Liar
04-02-2006, 01:50 PM
Warning: A long thread ahead!
I've been a long time (like three or more years) lurker on this site and never felt the urge to contribute, until now. I'm posting in the Tips section as I can see it as being the most appropriate a place for this thread. And I can feel it will be a long read so fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a long ride. And even though it may seem as too big a read and a waste of time I'm sure there could be useful things inside for some of you as this isn't just another of these "she looked at me, I don't know what to do" or "how do I get THIS ONE girl" threads, this board is getting filled with lately. It's a complete confession of just another struggling young western man who's trying to understand what went wrong in his life, if anything, and will try to get hold of it. So even if no one reads it (which I hope will not be the case) I will get at least some satisfaction off it as this very board and you people are the first and only ones who will get to know these things which I've been dying my whole life to tell someone but never got the balls to do so. UNTIL NOW...
The confessions of Liar
As far as I can see, I've always been a liar.
You know the saying "fake it 'till you make it"? I'm quite sure most of you have at least heard about it before, I for one have. And let me ask you something. Do you think it really works? Do you think you can tell lies to everyone for as long a time as you wish? Can you make yourself a wonderful diamond in the eyes of people who think that know you while in fact being nothing more than just a piece of dirt? Do you honestly (what a fitting word) think you can convince anyone about anything you want?
Let me give you a straight answer, HELL YES!!!
Now, if you think "cool, I can go and tell lies to get whatever I actually want and if I'm good at it the success won't take long to come" I must let you down. I lied to you (what a surprise) when I told you you can convince everyone. In fact, there will always be one person to know the truth and worse, someone who will always remind you of it,... YOU! Now if you think "What the hell? Of course I will know the truth but where's the trouble?", let me ask you this, Are you sure you are strong enough to take the truth alone while everyone else around you 'knows' only the lies?! You may be a strong one and take it for a long, long time but in the end I'll bet my soul it will break your neck. It sure as hell did break mine.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. As far as I can see, I've always been a liar. I've always been that what many people call 'a loser' as well. Or at least in my eyes I've seen myself as one. Yes, as you can probably bet, I come from a disfunctional family, I won't go into details here as it's as boring as it is painful for me but I can tell you I've been suffering what many young men suffer nowadays, a lack of a proper male-role model. I've been brought up by a woman who is definitely a great person but had no idea what a young boy/man needed. And let me tell you, my childhood was a living hell. Of course I could have been born in Africa and die at the age of five from AIDS or something which is definitely much, much worse a fate but in my eyes I've been (and probably still am) suffering a great deal as well. As my parents left me, my grandma took their place and tried to give me the best she had. And she thought she'd done a great job. Boy, was she wrong. Of course it is not her fault she didn't know what a young boy needed but you know how it goes when one gets too overprotective of their child. I wasn't allowed practically anything. I had to always be "a good pupil" and sometimes I even thought I was being brought up as a girl. Maybe I wasn't too far from truth. And let me tell you one think, instead of loving that wonderful person who tried her best to give 'her' child the perfect life, what do you think, I hated her. And if you think it's too strong a word, I'd say the opposite. The word can't describe what I actually felt towards her and even when adult and 'should be mature' I sometimes caught myself trying to hurt her. No, not physically (even though there were times I actually wished she died) but words can do wonders (and not always in a good way) to a human soul. But why, you may ask? Don't ask me, to this very day I have no idea why I felt and sometimes still feel this way. But a few years back I've actually heard about a young boy who robbed and stabbed his own mother like 30 times just to run away with her money and get himself a bike or something. Most of the people who hear such a thing will go "Oh my god, he can't be a human, he's a monster and should be dealt with that way!" But not me. Boy, I undrestood that poor soul to the last bit of his actions. His mother was a Satan's incarnation. Actually she was some religious freak who didn't let her child do basically anything. He wasn't allowed to go out, have friends, buy his own bike... He was like an animal held in it's small, dirty cage somewhere in a forgotten suburb zoo. And what does an animal do when in trouble with no way out? It attacks!
But what does this case have in common with mine? I did stab no one even though I wished to do so many times! I did not run away even though I sometimes tried to. I stayed... And I lied. To whom did I lie? To everyone and mostly to myself. But why did I lie? And how?
