Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

How I totally erased my fear of the dance floor in one night (powerful stuff)

ChrisFl

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Guys, the most amazing thing happened last night. I totally shattered my lifelong fear of dancing in a club and created a new positive self-image, all in a few hours.

You need some background info to appreciate this. I see some clubs now have 80s nights. Last time I danced in a club environment, every night was 80s night, because it was the 1980s. That’s no joke, either- I remember things I’ve done by where I lived or worked at the time, & I’ve been searching my memory lately to figure out how long ago it was. Yep, the last time I did this, Ronald Reagan was in the White House, & Michael Jackson was black. That’s a loooong break. After reading some of the stuff on this site about what you can get away with on the dance floor these days, I had been thinking I need to find a way to get my butt out there.

I used to be one of those guys who stood around in clubs watching others dancing & having a good time, never approached or flirted with anyone, & then came to the conclusion that clubs were a waste of time. Even when I did get out on the dance floor, it was a pretty rare event, so after such a long period of time, I wanted my return to the scene to be a positive one. I feared that otherwise, I’d either revert back to my old ways or try the DJ tactic of going for a bunch of rejections & get my ego crushed to the point where I’d get scared away for another dozen years.

I’ve read the stuff on here & elsewhere on swing dancing, & I’d heard from people I used to know who liked it. I thought that would be a good route for me since the structure of it might make me a little less nervous than I’d be with the freeform shake-your-booty type club dancing. Not to mention the bit about the female needing a male partner, the man being the leader, & the fact that I really like a lot of the music. I thought if I could get myself comfortable on the dance floor that way, not just doing the moves but also asking women to dance, that confidence would transfer to other naughtier forms of dancing.
Just like banging a few ugly girls will develop your sexual confidence for when you start upgrading to the 9s & 10s. (I think it was Will Rogers who once said: Pusssy is *****.
)

The plan worked better than I had imagined: I did it all in one night!

Here’s how:

1. I prepared a plan & followed it.
Rather than just show up at a club on the weekend, I found a place in a little town that has a swing night on Wednesday. For $5 you get a one-hour group lesson, followed by four hours of open dancing. I figured mid-week there’d be less pressure. I also knew the demographics of the town & thought there was a good chance I might be the only person under 50, so the women would be dancing partners only, not chicks to pursue. I also thought that for a woman that age, the chance to dance with a fairly young guy who works out would be a treat, & her enthusiasm would be positive reinforcement for me. Plus a woman that age has probably had a lot of experience dancing, & I could learn from her.

Originally I wasn’t going to write about this until next week. You see, I decided to try this when I saw an ad for an event that takes place this Friday. It’s a similar deal to what I described, but there’ll be a live band, & it takes place in the trendy nightclub area (Ybor City for those of you who know Tampa). I figured there’s bound to be some fine young things there, considering the night of week & the area.

So here was my original idea: to prepare for Friday’s "beginner" session by taking a similar lesson in another town two nights before. My hope is that some other guys will show up, trip over themselves, & now that I have some confidence, I’ll look that much better by comparison!
Let someone else be the wallflower for a change. I think this is a very DJ style plan, don’t you think? I ran this idea by some friends, & they agreed that it’s Deviously Clever. I’m still going Friday, but last night went so well that I didn’t wanna wait to tell you about it.

But that’s not all! On New Year’s Eve I went to a house party in another city where I knew nobody. Just saw it mentioned on the web, called the host, & said I was coming. It was four hours of mingling with total strangers. I did pretty well, so well that when I woke up the next day, I decided to drop the old "shy" label I’ve put on myself for so long, since it really doesn’t seem to apply any more. Funny thing is, once I did that, I think of an idea that might seem rather outgoing or ballsy, tell myself hey I’m not shy any more, & I’m able to go out & do it.

I did even more prep: I bought a book on social dancing (swing, ballroom, salsa, etc) & a couple of how-to-dance videos, one on swing & one more general. I spent less than $40 on all that, & I look at as an investment. I asked myself, how many times in my life have I dropped more than that in an evening entertaining some ungrateful bytch who wasn’t evenworthy of me buying her a Big Mac?
Why not invest some cash on myself for a change?

