The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

 

[BeTheChange]

Hmm...
Also another thing common with the condition is that we tend to make the partner think as if it is their fault. You are blaming yourself, I wonder if she got you to think this way. Her making you think she was the victim is a common tactic.

BPD has abandonment issues along with what I already mentioned. If she has cluster B then this would be the most logical diagnosis. (though I am not sure as I have not talked with her or assessed her outside of your descriptions).

I am not sure about her... But you are not cluster B. You freely admit you were wrong. You take responsibility. You have a temper perhaps, maybe you can find more reasonable ways to outlet your frustration. But I am sure the abuse was reciprocated, she did fool around lie to you and manipulate you so it is not as if she was a perfect angel either.

Either way, you and her had a pathologic relationship. She brought you down and it sounds that you were miserable. That is not healthy, that is not what you want in life.

You're 100% right. She doesn't and never fully comprehends how and why she was in the wrong. At least I realise there is a problem.

Even after she called the police and tried to destory my life she DID claim it was my fault and even said "Don't you dare act like you're the victim". Hell she even said the SAME thing AFTER she LEFT ME and fvcked another guy - It was ALL my fault apparently.

I think I may need to read more about this Cluster B stuff.

Thanks for your support brother.

 

[Asmodeus]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

It is a horrible idea. Do not do it.

 

[Asmodeus]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

You need to stay no contact. She has not apologized to you and she will not, why apologize to her. What are you trying to prove by apologizing to her? It is enough of an apology that you feel sorry. I understand your desire to atone for your sins, but in doing so you will not gain salvation but will only put you back in damnation. Back in the damnation of missing her, of hoping for her, of thinking about her. Do not go back... You have crossed the point of no return, and to return is to return to all of the pain and suffering. Soon enough this will pass it all does, with time even the worst of wounds heal.

 

[BeTheChange]

You need to stay no contact. She has not apologized to you and she will not, why apologize to her. What are you trying to prove by apologizing to her? It is enough of an apology that you feel sorry. I understand your desire to atone for your sins, but in doing so you will not gain salvation but will only put you back in damnation. Back in the damnation of missing her, of hoping for her, of thinking about her. Do not go back... You have crossed the point of no return, and to return is to return to all of the pain and suffering. Soon enough this will pass it all does, with time even the worst of wounds heal.

How can I atone for my sins? A part of me feels like I can't move on until I do this.

She has apologised numerous times but once all the theatrics have been put aside and the tears wiped away you can see it doesn't seem to be genuine.

How do I know? Because you can tell from her behaviour a week, a day or sometimes even hours after an incident that she doesn't really appreciate what she has truly done wrong and I have voiced this frustration a number of times. That she behaves in a way that suggests she does not understand what she has done...Now it is all starting to make sense. She may be incapable of it...

She has told me that she is seeing a therapist while she is in France (could be a lie as based on past behaviour she is a compulsive liar - also on the list!). I was considering sending her that list of all the things she has done to me during the relationship and maybe a heads up that she might want to seek out a Cluster B diagnosis. Probably not a good idea though right?

 

[Asmodeus]

Probably not a good idea though right?

No contact.

If you send her a list of things she has done... What will that prove? If she is Cluster B she will likely not admit she is wrong anyway, or she will fake an apology. Frankly, you will get nothing out of it. The best thing you can do is to leave her alone.
You cannot help her condition... I do not even think a therapist can help her. The only thing that can is herself. If you want to help her then let her solve her own problems, let her come to her own understanding, maybe she will have a moment of clarity someday or maybe not. Either way, you should do what is best for you here and what is best for you is to stay away.

 

[BeTheChange]

I will also share a number of things that she admitted to me over our relationship

She had/has a very odd relationship with her Dad. Not sexual, but somewhat inappropriate - he would make her feel bad if she didn't come and sleep in bed with her (he was divorced). This happened until she was maybe 14 or 15 and only after her older brothers had an intervention as they were concerned with their Dad's behaviour. He was generally quite protective over his daughter. She has said a few times that she "doesn't remember" some of the things her Dad did to her. I did ask about whether it could be...well you know...and she says she doesn't know and doesn't think so but can't remember.

She has claimed that she hears voices in her head (I kid you not). Not all the time but as a child she started hearing them during incredibly stressful periods (e.g. when her parents split up, etc)

She has said that she depended greatly on his approval or if not his approval, then on him feeling "good" Early on this would manifest in her working hard in school, etc to make him proud (relatively normal behaviour) but then it moved on to her lying about her achievements in order to make him happy - this was especially the case when he entered a depressive period (he seems ok now)

She says she basically felt the same way about me to the point where she still does care about how her Dad perceives her but cares (I guess past tense cared) more about how I looked at her.

If she had known that I would have fvcked someone else so quickly after we broke up, rather than her reconsidering her actions and getting back with me before all this happened she would have instead found a guy and "given him the best fvck of his life and she would have enjoyed it knowing that he was having her body and I wasn't"

There are other things but these are what I can remember of the top off my head. Jesus. When you write it all out she really does look like an absolute psycho...I've never shared this with any of my friends for obvious reasons. I respect her privacy and her sharing these things with me.

