How to deal with a bully

[Stephen89]

So I go to football practice, I'm 27 and this guy is 37 with 2 young children and a wife.

I remember I went to the pub with him and some people and he made a comment about "I look in the mirror trying to like a barbie girl".

On Tuesday at soccer practice in the park. this new guy was playing well and the guy said "his our secret weapon" and the 36 year old guy with 2 children remarked "who, my name" sarcastically and people started smirking.

He obviously holds me in low regard and makes fun just to have a few laughs. I'm sure he'll say it again some time.

He obviously has no respect for me and holds me in low regards. He doesn't say any demeaning comments about/to other people, only to me.

I've told him I've had a few interview offers for Computing and IT jobs and I'm seeking software offers. He said something like "there is a lot of applications", how the hell does he know there is a lot of applications? I applied for a post which there was no applications and I was the first applicant and got an interview.

He has not done well in his career at all, he is just a 'records assistant', he is not a manager, not in a senior position.

I'm been developing my own apps and someone has told me I'm good enough to also run a side app business on top of my career. Which I will do.

So what can I do? How do I handle this and fight back? He only targets me.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Why are you speaking to him at all? If he says something to you at football, call him a faggot. If he wants to fight, tell him you don't want a gay man touching you. If he pushes you, put his ass in a wheelchair.

 

[Asmodeus]

So I go to football practice, I'm 27 and this guy is 37 with 2 young children and a wife.

I remember I went to the pub with him and some people and he made a comment about "I look in the mirror trying to like a barbie girl".

On Tuesday at soccer practice in the park. this new guy was playing well and the guy said "his our secret weapon" and the 36 year old guy with 2 children remarked "who, my name" sarcastically and people started smirking.

He obviously holds me in low regard and makes fun just to have a few laughs. I'm sure he'll say it again some time.

He obviously has no respect for me and holds me in low regards. He doesn't say any demeaning comments about/to other people, only to me.

I've told him I've had a few interview offers for Computing and IT jobs and I'm seeking software offers. He said something like "there is a lot of applications", how the hell does he know there is a lot of applications? I applied for a post which there was no applications and I was the first applicant and got an interview.

He has not done well in his career at all, he is just a 'records assistant', he is not a manager, not in a senior position.

I'm been developing my own apps and someone has told me I'm good enough to also run a side app business on top of my career. Which I will do.

So what can I do? How do I handle this and fight back? He only targets me.

This is one of the seven deadly sins, envy...
He envies that you are the "secret weapon" of the team. He envies that you are younger and on the upside of you life, because he has not done too well in his career. He envies your looks (thus taunting you by calling you Barbie). You think he hates you, however in retrospect he wishes he was you... He looks at you and sees his own reflection, a reflection of how much of a failure and a waste he has become. His real anger and disgust is not at you but himself. He is using ego defense mechanisms of denial, projection, and displacement to deal with his envy...

My recommendation... Tell him how successful you are, tell him how many beautiful women you date, rub salt on that envious wound in his ego. Make him feel like he is even more inferior.... Bury his ego with his envy.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, somehow you are telegraphing weakness to him. Nobody EVER fvcks with me, because I project strength of character. He definitely doesn't see that in you.

Usually in a group of men, a new guy is tested by teasing/banter by the alphas of the group. How did you handle those tests when you first joined?

When I was young I had a job fixing printing presses on-site. I visited this company for the first time, and the guys there put me to the test. One of them said something about my abilities (which had no basis in reality, just a test) and I laughed along with them and AGREED, saying "How did you figure out I have no idea WTF I'm doing? Buy the time I get finished this thing will be a dish washer".

They laughed and one of them said with great enthusiasm, "This guy is all right". That was HUGE lesson for me in life. My former self would have felt intimidated and their comments would have shot down my self-esteem. The way I handled it this time was entirely an experiment. I walked away feeling totally accepted by this gang of tough guys and I said to myself, "So THAT is how to handle ribbing like that". Ever since, I have found acceptance in groups by simply smiling and laughing at their comments and even amplifying them, showing them that I am not rattled.

