My thoughts about my life so far (long post)

Intro
I've been thinking about making a thread like this for a while. I decided to put it in the mature man because I figured the best odds of getting not only people who can relate with me but good advice too would be highest here. I'll post it in "chapters" so it's easier to digest and so I can go to bed now. I'll make chapters Family and School to begin with because that's what it takes to analyse the "failed try" of an upbringing I got.

The ultimate point of this thread is to release my feelings and reinforce my resolve to keep taking my life into my own hands forward.


Family
Dad is gambian and mom is swedish. Dad is a bit younger and a devoted muslim, mom identifies as christian but isn't active. Mom was 36 when she got me, they met on a dance floor somewhere and married. She claims he got abusive and behaved weirdly, so she decided to end it. When I was 5 she moved in with who is still her husband. I still don't know for sure what he had against me but I think it's a combination of his own upbringing, having a low intelligence, a need for control and jealousy. He's never been abusive to me on the level of other kids, just a big pain in the @ss petty and spiteful moron.

I've lost what respect I had for my mom by now, I've never liked her (or rather, she's never made herself likeable) but until I started analysing her behaviour and psychology I didn't dislike her either.

My dad is unknowable, he's either just been really messed up or he's suffering from some condition that he always had. I don't even know how to describe it because I've never met anyone else as alien as him, I've tried over and over but I can't relate to him and the way he relates to me makes it a pain in the @ss to keep up contact with him. All he does is drone on in monotone with a monotonous voice about the same things and the same subjects within those things: safety and religion. He never smiles or laughs. He never speaks about or mentions himself or his past, I know barely anything about him and no one knows anything else either. He's like a robot unable to think about how he comes across or uncaring.

Whenever I think about it, all I want to do is never see or hear from any of the adults that have raised me. I didn't know what I was missing until I thought about the lifes of other people, started frequenting the internet more about this stuff like the varying effects of parental involvement. I don't feel ill will to my dad because I don't know him (the only person who sort of did is dead now), but I feel a vengeance-like satisfaction about the thought of neglecting my mom in her elderly years because of the stupid choices she to this day keeps making and has no understanding of. At least she knows she f*cked up when she gave birth to me, because even though her new husband is also abusive she stays with him so my little brother isn't an aborted case too (although I think she got habituated to it a long time ago, she just gave up and decided to take her new husband's side so she can live in her delusion of having a happy family like she wants to, haha). Whenever I think about this, I have to keep myself calm knowing that I can't "blow up" until I've moved out which I plan to do when I start going to university at the latest (why I haven't yet will be covered in the next chapter).

When I was a kid and I asked her why she's even with him, if it's love or economy, she admitted to me she did it for the economy (this guy earns on par with her at the best of times). The fact that she got pregnant to this guy and then moved in and discovered he was abusive, after she already had a kid with another according to her abusive man, should tell you enough about my mom's intelligence and just a little part of why I have absolutely no respect or regard for her anymore despite wanting to have. Several times from my adolescence she's told me I've destroyed her life. She's only said it in anger, but that's when the truth comes out to me. Note how she blames her own child for destroying her life? I didn't ask her spineless, stupid self to give birth to me, she f*cked it all up from the start nicely by herself. I can't wait for the day when I can show how much I resent her and her husband.

very interesting, with that kind of upbringing and family background do you see yourself as one with a healthy mental capacity and outlook on life? Its been well documented that "the nut doesn't fall far from the tree." I'm not saying that is your case, just asking if there was someone else like a grandparent that helped you see past all of this that you were able to learn from?

Howiestern said:

very interesting, with that kind of upbringing and family background do you see yourself as one with a healthy mental capacity and outlook on life? Its been well documented that "the nut doesn't fall far from the tree." I'm not saying that is your case, just asking if there was someone else like a grandparent that helped you see past all of this that you were able to learn from?

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I'm glad you found it interesting.

I don't know whether I have a healthy mental capacity yet, but I'm pretty sure I've stored a lot of anger from my childhood which I couldn't express then. Smashing both my mom and her husband would be the most relieving thing in the world and I purposely keep them out of my thoughts for that reason (anger isn't good for you if it goes unresolved), I'm pretty sure I'm going to shock those idiots when I in their eyes "suddenly" burst.

Both my grandparents were either dead or practically dead when I think I was 9 or 10. They were both alcoholics and smoked and apparently only really shaped up just before I was born. I don't know my paternal grandparents but they were dead too and not in this country anyway. So no, I've had no other positive parent figure - though I have had positive figures in school but not parent-like. I remember I felt guilty when they (in school) cared about me as I was f*cking up. I would feel, what makes me so worth keeping around that anyone should care about me? I'm a f*ckup anyway.

