A threatening new guy comes into the picture, what should I do?

[Fela Kuti]

Hello guys,

Last week my gf told me casually about a new guy in her dormitory and that they've talked quite a few times. Yesterday she told me she's going to watch a new movie with him. At first she intended to go with the other guys but they're either not interested or have already watched it. And then this new guy offered himself to accompany her. Sounds innocent so far but then I said jokingly to her (to assess her reaction), "maybe he likes you? " She said she's not sure but he seems to care about her, like asking how her day was, talking to her in the living room until midnight (red flag?). My gut felt that he's a threat and I told her to just give him a hint that she's taken, and if he asks her to go out again ask him that I should go with them. Am I handling the situation right?

 

[SamTheHobit]

Runs head first into a wall*

 

[Tictac]

Threat to what?

Are you exclusive with this chick?

If you are, it's clear that she isn't exclusive with you.

Do not be a p*ssy and tell this guy that 'she's taken'. She's clearly not taken - she's going with him.

 

[Konada]

That reeks of butthurt bro. I would have went with 'Well personally, I wouldn't be going out one on one with a female friend when I'm in a relationship. That's up to you decide anyway.'
If she goes ahead with it instead of respecting your values, drop her immediately. That's pretty disrespectful behavior to be honest.

 

[Fela Kuti]

Runs head first into a wall*

why? if she intended to cheat she wouldn't have told me that she's going out with him and how he acts to her.

Threat to what?

Are you exclusive with this chick?

If you are, it's clear that she isn't exclusive with you.

Do not be a p*ssy and tell this guy that 'she's taken'. She's clearly not taken - she's going with him.

threat to our relationship (if not stopped). yes, we're exclusive, but only since 2 days ago. what if she just sees him as an innocent guy friend? but I'll talk to her about this and redefine the boundaries.

 

[Konada]

why? if she intended to cheat she wouldn't have told me that she's going out with him and how he acts to her.



threat to our relationship (if not stopped). yes, we're exclusive, but only since 2 days ago. what if she just sees him as an innocent guy friend? but I'll talk to her about this and redefine the boundaries.

Look at a girl's actions not her words. Ideally you should have established such boundaries before you even became exclusive with her (although its pretty common sense).

If you have already told her before you guys became exclusive, go with 'Well if that's the case then I don't think we should see other exclusively yet. Let me know how that works out for you.'

 

[SamTheHobit]

why? if she intended to cheat she wouldn't have told me that she's going out with him and how he acts to her.

Interesting. I mentioned nothing about cheating and you brought it up yourself. So I'm going to go ahead and assume you think she going to cheat on you.

For whatever my advice is worth, If your comfortable with her going out with other men then leave it at that.

But if your not, which no self respecting man should, you probably should leave this chick.

Obviously she knows she is crossing the line, I'm assuming she told you because she's probably hoping for a beta reaction.

 

[Fela Kuti]

Interesting. I mentioned nothing about cheating and you brought it up yourself. So I'm going to go ahead and assume you think she going to cheat on you.

For whatever my advice is worth, If your comfortable with her going out with other men then leave it at that.

But if your not, which no self respecting man should, you probably should leave this chick.

Obviously she knows she is crossing the line, I'm assuming she told you because she's probably hoping for a beta reaction.

why else would you run yourself into a wall if it's not related to infidelity though. but anyway, it's only been 2 months and this is the first case, so I'll just redefine the boundaries (I admit they're rather vague and no specifics about going alone with a male friend).

 

[fastlife]

why? if she intended to cheat she wouldn't have told me that she's going out with him and how he acts to her.

Oh Lord--said every guy ever when his GF was good enough to tell him she was going to be engaging in blatantly sketchy behavior.

threat to our relationship (if not stopped). yes, we're exclusive, but only since 2 days ago. what if she just sees him as an innocent guy friend? but I'll talk to her about this and redefine the boundaries.

He's not the threat to your relationship; your mindset is the threat. You're 2 days in and she's running the show. At this point, you don't really have much, if any, frame to go off of. I'm not sure how you play it will make any difference, so play it in the way that you can live with and let the cards fall where they may. For me, that'd be a soft next--let her earn her way back in. If she hops in with him without losing stride, then you save yourself time and future heartbreak; if she realizes her mistake and begs you back, then you can establish frame.

 

[stevo]

Wow I almost cannot believe if you're being for real.

How is any of this ok with you?

 

[Tictac]

...threat to our relationship (if not stopped). yes, we're exclusive, but only since 2 days ago. what if she just sees him as an innocent guy friend? but I'll talk to her about this and redefine the boundaries.

________

There is no relationship to threaten, except in your own head. Konada is right - what women say is all but useless noise. You watch what they do.

And what she's doing is going out with another guy. Do you really think she is stupid enough not to understand what she's doing with him? If you do, you should drop her for being an idiot.

You're the one that doesn't get the joke.

 

[RangerMIke]

Going out and spending time with male 'friends' is serious red flag that she is losing interest. You need to start planning your exit strategy and get yourself emotionally prepped for getting dumped. I would just go ahead and jump the gun and ask her if she is interested in just seeing other people. If she says okay, then just start dating other girls. If she says no, and she REALLY means it, she'll stop going out with this other dude.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It's a sh!t test. And you failed. It's too late, now. The test is over.

