Confidence

[zekko]

I must respectfully disagree with the assertion that a woman can only have confidence vis a vis her sexuality ...<snip>... Men frequently remark how unusual and refreshing it is to be honest..

We're speaking generally here. The fact that men remark that your confidence is unusual shows that is a relatively rare trait in women. Also, we're not saying that women cannot be confident in different areas, we're talking about confidence as it attracts the opposite sex. In some cases, a woman's confidence in her sexuality might be sexually appealing. Generally speaking, her confidence in the boardroom is not. It may be admirable, but it's not really a turn on.

I also disagree that confidence in a man requires high SMV or great success. I have a crackerjack tradesperson who works for me some 10 years or so, is not attractive, is not wealthy; he lives modestly and day to day, but he exhibits confidence in who he is, what he does, and how he leads his life; he is fair, reasonable, and expects to be respected as a man.

And yes I respect him.

Again, we're talking about confidence as it attracts the opposite sex. It's great that this guy is comfortable in his own skin. You respect him, but are you turned on by him? If so, are you saying you find his confidence appealing even though his SMV is low? Or is it possible his confidence, or comfort with himself and his lifestyle, actually raises his SMV?

 

[Alvafe]

I must respectfully disagree with the assertion that a woman can only have confidence vis a vis her sexuality. That's silly. I am confident in many areas. I do not require "complex social networks" and I am just as at ease with or without make up, dressed up or dressed down, alone or with people, in NYC or in Podunk or anywhere. I often have to make substantive decisions for which I am fully accountable. I have become who I am and what I am as a result of my inner stability and groundedness. I exude natural confidence as a result in many situations. Men frequently remark how unusual and refreshing it is to be honest.

Additionally I've been told I have "presence" since I was a teen, more times than I can remember, and I still hear that.

Confidence I understand and know it can be learned. Presence is similar but more ephemeral. I have it, whatever it is according to others, which is cool but I don't worry too much about it. It's just an interesting observation I've heard for decades. Maybe it's innate somehow. I've no idea. It just IS.

So it's not as though the view noted above regarding women is untrue most of the time...I agree that for many, perhaps even most women that assertion is accurate. It is not when applied to me. I know other women (not many but some) to whom likewise this assertion would not apply.

Generalizations forget about outliers. ALL is always too broad a brush.

I also disagree that confidence in a man requires high SMV or great success. I have a crackerjack tradesperson who works for me some 10 years or so, is not attractive, is not wealthy; he lives modestly and day to day, but he exhibits confidence in who he is, what he does, and how he leads his life; he is fair, reasonable, and expects to be respected as a man.

And yes I respect him.

I don't remember we saying confidence require a man with high SMV or great sucess, we said having success and being in a good place makes you have that confidence.

I don't consider presence being the same as confidence, presence is more the first impression, something who amkes you be notice the when you enter the room, I have that, people I hardly know says this, but its not the same as confidence, confidence will make you do what you want/need/wish for and do it, presence is just you will be noted, with really never did help me much.

 

[Glumix]

I agree with everything you've said. They can be confident in their sexuality. But I've found that deep inside, every woman is a cauldron of conflicting emotions and insecurity. Hence their need for a complex social web. Without that web supporting them, they usually collapse emotionally.

"Confidence" outside of their sexuality comes from feeling the need to paint a veneer in order to gain credibility in male activities. This is similar to the artificial physical veneer on their faces. To a woman, all things are external.

This is why they have to walk around saying, "I'm a strong and confident woman, or, "I'm empowered". SMH. It all comes from the media.

Obviously, when one bases his explanations on feminism then he completely miss what the true feminine is. Actually, I think that for a woman, everything is emotional and recently I started to think that all human interactions are purely emotional.

Feminism draw a model of the reality that is what it is. It gives people a reference they can follow. Good or bad, we do not really care because everybody draw its own model of the reality. You cannot judge another reality because it is not yours and you have your own reality. And you do not care about another reality as long as you are not part of it. Plus, everyone's reality changes with time. And, often, we have multiple realities we expose differently whenever we talk to friends, family or lovers.

Human beings are attracted to what they need to evolve and to individuate themselves. When you have a high level of individuation then you will need a person with a high level of individuation otherwise you will find him/her dull or empty and so you will not be sexually attracted to that person.

I think that confidence is one trait, among many others, that define the level of individuation of a man. Thus, women are not attracted to confidence itself, but to the whole set of traits that define the level of individuation of a man or perhaps to the confidence in which he expresses his masculinity.

Women can be confident as well but they will express confidence differently. Feminism tends to tell women that they have to express confidence in a masculine way. But real women will not do that. They will express confidence in a feminine way thus they will appear more feminine.

