the "happy wife, happy life" mentality

FieldDay · Jul 26, 2014

Is it ever acceptable to follow this protocol?

I knew a guy who was engaged to my ex-girlfriend's sister. He literally did not give a f*ck about anything and was totally OK with anything his girl wanted. Where they lived, the vacations they went on, where they ate dinner, what religion they were going to follow, etc. He really enjoyed the lifestyle she led and was perfectly content with letting her lead. Now he had a high paying job and worked from home. She also had a great job and came from a very wealthy family. So money was not an issue in this. Actually one reason I broke up with my ex-girlfriend was because I was not like this guy at all. I usually had a preference about our day-to-day lifestyle or major life decisions. These girls had google calendars that they would share with us to make sure we knew about the social engagements we were attending. Personally I had to draw the line at limiting some of these social events, but he did not care at all.

I'm just wondering, if you are really into a girl for a long-term relationship, do you think that mentality is good for the long-term? I feel like a man should be able to express his preference on some level. But this guy just didn't care at all. Maybe I just envy him?

MOTU · Jul 26, 2014

I might have a little of that tendency. I am pretty easy going and relatively easily amused, so often times my give-a-fvckometer can get so low on some topics that a woman could take the lead, as long as they stayed inside my very broad guardrails.

But here's the problem with that: eventually they will resent your lack of leadership and interpret your not caring about day to day sh!t as not caring for them. Then, they will start to sh!t test you to prove your love; but it's a catch 22. The more you do to prove your love, the less attracted to you they are and the more they resent you.

I have learned this the hard way, through two failed marriages. Now I am unequivocal about who is leading the relationship. I don't mean selfish; I mean calling all my own shots and making no bones about it.

sodbuster · Jul 27, 2014

If you can't stand up to HER, how are you ever going to stand up FOR her

VeganSuperman · Jul 27, 2014

To be honest, If she's loaded and she's good looking - many guys would go for it and play along, 30% of me says he's ****ing one of the Help or he has some side story going on.

Golddigging is unisex isn't just a woman.

zekko · Jul 27, 2014

The "happy wife, happy life" saying really means that if your wife is unhappy, she's going to be contentious, and a contentious wife makes for an unhappy household. How can you have a happy household when your wife is being a pain in the @ss? And besides, wouldn't you want your marital partner to be happy?

That doesn't mean you should supplicate to everything she says, however - far from it. The man has to lead for a relationship to work.

I would never let my woman set my schedule for me. But sometimes women have some sweet social hookups that would otherwise be unavailable, and I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of that. My girlfriend has some friends who go on some very interesting outings, and I usually happily go along on those. But I also have my own things to do, I would never let her set my schedule. At the very least she has to ask first.

FieldDay · Jul 27, 2014

Thank you for this wisdom

I think with the right girl who shares the same lifestyle interests as you, it would be a lot less of a problem. Yea this girl was genuinely happy, that is, until I didn't live up to her expectations. She was not looking for me to fulfill some void within her, rather she wanted me as a tag-a-long to her interesting fast-paced lifestyle. Maybe to some men this would be a dream, haha. The money also makes things complicated. When she has the money to vacation in France and I have the money to vacation in Rehobeth Beach, DE (lol actually a nice family spot)... Who do you think is going to have more sway in where we get to go on vacation? I'm not second guessing ANY of my past decisions, just trying to gain some perspective and learn from my experience.

Glad I found this forum in 2010. No whining or ranting about what's wrong with women in the world. Just practical advice on how we can make ourselves better.

guru1000 · Jul 27, 2014

I had a friend who exhorted the "happy life, happy life" manta. His perception of such expression included acquiescing fully to his wife's demands, and capitulation of the frame in all interactions. Sure, she ostensibly appeared happy until another demand was interposed. Truth is, she resented his acquiescence--common DJ wisdom. He divorced 12 months later.

