chemistry is overrated

This past weekend I went on a date with an ex. Well technically it wasn't a date originally. She wanted to meet up and talk about custody issues with her child's father (we both have kids the same age and I recently won sole custody of my daughter). I must say, even after all this time we had not seen each other, the physical and emotional attraction hung in the air, impossible to ignore even by a third party, it was completely obvious we are crazy about each other. We talked about what to expect at these hearing and my subjective advice on what her chances are of getting exactly what she wants etc. As the night progressed there was just this deep, almost archaic connection we have always shared from our very first date. It resonated even to compete strangers. It is undeniable regardless of how your much your ego tries to convince you otherwise.

But how much does that all really matter? I'm a writer, So I assume my sensitivity to such things become magnified, maybe even exaggerated. I find it to be a beautiful thing, yet if chemistry actually mattered as much as I'd thought, I would not be single. I have great chemistry with most girls, I can sort of tune in to what they like, and I pretty much love everything about life so it's easy for me to empathize and mirror behaviors. Yet always over time, I get bored. But for one girl, I never got bored, never got tired of her ****, or disagreements were resolved more logically than emotionally, and for once in my dating life, I didn't have to "tune in" to her emotional psyche, it seemed as if we were always tuned in to each other.

For this woman, I did not get bored. I became scared. I became so freaked out by the fact that we were falling in love with each other. Why did I freak out? Why did I suddenly end things leaving her in a hazy maze of confusion? I did care about her. I was just so insecure about letting go of my fears, that I just dipped out and thought staying single and fvcking more girls was the safest way for me to go emotionally. But Pandora's box had already been opened. Even with the pvssy practically throwing itself at me, I still lay awake at night reliving those wisps of bliss memories of the moments I shared with her. The way she praised my individuality with the tact, the way her hair looked first thing in the morning, the way other couples looked at us with envy...The recollection always brought a smile to my face, yet that smile would dissipate, overshadowed by the reminder of a nit-witted ego struggling to protect it's useless existence.

Chemistry is highly over-rated.

Lol call it what you want. Put your rehashed, worn out generalizations all over my post. This is the biggest problem with this forum is people like you who view ALL WOMEN THE SAME. Sure, the vast majority are predictable in behavior and easy to manipulate. That's where I get bored. And then I met someone who challenged all of these ideals.

so basically you made a post about going into AFC onieitis mode over a girl with a baby daddy that you used to date and she dumped you lol

of course there's chemistry lol, she's desperate. that's like going to a strip club on a Wednesday night and wondering why the hot stripper is all over you

No She didn't dump me, I dumped her.

Because she told me she loved me and we had dated about 6 months. I was not even a year or if an 8 year relationship, so I remember when that LTR ended, I had all these expectations of the single life. Then I met this girl only a couple months after my LTR break up so I never got the chance to find out. I broke up with her, so I could live the single life. Had great success getting laid, but over time it lost the luster it had once possessed.

MidnightCity said:

my response picked YOU apart. never mentioned anything about the girl.

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I'm sorry, but didn't you wrote the term one-itis on multiple occasions? And is not the philosophy behind one-itis that no girl is really special, they're all the same?

Either way, you're entitled to your opinion, I should have anticipated these sorts of responses on this forum. All I'm saying is that there are certain women that you naturally feel completely comfortable with. They DO exist and they DON'T come by very often.

No idea where this post is going. You say chemistry is over rated, then tell us about the chemistry with this one girl you practically chewed your arm off to get away from to enjoy the single life, but yet u still pine away for her?

Prime_Beef said:

No idea where this post is going. You say chemistry is over rated, then tell us about the chemistry with this one girl you practically chewed your arm off to get away from to enjoy the single life, but yet u still pine away for her?

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Basically the chemistry is only a factor in attraction during the present. When you are thinking about the future or the past, the chemistry you have shared rarely reveals itself as a major factor in your decisions.

Yes I am head over heels. I can openly admit that. Idk what I was trying to convey in this post specifically, I kind of just wanted to hear others' thoughts on how much of an impact chemistry actually makes when you are looking for a committed relationship.

^ What Prime Beef said.

