Red Flags

[vegasguy]

Hi there on that red flag thing i have to say those are the most stupid excuses ever.Yes men have had women say most of those.I know one thing if you are with someone who doesnt give you those excuses,you must be gay.Listen the world is not perfect and either are humans .So if anyone follows your advice they will be left handing it for the rest of there life.For all of us guys were out of luck i guess if we take your advice.Yes i realize these comments were probably from a teenager who has never been laid or hes attempting to .I just hope the girl bungopony is marrying has never ever said that to him.Yes i read in one of your recent comments about her ex coming around her house.So bungo maybe you better take your own advice.Like mama says it bees that way sometimes.

 

[ShortyBrown]

bungo

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that everyone deals with their $hit in different ways. The list comes across as some kind of law that all guys should be adhering to. Not everyone who has been abused is a fruit loop. I'm relatively normal, lol. It's like I said before, we all make that choice to either face up to what has happened, or push it aside and hope that it doesn't come to the surface in our relationships, which is obviously the unhealthy thing to do. (as well as being selfish)
I could sit here and make the assumption that you should never trust a man who doesn't have a home telephone, only a mobile number.(my ex was this guy-he was married) I'd get crucified for it. Because it's a sweeping generalisation. Men want women who are open and honest right? But God forbid she reveals a history of abuse, because the guy will be outta there.
If you can't share something so personal with the man you love for fear that they'll leg it, then I guess I better settle for long saturday nights infront of the telly.

 

[Sting]

Re: bungo

Originally posted by ShortyBrown
It's like I said before, we all make that choice to either face up to what has happened, or push it aside and hope that it doesn't come to the surface in our relationships, which is obviously the unhealthy thing to do. (as well as being selfish)

This is probably the most important part, if not the whole point of this thread. People need to take more responsibility for their decisions. Likewise, if you don't deal with your problems, don't expect anyone else to deal with them; or, more importantly, deal with you until you've dealt with your problems.

 

[sAxyguy83]

Originally posted by Bungo Pony
- She's a different person depending on who she's with or where she is.

This one alone isn't a major red flag. I think most of the ppl on this forum will admit that they are different depending on the situation. When you stack it in w/ the others, it's time to take a second look at that girl.

I think what frightens me most is that, though I don't think my girl strongly exhibits any of these traits, and only faintly exhibits a couple, I myself exhibit quite a few. I think anyone reading this thread should look at that list a second time and say, "How many of these are me?"

 

[sAxyguy83]

Whoops! Forgot the other thing I was gonna say...

- She likes something just because you like it.

If she just suddenly develops an overwhelming interest in something you like, that's a bad sign. However, I think it's a good and healthy thing for both ppl in a LTR to try the things that the other is interested in. At least in my case, I've found some new interests, as has my GF. We both tried some new things. Some we liked, some we didn't, but we've both grown a little, and become closer together, in the process.

 

[violator]

"***** -

She is a single mother with more than one child from different fathers"
__________________________________________________

Not necessarily. Maybe she fell in love more than once and
and had kids to show for it. It really depends on the circumstances. Some women bounce from one casual relationship to another and get pregnant with different men. In that case, yes they are sluts.

But, what if she got out of a bad marriage or relationship and fell in love with another dude who got her pregnant. Is she a *****? Not necessarily. A woman with poor judgement, yes, but not a *****.

However, I consider it a red flag dealing with single mothers in general or women who have been divorced more than once because of all of the baggage they bring.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Like I said, each one of these red flags could be a whole other discussion. I must say that I'm quite surprised at some of the recent responses:

vegasguy wrote:

I just hope the girl bungopony is marrying has never ever said that to him.Yes i read in one of your recent comments about her ex coming around her house.So bungo maybe you better take your own advice.Like mama says it bees that way sometimes.

I know a lot of you have had some concern over the whole ex thing. I've met the guy, and he is 100% afc. Personally, I'm not worried about him or even about her having desires for him. He once called her up, telling her that he's committing suicide. She was giving him tips on how to do it (she's got the same sense of humor I do). However, I am keeping my eyes open for any changes. I've already dealt with my fiance face to face about the issue. If it gets out of control even slightly, I will be taking some drastic action. She's been warned.

Men want women who are open and honest right? But God forbid she reveals a history of abuse, because the guy will be outta there.

Shorty Brown, you bring up some interesting points. However, I'll tell you one thing for a fact; I have never met an abused woman who has gone for any kind of councelling or therapy. Never. There are a lot of problems that come from abuse which will show in their due time.

