Advice on getting happy again. BPD ex

First and foremost I would like to thank all the good dudes of SoSuave who have put out priceless information on here regarding the BPD madness that they've gone through. You guys are lifesavers. Literally.

I'm about 3.5 months out of my 2yr relationship with a girl who I believe to be BPD. I know ppl get mad on this forum because the term gets thrown around a lot without a proper diagnosis. But either way, she was a toxic person and displayed many BPD traits. From her father abandoning her to her mother being a neglectful and abusive junkie. To the push/pull, cheating emotionally (although not ruling out physically) to the fact that she needed non stop attention, would text me literally every 10 minutes all day ever day while at work, to her insane and delusional jealousy. She had all my texts forwarded to her email, and could track my location by gps on her phone. Her grandma (who ended up raising her) said she had "abandonment issues". She also displayed some real NPD traits, she was cold and distant and lied, A LOT, but I wasn't immune, I could see what she was doing, but every time I broke up with her she would threaten to kill herself and latch on to my leg like a small child begging and hitting me, saying "don't leave me". This happened about 20 times during our relationship. Cops were involved a couple times when she literally would not leave my house. But then like the idiot that I was, I would take her back a day later. During the final fight I went cold for about a week and she used that time to find her replacement. On the last day she came to my house while I had another girl over (an ex) to talk me out of getting back with her and for some long needed sex, when BPD girl showed up unexpectedly. Needless to say she painted me blacker than black. Three days later she was putting pictures all over social media of her new "perfect boyfriend".

Now that we've established that I'm an idiot and she's quite possibly Cluster B, I want to know from the people who have been through this what they've done in the recovery process. My self esteem has been hit VERY hard, and I'm experiencing depression and anxiety every day, and I've never been depressed before. I keep ruminating and going through cycles where I literally have to make a list of all the things that she did to me to keep from missing her. When we first broke up I was probably at 2% happiness, with 0% being suicidal. Now I've managed to get to maybe around 35% on an average day. But the process is slow and I thought I would be on by now. I've been going to the gym and staying away from alcohol. Spun a couple plates, nothing seems to work. Especially considering she's literally the hottest girl in my town.
I guess my question is what have you guys done to get over it, are there tricks? How long did it take you guys to be fully happy again. I feel like my brain was addicted to her and is going through withdrawal. Also I've been pretty successful at NC and I doubt she'll be contacting because of our last interaction and the fact that she has a new toy.

Pete - we a have few resident BPD survivors here. Bradd80, Mauser96, myself, Hockeyfreak79? Sorry if I wrong - but we've dealt with some crazy witches.

A few others come to mind but I can't remember their usernames. You can PM me with what issues you are having. I'm off from work today and going to the gym in a bit, but we can support you and describe in exact detail what you are going through and how to get out of it.

Expos, thank you. I will pm you when I get home. I'm working right now.

PairPlus, I've realized that is one of my biggest obstacles. The fact that I've put her on that pedestal for her looks. I'm just having trouble taking her down.

Pete, i fully empathize with what you are going through right now and I was and still am on a long road to recovery. Read my story here ..

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=222004

I was on a brink until i found this site and got loads of advice and resources which have helped me enormously. I can not claim to be a DJ or know about BPD sh!t but what I know is these types of women have been a thorn on men and society for the most part wrecking havoc on good people like you.

I was confident, happy, outgoing and in a good relationship until I met my ex who turned my life upside down which I am still trying to recover from. Its been around 3 good months with no contact (at least on my part) since the breakup. I am now dating two chicks with massive confidence from what I have leaned here.
These are some facts at least I know will help you understand

- She will at some point comeback and hover you back into her life
- She will never get better
- If you don't wipe her off your life, by that i mean delete, no contact, no sight etc you'll awaken those emotions back again which prolong your suffering
- Your brain is trying to intoxicate itself from the venom she has injected you with. Consider yourself as a drug addict and it takes time to remove those chemicals from your brain.
- Take your mind and attention to something else, somewhere else or someone else as in, date, gym, new hobby, whatever it takes
- delete or deactivate your social media for a lil while as you'll be tempted to stalk her (you are already doing this so stop)
- If you need it, seek professional help. no shame in that and these witches have the power to destroy your soul
- Stick around these forums. There are really good people who will steer you right and be supportive when you need it.

Good luck buddy and you are not alone...

Onion, thanks man I really needed to hear that. It's nice knowing people have been through this and survived. I just don't know how long it will take to feel better. I got an apt set up with a t to talk it out. I'm thinking I might have some codependency issues. Thinking worst case scenario I might need some ssri to get over this hump, my professional life is suffering and I'm in sales.