But what will make a woman want to create a relationship with you (and she will "buy" that relationship with sex) is the opportunity you give her to go to the next level of individuation and for that relationship to "work" she will have to reciprocate.

In a relationship, problems arise when one evolved and the other did not or when both feel that they are not evolving anymore.

TL;DR: Women are attracted to confident men because confident men seem more individuated.

 

[MrWood]

a man with confidence allows a woman to feel "safe", ie.. "he provides her confidence in her own sexuality toward him so she may submit herself to him in all ways"

in another forum discussion about when a woman says she feels :safe: with a man.
safe and confidence are nearly almost always used together or in conjunction when I hear woman say such things.

 

[Atom Smasher]

"I must respectfully disagree with the assertion that a woman can only have confidence vis a vis her sexuality. That's silly. I am confident in many areas. I do not require "complex social networks" and I am just as at ease with or without make up, dressed up or dressed down, alone or with people, in NYC or in Podunk or anywhere. I often have to make substantive decisions for which I am fully accountable. I have become who I am and what I am as a result of my inner stability and groundedness. I exude natural confidence as a result in many situations. Men frequently remark how unusual and refreshing it is to be honest.

Additionally I've been told I have "presence" since I was a teen, more times than I can remember, and I still hear that.

Confidence I understand and know it can be learned. Presence is similar but more ephemeral. I have it, whatever it is according to others, which is cool but I don't worry too much about it. It's just an interesting observation I've heard for decades. Maybe it's innate somehow. I've no idea. It just IS.

So it's not as though the view noted above regarding women is untrue most of the time...I agree that for many, perhaps even most women that assertion is accurate. It is not when applied to me. I know other women (not many but some) to whom likewise this assertion would not apply.

Generalizations forget about outliers. ALL is always too broad a brush.

I also disagree that confidence in a man requires high SMV or great success. I have a crackerjack tradesperson who works for me some 10 years or so, is not attractive, is not wealthy; he lives modestly and day to day, but he exhibits confidence in who he is, what he does, and how he leads his life; he is fair, reasonable, and expects to be respected as a man.

And yes I respect him."


"I..... I..... I.....I....."

Your own experience does not reflect that of the average woman. The average woman does not hang out on men's forums, do they? Therefore, your personal experience and perceptions are far from representative of most women.

The older one gets, the more one realizes that the mechanisms of female psychology are astoundingly universal.

Do you notice, guys, how she applies everything that was said to her, personally? A perfect illustration of female solipsism.

 

[BeExcellent]

Meh,

The men here speak from their own personal experience too. I'm no different in that regard. That doesn't make my perspective any more or less valid. The point is that there are lots of younger gents seeking advice from the older gents here. I'm not sure the 'all women are insecure/all women make all decisions from emotion/all women are solipsistic/all women are xyz' is necessarily helpful because those things are not always true.

I'm simply saying there are exceptions. My perspective is vastly different that that of many women. But it exists. Other women like me exist. Take or leave my contributions, they are offered for the benefit of others, just as the contributions of other posters are.

I think @Glumix was on point. Attractive people and intrinsically confident people are highly developed individuals. Their confidence comes from this personal development. I further agree that in a dating situation people seek a partner (for LTR at any rate) who is similar to them in that regard.

When someone is truly confident in a skill set, characteristic or ability it isn't compartmentalized to that thing or set of things. It tends to affect a person's vibe and the energy others perceive from them in social interactions. That in turn has a positive effect on interactions with others. It can raise SMV and it can translate into greater attractiveness which manifests directly from that person's own sense of personal accomplishment and worth.

 

[BeExcellent]

@zekko, in answer to your question, yes I find the tradesman's confidence appealing. It reinforces the trust I have in him. He doesn't seem to have trouble getting dates or girlfriends either, my guess is his confidence does positively impact his SMV.

He is not my cup of tea romantically at all as a heavy smoker who I don't find age appropriate or physically appealing, but he seems to do fine with the ladies on his own terms.

But I genuinely respect him and greatly appreciate him and I tell him that often.

 

[ChrisFloyd]

@zekko, in answer to your question, yes I find the tradesman's confidence appealing. It reinforces the trust I have in him. He doesn't seem to have trouble getting dates or girlfriends either, my guess is his confidence does positively impact his SMV.

He is not my cup of tea romantically at all as a heavy smoker who I don't find age appropriate or physically appealing, but he seems to do fine with the ladies on his own terms.

But I genuinely respect him and greatly appreciate him and I tell him that often.

Objectively speaking, how old do you think you look?

And as you observe, what age range of men are attracted to you the most?

Also, what age range of men that you normally find yourself attracted to?

 

[Serenity]

@BeExcellent Not sure how this happened, but apparently the Glumix tag got my user ID so I got the alert.