Not everyone who has been abused is a fruit loop. I'm relatively normal, lol.

Now, I'm not sure what kind of abuse you've had in your past. I must also make a note that people say "Oh, I was abused. Pity me". Some people never get out of that fvcking "poor me" attitude and expect everyone to feel sorry for them. I also have no clue if you've ever looked into your abuse and worked on dealing with it. If the person works on his/herself to come to terms with their past, they'll understand the roots of A LOT of their problems and will be able to do something about them. You could also have problems that you don't even know about, but other people have noticed. Again, this discussion could be a whole other topic.

Now sAxyguy83, you commented about a woman being different when with different people or in different places.

This one alone isn't a major red flag. I think most of the ppl on this forum will admit that they are different depending on the situation.

I should have put the word "Extremely" in there. Maybe I'll do that yet. I've seen this situation in real life, and I've read it on this forum quite a few times. I remember one specific example where someone wrote about his gf acting as if he didn't exist when she was with some of her friends.

I've had the problem where my woman would be happy as hell around me, but be depressed & miserable everytime we were spending time with a couple of my friends and would constantly ***** or pout the whole night.

I think anyone reading this thread should look at that list a second time and say, "How many of these are me?"

This is an excellent fvcking question to ask yourself! This would be a good way to do some self-improvement, and possible patch up some of the problems you've had for years. Getting to know one's self is the most satifying thing that a person can do in their lifetime.

If she just suddenly develops an overwhelming interest in something you like, that's a bad sign. However, I think it's a good and healthy thing for both ppl in a LTR to try the things that the other is interested in.

I agree, and the first point you mentioned is what I was referring to. There is a major difference between a woman taking an interest in and suddenly liking something that you enjoy. Now, I like the band Blue Oyster Cult. One girl I dated would say to all her friends "Blue Oyster Cult Rocks!", yet she could only name one song by them. Another girl was intrigued by my interest in the band, went on the internet, and downloaded a bunch of their songs just to see what I was fussing about.

Now, violator wrote a comment about women with kids from different guys:

Not necessarily. Maybe she fell in love more than once and and had kids to show for it. It really depends on the circumstances.

I hope to hell you're dating women who are 40+ years old. If a woman has fallen in love multiple times, and has a kid to show for each one of them, wouldn't you suspect her being needy? Needy women are some of the worst ones to get involved with. Neediness is usually followed by insecurity.

Some women bounce from one casual relationship to another and get pregnant with different men. In that case, yes they are sluts.

Now, let me ask you this question, how do you tell the difference? She could damn well lie and say she's been in love with every one of her child's fathers just to make herself look good. Also, what kind of emotional baggage resulted from each one of those relationships?

 

[Eternal]

Due to the chance of this being deleted due to time, Matrix has requested me to bump this for it to stay in the High School bible. Thank you.

 

[Deathfyre]

Originally posted by ShortyBrown
This is the biggest load of bull$hit I have ever heard. It's not exactly the woman's fault if this has occured. If you are going to be selfish enough to not take into account that your girl is a little fragile because of the aforementioned, and run at her first exihibition of anger, sadness, etc...you don't deserve her, or any other woman.

It's not her fault this occured, but it's also not mine, why should we have to take that into account when choosing a girl? My goal in finding a girl is to find someone who's perfect (or near to) for me, not to find someone I'm perfect for, while settling for someone with issues I don't want to/can't deal with. If I find someone who's perfect for me, then hopefully I'll be perfect for her too, if not, it's her call.

 

[comic_relief]

bumpity bump bump... bump bump

 

[Maverick_DJ]

I don't agree with the one about if she has slept with more people than a 3rd her age. That is bull****, if a man does it he's a stud if a woman does it shes a *****. ALL WRONG. What the **** does it matter how many peole shes been with? Really?

 

[comic_relief]

Originally posted by Maverick_DJ
I don't agree with the one about if she has slept with more people than a 3rd her age. That is bull****, if a man does it he's a stud if a woman does it shes a *****. ALL WRONG. What the **** does it matter how many peole shes been with? Really?

lets look at this from an objective point of view.

if she slept with a hundred guys she is called a *****.
If a man slept with a hundred women then he is a man *****.

I don't care what anyone says, "if you are a wh-ore then you are a wh-ore."

I cannot agree with everything on the list but most fit into that category.

comic_relief

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by ShortyBrown
Hey there!!