Consider yourself lucky you are healthy and able to train etc ... Focus on you career and people you love. Dedramatize the whole situation. Get fit like a maniac.

I went trough something similar and probably 1 day I will post my story on the forum. The only problem is that I was sick and going trough so much in my life at the time ( business probleme , friend problem etc ) .
She literally tried to emotionally kill me . Even now 1 year later I have lingering pelvic pain related to that break up ... This is how traumatizing they are.

All the girl have been with would call me ****y, confident and very alpha. I own a business since I am 16 and this girl made me cry in the street from lack of sleep and mind****.

Mine was a true cluster b more on the hpd/bpd side of things. They are like crack . She would shower me with so much love and idealization. Text me everyday all day every 5 min . If I would fight with her and leave she would hang on too my leg. I tried leaving 2 weeks before the end but she cried so much that I stayed.

Those *****es will **** with your mind until nothing is left of it .
Be glad you are out and you kept your dignity. She tried hoovering me after dropping me cold but I was weak and pathetic. God I regret that ( altough it probably saved me in the long run from more mind**** ) .

Now I am dating a girl younger and the sex is probably on par or better .
Took me a good year to come to that point but I still don't feel 100 % ok

Man be glad you are out !
Next the **** out of her and never look back .

One more thing . Don't loose your time and health thinking about that it will all seems so stupid in a couple of your when you are dating a sane and whole woman you will regret waisting so much time on a slut.

It will make you a lot more alpha in the end too .

While catching up with a good friend this weekend, a friend of his passed by, and a good hour or so later I found myself discussing my ex and how disastrously that ended. Now I don't know if this guy was trying to 'help me', I don't know if he was trying to show off, but a wide grin came over his face as he slowly sat back in his chair and asked me: "you want to know how to get her back? I can tell you exactly how to do it..." He didn't have to say anymore from there on. Only an AFC entertains stratagems and ploys to get their ex back, especially when they've been dumped.

If I were to choose one word that I think personifies the red pill, I'd go with "ruthlessness" - ruthlessness directly largely toward oneself (taking down many bitter truths, for example, ruthlessly burning away your former AFC self), but sometimes towards others, usually in the form of ruthlessly shutting toxic people out of your life for good. "How long does it take to get over my bpd ex?" - that question circulates this forum a lot. Perfectly normal. I wouldn't worry about that. That will take place ...eventually. Let it happen on its own. My ex wasn't BPD (that I know of), but she might as well have been because she sure as hell emotionally fvcked me like a (BPD) champ. That was nearly six months ago. I had every piece of No Contact covered with the exception of her social media - didn't reply to her breadcrumbs, never texted her myself, never called her, but I continued to periodically check out her Facebook and her Instagram. It wasn't until I put an end to that unhealthy little habit that I began to slowly regain mental clarity. STAY AWAY FROM HER SOCIAL MEDIA. Every time you check it out, you are inviting her back into your life. It seems like such a misdemeanor, so brief, so insignificant - it's not. BE DONE WITH HER and begin to direct your attention at the gift of self awareness she has blessed you with, but don't just marvel at it - use it...ruthlessly.

The only thing that worked for me with the BPD ex was complete and total No Contact. That came first because she always tried to reconnect with me, even when she was 3,4,5 months into a relationship with another guy. You have to cut her off completely. I found that after about 3 months of no contact I started to feel better and get my confidence back. These women are emotional vampires so you have to walk and never look back. PM me if you want. Good luck.

Thanks a lot guys, it's amazing how they have the ability to screw your head up soo bad. And I can't believe how similar all your stories are. I feel like men should have some kind of formal training on BPD before entering the dating world. I've dated and been broken up with and done the breaking up with a half dozed very attractive women in my life and never had any lingering thoughts or issues after a couple weeks. But this is crazy. It really is like psychological venom. I guess it's time to detoxify. I think my biggest issue is that I met her when I was 26, and now I'm a month away from my 29th and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting awfully close to 30. I'm still relatively good looking but not nearly like I was when I met her. I lost 30lb while with her. Stopped going to the gym and lost my popular dude reputation since she isolated me from my social life. Any of you guys in your early 30's have any words of encouragement? I guess I'm also having a 1/3 life crisis at the same time lol

petegunderson said:

Thanks a lot guys, it's amazing how they have the ability to screw your head up soo bad. And I can't believe how similar all your stories are. I feel like men should have some kind of formal training on BPD before entering the dating world. I've dated and been broken up with and done the breaking up with a half dozed very attractive women in my life and never had any lingering thoughts or issues after a couple weeks. But this is crazy. It really is like psychological venom. I guess it's time to detoxify. I think my biggest issue is that I met her when I was 26, and now I'm a month away from my 29th and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting awfully close to 30. I'm still relatively good looking but not nearly like I was when I met her. I lost 30lb while with her. Stopped going to the gym and lost my popular dude reputation since she isolated me from my social life. Any of you guys in your early 30's have any words of encouragement? I guess I'm also having a 1/3 life crisis at the same time lol

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Mate you are at your prime age!! Men get better from 35+ unlike women who go downhill from 28+. Stay strong.

petegunderson said:

Thanks a lot guys, it's amazing how they have the ability to screw your head up soo bad. And I can't believe how similar all your stories are. I feel like men should have some kind of formal training on BPD before entering the dating world. I've dated and been broken up with and done the breaking up with a half dozed very attractive women in my life and never had any lingering thoughts or issues after a couple weeks. But this is crazy. It really is like psychological venom. I guess it's time to detoxify. I think my biggest issue is that I met her when I was 26, and now I'm a month away from my 29th and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting awfully close to 30. I'm still relatively good looking but not nearly like I was when I met her. I lost 30lb while with her. Stopped going to the gym and lost my popular dude reputation since she isolated me from my social life. Any of you guys in your early 30's have any words of encouragement? I guess I'm also having a 1/3 life crisis at the same time lol

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Be glad that this happened to you now and not much later in life. Realize that she didn't isolate you from your social life - you did. Hold yourself accountable. Don't allow this to happen again, more so now that you are aware. Don't ever feel sorry for yourself or allow sentiments of regret and self-pity begin to pile up and become a part of you. Your identity is incredibly fluid. Take a bit of time to sit back and ponder what you want of life and who you want to be. Always be bettering yourself in some capacity. True, the red pill is firmly grounded in cynicism, but it doesn't revel in it (at least by my understanding of it). You see things for the way they really are, and you make the best of it (instead of some form of stupid blind optimism that trembles in the face of ugly truths). Learn to think highly of yourself (but back it up with deeds to reinforce the idea). Live an interesting life. Be interesting. Don't aim at being who you were before this girl wrecked you - become a thousand times better than whoever that guy was.

Dang Between_the_lines, that's pretty much what I'm starting to understand. It's actually a relief assuming some responsibility for what happened because it brings the power back to me. I realized if I had any self respect I would have not let her back into my life after ever time she disrespected me. Since this ordeal I've read a dozed books. Mostly on psychology. I've come to realize I've got some severe codependent tendencies from my upbringing and am excited to start working on that side of my self. I can see how something like this can change your life for the better if approached with the right attitude.

These women are blessing and a curse. A curse because of the pain they are able to inflict on you, and an absolute blessing because you are going to come out of this with a wealth of knowledge about yourself, the game, and women themselves. You would have never made these changes for the better if you wouldn't have had your azz mentally kicked by one of these witches.

The next time around, you'll be able to drop the next woman who treats you bad with complete ease. I know I was when encountered a few sketchy women post BPD fallout. The result is the very good relationship I have now, because I screened the sh!t out of a few women who turned out to be bad.

As for women with BPD - they don't think what they have done is wrong. She's in her honeymoon phase with her new victim and feeling empowered. She's the woman you fell in love with and that you wish you had right now.

This does not last. This is the beginning of the end.

In fact, with each new relationship they become better at manipulating their partners. So consider yourself lucky that you are not her new boy toy, because he absolutely has no clue about the kind of pain he's going to endure.

If you continue to have problems moving on or reminiscing about what she was (and not what she really is) keep posting here and spilling your guts. We will not judge you for having feelings or weak-willed thoughts. We have a good group of guys here that can teach you a lesson far greater than your close friends and family can. We all share a common goal to dominate, love our lives, respect ourselves, and share experiences good and bad - so welcome!

It may take a few months, or even a year or more depending how badly she treated you, but you will eventually win and overcome the crap she pulled and be a better man than you ever thought you would be.

expos said:

Pete - we a have few resident BPD survivors here. Bradd80, Mauser96, myself, Hockeyfreak79? Sorry if I wrong - but we've dealt with some crazy witches.

A few others come to mind but I can't remember their usernames. You can PM me with what issues you are having. I'm off from work today and going to the gym in a bit, but we can support you and describe in exact detail what you are going through and how to get out of it.

