cut your loses and move on, take it as a learning experience.
 

Kailex

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jc_80 said:
lol ya fair enough I'm just saying I want to know if it was an abortion but then again like Kailex said I dodged a bullet and I was relieved because my IL fell off a cliff right before so don't know what the obsession is. This situation and finding out I have a 5 year old daughter calling someone else dad, it's taken a big hit on my attitude to sex . Like every time I have sex now I think of babies and it turns me off because an element of mistrust is associated with it.
Why do you want to know?

It doesn't matter.

You might need to go see a therapist. I think that is the more pressing issue. What happens if your ex decides to tell you one way or the other... the situation stays the same. But if you are having this attitude when it comes to a biological imperative, you need to either: (A) Cool off and not date for a while, or, (B) Seek help.
 
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