In retrospect I can see how a complete lack of any guidance other than wilful ignorance, angry outbursts because my life wasn't working out like it should've and abuse could have affected me negatively. I used to only wish that my mom's husband suffer, but now I wish they will both suffer. I want to watch them in anguish, and then I want to laugh at them and condemn them when their stupid brains can't comprehend why I would feel this way. But that's only in my fantasy...

Steve Jobs was an orphan, a rebel, a nonconformist. Notwithstanding, he was an optimist, inter alia, as he grabbed life by the balls and wrestled it down in accordance with his vision.

Never use a sh*tty upbringing as your excuse to resent anyone, including your parents. When you resent, you have already failed, as you are perpetuating their fruitless thinking. Keep strong and loyal to your vision, and utilize your upbringing as a conducive lesson from which not to repeat and to proliferate.

That's the beauty of free will, isn't it? You are free to enfranchise from your deleterious conditioning as the ONLY director of your play.

guru1000 said:

Never use a sh*tty upbringing as your excuse to resent anyone, including your parents. When you resent, you have already failed, as you are perpetuating their fruitless thinking. Keep strong and loyal to your vision, and utilize your upbringing as a conducive lesson from which not to repeat and to proliferate.

That's the beauty of free will, isn't it? You are free to enfranchise from your deleterious conditioning as the ONLY director of your play.

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I agree with the thinking, the problem is when you feel this way. I haven't discovered a way to dispose of the feelings yet. I also hate the idea of pretending like I can stand them and don't think they're messed up, it's just standing up for yourself.

I'd need to see your definition of free will to know whether I can agree about its existence, but that's what I'd like to think too. I won't let my past defeat me.

AttackFormation said:

I won't let my past defeat me.

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Here’s a start. THEY cannot take your life away from you; only YOU can. Begin with this rudimentary concept: You are solely responsible for your thinking, actions, and ensuing destiny—not THEM. Ergo, free will is now defined.

Also, eliminate the following inferred proposition from your thinking habits: THEIR intention is not to take YOUR life. THEY are simply DAMAGED and also blaming you and others for their unpropitious conditions.

guru1000 said:

Here’s is a start. THEY cannot take your like away from you; only YOU can. Begin with this rudimentary concept: You are solely responsible for your thinking, actions, and ensuing destiny—not THEM. Ergo, free will is now defined.

Also, eliminate the following inferred proposition from your thinking habits: THEIR intention is not to take YOUR life. THEY are simply DAMAGED and also blaming you and others for their unpropitious conditions.

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Thanks... the bolded sentence was something that took to me, because that's a way I can prove I'm better than them. Just fixing my life will make me win, without the anger that only harms me because the anger will be obsolete if I win anyway. It's a start indeed...

Thank you

Heh.. the guilt hasn't gone away. I still feel it whenever someone like you helps me with this. Why lay down your valuable time for me?

AttackFormation said:

I still feel it whenever someone like you helps me with this. Why lay down your valuable time for me?

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Diametrically, I feel better when I give than when I take.

We're all "victims" of our parents, dude. However, not all of us are "victims" anymore, we have learned to exercise control over what we can. The past has passed, and the only way you can control it is by "blurring" it when you write your autobiography. Otherwise, all you can control is YOUR future.

Friends, lovers, jobs, money, health... it all comes and goes: the only constant in your future is YOU. You are free to manipulate your present choices and affect what's going to happen next.

I had sh¡tty parents, too. Well, that's not so, since I've forgiven them for their mistakes. I saw them as fallible humans who "made it up as they went". They didn't need to apologize, it was my anger, and I'm sure they did the best they knew how. Once I saw their mistakes, and was the one affected, it was indeed an emotional tug-of-war. But look at it this way: you are learning from their mistakes.

My models were warped during my younger years, and as such I emulated warped models that continued to affect me long after I exercised my freedom and left the nest. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to troubleshoot the problems with my life until my latest twenties. Oh... boy... did... the... discovery... sting...

Knowing that I was trying to be a crazy person? Uhhgghh... crushing.

After "discovery", I had to grieve: I was hurt. I had to acknowledge all the perceived trespasses and put those skeletons in their graves, not the closet. Then, move on with new insight. I could keep my toxic parents at arm's length and still have positive interaction in the future. I "survived" my youth.

Heal your wounds deliberately, lose the baggage, and don't carry that negativity into your future. "Forgive and Forget" is powerful medicine. Don't lord your parents' mistakes over them forever, that's just malice. It's adversarial, not cooperative.

Get well, soon!
:flowers:

Dear Attack,
Why so introspective?....Narcissm is no substitute for getting on with life...It's a Game of Poker you just pick up the Cards and play them the best way you know how!