I'm not even a jealous person. But as soon as she said she was going to a movie with a guy, I would have said, "awww, you have a date. That's cute. We should double! I'll bring your friend, ___"

Normally, when the subject of another guy comes up, I immediately propose a threesome, foursome, or some other kinky sex act. It's a good way to let her know she's being a wh0re without being jealous or angry about it. And it makes her drop the subject immediately.

 

[SamTheHobit]

It's a sh!t test. And you failed. It's too late, now. The test is over.

I'm not even a jealous person. But as soon as she said she was going to a movie with a guy, I would have said, "awww, you have a date. That's cute. We should double! I'll bring your friend, ___"

Normally, when the subject of another guy comes up, I immediately propose a threesome, foursome, or some other kinky sex act. It's a good way to let her know she's being a wh0re without being jealous or angry about it. And it makes her drop the subject immediately.

It's a stupid and disrespectful "test" to begin with.

Nothing lost in my opinion.

 

[logicallefty]

you: "Ok. I didn't know we were in an open relationship, but thanks for letting me know. " (then go ghost and ignore her for a few days, and see what happens from there)

Edit: And if you can tap some other tail in the mean time, do it, and tell her about it. If she really want you this behavior will stop. If not, who cares, it's just pvssy.. next..

 

[AttackFormation]

When she started talking about plans with this guy, I would have played dumb and gone "Oh you meant you wanted an open relationship?" then she will give you some line about how she doesn't think that's the case and bla bla. Whenever she's finished, say "Ahh, I see, that's an interesting view on it! But I think it's better if we find someone who's compatible with each other's values, you know?" now she's going to say either what do you mean, yeah we should break up, or no don't break up with me. Whatever she says you just go some version of "I think it's better for both of us to go our own ways and find someone who has the same outlook on a relationship because that's what it takes for it to be good and healthy". Now you've broken up with a solid frame and can downgrade her to the back burner, unless you really want to keep her as a girlfriend (even though she doesn't treat you like a boyfriend).

Unfortunately what you did made you two guys playthings and her the player. Now the frame is hers because you managed to show both that he's a threat and that you're fine with her doing this. I'd consider it a lesson for the future.

 

[Slash Dolo]

I think you guys are being too harsh, and some of your suggested responses reek of butthurt and are worse ways to handle it than the OPs. This was definitely a sh*t test but I thought the OP handled it okay, at least the joking first response; the second one sounded a little insecure, but he can still rectify it. The most important thing, anyway, is you don't come off as butthurt or jealous. That is the killer. If you go ghost or try to lay down the law... that's going to come across as butthurt or jealous. Don't do that.

I would have personally played it off like he was a completely harmless beta and gave her a "Cool, have fun!" Maybe even a "Tell him I said hey" thrown in there. Then, I'd change the subject and move on. Look, you two just started dating. This is a way for her to gauge your mindset so to speak. You should trust her enough to do whatever she wants and put zero boundaries on her and basically act as if every other guy is beneath you. But inversely, you should do the same thing she is doing. Hang out with female friends and let her know in the same way. She'll dislike when you do it, will stop and most likely never do it again.

 

[AttackFormation]

I would have personally played it off like he was a completely harmless beta and gave her a "Cool, have fun!" Maybe even a "Tell him I said hey" thrown in there. Then, I'd change the subject and move on. Look, you two just started dating. This is a way for her to gauge your mindset so to speak. You should trust her enough to do whatever she wants and put zero boundaries on her and basically act as if every other guy is beneath you. But inversely, you should do the same thing she is doing. Hang out with female friends and let her know in the same way. She'll dislike when you do it, will stop and most likely never do it again.

In the past I would have agreed with a response like that, but in truth that's just a way of masking your neediness. If you know you can replace her and you don't depend on her, you don't need to nor are you very concerned about placating her when she tries to BS you. You can tell it like it is but in a tactful, intelligent way which I hope I gave an example of, and the reason why you on the other extreme don't just tell her to fvck off or that it's wrong or something is both because that's unnecessarily blunt and that she can learn to behave (if she can't, I would not have made her a girlfriend in the first place and if I did this would not concern me because I would not actually take the relationship seriously).

 

[Fela Kuti]

thanks, you guys put some sense into me. I'll talk to her and if there's a slightest resistance or disrespect I'll probably end it or start detaching myself.

 

[Reykhel]

Hello guys,

Last week my gf told me casually about a new guy in her dormitory and that they've talked quite a few times. Yesterday she told me she's going to watch a new movie with him. At first she intended to go with the other guys but they're either not interested or have already watched it. And then this new guy offered himself to accompany her. Sounds innocent so far but then I said jokingly to her (to assess her reaction), "maybe he likes you? " She said she's not sure but he seems to care about her, like asking how her day was, talking to her in the living room until midnight (red flag?). My gut felt that he's a threat and I told her to just give him a hint that she's taken, and if he asks her to go out again ask him that I should go with them. Am I handling the situation right?

The minute you express any jelousy or act all crestfallen.....or worse....offer to be her chaperon while she goes and hangs out with another guy.....you've made her value higher than yours.........she'll pick up on this and subconsciously use it against you by toying with you and then fvck the guy as your not so subtly implying could happen....

....the only thing you can do really is punish her with the whip of indifference......."alright, enjoy the movie" while not even glancing up from your paper.....then you go seek out a new playmate to "hang out" with.....