DJ 101: Be vigilant in what is subsumed under "happy wife." Is she truly happy simply because she is with you, the DJ--or temporally happy under the machination of your acquiescence?

samspade · Jul 27, 2014

Sure, "happy wife = happy life," but you're a DJ and you know what makes women happy, which is markedly different from the pop cultural/feminist line of b.s. ("treat her like a queen," "she comes first," and all that garbage). The other part of the equation is you and your happiness; if you're sacrificing your happiness to placate her and hers, you're doing it wrong. I reiterate: You must be tending to your happiness first before you can begin to contribute to that of another.

speed dawg · Jul 27, 2014

FieldDay said:
Is it ever acceptable to follow this protocol?

I knew a guy who was engaged to my ex-girlfriend's sister. He literally did not give a f*ck about anything and was totally OK with anything his girl wanted. Where they lived, the vacations they went on, where they ate dinner, what religion they were going to follow, etc. He really enjoyed the lifestyle she led and was perfectly content with letting her lead. Now he had a high paying job and worked from home. She also had a great job and came from a very wealthy family. So money was not an issue in this. Actually one reason I broke up with my ex-girlfriend was because I was not like this guy at all. I usually had a preference about our day-to-day lifestyle or major life decisions. These girls had google calendars that they would share with us to make sure we knew about the social engagements we were attending. Personally I had to draw the line at limiting some of these social events, but he did not care at all.

I'm just wondering, if you are really into a girl for a long-term relationship, do you think that mentality is good for the long-term? I feel like a man should be able to express his preference on some level. But this guy just didn't care at all. Maybe I just envy him?

Yeah I think you missed the point of Happy Wife Happy Life, and how pathetic it really is.

The essence is that the guy must walk on eggshells, go balls to the wall at every media holiday imaginable, and read his wife's mind in order to secure his monthly p*ssy scraps. This is a man who is afraid of his wife, or better yet, he's afraid of walking away because society has brainwashed him into thinking that Happy Wife is his goal.

Blargh · Jul 27, 2014

Happy Wife = Happy Life = False

Unhappy Wife = Unhappy Life = True

taiyuu_otoko · Jul 28, 2014

Any fool who expects a women to turn his life from unhappy to happy deserves the hell his life will inevitably become.

In fact, I'd say that because relationships CAN be so incredibly painful, you've got to have a HUGE level of happiness to BEGIN WITH, or you are DOOOOOOMED.

In fact, that might be the "best" sorting criteria one could use. Is SHE (whoever she may be) capable of being happy, all by her lonesome, WITHOUT needing any external and continuous input to keep it artificially inflated?

zekko · Jul 28, 2014

Blargh said:
Happy Wife = Happy Life = False

Unhappy Wife = Unhappy Life = True

That's a better way of putting it, well done.

dasein · Jul 28, 2014

I heard this first from a Jewish friend, so assumed it was a jew thing. If that is the case, it is probably more applicable to the closer community of judaism that exerts significant social and community pressure on marriages naturally than to the average freewheeling American relationship without as much family or community involvement/social pressure. Same could be said of more insular, traditional communities where the chances of the wife getting spoiled or not keeping her end of the bargain are much much less.

As far as the average US marriage today IMO? Completely empty words. It's a truism that married people should strive to make each other happy, no need to verbalize it in a cliche' and ESPECIALLY not as a gender specific statement.

zekko · Jul 28, 2014

dasein said:
It's a truism that married people should strive to make each other happy, no need to verbalize it in a cliche' and ESPECIALLY not as a gender specific statement.

Well, it IS a gender specific statement, because usually if a guy is unhappy he will keep it to himself and soldier through. He's not going to b!tch and nag and make everyone's lives around him feel miserable like a woman might be inclined to. Which is a big part of what the saying is about.

But certainly making each other happy shouldn't be a one way street. Hopefully, you can both make yourselves happy, and coexist much more peacefully.

the "happy wife, happy life" mentality

FieldDay

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zekko

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