LiveYourDream
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2014
- Messages
- 1,688
- Reaction score
- 1,743
- Location
- From the Heart and Soul, of a Woman
TL;DR I'll be gone from SS for a bit to be with my Dad. I'll may be back soon or maybe later. Depends on life. Please excuse my walking away mid conversations. I can't make up surface replies just to tie things up. The conversations and your replies really touch me and I appreciate them so much. For now, my time and attention takes me to my Dad. I appreciate your understanding.
I logged on to connect and share back on some threads I started. Before I could respond my phone rang and it was my father calling to tell me he is not doing well. He feels his heart failing. I love him so much. We had a great conversation, full of love and clear heartfelt connection. I am in tears. It gets really pin point when someone tells you they feel their transition (fast) approaching, yet perhaps a bit a way.
He has seemingly been riding the edge, as has my mother and step mother, for quite a while. Each day is a blessing. It's so hard to face the inevitable transition of those you love. I do my best, my very best to just love them with all I am along the way. It's so hard when you feel them slipping and know there is nothing you can do, that your time with them is coming to a close (at least in this form).
I woke up devastated Wednesday. I had just dreamt/experienced my brother dying. Nothing about it resembled this life, expect the clarity that it was I, loving him, my brother with all my heart and grieving his passing, that had just occurred as I was discussing arrangements with two others. I was gutted and enveloped in how much I love/d him and the hole I felt in his absence. I woke up stunned and feeling so much grief. It was so real. The grief was so present.
My same brother (as I experience/know him in this reality) passed three and half years ago. He was the kindest person I have ever known. He was a truly amazing Being. He found out he had terminal cancer. I spent every day I could with him in that last year, when I wasn't busy taking care of my mom or another woman in my care. It worked out to 9 months of the 12. I sat in a little tiny room with him, 1 on 1, last ten days of his life, to love him along his way. I love him so much. I told him I would be there with him when he transitioned and I was. Just me and him and all that is unseen. God Bless him.
The day after the dream about my brother, Thursday I woke up in grief, as I had just dreamt/experienced my grandma died. Again, nothing about resembled this life, except, for the essences of myself, my brother, my mother, father, some conflict with another brother. In this one, I was having to tell my brother, (the one I spoke of above) of her passing. They were incredibly close. He could tell from my tone that I was going to say someone had passed but wasn't sure if I was going to say my mom or my grandma. I could feel/see his fear. I told him it was our grandma and I felt his heartbreak of knowing there is no more (at least as we know it here.) He was closer to her in someways then either my mom or dad. It was a huge loss. There were some other parts in the dream that followed and then I woke up feeling devastated. By the way, she passed long, long ago, in this life anyway.
There I was lying in bed, feeling devastated wondering WTF. In my dreams, that felt 1000% real, my brother had died yesterday and my grandma today. What was going on? Is something coming? Why did I experience these? I rarely, rarely, rarely dream about those I interact with in my waking life. I can think of maybe 3 other dreams with family members, in my whole life.
I felt shocked as if their passings in my dreamtime brought grief and loss that were real to me right now. I know my time with my parents is really limited. I feel it everyday. After I woke up from my dream of my grandma, following my brother, I went and spent the day with my mother. I had one of the best days of my whole life with her. It wasn't about what we were doing. It was just, me being me, her being her, no inhibitions with one another, just openness, acceptance, and loving between us. Don't misunderstand our relationship has been far at the other end of the spectrum. We've both have shown up to embrace one another with love, as we journey forward. Yesterday was the richest most full experiences I have had so far, in this life with her. It was a blessing beyond.
Then there is this morning. I sit down to log in here and read and reply to the threads I started. Different insights and reflections have occurred for me on the topics I started. Each topic is deep for me, in way perhaps not immediately apparent. Posting them spurred more thoughts and insights about them and how I am and live my life and more to share and more to ask. I was here to read what was shared, to learn and to share in return.
Then the call with my dad. My face is plastered with tears. My heart overflows with love and yet just doesn't know how to let go of my father, mother and my step mother, gracefully, without resistance.
I asked my dad what it was like for him to be looking at his own death approaching. His answer was so wise, and made me laugh so hard too. I can share about it another time.