Before I went to school I had no life. No friends. No social knowledge. No nothing. I was well prepared for school, yes. Smart, probably. But definitely not ready for other kids. I was as some could say, socialy crippled. So when I came to school it was a whole new world for me and I started to learn how to live in that big cruel world. And I wasn't doing that bad I guess but then something happened. I had an accident. I got kinda badly wounded and for a year I had to stay at home and get cured. Then I was sent to another school. 'A better school'. Yeah, it was a better school but the kids there, that is a whole different story. They were what I would call 'monsters', at least from my point of view at the time. And the fact I got very fat, was always wearing clothes no kid in the world ever wore, with a haircut of a sweet little girl, you can draw conclusions yourselves. I never had any friends, no one cared about that wierd fat kid sitting at the very back of the class. No wait. They cared, they laughed at me. Big deal I know, most children get through this stage at one time or another but not me. I said to myself, "What the hell, they don't like this person, I don't like this person, no one likes this person, I'll make up someone whom everyone will like". And so I did. I started talking about things I've 'done', telling things which were sometimes unbelieveable but everyone seemed to believe me and actually enjoy it, and what's worse, I myself started to believe in the things I've been saying, but not doing...
Ok, anyway, you think most of people sometimes exaggerate to make themselves seem better in the eyes of others? Yeah probably. But this was a bit different. I had no life, I had lies. Then once again I had to change schools. I thought I'd start from a scratch, get new life, stop lying, but I couldn't. Of course I had to make up new stories and things about me but that was no problem. I was used to it, I could even go as far as to say I was good at it. I would probably make a great actor or politician for that matter...
Oh well, to make it shorter, I graduated, after some struggle got myself a job, got fired, got another job, got fired... You get the picture. I wasn't really happy but I wasn't really sad, I had 'friends' after all! But did they have the friend they thought they had?! Like three years ago I found this site, read the whole monster probably more than once and thought to myself, "That's it!" That's how I'll go on. I'll improve myself! But did I really do so or did I just add on more fake 'me'?
From time to time I hit the gym. No longer fat but kinda skinny. Unfortunately, after a rare disease I was left kinda badly scarred but what the hell I thought to myself, looks don't matter that much when you're a cool person, right? Got myself some 'style' and invented more lies to 'back it up'. From now on I was the cool bad boy giving no **** about anything. And let me tell you something. People always love that image. I got people calling me 'The Legend'. I got people telling me "they wished they were like me"! I got people trying to be like me. I no longer cared what I was saying. I perfected my lies and went as far as to write them down so I wouldn't forget them. Almost each time I was to talk to someone, in my mind I prepared what I would tell them. How pathetic is this? Well, actually with a lifestyle like that you can't just lie all the time, you also have to show the people you are someone they think you are. No problem here. I started living the way I was lying. And this may be the only thing I don't regret that much. For the first time I could say I had somewhat a social life.
I've been a long time (like three or more years) lurker on this site and never felt the urge to contribute, until now. I'm posting in the Tips section as I can see it as being the most appropriate a place for this thread. And I can feel it will be a long read so fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a long ride. And even though it may seem as too big a read and a waste of time I'm sure there could be useful things inside for some of you as this isn't just another of these "she looked at me, I don't know what to do" or "how do I get THIS ONE girl" threads, this board is getting filled with lately. It's a complete confession of just another struggling young western man who's trying to understand what went wrong in his life, if anything, and will try to get hold of it. So even if no one reads it (which I hope will not be the case) I will get at least some satisfaction off it as this very board and you people are the first and only ones who will get to know these things which I've been dying my whole life to tell someone but never got the balls to do so. UNTIL NOW...
The confessions of Liar
As far as I can see, I've always been a liar.
You know the saying "fake it 'till you make it"? I'm quite sure most of you have at least heard about it before, I for one have. And let me ask you something. Do you think it really works? Do you think you can tell lies to everyone for as long a time as you wish? Can you make yourself a wonderful diamond in the eyes of people who think that know you while in fact being nothing more than just a piece of dirt? Do you honestly (what a fitting word) think you can convince anyone about anything you want?
Let me give you a straight answer, HELL YES!!!