I even listened to some retro swing CDs during the week to get myself "in the mood". Get it? In the mood? Glenn Miller?
(Ask your grandparents to explain that one.)




[This message has been edited by ChrisFl (edited 01-04-2001).]
 

ChrisFl

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Part 2- (I guess my post is too long to put up at once)

2. I treated the session like a seminar or class, not a pickup scene.
This might sound rather anti-DJ, but I decided the first night was strictly a time for learning some steps, getting comfortable with being on the dance floor, & conquering the fear of asking women to dance, & not a pickup scene. The goal was to change my attitude & learn a new task, not to get phone numbers or flirt or the like.

I see this as a lot like going to the gym for the first time (or returning after being away for years): I wouldn’t head directly to the free weights & start throwing heavy iron around. I’d get familiar with the layout of the place, the etiquette & club rules, & so on, & do a fairly light workout the first few times to ease into it.

I realized that I’m not nervous when I take a class, because everyone is supposedly there to learn, not to immediately set up a one-night stand. So by viewing the dance class like I would approach a class in martial arts or tennis or aerobics, I put the whole dating/flirting/pickup scene out of my mind for the evening. Just looked at it as learning another physical task. So what if it involved some physical contact with the opposite sex? No real reason to be nervous or embarrassed; it’s not like we were making a porn flick.


3. I groomed & dressed like it was a date.

So once I got that attitude straight in my mind, I still dressed & groomed myself like I was going out on a hot date. I shaved, put on some nice cologne, a little hair gel, cleaned the fingernails, used some mouthwash, brushed, flossed, etc. I knew I wasn’t gonna be making out with anyone, but I didn’t want anything I could control to be a turnoff to anyone. And really, shouldn’t we groom ourselves like that every time we leave the house? I put on all new clothes, not what I had on at work all day. I was going for classy yet not too formal- nice button-down longsleeve designer shirt with some black & browns in the pattern (something that would work for going out or for business casual dress), a clingy pullover type shirt under that (since it was cold out), black khakis (which looked like dress pants since they’re brand new), & top quality shiny black leather dress shoes with leather soles. I looked real good, but yet not like I was trying to impress anyone. I was better groomed & dressed than I’ve been on most of my real dates, & was better dressed than 80% of the guys there (yet not so formal that I looked out of place). Some of them had jeans or sneakers or boat shoes on. That’s fine, but I wanted to look a little classier than that- it kind of goes with the whole swing/ballroom scene. I’m guessing none of the guys in sneakers got comments (as I did) like "Where’d you buy those shoes? I’ve been looking for good dancing shoes & those are perfect."

Now some of you are scratching your heads & wondering, why dress up like that if it was just a class? Hey, do I have to spell it out? One, I should look that good all the time, not just in pickup scenarios, & I need to get used to seeing myself that way. Two, I wanted to look nice for the ladies. Didn’t want anyone turned off by beard stubble or stale breath or messy hair or the like. Three, every time I went to the restroom, I saw myself in the mirror & thought, "Damn, I look good tonight. Every woman should want to dance with me." Any time I felt uneasy about what I was doing, I’d just slip in there & remind myself how I was dressed. Then I’d think about the guys in jeans & sneakers & ask myself if they should be getting more dance action than me. I’m not saying I looked like a GQ cover model, just better than the mental picture I have of myself. Call it an affirmation or positive reinforcement or whatever, but it really worked.

The Results
I did much better than I had hoped! During the class we kept switching partners, so I quickly got comfortable with dancing with different women. By the end of that hour, I felt completely at ease on the dance floor, for the first time in my life, just as comfortable as I am at the gym or hanging out at a friend’s house, or sharing my life-changing experience with you guys. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be the new Fred Astaire. My moves need work, but that was my first time. A real breakthrough was that I was able to separate my self confidence from my skill level at what I was doing. I think the key was getting the attitude that I have as much business being on the dance floor as anyone else. I paid my money, I did my prep work, I looked & acted like a gentleman, so why shouldn’t I be out there? I can’t really express how powerful a breakthrough this was for me. I danced with more women in one night that I probably had in my entire life up to that point! I stopped counting at 25, & I wasn’t even there three hours. How many nights would I have to spend in a typical club to accomplish that?

