Massive Oneitis need some help.

Guys I am turning 24 and it seems like things like this keep happening to me, I get into relationships and they end and I cant seem to let the person go.

I met this girl and we dated for one year and I developed a really special bond with her but she ended her relationship over a fight we had. I know she was unsure this whole time, but I havent been able to let go. I am still in love with her.

We broke up about a month ago, and I have been contacting her and trying to keep in touch and she keeps pushing me away saying things like...

"I realized Ive been lying to myself this whole time about this relationship. And that I havent been following my heart. Ur not who I want to follow"

and

I asked her and told her "Didnt I make you happy, I know I did many times, you would say it and I have so many things to prove it."

Then she replies with "Not enuf and as I would have liked. I tried for one year and u havent done anything"

SHe said "I want a diff guy thats all"

"Yea I gave you a chance and as I talked with you I saw how you were reacting...etc. I just saw that I dont want to get back with you it was a confirmation"

"been there dealt with it h.Trust me I would know if uve changed truly and u havnt. But that doesnt matte, grow and be mature. Thats all. Let go, ive told you one thousand times. U wont listen like always no surprise"

"I dont hate, not angry...not anything. just me And my heart says your not the guy for me personality wise"

"Its who you are, Ur fine for someone else, not me. I know it in my gut. And this time Im actually going to listen to it"

"Even though i tired I just cant. I dont want to at all see you, im kind of disgusted by it - being with you for so long, im disappointed in my myself, sorry for the painful truth. Goodnight and I havnt txts u bcuz u ALWAYS text and call me like a 1000 times and I hate it everytime u do that. But you do it anyways cuz you care about your desires. W.e anyway thats why"



Guys I really love this woman, and I know what I must do. But I am having a hard time letting go. I dont have the energy to go out and meet other woman.

Me and her had planned out our life together and built dreams and hopes and now that they are gone I feel lost and confused.

Honestly I would do just about anything to have her back. I am smart enough to know what I MUST do, but I dont have the HEART to actually do it.

Which is letting her go, and moving on with my life.

To me she seemed like the girl of my dreams, meeting and surpassing my expectations of who I was looking for in a person. Unfortunately its obvious she does not feel that way about me. It sucks to have to face this truth.

My mind is filled with so many regrets, what ifs, and painful memories.

Do you think that if I moved on and took care of myself for a while that she would come back to me, chasing me?

Can anyone give me some words of advice on how to deal with the emotional pain. Thx guys..


I know Im not acting like a DON juan, i know this behavior is AFC but I wanted to be honest without any ego and just lay it all out there and just be candid about myself.

thx

wow dude...

thats is very CRUEL what she said.

do not contact her anymore and think about the means things she said instead of the good times.

she does not sound like the perfect girl for you.

good luck

She doesn't like you anymore. At least she was honest.

That is way better than some of the neutral sounding crap I have heard girls say.

Thats why I have such a hard time letting her go. Because I know she has many good traits and I love her.

I cant seem to let this girl go.

not easy to get over an ex, start out by 1. being around your friends and going out, having a good time 2. be OPEN to meeting new girls, its hard to be open to the idea so soon after..

take baby steps man.

Dont look at it as cruel or mean... look at it as the truth. She's not lollygagging or jerkin you around. No mixed messages. More women should be that straightforward.

Hark: we have all been through this and more. Over 50% marriages end in divorce. You weren't even engaged. You are not alone or unique. Other men move on and have great lives afterwards... so will you. Lick your wounds, and start spinning plates. NOW!

cut off all contact with her. Even if she txts you or calls you to ask if you're okay. that's the only way.

You're young, you're going to meet a TON of other girls that are equal if not better than her. Trust me. It may not seem like it now, but in time you'll see what I'm talking about.

Joe Stud said:

Dont look at it as cruel or mean... look at it as the truth. She's not lollygagging or jerkin you around. No mixed messages. More women should be that straightforward.