Now, if you think "cool, I can go and tell lies to get whatever I actually want and if I'm good at it the success won't take long to come" I must let you down. I lied to you (what a surprise) when I told you you can convince everyone. In fact, there will always be one person to know the truth and worse, someone who will always remind you of it,... YOU! Now if you think "What the hell? Of course I will know the truth but where's the trouble?", let me ask you this, Are you sure you are strong enough to take the truth alone while everyone else around you 'knows' only the lies?! You may be a strong one and take it for a long, long time but in the end I'll bet my soul it will break your neck. It sure as hell did break mine.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. As far as I can see, I've always been a liar. I've always been that what many people call 'a loser' as well. Or at least in my eyes I've seen myself as one. Yes, as you can probably bet, I come from a disfunctional family, I won't go into details here as it's as boring as it is painful for me but I can tell you I've been suffering what many young men suffer nowadays, a lack of a proper male-role model. I've been brought up by a woman who is definitely a great person but had no idea what a young boy/man needed. And let me tell you, my childhood was a living hell. Of course I could have been born in Africa and die at the age of five from AIDS or something which is definitely much, much worse a fate but in my eyes I've been (and probably still am) suffering a great deal as well. As my parents left me, my grandma took their place and tried to give me the best she had. And she thought she'd done a great job. Boy, was she wrong. Of course it is not her fault she didn't know what a young boy needed but you know how it goes when one gets too overprotective of their child. I wasn't allowed practically anything. I had to always be "a good pupil" and sometimes I even thought I was being brought up as a girl. Maybe I wasn't too far from truth. And let me tell you one think, instead of loving that wonderful person who tried her best to give 'her' child the perfect life, what do you think, I hated her. And if you think it's too strong a word, I'd say the opposite. The word can't describe what I actually felt towards her and even when adult and 'should be mature' I sometimes caught myself trying to hurt her. No, not physically (even though there were times I actually wished she died) but words can do wonders (and not always in a good way) to a human soul. But why, you may ask? Don't ask me, to this very day I have no idea why I felt and sometimes still feel this way. But a few years back I've actually heard about a young boy who robbed and stabbed his own mother like 30 times just to run away with her money and get himself a bike or something. Most of the people who hear such a thing will go "Oh my god, he can't be a human, he's a monster and should be dealt with that way!" But not me. Boy, I undrestood that poor soul to the last bit of his actions. His mother was a Satan's incarnation. Actually she was some religious freak who didn't let her child do basically anything. He wasn't allowed to go out, have friends, buy his own bike... He was like an animal held in it's small, dirty cage somewhere in a forgotten suburb zoo. And what does an animal do when in trouble with no way out? It attacks!
But what does this case have in common with mine? I did stab no one even though I wished to do so many times! I did not run away even though I sometimes tried to. I stayed... And I lied. To whom did I lie? To everyone and mostly to myself. But why did I lie? And how?
Before I went to school I had no life. No friends. No social knowledge. No nothing. I was well prepared for school, yes. Smart, probably. But definitely not ready for other kids. I was as some could say, socialy crippled. So when I came to school it was a whole new world for me and I started to learn how to live in that big cruel world. And I wasn't doing that bad I guess but then something happened. I had an accident. I got kinda badly wounded and for a year I had to stay at home and get cured. Then I was sent to another school. 'A better school'. Yeah, it was a better school but the kids there, that is a whole different story. They were what I would call 'monsters', at least from my point of view at the time. And the fact I got very fat, was always wearing clothes no kid in the world ever wore, with a haircut of a sweet little girl, you can draw conclusions yourselves. I never had any friends, no one cared about that wierd fat kid sitting at the very back of the class. No wait. They cared, they laughed at me. Big deal I know, most children get through this stage at one time or another but not me. I said to myself, "What the hell, they don't like this person, I don't like this person, no one likes this person, I'll make up someone whom everyone will like". And so I did. I started talking about things I've 'done', telling things which were sometimes unbelieveable but everyone seemed to believe me and actually enjoy it, and what's worse, I myself started to believe in the things I've been saying, but not doing...
Ok, anyway, you think most of people sometimes exaggerate to make themselves seem better in the eyes of others? Yeah probably. But this was a bit different. I had no life, I had lies. Then once again I had to change schools. I thought I'd start from a scratch, get new life, stop lying, but I couldn't. Of course I had to make up new stories and things about me but that was no problem. I was used to it, I could even go as far as to say I was good at it. I would probably make a great actor or politician for that matter...
Oh well, to make it shorter, I graduated, after some struggle got myself a job, got fired, got another job, got fired... You get the picture. I wasn't really happy but I wasn't really sad, I had 'friends' after all! But did they have the friend they thought they had?! Like three years ago I found this site, read the whole monster probably more than once and thought to myself, "That's it!" That's how I'll go on. I'll improve myself! But did I really do so or did I just add on more fake 'me'?
From time to time I hit the gym. No longer fat but kinda skinny. Unfortunately, after a rare disease I was left kinda badly scarred but what the hell I thought to myself, looks don't matter that much when you're a cool person, right? Got myself some 'style' and invented more lies to 'back it up'. From now on I was the cool bad boy giving no **** about anything. And let me tell you something. People always love that image. I got people calling me 'The Legend'. I got people telling me "they wished they were like me"! I got people trying to be like me. I no longer cared what I was saying. I perfected my lies and went as far as to write them down so I wouldn't forget them. Almost each time I was to talk to someone, in my mind I prepared what I would tell them. How pathetic is this? Well, actually with a lifestyle like that you can't just lie all the time, you also have to show the people you are someone they think you are. No problem here. I started living the way I was lying. And this may be the only thing I don't regret that much. For the first time I could say I had somewhat a social life.