What are you trying to say Bassic? You miss the chemistry with your ex? You've grown disillusioned by the single life? In hindsight you think you had something great? Maybe you did. And maybe it was just chemical fluff. I suspect you are just pining over exciting (and addicting) feelings.
Chemistry has only been shown to reliably sustain a relationship for less than 4 years, and that is in the best case scenario. It is necessary to some extent for a healthy LTR but like any emotion that intense it has a shelf life. You need genuine compatibility with a non-damaged and minimally used woman to have something lasting.

Bassic I think I understand where you're coming from because, if I truly understand your point, I've been there myself.

After your LTR ended you wanted the fantasy life that men in relationships dream of. Partying, going out, meeting and slaying women etc. In the midst of that you met a solid girl, someone that you had a true, deep connection with and you freaked out.

You didn't want to give up the single life before you had your fill so you ended things with her. Now you think you may have made the wrong decision because such a connection is rare.

If I read that correctly I've been there. I think it may be the "grass is always greener" scenario. I remember being a younger man in a LTR, a marriage, and having this encroaching fear that I was missing out on a fun, carefree period of life. This thought implanted itself in my brain and it grew and grew until I was no longer able to ignore it. I subconsciously caused many problems in my life and marriage in an attempt to sabotage everything and walk away without being honest (being a coward).

Now I sit back, 1.5 years after we broke up and often I ask myself if I made the right decision. The answer that I've come up with? I'll never know. And what constitutes the "right" decision? Another old addage, we live and we learn. That's what I'm doing, letting go of the past, letting go of judgements, of "final" answers and simply living my life.

This is place is great to get opinions but at the end of the day only you know what's best, only you reside in your mind. I hope you find peace with all of this.

apprenticedj said:

Bassic I think I understand where you're coming from because, if I truly understand your point, I've been there myself.

After your LTR ended you wanted the fantasy life that men in relationships dream of. Partying, going out, meeting and slaying women etc. In the midst of that you met a solid girl, someone that you had a true, deep connection with and you freaked out.

You didn't want to give up the single life before you had your fill so you ended things with her. Now you think you may have made the wrong decision because such a connection is rare.

If I read that correctly I've been there. I think it may be the "grass is always greener" scenario. I remember being a younger man in a LTR, a marriage, and having this encroaching fear that I was missing out on a fun, carefree period of life. This thought implanted itself in my brain and it grew and grew until I was no longer able to ignore it. I subconsciously caused many problems in my life and marriage in an attempt to sabotage everything and walk away without being honest (being a coward).

Now I sit back, 1.5 years after we broke up and often I ask myself if I made the right decision. The answer that I've come up with? I'll never know. And what constitutes the "right" decision? Another old addage, we live and we learn. That's what I'm doing, letting go of the past, letting go of judgements, of "final" answers and simply living my life.

This is place is great to get opinions but at the end of the day only you know what's best, only you reside in your mind. I hope you find peace with all of this.

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This is a great analysis of my situation. I do miss the connection and I do believe I made a mistake. However, if I didn't break it off, I'm almost positive the fear of missing out on the single life would have consumed me. This past "date" went well I think. She was actually very understanding of how I felt at the time if the break up, and just chalked it down as horrible circumstance/timing. I'm now thinking about giving it another go.

I do thank you for the reminder of not living in the past or future.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bassic again.

You'll never know unless you give it a go. Best of luck my friend!

Dear Bassic,
Interesting this seemingly irresistable attraction we have for certain others....The whole thrust of your article just emphasises the remarkable power this often irrational force has!

Yeah, the first one I slept with {a day after the divorce was signed} was "special" too....or so I thought. I should have sent her a thank you note after she broke up with me.... Because that's one of the things I'm most thankful for in life. SHE was your rebound woman.... go back to her if you must. BUT, she isn't as special as you remember. Your gut told you to leave, because your brain didn't see the signs.... but they are there....

Yea regret is never helpful. I like to think it all happens for some reason. You wanted to see the single life first hand and you did. Mission accomplished. Now you know more of what your looking for in a women which is pure power in my opinion. Because most men don't know what the **** they want. All they know they want a vagina to pound on. However some of these men are right. It does you no good to think about the girl that got away. It's much healthier to think about the qualities she had and having these as your expectations as you move into the land of women from now on.

Be a challenge for a women to capture your heart. Be a man who knows what he wants and isn't going to settle for anything but that. Spinning plates is a thing that is good regardless because it keeps that wonder in a women's mind that is great for keeping attraction up and like when when she first met you. At least for her. But to know what you want makes it a challenge for her to get you committed to her. This shouldn't be an easy task for her.