I thought the class would be the easy part & that it would get uncomfortable after that. I was wrong. The class went fine, & I found out it really is better exercise than it looks like. After a constant hour of that, I sat down a while & had some bottled water. I wasn’t really tired, but just wanted to watch the crowd a bit, not out of jealousy but to observe the moves. It took less courage than I thought to get women to dance with me. I started by going for anyone who was sitting alone. Most of them were over 50, & you should see their eyes light up when I approach them. It was like I was handing out $50 bills! For some of them it probably made their day. At least one told me she shows up there just to dance with the young guys. It’s amazing what a confidence booster this was even though I had no interest whatsoever in these women. There’s just something about getting that reaction several times in an hour.

After the class ended, I probably spent half the time dancing & half observing the crowd. A really cool thing happened- during the class it was mostly folks over 50 with a few in the 30-50 range & a couple under 30, but an hour or so later, a bunch of 20-somethings started showing up. So many that at its peak, the crowd was almost half in their 20s & half over 50 with just a handful of us in between. That was a really good sign, not because I could start seeing some young chicks, but just so I wouldn’t feel like I was at a retirement home. And these younger people weren’t a bunch of nerds, either. Many of the guys were in good shape & well dressed & looked like the kind of guy you’d want to hang out with at other kinds of clubs. And I found out many of these are regulars, so I’m gonna become one myself.

It was very clear watching the crowd that the guys who really had the moves got the most dances. The good ones didn’t have to leave the floor to switch partners- they’d escort the woman to the edge of the dance floor, & another one would just about tackle the guy to dance with him next. Or the guy would just walk & extend his hand toward a new one, or point to one, & she’d run past the others to get to him. Very primal, yet still polite & civil. I like that. I’m gonna become one of the good ones.
DUH! And if I start going there regularly I can get to know some of those guys, who might come in handy as wingmen for the naughtier dance clubs.

Some other cool things: this place is 15 min from my place. It’s right on the waterfront in a resurrected old small downtown area, with little shops & restaurants & a pier. Looks like a real cool place to be when the weather’s nicer & the daylight’s longer. You could watch the sunset over the water from the dance floor since it’s all windows on both sides. It’s an old ballroom built in the 1920s- biggest dance floor I’ve ever seen, bigger than a basketball court. And it’s non-smoking so my clothes didn’t pick up that stink. There’s a bar, but all ages are admitted, & nobody’s drunk or obnoxious. No bouncer or security, because people behave. Just the doorman collecting admission, the bartender, & the instructors/hosts. Oh, and they charged me a whole buck for bottled water. I think mixed drinks were like $3. What more can I ask for?

Oh, after dancing with mostly older ladies, I told myself I wasn’t leaving until I’d danced with someone younger than me, so I approached one who looked about 20, & her eyes lit up, too, almost like the older ones. Oh my, just wait til I get the moves down & am in better shape!

Best thing about the experience- I totally changed my image of myself in this area. Instead of that nervous guy lacking the balls to get out there, I see this confident, well-dressed, well-groomed, getting-in-shape gentleman making women’s eyes light up just by asking them to dance, showing them a good time, moving around the dance floor like he belongs there, not worried about what others think except his partner, while being courteous of other people, & not embarrassed at his beginner level of skill.

Guys, your mind can be an amazingly powerful tool! Remember, I did all that in under three hours. Doesn’t that sound like a good night’s work?
 

SAV40

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Chris, That was exceLlent! You are on your way!
 

Krynnster

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Great post Chris! Truly inspirational!

I had a similar "epiphany" on the 4th of July... back in my merry San Diego days...(picture fades... flashback scene ensues...)