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I agree 100%.

And if there is something we know on these forums is that women usually aren't this crystal clear... which means that in this case, the OP simply pushed her to that point.

Look, OP, I know it's tough, but there is no way you are getting her back. REALIZE THAT.

Just because someone tells you that you made them happy in January, that doesn't mean that it's something that'll continue happening in February.

Happiness isn't an iron-clad contract, specially when there is another person involved. You took the female approach and tried to bring up past memories which obviously doesn't match up with the present. And since you took the female approach, she took the masculine approach, which was to be direct and logical and told you MULTIPLE times to leave her alone.

Grant her that wish. In the end, her wish is what'll do YOU good.

Having been in the clutches of oneitis before, I know what it's like. You need to realize that these feelings are irrational and damaging. It's over with this girl. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you will be. You need to do your best to think with your logic and not your emotion. You are NOT thinking clearly. You are exhibiting all the trademark signs. You need to snap out of it as soon as possible. Because the only thing it will cause you is pain and heartache.

She has made up her mind. And you will NEVER convince a girl by trying to use logic as to why she should give you another chance. If you just didn't want a relationship with a certain girl, do you think her attempting to sell you on it would convince you to get back with her? Of course not. Only she can decide if she wants to get back with you. I wouldn't count on it.

Assume that it's over. Cut off all contact with her. Do not call, e-mail, text or communicate with her in any way. Out of sight is out of mind. Yes, it will be hard at first, but this is a must. Bury yourself in your hobbies and interests. Keep yourself busy.

Then, you need to start working on other girls. Nothing kills oneitis faster than finding yourself a new a woman, or two or three. There are billions of women on this planet. What are the odds that you really found the best possible woman for you? The odds of that are prohibitive. So realize that there are always other girls out there.

There's a saying in Spanish that always rings true in these kinds of situations: "Un clavo saca a otro clavo" -- one nail drives out another. The only cure for a broken heart (aside from time) is to get other women (or, in our language, spin new plates). You need to do this (even if you don't want to) asap.

Now I don't want to make you feel bad or anything but I feel I must comment on the following line for the sake of anybody who's learning.

harkkam08 said:

...she keeps pushing me away saying things like...

"I realized Ive been lying to myself this whole time about this relationship. And that I havent been following my heart. Ur not who I want to follow"

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Women (at least the normal ones -- not the crazy feminazis) want to be with a man who they respect and look up to. If you're not this man, you're done for.

You need to lead. Not follow.

yeah you need to find other women asap.

But if you need to, take some time to sulk and think things over and what happened. Don't do it for too long though.

I went through this last December, but immediately started meeting new women after I gave myself a few days to vent my emotions.

You need THIS

I'm in the midst of breaking up with my girl too. Girls will always try to make it sound like they are breaking up with you over something they don't like about you. This makes you go on a defense about how you have done this, you have done that.

But to be honest, that doesn't matter to her. What matters to her now, and it is important for you to look at it this way too, is that her IL in you has waned drastically, or perhaps it wasn't that high to start with.

"I asked her and told her "Didnt I make you happy, I know I did many times, you would say it and I have so many things to prove it."

Then she replies with "Not enuf and as I would have liked. I tried for one year and u havent done anything""

Bro, why are you justifying yourself to her? She has just told you with that reply that it didn't matter, the things that you said you have done are not enough and not the way she wants it to be. This means that she is unappreciative. And bro, yes she probably has some good traits, some that make you wanna stick around. And probably the sex is good too. But she has just told you in the face that

1. She didn't appreciate what you've done for her, and in fact thinks nothing about it.
2. She did not like the way you were treating her. Hell, you could be banging other chicks that digged the way you treated them, this one is not special. trust me on that.
3. The two of you are incompatible. That is why the things you've done are not the way she likes.
4. She has ZERO attraction for you.

and..