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Add me to the list ex-wife has BPD and suffered from periodic panic attacks. Marriage was a living hell... You end up surrending so much of yourself that you forget who you are in an attempt to fill the void she can not fill with the kids.

I have custody of the girls, they really don't want to spend any time with their mother, and hate going over to visit. Divorce was the only way to save them. I did everything I could to help my ex-wife... spent over $200K over the years we were married on an endless parade of shrinks of all types. Nothing worked. Then when I went on active duty and sent to Afghanistan, she started fvcking any freaking dude she could get her hands on. Ignored the kids (Who were babies at the time), and thank God for my mother otherwise I don't know what I would have done.

How I got my frame back? It was actually pretty easy since I had been away for months in a war zone getting shot at... puts sh!t into perspective. I was already is really good shape (which is a must).

My recommendation... is that you have to work out like an animal, get in the best shape of your life... weight training, biking, martial arts are great... spend time with your guy friends surfing... Surfing is the absolute best.... if you don't know how to do it, then go someplace and take lessons.

Pick something that you always wanted to do, but thought that you never would and then do it. Nothing builds confidence more than successful completely something that you never thought you could do.

Work on yourself first, but try and go out and meet some women... initially just go out and not worry about trying to make something happen, just go out have some fun and be outcome independant. Just get involved in things where you will have a chance to meet for women. Nothing makes you feel better then spending to with them.

Take your experiences with your wife with you... trust me you will be much better for the experience because NOW YOU KNOW what to look for... the warning signs of crazy is part of your DNA now. You will hear stories of other dudes hooking up with crazy chicks but it won't be you, because you now have a 6th sence intuition that will NEVER let you down as long as you are willing to trust your gut.

PM me anytime.

Ranger, man im sorry to hear about what happened, especially with kids involved. Im sure thats not easy. I couldn't imagine what it would be like having children with one of these demonds. Funny thing is, she would literally yell at me for not finishing in her. She claimed she was on the pill, but I knew better. My gut wasnt wrong. And expos, your words give me hope. I'm really glad I found this community, you guys are good people. And when its all said and done ill make a point to drop in periodically and help any brother going through the same situation.

petegunderson said:

Ranger, man im sorry to hear about what happened, especially with kids involved. Im sure thats not easy. I couldn't imagine what it would be like having children with one of these demonds. Funny thing is, she would literally yell at me for not finishing in her. She claimed she was on the pill, but I knew better. My gut wasnt wrong. And expos, your words give me hope. I'm really glad I found this community, you guys are good people. And when its all said and done ill make a point to drop in periodically and help any brother going through the same situation.

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Thanks for your concern but the twins and I are dong GREAT... trust me things have never been better. I'm happy, so are they. They are tough little girls because my girls won't be any other way. I'm rasing a couple of Alpha females that are going to make some dudes VERY happy when they are adults. They love bow hunting, deep sea fishing, and football, have great sences of humor and will not settle for some beta-ass weakling that will turn them into fat miserable b!tches like their fvcking mother and grandmother.

They already speak three languages (English, French which we speak in the house, and Spanish) and I'm teaching them German. They are smart as fvck and have already been excepted in the most exclusive private school in New Orleans.

The KEY to success is that I do not bring ANY of the women I see around them... which frequently turns off the women I date because they want to be a bigger part of my life. I have not found a women worthy enough of me or them to bring them in our little inner circle. This is compared to their crazy @ss mom who is always bringing her loser boyfriends around who my girls make fun of.

I would not trade the twins for ANYTHING, I totally respect your decision for not wanting to have children with your ex but sometimes absolutely beautiful things can come from cr@p. The key is to make the absolute best out of any miserable situation you find yourself in.

^^ word! People like you make me proud to be a man, in every aspect! Kudos to you.

Dang ranger you should be proud of yourself, like onion said, kudos. Thats what sets men apart from weak people. A man knows how to make the best of any situation. Thats how I know that by being introspective and accepting responsibility for LETTING her treat me like that, then I can learn to never allow someone to do that again. I'll be hyper vigilant with the red flags from now on, and I think that will be a good thing. But for right now I'll take after ranger and man the fvck up and do what needs to be done, starting with improving my self physically and psychologically.

No contact is the starting point, but you have to be PROACTIVE. I was involved with one for 3.5 years. It took nearly 90 days to start feeling better. The key is having something to work for - anything. I started a blog and started an e-book. Get in shape, build a brand, meet other women, it doesn't matter what you do. Just don't sit around waiting for that phone. This is not a ploy to get her back. It defeats the whole purpose. It's to get you used to life without her.