Does this technique sound familiar to what is taught here at SS when dealing with women? Same principle... agree & amplify.

But it's too late for that now, as you probably failed that initial testing. Now you're a target for this bully. Plan "A" is to show you're not rattled, to take it good-naturedly and perhaps come back with witty comments, if you have the wit.

Plan "B" is to ignore him completely. Make him a non-entity. Look at him like you feel sorry for him (like the poor guy must have no social intelligence) and the others around will eventually pick up on your energy and start realizing that the guy is a total douche. They will turn against him.

When I played football in my twenties and thirties I played in the Bronx, probably the toughest place in the country to play. If I had an issue with anybody out on the field, say someone had singled me out to pick on, during the next couple of plays I would deviate from the play and head right for him and put him on his ass with utter violence. I wouldn't say a word. Then a couple plays later I would go back to normal play. The guy would never bother me again because I showed I had teeth and would insanely attack him if I found it necessary. He would respect that and back off.

Plan A: Show you're not rattled, come back with witty phrases but NEVER show you're bothered by what he says.

Plan B: Ignore and wait for the others to realize what a douche he is.

Plan C: Destroy him several times during plays with utter violence, even breaking rules and receiving penalties if necessary.

You are a weakling in his eyes. Figure out why and take control of this situation.

 

[Trunks]

I would just ignore him and not talk to him. Who gives a fudge what some l0ser thinks about you? Most important is to not be telling him anything.

But if you really want a comeback: next time he says whatever about you in front of other people, just stop, with a slight grin (the ones that make you look half playful, half serious) and say: "what's the matter? are you as insecure as you appear or maybe just weren't breast fed?").

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks for replying to my threads guys, I really appreciate it.

I'll ignore him and I'm not bothered by his comments, which he'll look like a douche since I'm not reacting and also doing well in my life.

I know he is secretly jealous that I am younger and the likelihood is, I will be more successful than him career and financially. He hasn't even got a proper career, he is not in accounting, finance, management, computing, law, engineering, I doubt he'll go high up in his career and I doubt he'll ever be a manager. I know through my friends their dad's, uncles who are senior project managers and also a technical architect and this guy is earning over $120k a year, he will never, ever go that far.

Also, in my opinion, he is dissatisfied with his job, he did say to me a year ago "at the end of the day, a job is a job".

Either way, I know I've won here, simply because I'm young, with a rewarding career ahead of me with a very good chance of marrying a quality women.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think both of you have self-esteem issues. He acts them out by bullying and yours manifest themselves by you allowing yourself to be bullied.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. That's not the measure of a person. There's a lot more to you than your job or the money you make.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Don't worry about feeling "better" than him because you make money have more mental potential. Worry about the physical realm and he's identified a soft spot he's trying to exploit.

You can ignore bullies, or you can hit them in the mouth. I'd take care of him on the field.

 

[Stephen89]

So this guy selects the teams and we are playing two footie matches tomorrow there are 21 players out of 22 and he has selected me to play two matches with my younger cousin being captain.

This guy obviously wants to embarrass me and show me up.

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks man.

He will only shut up once I'm into my career and getting dates, until then he will think I'm some loser because he wants me to fail.

However being 27 with everything falling into place for me, I have a great advantage to shut him up.

I'm already in the process of setting up a business alongside the career and this is real world leadership. He thinks he can show me up at amatuer footie matches. However in the real world I will be financially successful.

I'm confident enough to approach attractive women and I'm sure I will get dates.

He knows I have to marry and one day settle down, why not go for an attractive women? This thought will send fear into his heart.

I've lost my mother at the age of 11, no compassion at all. He really doesn't care at all. Has no regard what other people have went through.

 

[Trunks]

It's a waste of time to care about what other people think of you. If you have to compete against someone, make that yourself in order to keep improving.

