OK crew. A long road has led me here, on this message board. I met my wife at work while in the navy. She was 19. Things moved really quickly, and 5 months after that she was pregnant. She moved to shore duty. Shortly after that, we got married. Everything was great. We had another kid shortly after the birth of the first. 2 years and change into the marriage, I came home to a crying wife. She was telling me that she wanted a break. I had no idea there was anything wrong with our relationship. She told me I dont care about how I dress anymore, and that I never got her a ring (couldnt afford it at the time), how I dont show her attention while I'm at work, etc etc and that she wasn't in love with me. I was blindsided. We worked it out, and I told her that from now I can't fix anything if I don't know it's broken. I put the max effort in after that. I worked out, helped around the house, bought her a legit ring, bought new clothes, texted her consistently while I was at work, buying random gifts, etc etc. This seemed to be the best month of my marriage. Forward to a month later, at a social event for her work. She introduced me to a guy she works with, and his wife. At first it was cool. But then the guys wife ended up in the bathroom, throwing up all night from being too drunk. I quickly found myself as a third wheel. Back turned to me, my wife talking to him and laughing etc etc and completely giving me a cold shoulder. When I mentioned it, she started crying and we had to promptly leave. She said he was her mentor and just a really good friend, and that I ruined her night. I somehow ended up feeling bad. After that night, I tried to accept this friendship and move forward. But that gut feeling remained. A month later, I saw a text message. It was him, saying he loved her. I opened up a thread full of "I love you so much".When confronted, she got defensive and said that she loves him just as a friend. This never got fully resolved. She said she would stop telling him that she loved him. But, she refused to give him up as a friend. We moved on. But at this point I knew deep down. So I asked if she cheated on me. I was always very calm and even told her I would stay if she did. She always got defensive and told me to stop asking. So one day I wised up and checked my phone bill usage.Turns out, they texted 150-200 times a day. And pictures sent. Still, she never admitted to anything but an emotional affair. A week later, I called the guy. I met him, and he told me everything. (IDK his reasoning, honestly.) Naked pictures. Hanging out at work alot. A ******* one morning before work. A meeting one night when she claimed to be working, but "they didnt do anything that night." I got drunk, and it was a long night of me yelling at her. She said he was a mistake, that she didnt have feelings for him, etc etc. At the point in our marriage when I was trying my hardest, she was cheating. My eyes were opened, at least partially.Its at this point when I find out that she had daddy issues. I came to realize that the whole time I trusted her, she was a flirt, thriving off of male attention. A classic attention *****, if you will. Manipulative. And a liar. Always playing the victim card. Selfish.Regardless, I stayed. It was difficult. She cried and told me she loved me and she couldn't lose me. She said she would do whatever it would take to regain my trust. I said give me all your passwords and dont talk to your best guy friend from home (who I assume is her plan B, already presumed his love for her etc etc). The first resistance was the passwords. "I deserve privacy" and "you have to learn to trust me." This just two months after the incident. After fighting about it, I gave in. Then she meets a lesbian she works with, a boyish one. (my wife is sometimes interested in girls). Long story short, I told her I dont want her getting too close to her because I didnt trust her. She was basically a guy in my mind. Then I find out that she called the plan b guy. She said she wanted closure from not talking to him anymore. This lead to a fight where she actually admitted to being wrong and apologized and agreed to not talk to him anymore.Fast forward to this week. I am out to sea this month. I see that she hung out with the lesbian and another friend via pictures on facebook. Check phone record, see she texts her consistently. She had a plan to go to a festival with her friends for her birthday. I ask if the lesbian is going, and she says yes. I gave her **** for it, and it led to a fight where she ended up saying "this obviously isnt going to work, so why force it." She said I didnt want her to have friends (over one girl?), and that I was stopping her from living her life. That she refused to live her life like that. She proceeded to blame herself. "This will never work after what I did to you, you will never trust me, I need to find myself" etc etc. She was very short in conversations about "US" (as I have yet to previously mention, always has