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Looking for advice

boxing_chanp

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I'm 30 years old and I've been dating this 25 year old woman I met about a year ago. Everything is going fine in our relationship, but I want some advice on how to handle this situation. Out of the blue, she tells me that she's going Christmas shopping out of town by herself this weekend. Firstly, she NEVER asked if I wanted to go with her. We usually go everywhere together. She tells me this yesterday, without any warning.

Does this sound strange to anyone? Should I tell her I'm pissed about it, or just ignore the situation and say "have fun"? I'm a little freaked out by this. I said nothing when she told me, but I could sense she was looking for a reaction.

Thanks bros.

The point of this is, I'm wondering if she might be going to meet someone i.e cheat on me? It's just strange behavior for her. Very strange.
 

grayclif

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I'm thinking she doesn't want you there when she buys your holiday gift. Do you have any other reason to believe that she may be cheating.

How have you been? Are you maintaining frame? Do you get sex when you want it?
 

Glumix

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She has to warn you before saying she goes shopping on herself? You go everywhere together?

That sounds pretty bad to my ears. As Espi said, perhaps you should wish her a lot of fun and go spin some new plates by yourself. Seems to me you are on slippery ground. Do you still hear the Man inside of you?
 

PrettyBoyAJ

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Let her do her. It's not like she asked to go to a club or bar. Let her spend time away so she can miss you. Do not fight over her going to the mall.
 

parkthebus

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I think if you are at the point where this bothers you, then you need to start spending time and focusing on yourself. You're way to wrapped up in her. If you were self centered to a healthy degree, you would probably have had the passing thought "she usually only goes with me, oh well I can do this today anyway" and forget about it. But as you are so wrapped up in her/your relationship with her, you have made it your emotional priority. When it fails, you will be hit hard. Plus, this is an unhealthy balance and will lead to her losing interest. You need to spend a few days completely focusing on yourself. Start by writing down your goals for the day, however small. Do this for 2, 3 days if you can. You will feel much better for it.
 

boxing_chanp

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I think if you are at the point where this bothers you, then you need to start spending time and focusing on yourself. You're way to wrapped up in her. If you were self centered to a healthy degree, you would probably have had the passing thought "she usually only goes with me, oh well I can do this today anyway" and forget about it. But as you are so wrapped up in her/your relationship with her, you have made it your emotional priority. When it fails, you will be hit hard. Plus, this is an unhealthy balance and will lead to her losing interest. You need to spend a few days completely focusing on yourself. Start by writing down your goals for the day, however small. Do this for 2, 3 days if you can. You will feel much better for it.
I want to thank all you guys for your advice. It's certainly appreciated. But, I think this hits the nail on the head. You know, I'm 6'5 250lbs and a former National Golden Gloves heavyweight boxing champion. Yet a 115 pound woman can mess with my head so much. I can see that my concern is irrational and I need to stop making her such a priority. I have friends who are Special Forces and Navy SEALs. Yet some of these guys supplicate to women. Being a DJ is a mind-set, not necessarily a physical standard.
 

Die Hard

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Bullsh!t... You're attached to her and you can't just change that by telling yourself what you said in your last post. Don't try to kid yourself and act tough... You are attached to her and it would hurt you if she cheated on you. That's the truth and it's bullsh!t to act like it's not the truth...

You can't change those feelings, man. You DO have an emotional connection to her and it DOES hurt if she cheats on you. FACTS which you can't change.

However, you can change the way you respond to the situation, you do have control over that. So if her behavior seems suspicious, keep an eye out and be on your guard! Stay calm and level-headed, though... You don't want to appear like the insecure, jaleous, suspicious boyfriend.

You could just ask her in a casual way: "So babe, which city are you going shopping anyway?" Or maybe tell her "How about going shopping together that day, it'll be fun!" See how she responds to questions like that... Does she hesitate in her answers? Does she need to think before she answers? Does she act a bit nervous? Do her answers seem contradicting? (ask her something and ask the the same question 1 or 2 days later).