 

[guru1000]

Grewd, this means you are a popular Sosuaver when your name is cited without being cited, lol.

BeExcellent is correct when she states confidence can originate from mastery of any pursuit, not only money and looks--and that confidence, to the extent it's not arrogance, is universally attractive. While confidence may not secure a HB9 for a 4, it could certainly help one wedge 1 or 2 pts higher in the SMV scale. Personality and attitude, which both exhibit one's confident core, are important attributes for a DJ. Let's not discount that gentlemen.

 

[BeExcellent]

I really don't want to get off topic but I'll answer @ChrisFloyd's questions.

I am often told by people I look mid-30s and/or 10 years younger than I am.

Depending on venue age 30 & up. Most frequently late 30s through mid 50s. Once in a while younger than 30, which is just strange.

I prefer men around my same age or a little older. So 45ish to 53ish. I prefer similar life experience & cultural rapport and shy away from much younger or older.

 

[Çharismo]

Interesting point-of-views...really cool stuff. I enjoyed reading all of the replies.

I believe confidence is something that gradually develops in a person throughout the course of there lives. Most people define & derive (key word) there confidence based of there wealth, looks, physique, intelligence, skills they possess, popularity, status, the amount of knowledge they have, fame, career, talent, a following that they might have, a degree, there ability to lead...etc...but when you slooooowly peel away all of that you will realize that it is from a very superficial/artificial level. These are constructs of the EGO (hence the term --- ego-attachments or ego-identification).

If you strip a person of whatever they are supposedly confident of...what is it that is left? What is at the core?. Another aspect of superficial/artificial CON-fidence is when individuals are trying to compensate for something that they obviously are lacking. For example, I've met people who were swimming in money and seemed very confident, braggadocios, came across as if they had it together... but as I began to associate with them I realized that they were hollow on the inside...riddled with insecurities & low SELF-esteem rather than being filled with SELF-love. Even the concept of "fake it till you make it" should be a clue as to how a lot of people approach developing CON-fidence because in the end that is what it becomes...a big CON...

Real, authentic, true confidence is an absolute belief in yourself that no matter what you will be alright regardless of your circumstances, environment, or your situation. The ability to maintain humility and deal with life's challenges and setbacks by always moving forward. The ability to keep going even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's a gradual and smooth process and sometimes it's a dangerous & painful process but these are gifts that life gives you and helps you to grow and mature while staying cool, calm & collected. Staying comfortable in your skin.

One of the by products of confidence that naturally develop for most men and something a lot of women positively respond to is dominance---(not domineering) which includes, intellectual, verbal, height, physical, social and most of all sexual -- dominance. Of course there is high & low-dominance as well but that's a whole another topic. It begins to emanate from your core until you assert (not exert) it naturally (hence the term natural dominance...and just for the record I'm not talking about B-D-S-M ). Your inner-world aligns with your outer-world and you achieve a mind, body and spirit connection.

 

[zekko]

I believe confidence is something that gradually develops in a person throughout the course of there lives. Most people define & derive (key word) there confidence based of there wealth, looks, physique, intelligence, skills they possess, popularity, status, the amount of knowledge they have, fame, career, talent, a following that they might have, a degree, there ability to lead...etc.

And let's not forget experience.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Women like confidence because it indicates a person who knows themselves and their values. It means they will be strong when she is not. It may also indicate a person who has other women interested in him. Hamster says if he has other women interested there must be a reason why. I should find out.

 

[user43770]

Funny how resources and wealth keep coming up as being associated with confidence, considering how many guys here say women aren't really attracted by wealth, but rather a ripped body.

I think this depends more on age. Typically, a woman in her early twenties won't be as concerned with wealth and success as she is with looks and popularity. As she gets older, what she is looking for will change.

 

[user43770]

As far as confidence, I think of one of my favorite heartiste lines:

Irrational self-confidence will get you more pvssy than rational defeatism.

 

[zekko]

As far as confidence, I think of one of my favorite heartiste lines:

Irrational self-confidence will get you more pvssy than rational defeatism.

I'm not a big fan of heartiste (or irrationality, for that matter), but he has a point here. I have a similar philosophy, but the way I put it is that: No matter what your situation, you are more likely to do better with a positive attitude than a negative one.

 

[Huffman]

I'm not a big fan of heartiste (or irrationality, for that matter), but he has a point here. I have a similar philosophy, but the way I put it is that: No matter what your situation, you are more likely to do better with a positive attitude than a negative one.

Interesting - irrational confidence and positive attitude are the same, just worded differently.

 

[nismo-4]

Women love confidence and courage if a good looking and/ or rich guy is using it.

Hell, women love ANYTHING if a good looking and/ or rich guy is using it!