"Even though i tired I just cant. I dont want to at all see you, im kind of disgusted by it - being with you for so long, im disappointed in my myself, sorry for the painful truth. Goodnight and I havnt txts u bcuz u ALWAYS text and call me like a 1000 times and I hate it everytime u do that. But you do it anyways cuz you care about your desires. W.e anyway thats why"

You were AFC. Yes, severe one-itis there. I know, I did the same thing more than once heh. It isn't just about meeting new women to get over it. If I am not wrong, meeting new women would make you apply your current patterns to these new women and you will be back here with similar stories before long.

Take up a project to take your mind off her. Indulge in your pleasures and hobbies. Or enlist in Victory Unlimited's army. And whatever happens, NC her. It's for you to wean yourself off the dependence you've built on her, and not as a tactic to get her back.

Yes, one day in future she might cross paths with you again, and decide that you were meant to be together. But that will not happen unless you become the "diff guy" that she wanted. Work on your life, and the women will come.

LOL. Funny enough, I just had a *HUGE* argument with this girl. We have had several arguments in the past, and I backed down most of the time to keep cool and avoid further conflicts. We argued then we reconciled and we fvcked, but, did any of them make anything better? No. Even worse. Somehow women took this for granted, thinking as if it's okay for the first time, they would do it again.

Classic women's arguments: they blame men for not trying hard enough to save the relationship. Don't fall for it.

And I fell for that, several times. As a matter of fact, the more you tried to save the relationship, the worse it gets.

After this last argument, man I feel good now and get my power back. She felt so arrogant and smug about herself. I said to her "why did you do this? my ex never done this", to which she said "don't you compare me to your ex! she's down here for all I care!" (with her hand somewhere on her knee). I immediately snapped "You are down there, she's up here! You are not as good as you think!" She broke down after that. "If I am that low, why am I here?" and I said "Then leave". She left my room. She texted me like 10 times after that in one minute saying things like "Why didn't you tell me you are back to your ex." "I wish you the best" "I should have seen it sooner that you don't love me anymore" and bla bla bla.

Throughout the day, I questioned if I did the right thing. But the next day, my mind was getting clearer and clearer and I knew that I did the right thing. I felt like I am getting myself back. The kind of power women have over you is enough to kill a man from the inside.

Never, ever let a woman enters your mind and heart unless she's proven herself worthy for that position and continues to do so.

Since it looks like she was the one in power in the breakup, time is your only cure. Trash everything that could remind you of her. No contact. Start loving yourself back. Start doing things that you love or used to love. You need to get your self back.

There comes a time when the plane is going down and you have to choose whether there is any possibility of regaining control and putting it back on the deck OR that it's too far gone and, as painful as you know it's gonna be, you have to eject to save yourself.

You're nose down, vertical, on fire, passing through 1000 feet my friend.

Time to pull the handle.

Tomorrows a new day, new jet.

Over and Out.

sharkybear said:

Never, ever let a woman enters your mind and heart unless she's proven herself worthy for that position and continues to do so.

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Write that on your fridge, gentlemen. Words to live by.

I never expected so much support and for that thank you sosuave members.



Your posts give me the strength to carry forward with No contact, to know that its okay, and that Others have gone on to live better lives.

My younger brother who is also in the community, told me that a woman should be the cherry on top of your cake that you baked yourself.

I let women become the single source of happiness in my life, the defining purpose and reason to carry forward in life. In a way I am addicted to the love and attention that I get from women if its a kiss or just someone to hold hands with. A womens attention brings so very much happiness inside me that I am lost without it.

I realized that in every relationship I've had so far, I always loose myself to the point where they become my whole world. I dont take time to do things for myself or focus on me. Partly because I've focused all my attention into getting into Medical school.

Im realizing that maybe you dont need women to be happy in life. That if you feel that deep down loneliness and emptiness and the only thing that takes it away is a womens love and touch, that there is something bigger going on with you. I was like that and still am.