If you ask me, her behavior does seem suspicious... She didn't even give a reason why she wants to go alone, right? That in itself is suspicious... Fvck thinking you are overreacting! Why would she insist on going alone and not even give a reason for it? Also, the way she communicated this is suspicious. I would expect her to say something like "would you mind if I go shopping without you?" or "I think I might go shopping alone this weekend, hope you don't mind?" But instead, she just TELLS you she's going alone, like you can't disagree and it's not open for debate. Why would she need to communicate it in such a manner? That's the way people communicate when they want to do something which is not allowed... It's the way I would communicate when I know I'm about to do something which the other person doesn't want me to and I've decided to do it ANYWAY.

It's as if she was AFRAID that you would say "no, you cannot go" and wanted to prevent you from saying no. Well, is shopping on her own something you would not allow and say "no" to? Is there a reason for her to try and prevent this, communicating in such a strict manner which prevents you from protesting? Is her going shopping on her own something harmless which you would be perfectly okay with? If so, then why the fvck did she feel the need to communicate it in such a manner, TELLING it, leaving you no room to go against her decision? And why the fvck did she look for a reaction? (you did sense that, don't tell yourself you didn't, you DID! Trust yourself...) It sounds like there was tension around her when she told you this, right? Why would there be? If it's no big deal, something innocent, then why was there tension surrounding her?

I think you should be on your guerd here, man.
If a woman wants to cheat on her man, this would be a pretty good "excuse" to create the opportunity to do so. And you wouldn't be the first guy who got cheated on in a situation like this, man.... Sh!t, there's hundreds of stories like this where the b!tch DID cheat on a guy! We all know the hypergamous nature of women, this forum is full of it. Now here is a woman who acts strange, suspicious and out of character...but you should just ignore it, don't worry and simply trust that all is well?
Fvck that sh!t, I would investigate this situation very carefully and see if there are signs that point to her being unfaithful to you. You have good reason to do so, her behavior is out of the ordinary.... BUT AGAIN, do it with a calm and level-headed attitude!! Don't give her the idea that you're suspicious, just act casual and do your "research" in such a way that she doesn't notice it! Be smart about it!
 
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Ronaldo7

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Be smart and use this to your advantage.

This is your wildcard to use whenever you want to go out with your friends or go hunting for another prey.

One must possess the ability to see the underlying value of things.
 

Bible_Belt

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Normally in these situations, I tell the guy he is worried about nothing. But fighters have good instincts. And those instincts have told you that she is up to something. Women don't do anything by themselves; they certainly don't take trips alone, to do stuff alone, especially shop. Your girl doesn't lie to you very often. That's why she's not very good at it. And that's why you can tell when she is.

I'm thinking that someone is in town she wants to meet that she doesn't want to tell you about. That is *not* the same thing as planning to cheat on you, at least sexually. Is there an old flame that she still likes as a person? I'm thinking her desire for that person would be everything but sexual. And she's not telling you that because you're big scary fighter guy who would never understand and would want to beat up the wimpy ex-boyfriend.

She's lying because she thinks you're going to flip out about something that is probably going to end up being completely innocent. If it were me, I would just casually and calmly mention that if her long-lost ex-love happened to be in town while she was shopping, and she wanted to have a drink with him to catch up, then that would be ok with me. Go, have fun, enjoy yourself. Women have this instinct built into them to return like boomerangs to men who treat them that way. If you're angry about her interest in another guy, it re-enforces that decision; it validates it. But if you laugh it off, it makes them stop and reconsider.