I was invited by a lady friend of mine to her friend's 4th of July barbecue party. I showed up way over-dressed for the occasion (I actually had shoes on). As I was sitting on the lawn, making small talk and trying to socialize, this INCREDIBLE looking filipino girl (a solid 10.5) materialized out of thin air (actually, she came out of the house), sat next to me and said: "You are Laura's friend, right? I heard you talking and you have an amazing accent!" (I am not an American and I do have a slight accent). Of course, we started talking and it turned out it was her house... Then, my friend put some Salsa music and started dancing so this 10.5 asked me: "do you dance?" and I said: "nope. but I'll be more than happy to learn" so I got a private Salsa lesson from her that lasted almost 2 hours! During this lesson, even though I was in very close proximity to this AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS creature, I focused entirely on learning to dance and not on anything else. By the end of the party, I was totally comfortable with dancing the Salsa (which was something I've never done before) and also got a little bonus in the form of a seven-digit number.

This story has a bitter-sweet ending: I didn't do anything with the phone number because two days later I moved to New York (argh! I can't even remember that girl's name anymore), but I can still do the Salsa until this very day
.

K.



------------------
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly" - The Dalai Lama.
 

ChrisFl

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Thanks, guys. I'm glad somebody read that! I'm listening to Brian Setzer right now, & I just shined & buffed my dancin' shoes.
Got the threads set out for tonight, map to the place printed out, & all that other "excessive" prep work out of the way & decided this morning to skip the shave since I'll be doing it tonight anyway.

Felt confident enough last night that instead of watching the video & looking at the dance book like I thought I might need to, I hit the gym instead. For one thing, there are several variations of this stuff, & I don't know what they'll throw at us tonight. Actually once the class ends I'll just be winging it anyway. The funny thing is that even though the dance is structured & has certain moves, if you get the right mindset, all you gotta do is grab a chick & move however the fukk you want, since you're in charge, baby! Just smile & keep moving & you can actually make a misstep look like a creative twist.
And as long as you don't step on her feet or pull her arm out of the socket, she'll act like you're doing her a favor by picking her out of the lineup.

I gotta get the average age of my partner way down & work on that "Get your butt over here" look tonight.


Hey, check out some of the etiquette for this, right out of my book:
The man asks the woman to dance. The woman graciously accepts. (If the woman truly does not want to ... she should not dance with another partner until that particular dance is over.
and this:
Women should not huddle in groups, which makes it harder for the men to ask them to dance.
Hey, can we get that rule passed in all clubs?
And for you guys that still need a kick in the butt:
It is good manners for the man to ask a woman to dance rather than stand on the sidelines watching
.
And no, this book isn't from the 1930s, but 1992! Seriously, if I can't succeed in that environment, I should seriously consider the priesthood, & I'm not even Catholic.


Hey, Krynnster, do you find your accent to be an angle with the ladies? Where are you from? For some reason people seem to be attracted more to people from somewhere else, not just in the USA but all over. I hear stories about a blond American guy going to Japan & been seen as a semi-god, for example.

[This message has been edited by ChrisFl (edited 01-05-2001).]
 

Krynnster

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Originally posted by ChrisFl:
do you find your accent to be an angle with the ladies?
Yes... but it took me some time to figure it out. You see, when I just moved to the US a couple of years ago (from Israel), I made a tremendous effort to conceal my accent and adpot a normal (if a little fake/weird) American one.

Two years and a few relationships later, I can tell you that being a foreigner in this country does have its share of perks (among a slew of frustrations, by the way). I stopped trying so hard to blend in and instead I'm using the fact that I'm "different" to my advantage. Specifically, every single girl I dated in this country (as well as others that I didn't date) mentioned that she liked the way I talked and my slightly weird accent. It made a lot of sense to me when the girls were Jewish (because of the obvious connection to Israel) but the other ones just liked it because it was different and "cute" (the reason they keep using that word is still a mystery to me).

Shalom y'all...

K.

------------------
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly" - The Dalai Lama.
 

ChrisFl

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The Israeli accent is probably hard for Americans to place (figure out where you're from), unlike say a British or Italian or French accent, so that would add a little more to the "exotic" factor, I would think. I'm not sure myself what one sounds like- I must have heard one at some point, but don't remember when.