It gets really, really really real when someone is in the process of passing, unless you deny it I guess. My brother and I had amazing conversations together. When you know you'll never get to talk to someone again, what do you choose to talk about. How do you fit in all those conversations you expected to share over decades more together into a condensed window. What seems important sure changes.
I logged on to connect and share back on some threads I started. Before I could respond my phone rang and it was my father calling to tell me he is not doing well. He feels his heart failing. I love him so much. We had a great conversation, full of love and clear heartfelt connection. I am in tears. It gets really pin point when someone tells you they feel their transition (fast) approaching, yet perhaps a bit a way.
He has seemingly been riding the edge, as has my mother and step mother, for quite a while. Each day is a blessing. It's so hard to face the inevitable transition of those you love. I do my best, my very best to just love them with all I am along the way. It's so hard when you feel them slipping and know there is nothing you can do, that your time with them is coming to a close (at least in this form).
I woke up devastated Wednesday. I had just dreamt/experienced my brother dying. Nothing about it resembled this life, expect the clarity that it was I, loving him, my brother with all my heart and grieving his passing, that had just occurred as I was discussing arrangements with two others. I was gutted and enveloped in how much I love/d him and the hole I felt in his absence. I woke up stunned and feeling so much grief. It was so real. The grief was so present.
My same brother (as I experience/know him in this reality) passed three and half years ago. He was the kindest person I have ever known. He was a truly amazing Being. He found out he had terminal cancer. I spent every day I could with him in that last year, when I wasn't busy taking care of my mom or another woman in my care. It worked out to 9 months of the 12. I sat in a little tiny room with him, 1 on 1, last ten days of his life, to love him along his way. I love him so much. I told him I would be there with him when he transitioned and I was. Just me and him and all that is unseen. God Bless him.
The day after the dream about my brother, Thursday I woke up in grief, as I had just dreamt/experienced my grandma died. Again, nothing about resembled this life, except, for the essences of myself, my brother, my mother, father, some conflict with another brother. In this one, I was having to tell my brother, (the one I spoke of above) of her passing. They were incredibly close. He could tell from my tone that I was going to say someone had passed but wasn't sure if I was going to say my mom or my grandma. I could feel/see his fear. I told him it was our grandma and I felt his heartbreak of knowing there is no more (at least as we know it here.) He was closer to her in someways then either my mom or dad. It was a huge loss. There were some other parts in the dream that followed and then I woke up feeling devastated. By the way, she passed long, long ago, in this life anyway.
There I was lying in bed, feeling devastated wondering WTF. In my dreams, that felt 1000% real, my brother had died yesterday and my grandma today. What was going on? Is something coming? Why did I experience these? I rarely, rarely, rarely dream about those I interact with in my waking life. I can think of maybe 3 other dreams with family members, in my whole life.
I felt shocked as if their passings in my dreamtime brought grief and loss that were real to me right now. I know my time with my parents is really limited. I feel it everyday. After I woke up from my dream of my grandma, following my brother, I went and spent the day with my mother. I had one of the best days of my whole life with her. It wasn't about what we were doing. It was just, me being me, her being her, no inhibitions with one another, just openness, acceptance, and loving between us. Don't misunderstand our relationship has been far at the other end of the spectrum. We've both have shown up to embrace one another with love, as we journey forward. Yesterday was the richest most full experiences I have had so far, in this life with her. It was a blessing beyond.
Then there is this morning. I sit down to log in here and read and reply to the threads I started. Different insights and reflections have occurred for me on the topics I started. Each topic is deep for me, in way perhaps not immediately apparent. Posting them spurred more thoughts and insights about them and how I am and live my life and more to share and more to ask. I was here to read what was shared, to learn and to share in return.
Then the call with my dad. My face is plastered with tears. My heart overflows with love and yet just doesn't know how to let go of my father, mother and my step mother, gracefully, without resistance.
I asked my dad what it was like for him to be looking at his own death approaching. His answer was so wise, and made me laugh so hard too. I can share about it another time.
It gets really, really really real when someone is in the process of passing, unless you deny it I guess. My brother and I had amazing conversations together. When you know you'll never get to talk to someone again, what do you choose to talk about. How do you fit in all those conversations you expected to share over decades more together into a condensed window. What seems important sure changes.
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