Trying to break AFC behaviour...

[Aesthetix29]

okay trying to break free of this afc behaviour is hard ... I've read the bible, I understand it but I keep falling back into my old ways .. What's the best advice to break free of this curse ... Good looking guy here who girls approach and I do fine for the first few dates then bam! I lose it ... Hate being like this! Will I ever be free!

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

It's a case of conditioning. You need reinforcement resulting from your behaviours (largely negative) to learn your way out. It's not really a case of reading theory and miraculously changing overnight. You must reflect on what works for you and what doesn't.

One day a switch will just flip in your brain and it will be like a revelation. It might happen over and over again about different things you do. But it is genuinely character forming.

What is it you think causes things to break down? Let me guess.... emotional attachment?

 

[skinnyguy]

You're too dependent on women and it's coming out in your actions.

You should try going 3 months with no dating and no sex. Take the time to raise your SMV. If you find yourself going crazy, you have a lot of work to do. You should be so confident in yourself that it shouldn't affect you at all.

 

[dustmuffin]

You're too dependent on women and it's coming out in your actions.

You should try going 3 months with no dating and no sex. Take the time to raise your SMV. If you find yourself going crazy, you have a lot of work to do. You should be so confident in yourself that it shouldn't affect you at all.

I can attest that going without women makes you realize you don't need them.

 

[Aesthetix29]

It's a case of conditioning. You need reinforcement resulting from your behaviours (largely negative) to learn your way out. It's not really a case of reading theory and miraculously changing overnight. You must reflect on what works for you and what doesn't.

One day a switch will just flip in your brain and it will be like a revelation. It might happen over and over again about different things you do. But it is genuinely character forming.

What is it you think causes things to break down? Let me guess.... emotional attachment?

TMK .... Emotional attachment... That's it! As soon as I get emotionally tied I'm screwed .. But how do I stop this ... It kind of happens without me even realising ... It's like I know somethings wrong but can't change the error of my ways ... Do I treat girls like a doormat ... I'm genuinely a noc guy too nice even ... I'm beginning to hate myself because of this. Let's say your dating a bird and you become emotionally attached... And she backs off completely (understandable) obviously she was attracted too me ... Can you change there mind again ... Or does it turn them off that much they never want to see or hear from you again?

 

[NSX-R]

Practice, practice, practice.
Have your eyes open to find the mistakes and try to fix them.

 

[dustmuffin]

I am not a big enough ass hole. I'm not nice I just don't give a ****. I'm working on it. It also depends on what a woman is used to. Women that have been abused mentally/physically as children crave a major ass hole. Just see your short comings and work on them...

 

[Aesthetix29]

Well I am trying ... I'm working on myself at the moment as I've recently become self employed!

 

[macallik]

Well I am trying ... I'm working on myself at the moment as I've recently become self employed!

Congrats on being self-employed. As for backsliding on your quest to be a DJ, I will say that everything has a habit of seeming random and unrelated if you lay it out like that. I recommend you start a journal to track your progress, set goals and figure out how things are related when it comes to dating.

When it comes to approaching for example, there are a lot of things you can analyze by looking back at old posts in your journal. If you don't have a journal though then you start to forget past successes or things that worked/didn't work and you are more likely to keep hitting your head against the wall

 

[Aesthetix29]

Congrats on being self-employed. As for backsliding on your quest to be a DJ, I will say that everything has a habit of seeming random and unrelated if you lay it out like that. I recommend you start a journal to track your progress, set goals and figure out how things are related when it comes to dating.