Don't forget, Arnold has been in the USA for 25 or 30 years & still has his Austrian accent. He's a bright guy, & I'm sure he could have hired a coach & completely lost the accent by now, but he's kept it since it's his trademark. I remember when people said he'd never make it as an actor with that accent.
 

dorian_gray-from.usa

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Originally posted by ChrisFl:
Thanks, guys. I'm glad somebody read that! I'm listening to Brian Setzer right now,

TURNING FROM ONE STRAY CAT
TO THE TOM CAT


& I just shined & buffed my dancin' shoes.




Got the threads ON...


GOOD,...

News Flash!

Women like men who can dance. If that's not news to you now, take heed. Dancing transcends all social strata. It requires no economic success, clever conversation, nor cool artifacts; it only requires learning how. Anyone can do it, and women love it. Women feel that it truly is the best thing that can be done standing up because it Involves patience, timing, gentleness, a firm hand, and it is all done in an intimate proximity. So guys, if you want to have many, many women to choose from, learn to dance.


Anonymous


FROM THE TIPS SECTION ON SOSUAVE.COM
****

ITS GOOD YOU ARE DANCING AND LEARNING HOW TO,
THE NUMBER IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS IS 3:2
OF WOMEN TO MEN
INVOLVED IN BALLROOM DANCE. MOSTLY
MARRIED COUPLES IN THE 30-40'S, LOTS OF WOMEN
THAT ARE 50-60+ THAT ARE OR WERE TOTAL 10+
THIRTY YEARS AGO. COOL PEOPLE.

IT SAYS ALOT -- TO THE WOMEN - THAT YOU ARE
THERE AT ALL -STEPPING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF,
THEY ARE CHECKING YOU OUT!
THIS IS WHATS IS GOING ON - TRUST ME


ALSO, THIS HELPS ME AT LEAST -
MEET NEW GROUPS OF SOCIALITES, AND
SEE THAT THERE ARE WOMEN WHO LIKE TO
LIVE THEMSELVES - NOT PRETEND LIVE THRU
MATERIALS OR CALIFORNICATION, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!



HOWEVER TO GET GOOD - THIS I LEARNED FROM MY
MOM TEACHING BELLY DANCE FOR 19 YRS.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

THIS SEEMS TO BE BIG DEAL TO KNOW THE PATTERNS AND REALLY HEAR THE MUSIC BEATS.

DJ_GRAY IN OKLAHOMA



[This message has been edited by ChrisFl (edited 01-05-2001).]
 

terminator911

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ChrisFL
Congratulations, my friend, great accomplishment. Keep at it.

dorian_gray-from.usa
Are you in Oklahoma? I am.

------------------
"Women. They've got half the money in the world and all the pu$$y."
 

BigBadJon

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Originally posted by ChrisFl:
The funny thing is that even though the dance is structured & has certain moves, if you get the right mindset, all you gotta do is grab a chick & move however the fukk you want, since you're in charge, baby!
That's how it is in most clubs Chris. By FAR the most effective method for obtaining a dance partner is to TAKE a dance partner.

I have yet to work up the balls to try it, but when my buddy is having an overly confident night, he makes eye contact and motions them to him. Never seen it fail.

I really have to work on my dance floor approach. I have a bad habit of trying to approach from behind, bumping her ass with mine so she knows I'm there and then working my way in. It usually yields a dance partner, if you don't mind ONLY grinding on her ass for awhile. I need to move in from the front and get eye contact. I don't get enough rapport working from behind. I guess this is my New Years resolution.

Congrats on getting out there and making things happen.
 

Peak

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Originally posted by BigBadJon:
That's how it is in most clubs Chris. By FAR the most effective method for obtaining a dance partner is to TAKE a dance partner.
On NYE I saw a chick I liked that was dancing with a group of friends and one guy. I just turned around saw the chick walked straight up to her and grabbed her around the waist. She started grinding with me and smiling and then the guy from the same circle taps me on the shoulder. The guy was her boyfriend and he was a big MF! I just said to him "I didn't know she was your GF cause she was ignoring you!" then I said Happy NY and shook his hand. Well that guy said it was okay, but he was mightly pissed with his woman.