It should be a continuous game of catch and let her go sort of thing where she isn't sure if she has you or not. That's where the experience your getting helps. Where most guys **** up is they think oh I found a women and now everything is ok. I don't need to spin plates anymore. Well maybe they don't need to date another women they sure as hell can't stop meeting new ones and considering there is another out there who fits his criteria better than the one who he is involved with now.

When she "has" you is when she thinks that she can do what she wants with you. And that's where many problems arise. If not problems for you they are very much problems for her and ignites her hypergamy to at least a level where she has to consider other men who makes her vagina tingle again.

This is women on a biological level op. Yes women have different personalities and make you feel different, but they are all looking for a man who has many options. And a man who has many options that finally chooses her because he knows for sure she is worth his time and energy then nothing quite makes her feel good and motivated to keep you happy and invested in her.

Where's PlayHerMan when you need him?!

Evan said:

Yea regret is never helpful. I like to think it all happens for some reason. You wanted to see the single life first hand and you did. Mission accomplished. Now you know more of what your looking for in a women which is pure power in my opinion. Because most men don't know what the **** they want. All they know they want a vagina to pound on. However some of these men are right. It does you no good to think about the girl that got away. It's much healthier to think about the qualities she had and having these as your expectations as you move into the land of women from now on.

Be a challenge for a women to capture your heart. Be a man who knows what he wants and isn't going to settle for anything but that. Spinning plates is a thing that is good regardless because it keeps that wonder in a women's mind that is great for keeping attraction up and like when when she first met you. At least for her. But to know what you want makes it a challenge for her to get you committed to her. This shouldn't be an easy task for her.

It should be a continuous game of catch and let her go sort of thing where she isn't sure if she has you or not. That's where the experience your getting helps. Where most guys **** up is they think oh I found a women and now everything is ok. I don't need to spin plates anymore. Well maybe they don't need to date another women they sure as hell can't stop meeting new ones and considering there is another out there who fits his criteria better than the one who he is involved with now.

When she "has" you is when she thinks that she can do what she wants with you. And that's where many problems arise. If not problems for you they are very much problems for her and ignites her hypergamy to at least a level where she has to consider other men who makes her vagina tingle again.

This is women on a biological level op. Yes women have different personalities and make you feel different, but they are all looking for a man who has many options. And a man who has many options that finally chooses her because he knows for sure she is worth his time and energy then nothing quite makes her feel good and motivated to keep you happy and invested in her.

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So basically, you're telling me that if I do get back with her, keep a couple in my back pocket in order to sustain having options, which would ultimately get her intrest level so high that she's asks for exclusivity? That is something I will do.

She texted me last night, asking me to go on this helicopter thing where we would get to take control of the helicopter for a bit and fly around d.c. Now this is the type of stuff I'm talking about here. This is what made me bat **** crazy about her. The originality and the fact that she's always down for a spontaneous adventure. She's very attractive (8-9), and she shares some very...unique interests with me. This is going to make it difficult to keep my other plates spinning. I can't help but think about how much I'd rather be with her when I'm with these basic, cookie-cutter b!tches. Any pointers there?

Bassic said:

So basically, you're telling me that if I do get back with her, keep a couple in my back pocket in order to sustain having options, which would ultimately get her intrest level so high that she's asks for exclusivity? That is something I will do.

She texted me last night, asking me to go on this helicopter thing where we would get to take control of the helicopter for a bit and fly around d.c. Now this is the type of stuff I'm talking about here. This is what made me bat **** crazy about her. The originality and the fact that she's always down for a spontaneous adventure. She's very attractive (8-9), and she shares some very...unique interests with me. This is going to make it difficult to keep my other plates spinning. I can't help but think about how much I'd rather be with her when I'm with these basic, cookie-cutter b!tches. Any pointers there?

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Dude, there is nothing wrong with having an LTR with a girl so long as you

Spot red flags before going in and make a risk assessment

Make sure your inner game is sorted so you don't turn into a dumb$hit afc.

Don't jam her up on a pedestal.

Know where your head is at now and keep those eyes open.

But in the greater scheme of things live and have fun.



You can have plates on slow rotation (no sex) but keeping the option open.