I'm scared of myself. I think I've lost it. I feel unstable.

[Korrupt]

I'm quickly losing my sanity. Honestly I feel *possibly* bipolar and on the verge of violent schizophrenia.

-I'm angry. All. The. Time. Sometimes it feels good. Most of the time it's crippling.

-I only sleep well 50% of the time. My work schedule and night owl personality don't mesh, which leads to a screwed up sleep-wake schedule and, ultimately, exhausted.

-Fighting hair loss with strong prescription drugs that change hormones isn't fun.

-I'm depressed. My life is great--great parents, good job, roof over my head, etc... But I have no social circle, my best friends are far and busy, and the amount of compounding rejecting and bullsh!t from women has defeated me. I barely have the will to keep trying in this "dating game".

-My inhumanely high, insatiable sex drive is the only thing stopping me from becoming asexual. However, it just makes the last point (above) much, much worse. Porn and even beautiful women actually depress me at this point, because I'm completely barren of serious prospects and haven't been with a woman I'm legitimately attracted to in months.

-I hate going to work everyday. It's a waste of my time and life. I've only been working for ~2 years, but I honestly believe no amount of money is worth the invaluable time I lose "working".

I'm afraid to post more about my thoughts and feelings. Let's just say I have a very warped, cruel, and, in some cases, unnecessary sense of justice The things that go through my head everyday are scary.

Everything--my whole life--seems pointless.

Has anyone gone through something like this and made it out alive, free (not in prison), and, ultimately, happy?

 

[ArcBound]

Shoot me a msg

 

[corrector]

It sounds like you have some depression or reaction from being involuntary celibate. You are saying that, in your world, you find no relief in porn and that gets you depressed. Also, just seeing beautiful women depresses you, since you can not get one.

It says you have not been with a woman you legitimately liked for months? Can you tell us about some of the women, whom you've legitimately liked in the past? How long ago was this? What did you do to attract them into your life in the first place?

Here are just some suggestions based on what you wrote. Maybe you should stop taking hair-loss drugs and go with the bald look, or try a toupee instead? Perhaps the hormonal changes could be causing this depression? At least rule it out and see if you feel back to normal. You mentioned bipolar and possible violent schizophrenia? Did a doctor tell you that or are you self-labeling based on research online? These are strong labels to give yourself, be careful with that. Do you like your job? Maybe you should rule these things out before jumping at involuntary celibacy as the source of the depression.

I do not believe you have a great life if you are unable to attract a woman that you legitimately like and not a gold-digger sort and don't have a social circle. That sounds very imbalanced. I think you should find God and simply kneel and pray until you feel that He is listening to you....then cry out to Him. Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and SAVES those who are of crushed spirit".

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Setting goals for yourself helps a lot. It will motivate you to push toward something. Set many at once, and when you reach them all in 2-3 years you are a much stronger version of yourself. There will never be a "Final product" because you should never stop improving, but make a list of 5 things you want to change about yourself within a year or two and chip away every day. I know this sounds cliche, but once you've hit rock bottom you'll throw yourself at these goals like throwing **** at a wall, hoping something sticks, because you've got nothing left to lose.

I've been on the opposite end of the spectrum, where I had buckets of cash and time to myself. I began sleeping until 2 pm every day and feeling very unproductive. After a while I actually began to miss work and the routine. I got a job now that I'm putting about 50 hours a week into including commute, and yes I miss my free time, but I'm making money again and it fixed my dreadful sleep patterns. It kinda killed 2 birds with one stone. I'm sure I'll get burnout again in a year or 2 because life moves in cycles. Bad jobs suck, but leaving them is ONLY good IF you have a plan to make it in business on your own. Unlimited free time to do nothing is unmasculine and will get tiring fast. What is your jobs' policy on unpaid leave of absence? Take 30 days, go to Europe or Asia with just a backpack, and you'll come back a changed man. Happened to me.

I've also been there with the anger. GUIDED meditation helps. Listen to the guided tapes on youtube. It won't necessarily take the jadedness or bitterness away, but it will help with the rage. You won't be so easily triggered. I'm still very bitter about life at times just like you, but I don't feel "on the edge" all the time anymore.

All of life is "pointless" in theory. But you're here now. So assuming you're not going to kill yourself, you have to begin to make the best of what you've got because what are your other options?

 

[dustmuffin]

You need professional help. Find a doctor and therapist. Although well meaning, advice from a message board can't offer you all of the help you need.

 

[martina]

Consult a doctor that's the best option.