Like you said BBJ, take charge and the women follow.
 

ChrisFl

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Thanks again guys. I just posted the sequel; it's even better.

BBJ, I saw a Bods store like you mentioned in Ybor. I'll have to check it out. Would you believe they weren't open at 2:30 am?
 

BigBadJon

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Originally posted by ChrisFl:
Thanks again guys. I just posted the sequel; it's even better.

BBJ, I saw a Bods store like you mentioned in Ybor. I'll have to check it out. Would you believe they weren't open at 2:30 am?
Ybor is on my list of places to visit, but I think I may do south beach first. Been to Ybor once, it was a weekday, I need to get over on a Sat.

If you're a big SOB like you make yourself out to be, the Bods clothes may not fit you. Even the XL doesn't fit me cause my shoulders stretch the fabric between my arm and lats. Nice clothes for people into their physique. It's worth a try.



[This message has been edited by BigBadJon (edited 01-06-2001).]
 

Don_Juanabe

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Chris,

Way to go! Here is the thing about dancing -- it isn't about how you feel about how you look, to a woman it's about how you are DRESSED and how well you dance. Dancing shows you are multifaceted and share common interests with a woman and are sexual without being confrontational. Dancing allows a woman's imagination to get a hold of her -- with YOU the star attraction. I have done swing for a while, but I seem to have an easier time with salsa footwork than swing foorwork (salsa is more front to back, swing more side to side). Plus, I have a couple Latino (Peru and Nicaragua) hottie friends that LOVE salsa, so I'll start going with them to salsa clubs. Not to mention salsa is far more sexual than swing, and you're SUPPOSED to be that way...
Your attitude is dead-on. Your focus should be on learning to dance, then on dancing like a star -- unlike coming up with a line to pick up a girl, your moves do all the work. If you approach her solely with the idea of dancing, and the two of you dance well together and have fun, you've done everything you need to make her want you (you got kino, you took control, you were sexual, and most importantly SHE HAD FUN WITH YOU). Once this happens let her know you're interested, but don't come on too strongly until you've seen her a few times at the dances (regulars are very common). THEN, after she has been thinking of you and your moves for a few weeks, you take a step toward getting together off the dance floor... and eventually toward bone-dancing...

DJBe
 

Fleshwreck

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Chris, Congrats man, i think i finally broke my fear last night also.

i was with a couple of pretty fine girls that was friends with my brother last night. and i never really thought i had a chance with any of em cause they are so fine. but last night kinda change my dance scene.

im always the guy standing around drinking and watching everyone dance, and the main girl i thought i had no chance with kept giving me the come here motion, and so finally after a few more beers, i finally got out there and started dancing, and a few minutes later, all the girls, ( 4 ) that we were with wanted to dance with me.

its amazing what a little confidence will do. about 15 minutes later, i had all kind of girls comming up to me and wanting to dance.but anyway, the girl i thought i had no chance with just left my house a little while ago.

just thought i would share this with you guys, dont be afraid to dance, they love it for some reason. and if i can do it, god knows all you guys can to.
 

ChrisFl

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Don_Juanabe, salsa is on my to-do list, but give me another week to master swing.
I'm sure the skills & attitude will transfer, & it will be a matter of new footwork & the like, although I kinda make it up as I go along which works if it's fast enough.

You read my mind on the plan of attack. Get the moves down, become a regular, make friends with the other guys, get known as a good dancer that can give her a good ride
, & hit her over time. Even I could figure that out! Sure beats that "tonight's the only chance to get her" problem, doesn't it?

There's a lot of Latin influence around here, & the actual building where I was swinging last night was called El Centro Asturiano. That's not a Spanish translation but the actual name. The restrooms say Caballeros on the door, not Men. So I'm sure there's a place to do the salsa around here.


Fleshwreck, congrats. It's amazing what attitude can do, eh? Sounds like you spent a little less time psyching yourself than I did.
 

Fleshwreck

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i had a few beers also Chris.lol, so i had some confidence in a can i guess.
 
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