When it comes to approaching for example, there are a lot of things you can analyze by looking back at old posts in your journal. If you don't have a journal though then you start to forget past successes or things that worked/didn't work and you are more likely to keep hitting your head against the wall

Thanks Mac, good advice and I think I'm going too try that ... I'm stuck in a rut, I was seeing a girl a few weeks back and everything was going really well until I got emotionally attached then she just backed off and things fizzled out .. Then 2 months later I hit her up again got things going again via text ... And asked her on a date .. I said I'd pick her up Friday at 7 never got a reply .. So left it at that. Suppose it's knocked my confidence, as I thought I was getting somewhere. I've seen the error of my ways I'm just too emotionally involved and come across as needy, really need too overcome this.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I am not a big enough ass hole. I'm not nice I just don't give a ****. I'm working on it. It also depends on what a woman is used to. Women that have been abused mentally/physically as children crave a major ass hole. Just see your short comings and work on them...

It is a mindset. You don't need to be an *******. You can be nice and still get women. The biggest thing is being congruent with your words and unwavering in your intent.

What the other gentlemen said here is true.. The more comfortable a man is with himself and only himself, the less he needs women. When you don't need any woman, they value you more.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

TMK .... Emotional attachment... That's it! As soon as I get emotionally tied I'm screwed .. But how do I stop this ... It kind of happens without me even realising ... It's like I know somethings wrong but can't change the error of my ways ... Do I treat girls like a doormat ... I'm genuinely a noc guy too nice even ... I'm beginning to hate myself because of this. Let's say your dating a bird and you become emotionally attached... And she backs off completely (understandable) obviously she was attracted too me ... Can you change there mind again ... Or does it turn them off that much they never want to see or hear from you again?

If you're the kind of guy that forms emotional connections, it's going to be quite difficult to get yourself out of that habit. What you can learn to control are your emotional responses, i.e. your behaviours.

Put it this way; women form emotional connections much more quickly than men. It's the way they are put together. If she agrees to meet your more than two or three times, it means she's formed a connection - probably within the first date or two. That means what you are doing is working. What happens then is you start to form an emotive response to her as well and you know what happens then...? Your behaviour towards her changes. You move from being the cool, fun, nonchalant guy, to a needy little lapdog who's calling and texting and following and at her beckoned call. That is the opposite of what she was initially attracted to.

I don't know exactly what your tack is when you start out, nor when this 'change' happens; but what I do know is you need to work out what it is you do to put them off in the medium to long term. You're not alone in this; 99/100 guys on this site have done the same, just some sort of variation on the theme.

Latterly, I treat everyone the same. Probably because I am more at one with my own existence than I ever have been. As EyeBRollin said, if you are happy in yourself, it is easier to get on with your own life in the absence of another. You should have your own life outside of your womenfolk. The only thing you really need to know is that when they contact you (verbally), it usually means they want to see you; then it is your responsibility to lead proceedings, in the same way after two, five, thirty years, as you did on the very first date. Simple.

 

[marmel75]

I am not a big enough ass hole. I'm not nice I just don't give a ****. I'm working on it. It also depends on what a woman is used to. Women that have been abused mentally/physically as children crave a major ass hole. Just see your short comings and work on them...

You don't need to be a jerk or @sshole...and being nice isn't always a bad thing either. It's the context of WHY that makes it bad. A "nice guy" is being nice to try and get sex. It's acting desperate and needy but not being able to escalate like a man would.

 

[dustmuffin]

It is a mindset. You don't need to be an *******. You can be nice and still get women. The biggest thing is being congruent with your words and unwavering in your intent.

What the other gentlemen said here is true.. The more comfortable a man is with himself and only himself, the less he needs women. When you don't need any woman, they value you more.

You don't need to be a jerk or @sshole...and being nice isn't always a bad thing either. It's the context of WHY that makes it bad. A "nice guy" is being nice to try and get sex. It's acting desperate and needy but not being able to escalate like a man would.

I dont do that just to get sex. so maybe Im good.

 

[SeymourCake]

You break AFC behavior once you knock down the pedestal your former AFC placed beneath her feet and realize you are the prize to be won.

 

[Aesthetix29]

Thanks guys made a lot of sense ... I don't even know how I ended up putting her on a pedestal ... She's a 6/10 at best but it was more her personality ... I normally get pretty hot chicks but there personality is shallow. Anyway I still put her on a pedestal and managed to screw it up!