been). After two days We got over that, with me eventually having to give in once again. What could I do, in reality? I'm out to sea for a month. I work alot and I'm more responsible. I think she is having buyers remorse. Our entire relationship has been me constantly giving in and constantly putting in more work than her. And putting up with endless bull**** that she puts me through. She has the "I'm a princess" mentality and I have always done everything in my power to treat her as such. Please don't tell me what I should've done differently. If I could go back, theres a million things I would do different. I can't change that now. The past is the past. I'm sure 99 percent of you would say leave her, and trust me, if i didn't have two beautiful little girls, it would be long over. I realize that I have been a beta. Basically, a little *****, who she has lost respect for. I don't have options. I don't talk to many females because I have always been loyal, to the point where I barely talk to them just to make her not jealous. I've been all in, but she hasn't. Now I'm on the chopping block, right before she gets out of the navy and we move to chicago for my new orders (3 months from now). I don't want to leave her, because first off, I do love her. Somehow. And second, I can't imagine a life where I lose a custody battle, end up half way across the country from my kids, up to my eyeballs in debt from this marriage, watching my former wife going through her party phase and getting involved with multiple guys. So what I am asking, is where do I go from here. How can I take the red pill and get into a mindset that will make her want to stay? I want to avoid divorce if possible. I can't control her or how she feels. All I can do is change myself, to make myself appealing again. Help me out here. I know I've been stupid and a beta. I lost my alpha self when we got married. I've tried buying in all the conventional, feminist driven ways to make this marriage work, but made her lose respect for me in the process. So how do I go about changing? -Obviously, start working out again. -Continue with new clothes, cologne, etc -Stop caring who she talks to? As to be not as needy and controlling? For example, if she wants to go out for a girls night out at a bar, do I let her go and trust her fully (even though she doesn't deserve it) and show that it doesnt bother me? I feel like resistance would just result in her resenting me more. What do I do in this situation? -Start saying no. Like money, which is an issue for us. Start trying to control the money more? She is terrible with money and will spend spend spend like no other. All on herself of course. and out of the joint account. -Stop buying her so many gifts? We talked about 5 love languages and her first one was gifts. I rarely spend my own money on myself, and buy her stuff. -Should I tell her that if she doesnt shape up, I'll leave her? This could backfire and lead to things ending. Part of me feels like she just wants me to end it so she can play victim. But a bold move like this would put the ball in her court. I suppose ultimately, at this point, I should not show fear that I'm going to lose her. If this move would end it, then I guess I would just have to get the **** over it and accept it for what it is. And move on with life with a new outlook. -Stop trying to talk about "us" so much and where we stand and how she feels... She is always short and this leads nowhere. Her actions speak louder than her lack of words. Should I just not bring "us" up, and let her come to me if she wants to talk? -Should I act like I care less? -Go out with my friends more with out her? -Should I flirt with other girls in front of her? Try to pull numbers? I know I need to act in a way that other girls want me. And she has to see that. I'm an attractive guy, extremely good at my job and have made rank fairly quickly, charasmatic and confident (since I have gotten over the insecurities of being cheated on). I used to pull girls regularly, it's just that I haven't tried in a long time. I've been in a married beta mindset. Shes out evaluating her SVM, and although I get female attention from time to time, I never entertain it. I guess what I am asking is, how far do I go with other females to show her I have options still? I know I'm capable of anything.
Thanks for reading, and any tips you have MOVING FORWARD for me are greatly appreciated. I want to buy into this mindset, this way of life, this reality that you guys have. I stopped playing the game a long time ago, but now I realize the game never stops even in marriage. I need to step my alpha game up and have a new mindset.
Thanks for reading, and any tips you have MOVING FORWARD for me are greatly appreciated. I want to buy into this mindset, this way of life, this reality that you guys have. I stopped playing the game a long time ago, but now I realize the game never stops even in marriage. I need to step my alpha game up and have a new mindset.