One night stands and hooking up and sex to me, mean nothing. I could go without having sex for three months, not saying I would. To me being in a LTR gives me purpose, a companion to share the moments in life that we usually walk alone in.

Instead of walking on the beach alone, you have your woman, and instead of being with friends on the weekend trying to pick up girls. You can sit on your couch order Chinese food and kiss and watch TV. Thats what I am holding on to, the feeling of somebody being there for you.

Being alone makes me sad, and I get depressed even at times. Its like this empty hole being alone makes me feel. However with a woman things seem so much brighter.

But my brothers advice and just common sense allude to the fact that this is unhealthy and needs to be changed. I realize that part of my attachment to her comes from the intense need I have for company and intimate relationships in general and thats why I am having such a hard time letting go.

Its like I dont even like being with myself.

I realized that having good relationships require you to have a part of you that you NEVER give to the other person. You share yourself but never SELL yourself. That you maintain some independence in your source of happiness.



However as I sit here and go about my day I have memories that will run through my head like "remb that time when you guys sat on the grass in the park and kissed" .... "now Im all alone in my house, watching TV" or "remb when she was in your car and you said this and you guys laughed"..."now im driving to school all alone with nothing but the radio to keep me company" or "Remb when she was our at your house and you just fell asleep together"...now "there is nothing here"

I want to wait before I meet other women, But maybe I might just have to force myself to so that I can get over this thought that she was the only women. I definitely dont want another LTR but maybe hookups and sex would make me feel better..


Thanks guys

I realized that in every relationship I've had so far, I always loose myself to the point where they become my whole world. I dont take time to do things for myself or focus on me. Partly because I've focused all my attention into getting into Medical school.

Im realizing that maybe you dont need women to be happy in life. That if you feel that deep down loneliness and emptiness and the only thing that takes it away is a womens love and touch, that there is something bigger going on with you. I was like that and still am.

One night stands and hooking up and sex to me, mean nothing. I could go without having sex for three months, not saying I would. To me being in a LTR gives me purpose, a companion to share the moments in life that we usually walk alone in.

Instead of walking on the beach alone, you have your woman, and instead of being with friends on the weekend trying to pick up girls. You can sit on your couch order Chinese food and kiss and watch TV. Thats what I am holding on to, the feeling of somebody being there for you.

Being alone makes me sad, and I get depressed even at times. Its like this empty hole being alone makes me feel. However with a woman things seem so much brighter.

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These are things you need to work on! If you are not happy alone, you won't be happy because a woman comes along. Yes, you might feel bliss initially, but this is only transient. Your happiness comes from YOU and you alone.

In fact, being dependent on a woman for your happiness almost makes it certain that your relationships will fail. As man, you are supposed to be the rock in the relationship. Just think about how much pressure you are putting on a woman by making her the source of your happiness. Do you think anyone would want to bear such a burden? It's only natural that after a while, a woman will begin to resent you and look for a way out.

A lot of guys think that they need women to be happy. They have it the wrong way around. You need to be happy in order to get and keep quality women.

Well I sent her a few txts to say goodbye and basically this is what she said.

"I wont be against the idea if you contact me mannyy months from now...its just that I kept saying no because you wanted three or so months. Contact me when ur ready...and I mean truly ready. If you havnt changed truely, then obviously ill know right from the start and never ever try with u again. However many months from now, I dont know where ill be. Or whom ill be with. But it never hurts to try lots of luck and goodluck."

I then said "well I dont plan on dating or hooking up with anyone for six months because I want to take this time to work on myself and you already know how I feel about your dating someone"

She said "Mhmmm...okie"

I then said "Take care byee"

that was that.


What am I supposed to make of this?

harkkam08 said:

What am I supposed to make of this?

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She wants attention. I would tell her to get f-ed. Reply and tell her that you are not changing for her, and that you realized that there are other guys out there that would be better for her.

Then maybe start a plan about improving yourself, but for YOU. Like a 3 month plan, exercise, learn, whatever you can do that will give you more self confidence.