We're only human at the end of the day.

yes, and i, as a human, with all my inalienable rights, have the right NOT to include chics with major issues (ie. red flags).

there are plenty of psychologists out there to fix yourself up with, and even more self help books.

in this day and age there is absolutely no reason to be wacko. those who are, are wacko because they are either self centered and can get by dumping their issues-ladden behavior on AFCs OR they are too lazy to get their sh*t together.

i only have one life and I ain't wasting one second of it with some screwed in the head broad.

the only trait that matters to me really, and the one that kind of negates all the red flags, is a genuine forthright sense of honesty.

all the red flags mentioned come from a woman being dishonest with herself and in turn dishonest with her mate. people beat each other up because they don't have the strength to admit to themselves when someone has hurt them, and to express that hurt to the other person in a mature fashion.

people play games so people get hurt.

but you find an honest woman, one who has the strength to tell it like it is and then resolve issues in an open and honest way - that's a keeper.

as for your gambling ex. ask yourself why you choose a guy with such issues. odds are it was because you have issues and his issues gave you permission to let your issues out on him without feeling guilty.

we are attracted to people with complimentary issues, because then a state of codependence is created. a state i like to call mutual narcissism.

anyway, good luck with your article. you seem a bit biased right off the bat, so i dont hold out any great hope of you enlightening people to the way forward.

the answer is and always has been the easiest and the hardest thing to do - honesty!

J

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by Maverick_DJ
I don't agree with the one about if she has slept with more people than a 3rd her age. That is bull****, if a man does it he's a stud if a woman does it shes a *****. ALL WRONG. What the **** does it matter how many peole shes been with? Really?

just my opinion as to why this matters so much to society. for a man the act of sex isnt very personal (emotional perhaps, but personal no). In the majority of cases nothing is being shoved into your body!

for a woman, its seen as much more personal. i mean, you're letting some man stick a part of his body into yours. plus, without protection, its the woman who will have to carry a baby around for 9 months.

as such, sex has a different connotation for women. its a much more invasive act. so women who freely allow men to invade their body are thought of as having no respect for their body, hence the derogatory term "slut"

plus, on top of that our mothers are our first relationship with the female gender. so we like to think that at the very core of a woman is a motherly caring figure. a woman who sleeps around excessively leaves the impression that at her core is not a motherly nurting center, but rather a wild sexual beast. this doesn't sit right with most men, and hence hte labelling of "slut"

although i do believe that my first explanation is more what its about. there is something about allowing a person to put a part of themselves INTO you that is seen as highly personal. at the end of the day the mans body, after sex, has not been invaded (unless they are into kinky stuff or are gay). A womans has, hence the very personal nature of sex to a woman. a woman who has no problem letting every tom **** and harry shove their meat into them, is seen as a slut, and perhaps rightly so?

J

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

People in general need to be less tolerant of negative behavior (e.g., laziness) in their daily lives and in their relationships. If your girlfriend is fat, and asks you if she's fat to fish for a compliment, instead of "no honey, you look great," your response should be "you really have the potential to look incredible, but you could afford to lose a few pounds." Yes, your girlfriend will probably get upset, but why should you give her an answer that will only perpetuate her fatness instead of motivating her to do something about it? She's *your* girlfriend. You have to spend time with her, you have to have sex with her, she's on your arm in public, and most important of all, you may end up marrying her. So if you see real potential in her, why not train her into becoming the woman of *your* dreams?

I agree with the premise of the above 100%, however if she's has weight problems when you first get together that's what you get. Trying to fix her is a waste of time. Believe me I've been with women (2) in the past who had some extra weight. I discreetly in a supportive way tried to get them to diet / exercise etc. Forget it. They start for a couple of weeks dieting / exercising then they quit and this cycle would repeat with each woman at various points.

The old adage "can't teach an old dog new tricks" applies here. Even when woman are relatively young. We (people in general) are creatures of habit and a woman with a weight issue is in the habit of not exercising or not eating a healthy diet and as said above unfortunately thats what you get. If you want a woman without a weight problem you need to find one like that from the start.

 

[x86]

*bump* because I have used this as a guide recently

 

[Purefilth]

Bump

 

[5string]

Could this be anothe BPD thread in disguise?

 

[bluenorther]

I've been over to Shrink4men.com. The Doctor is pretty sure the % of head cases out there is much higher than what the general consensus would like to believe.
Too bad, head cases tend to be the most interesting people out there.

 

[Powersurgeon]

What about a divorced woman because she cheated?