 

[LiveFreeX]

They laughed and one of them said with great enthusiasm, "This guy is all right". That was HUGE lesson for me in life. My former self would have felt intimidated and their comments would have shot down my self-esteem.

Confirmed, this also works... most of the time. But some people are just jealous a33holes, usually the ones where their girl has made a positive comment about you. Those ones you can't reason with, they are out for blood.

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks guys.

I know the bully and even a few others are trying to ruin my dignity. However it's just not going to work since I am going into a well paid career and making a huge success out of me.

Things have been said about me, but they hardly know me.

Anyway also they know I have to marry one day and I'm confident taking to attractive women.

The irony is I'm in a good career with my own life and going to be very financially successful. They want to deny and ignore this, don't even get acknowledgment for doing well.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Good for you for doing well, but let me tell you a secret: no one gives a sh!t about your career or your bank account. That's not much of a measure of a man, especially when it comes to getting bullied at soccer practice. You need to man up in a psychological sense. It has nothing to do with money; it's more about how you conceive your own value as a person. You have the choice of thinking that either you do deserve to get bullied, or you don't. You're the only one who can make that decision. Good luck, my friend.

 

[guru1000]

Innocently antagonize him, under the guise of befriending him, until he assaults you. Then crack him in the jaw.

 

[ubercat]

If it does get physical just block his punches and kick him in the shins everyone look stupid hopping around on one foot. Hitting someone in the head is a very bad idea you might break your own hand or worse they might fall down and hit their head

 

[Who Dares Win]

I believe you give too much weight to your finances and professional accomplishments, its not about that.

I dont know the streght and size ratio between you but given that you're intimidated and he is confident I would say its not the field you wanna face him.

Much more clever to go mocking way as many suggest here, call him creepy cause he is obsessed about you or even ask him if he wants an autographed picture of you for his kids...pause and then say "or maybe for your wife".

Mock him heavier saying how lucky his kids are to have such a funny father or that if he finds you so interesting maybe you can have dinner togheter and maybe his wife will too.

Just calibrate this stuff according to the environment, hinting you banging his wife will surely resize his weight in the group but its a heavy shot.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Essentially you want to subtly diminish him. If you practice you can find the place where you publically convey that you feel a bit sorry for him, that he is a waste of time and effort to even acknowledge, and by all means, that you are superior to him but won't sink to his level. These are principles that can't be taught but must be discovered. Leverage the public to your point of view. What YOU believe, they will start to believe. Once he senses that the core group is against him, he will change his ways. His realization of this will happen very slowly.

The other side of the coin is that if he is over-the-top aggressive with you, then a direct confrontation may be in order. For some inspiration on how to handle bullies, check out Gordon Ramsay, who is himself a bully, on Kitchen Nightmares. Say what you will, but I love the way the guy stands up to arrogant bullies.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Right.

I would add my own perspective, which is to measure your worth by the way you handle life and how you handle opposition.

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks for the all replies.

I had the footie games yesterday and nothing happened with me and the bully, we just played the games as normal.

First of all, I don't have a high horse mentality.

I'm a very humble and friendly guy. If you are friendly with me, I'll be friendly to you 10 times back. I'm very compassionate as I've lost my mother at a young age.

I'm kind and friendly to everyone. People always have a smile on their face when they come to me because they know I'm a nice person. They even say I'm a very good person.

My cousin who went to a special school and he has not done very well in his life however he is in childcare, this guy took advantage of him and told him can you cut these papers for me at one party last year, he could not cut him himself.

I've done nothing wrong and this guy has been digging at me for some time, not just now, before too.

He doesn't have a great mentality towards my father too.

I also failed and dropped out of my first year of uni many years ago and this guy told everyone you know this guy from this place has dropped uni and I worked in a supermarket to try and find my career again and he was talking the diss as I was a supermarket worker.

The reason why I put the age and finances up is I want to prove him wrong and to show him.

He is the one who started it all, I've done nothing wrong.

Also he ignores inviting me to mens health challenges etc, his friends suggest me but he says no. This is many years now.