Talking all this through has been incredibly helpful. I'm realising that perhaps she was indeed simply...unhinged

My preliminary analyse is that my ex probably is probably Cluster B and shows several signs of Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

My only issue with this diagnosis is that historically she hasn't really been triggered by "ordinary events" as it suggests here. If she does go crazy it's normally due to a legitimately emotional event (e.g me getting angry and chucking her out my place)

 

[Asmodeus]

Wow... It is a good thing she did not get pregnant... You would have been so screwed.

 

[BeTheChange]

Wow... It is a good thing she did not get pregnant... You would have been so screwed.
View attachment 346

In the final weeks she often "joked" about going "a few days" without taking the pill (laughing while she was saying it) and even despite all the bullsh*t that happened in the final weeks was talking about how she wanted to have kids with me soon.

 

[BeTheChange]

From: http://www.waking-you-up.com/cluster-B.html

Stage Five: Release

Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.

Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.

----------------------------------------------------


Quite interesting. My ex always talked about a best friend she had in school who for some reason she just dropped like she was nothing. I wonder if I'll be the next one.

 

[Carpathian]

Some of you guys counting the time like @Gaysha thinking of this as day x of 90 have the wrong mindset. You should be thinking this is day X of the REST OF MY LIFE. Never contact the ex again, ever. Don't think of it as a 90 day period you have to endure until a possible ex reach-out.

1.5 weeks so far

Another 6.5 weeks to go

Wrong mindset dude. What do you mean "another 6.5 weeks to go?" That suddenly everything is going to be fine come 6.5 weeks time and you'll have no further emotions then? That day in 6.5 weeks comes and goes, what then? That everything will be fine? Forget counting days like you are doing. Think long term that this is the new normal, until you get into a new relationship.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Emotional pain is temporary. It may last a month, six months, a year. But eventually, the pain will subside and strength/resolve will take its place. If you quit, however, the pain (of selling yourself out) can last a lifetime.

You can also try to drink and cover the pain, and it becomes a cycle that never ends.

 

[BeTheChange]

Some of you guys counting the time like @Gaysha thinking of this as day x of 90 have the wrong mindset. You should be thinking this is day X of the REST OF MY LIFE. Never contact the ex again, ever. Don't think of it as a 90 day period you have to endure until a possible ex reach-out.

Wrong mindset dude. What do you mean "another 6.5 weeks to go?" That suddenly everything is going to be fine come 6.5 weeks time and you'll have no further emotions then? That day in 6.5 weeks comes and goes, what then? That everything will be fine? Forget counting days like you are doing. Think long term that this is the new normal, until you get into a new relationship.

Disagree with this. Going 60 days NC is an incredibly difficult challenge both physically and mentally. When you write a target down and work towards it then it becomes real and this is the whole point. Set yourself the baby step of 60 days NC. Then by the end you can think more clearly and set yourself more long term goals.

I also believe that 60 days NC is good because it's long but not too long. After 60 days NC you SHOULD NOT BE writing or talking about your ex on a regular basis here or anywhere else. 60 days is enough time to mourn, accept the loss and set yourself on the road to recovery.

 

[Gaysha]

@Carpathian I am not counting days because I plan on contacting her after 90 days. It's just a set time, it's kind of easier when it's a deadline. In this 90 days I will heal and when they come to an end, I won't want to talk to her, I won't have any desire. I still have it now, a little, so that's why.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 5

Off sick today from work. Really missing the ex at the moment. It's little things that get me down like scrolling through Facebook, seeing a funny photo, wanting to share it with her and remembering I can't.

 

[john1234]

Day 5

Off sick today from work. Really missing the ex at the moment. It's little things that get me down like scrolling through Facebook, seeing a funny photo, wanting to share it with her and remembering I can't.

Hang in there , delete her profile.

 

[BeTheChange]

Hang in there , delete her profile.

Did that a while ago. I'm referring to memes and stuff like that or funny videos (e.g a video of a cat in a humorous pose. Just stupid stuff you generally share with mates that make you laugh.

Anyway, here's a bit of motivational music that gets me going in the morning:

You can't not feel like a king after listening to this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Letter arrived for my ex today (she hasn't told everyone her new address as recently moved out)

What should I do with it? Looks like it's from one of her family friends.

 

[john1234]

Letter arrived for my ex today (she hasn't told everyone her new address as recently moved out)

What should I do with it? Looks like it's from one of her family friends.

Return it to sender or chuck it in the bin!

 

[BeTheChange]

Dragged myself to salsa last night and went to a spanish meetup this evening. Feels great to be getting out there and meeting new people. Plan is to hit a Spanish group class Tuesday, meal with a buddy Wednesday and Salsa on Thursday. On top of that my side business is going quite well. One of my clients just paid me $1000 for a completed project and strongly hinted at a need for an additional 4 projects worth a total of around $4000. I intend to use a lot of free time being single to really push the side business without losing track of my social life (since I don't have to split it around seeing a needy gf).

I plan to be out almost every night and manage the majority of projects coming in from the side business during my commute or on Saturday / Sunday mornings and afternoons.

I'm realising now that for the first time in my life I am at the stage where I am still young and have enough money and time to enjoy this city and the rest of the world. I want to get as much real life experience as possible. Life is good.