I hope this helps, my friend. Good luck.
 

dustmuffin

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You could invest in a gps unit and attach it to her car. It will log everywhere she goes and how long she stays there. They are about 100 bucks. This will either prove you right or wrong. Either way you are free. Get the information and ask where she went, did she have fun blah blah blah. It will be easy to catch her in a lie. Then if she is up to no good. I would tell her this isnt working out. Dont give her a reason just dump her a ss. Let her hamster spin and move on. I know you shouldn't care but you do. This information might stop your hamster and your stomach from churning.
 

evan12

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It seem she is hiding something, beside the possibility of cheating she might be treating herself from some illness if your relationship with her is not strong enough to tell you about every thing in her life even the negative ones.
Try to see if her sexual patterns have been changed after she returned that might mean a new sexual partner entered the equation.
 

zekko

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I don't see anything suspicious here at all. It's frigging Christmas time. As has been said, she probably wants to go buy you a present. If you guys do EVERYTHING together, she hasn't really had time to cheat, has she?

I would let this go. If she is up to something shady, it will turn up in the future, and you can address it then.
 

parkthebus

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I want to thank all you guys for your advice. It's certainly appreciated. But, I think this hits the nail on the head. You know, I'm 6'5 250lbs and a former National Golden Gloves heavyweight boxing champion. Yet a 115 pound woman can mess with my head so much. I can see that my concern is irrational and I need to stop making her such a priority. I have friends who are Special Forces and Navy SEALs. Yet some of these guys supplicate to women. Being a DJ is a mind-set, not necessarily a physical standard.
Well we're the physical predators and they're the emotional predators
 

dustmuffin

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I don't see anything suspicious here at all. It's frigging Christmas time. As has been said, she probably wants to go buy you a present. If you guys do EVERYTHING together, she hasn't really had time to cheat, has she?

I would let this go. If she is up to something shady, it will turn up in the future, and you can address it then.
He has to be able to turn his emotions off. If he doesn't she will notice the change in him. He will also do things out of emotion instead of logic. He cant sit and stew about it. That is the key.
 

TheSplat

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I don't see anything suspicious here at all. It's frigging Christmas time. As has been said, she probably wants to go buy you a present. If you guys do EVERYTHING together, she hasn't really had time to cheat, has she?

I would let this go. If she is up to something shady, it will turn up in the future, and you can address it then.

OMG. It's obvious, blatantly obvious, she's going to buy you some presents for Christmas. You're freaking out over NOTHING. She just wants to surprise you with some sweet gifts.
 

grayclif

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she tells me that she's going Christmas shopping out of town by herself this weekend.
.

When I first read it I was thinking maybe a 2 hour drive to an outlet mall or something for the day.

But does this mean to you that she will be spending the whole weekend in another town. Did she mention how far away or if she'll be getting a hotel or staying with friends or anything?

You've been dating a year. Do you spend every weekend together, honestly? And do you live together?

After reading die hard' response even I'm suspicious. Not much you can do now though. I'd take zekko's advice...


I would let this go. If she is up to something shady, it will turn up in the future, and you can address it then.
 

hithard

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Not a whole lot to go on here.
A couple of questions:
Does she use social media a lot more lately?
An changes in her appearance or behavior?
There's always tells leading up to the event, if it is indeed anything at all. I'd normally say trust your gut. But there isn't a lot to go on, but something got your radar alerted.

Well, at least when you get a pair of socks for Christmas... you know.
I'd organize a night out with friends and enjoy the freedom.
 

boxing_chanp

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Update: Firstly, I want to thank all my bros on here who agreed with me that there was something suspicious about this. I took your advice and told her to "have fun", and left it at that. So today, (Saturday), she comes home early and starts crying. I asked what the problem was and she admitted that she met with an ex boyfriend and felt horrible about lying to me. She literally got on her knees begging me to forgive her for this mistake. Mind you, this "boyfriend" used to slap the **** out of her on a regular basis, gave her herpes and used to disappear on her for weeks at a time. She lives in my house, that I own. I didn't really react to her, I just told her it was a lot to process and we can talk in the morning.

So I figure my only option is to tell her to leave. I honestly have NO ATTRACTION for her anymore. She looked so pathetic when she came home and I figure if she wants to be with a scumbag like that, go live with him.

So, again, thanks bros. You gave some good advice. If anyone has anymore advice, please let me know.
 
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